2019-11-26 - On Psychedelics

The lunch rush isn't too terribly busy on the day before the holiday, a lot of people off work and visiting family, leaving the crowd fairly thin but generally buoyant for a drizzly, gray Wednesday. Sparrow's already got a table by the time Yule arrives, camped out in a booth about half-way down the row to the right of the door. She's wearing muted hues today, a black and, yes, beige sweater with striped sleeves and a rose pattern over a familiar white button-down that has almost certainly been washed recently. Jeans, black boots. It's a cute look, especially when warmed with a rich mulberry on her lips and a hint of gold-dusted magenta on her eyes. She's already got a cup of coffee in front of her, still steaming despite the cream she's added which has surely cooled it some, and is fussing with her phone while she waits, giggling at something on the screen.

Yule comes in with a dark gray coat and a square patterned maroon and gray scarf that is draped around his neck. A black shirt, button up shirt is warn beneath that, along with a pair of dark grey jeans. It doesn't take but a second to spy the bright red head that serves as a beacon to that table, and over he comes, first to her side. It's all so he can lean down, offering a warm kiss that, while soft and shallow, lingers with affection before it's broken. Off that coat and scarf are pulled, slid into the booth opposite of her as he takes a seat across, letting them face each other eye to eye. "Did you wear that just to prove to me that you actually do have /something/ beige, Cards?" A touch of amused mischief is in that, pausing only momentarily to look towards the waitress as she comes by. "Coffee," Is his drink order, letting her head off to fetch that while his focus falls back upon Sparrow.

Sparrow's attention turns from her phone a few seconds before Yule actually gets to the table, when she notices his approach, smile going immediately wide upon seeing him. Her phone's already set down before he comes in for that kiss, other occupations abandoned to give him her full attention, to free a hand to settle on his chest for those few wonderful seconds that affection lasts. Today, she smells, yes, like him, no hint of her own perfume to complicate it, though it's sufficiently dimmed to suggest it was applied hours ago. "Gorgeous," sounds like it might be commentary on that kiss, but she might just mean him. "I didn't know I'd be seeing you today, did I?" The little grin teasing at her lips implies she might've been planning on it all the same. "You wanna keep to the small talk and tell me how well I rock it or get right to the probing questions about psychedelics?" And, ya know, the menus, probably.

"Didn't you?" Comes his counter to that, knowing full well she was the one who asked to see him, that smile going a touch wider for a moment at that singular word she speaks. Only once he's settled, and the cup of coffee has been put down in front of him, does he pick up on that offered thread. "You know me. I like getting to the good stuff as soon as possible," There's more than a touch of tease about that thought given their last encounter, but it isn't one he dwells on. "So let's start with why psychedelics. What is it that interests you about them in particular, and the uses you've outlined? Not something I've poked into much until recently," Probably meaning, once she sent that talk and opened up that door for him to explore. "but it's a pretty new field, yeah? The research back in the 50s, but science and the ability to test, chance, replicate... everything has improved so much sense then."

Sparrow feigns innocence poorly, eyes going wide as she offers no answer to that quick retort. Brows arch in disbelief for the comment which follows, head tilting toward him as she dwells at least long enough to issue her own prompt riposte. "If I didn't know better, I might wonder if you had as much fun as I did Saturday night. And Sunday morning. Or if I look as fine in beige as I damned well know I do." Her little smirk is interrupted by a sip of her coffee as she sinks back in her seat. "I enjoy them," is her direct answer to the first. "What the guy said about how they provide a feeling of connection and oneness, how when used right, they can help us grow and become better people?" With a nod, she tells him, "I've experienced some of that first hand. I've also seen the bad side, which is pretty much entirely avoidable with appropriate education and oversight. Something I had to learn through experience, that I try to pass on to others, as I can. But it's still, ya know. Illegal. Taboo. So." Not something she brings up casually very often. "What we've seen with cannabis is that the door to legalizing recreational use was opened by first establishing medical utility, and I expect it will be the same here. Just taken, ya know, three decades or so already, and they're just beginning to get into official FDA-approved clinical trials, so. Lots left to be done."

When the redhead pauses, the server spots an opportunity and wonders, "You two ready to order?" given that neither of them have opened their menu, which may well signal they already know what they want. "Ham and cheese omelette, extra cheese, sub fruit salad, please?" for Sparrow!

"Good thing you know better." Comes that sly response, though given the way those brown eyes dip down towards her lips, and then lower, to where those hands and wrists upon the table. Fingers curl around his cup, not a single thing added to it as he listens to those thoughts. His thoughts are kept to himself when that server comes by, Yule's focus shifting to look up towards the server. "Yeah. Bacon and eggs. Over easy. Add on a piece of french toast." Only once they are left back alone does he settle into that conversation, giving her a pointed look. "Did you just hear what you said?" It isn't condescending, and if anything? There is a touch of amazement in his voice, head tipping to the side as he probes. "It's something you are clearly passionate about. You have a personal connection with. That you have the talent to succeed at. So do you think your hesitation is about this choice, specifically? Or do you think it'd be /any/ choice, regardless of your major, because it is a sense of permanency?"

Sparrow keeps her hands both around her coffee cup as it rests on the table between sips, her hold shifting just a little when he looks down, just enough to draw back her cuffs by the most minute margin. Coincidental, maybe. Probably not. For all that she's confident in what she said and pretty sure she's aware of the substance of it, a bit of uncertainty creeps in at his question. And then promptly dissipates as soon as he explains, head dipping as she listens, obscuring her expression.

Flashing a small smile as she looks up, she explains, "It's a good bit of generalized dread at the permanency of the decision," without any particular shame at admitting that anxiety. "But it's also kinda weirdly optimistic of you to assume that just because I'm passionate about this particular field, I'll get to work in it. The vast majority of jobs available to chemists are corporate. Pharmaceutical, manufacturing, oil and gas." The little flutter of her fingers against her mug provides a sorta visual et cetera. "I legit have no idea what opportunities are going to be available to me by the time I've got my degree or whether the work I want to do will be able to provide me the life I want, financially or regionally or... whatever. You get it, right? The road ahead is a whole lot of who the fuck knows what. It's scary, Nine. Committing to not knowing in a... very long term way. Especially about something that's expensive in both time and money. And doesn't give me all the good feels back like some other things might."

Sparrow makes something of a face once she's done rambling, an uncertain sorta half-apologetic smile that disappears behind her mug as she draws it up for a bit of sipping.

"Yeah. I get it. Twelve years of schooling. Think during my bachelors, and during my doctorate, I wasn't thinking about the what if's? If I failed my residency. Flunked out of med school. Once I made up my mind to be an ME, if I couldn't find an opportunity out the gate." His cup is lifted, a small sip taken from it, and Yule makes no apologies for that bullish belief he has, going so far as to emphasize those points. "First? That particular fear is valid in any field. Unless you really want to be a corporate drone with a business degree. The fact you are aware of the stakes? Isn't a bad thing. It's a good thing. Second? I'm optimistic about you. For good reason. I've seen what you are like, first hand, when you want something. You aren't just going to roll over the first time someone tells you no. Third? Yeah. I get it. But that's where you have to decide. What's most important to you? Doing something you love? Making a crap ton of money at it? Staying here? Hard questions. Totally worthy of the fear. But if anyone can figure out how to make that all work," Back he leans, a faint smile gracing his lips, "My money is on you. I believe my optimism is well founded, in this case."

Sparrow's brows and shoulders lift at the same time, even as her lips purse into a sorta helpless expression. "I'm doing it, aren't I?" The toe of her boot knocks against his indirectly beneath the table as her features resolve into a small smile. "You're telling me to keep doing what I'm doing and that it's okay to feel the fear I'm feeling, and I'm not sure what I'm sposed to take from this cept maybe that you like talking me up." That smile grows, edging a little leftward. "Which, alright, I'm here for that. I can shut the fuck up if you wanna keep at it a while." That impish glimmer lingers for a moment as the server comes up, delivering their eggs and bacon and fruit and french toast, making sure their coffees don't need any topping off before she leaves 'em alone again, after a quiet, "Thank you," from Sparrow.

"I appreciate what you're saying, Nine, but I don't think this worry's gonna be talked away." Straightening so that she can eat more comfortably, she goes on, "It's the kinda thing I just have to get through, and that's gonna be easier some days, like when I've got gorgeous, brilliant, charming, deliberate..." Someone might be getting a little bit distracted, smile flashing wide. "Doctors cheering me on, than others... like when I gotta spend two extra hours at o-chem lab because something went sideways and I start to think that maybe I really could make it as the next drummer of the Violent Femmes." She makes a cute face, nose all scrunched, before continuing. "Maybe when I'm closer to the other side and can see what's really out there and have some idea what I'mma really want?" Maybe that'll be easier. "But for now? Just lemme know if you see me running, yeah?"

It's that knock beneath the table that has his own foot sliding out, hooking beneath her ankle as he flashes her a warm smile. "You are. And you are right. Not going to be easy. Ups and downs, even after you get the job you want." That foot offers a reassuring squeeze as he pauses for a moment, letting his cup get a refill before it's placed a bit off to the side so his plate can take front and center stage. "I just know that it's good to hear that those doubts? Not unique to you. That I've been there. And maybe," It's a brief pause, watching the red head carefully to see her thoughts on the matter, "that's a bit weird to hear, or awkward given the age difference. If so? Just tell me to stow it, yeah?"

His fork is picked up, and it's the eggs he starts to tackle first, a soft snort of laughter coming at the mention of both the drumming gig of her daydreams, and then mention of running. "It's why I kept the zip ties, yeah?" Comes his quip of a response, even as his own smile turns a touch brighter at the effusive praise. "Now who is trying to butter who up. Not that you are wrong, of course." It gets a wink cast her way, a bite of those eggs taken, the yoke swept up by the whites. "And if you ever need a pick me up story about the anxiety attacks of too many late nights studying for medical exams? You just let me know."

"Definitely some things that get weird given the age difference," Sparrow confirms with a decidedly amused grin as she sets into her own eggs, the omelette oozing with gooey white cheese that's more likely American than any kind of cheddar. "You sharing relatable experiences?" She shakes her head. "Not even close. But you telling me about how your first time in the woods was way back when?" Her eyes go all wide and haunted like she can't even conceive of how long ago that must've been, ancient as he is, but she doesn't finish the thought, too busy staring back through the eons. She refocuses as her leg swings out just a little, just enough that her ankle knocks against his where he's got her snagged.

"Oh," marks amused surprise for the mention of the zipties. "Is that why?" She doesn't buy that for one minute, but that doesn't mean she's not gonna try to hold him to that later. She almost snorts her eggs at the offer which follows, a little cough clearing her throat before she swallows. Pointing her fork Yule's way, she confirms, "Stories about you all broken up and undone? Yeah, gorgeous. I need that. More than you could know." Really doesn't sound like she's imagining anxiety attacks. She goes in for another bite, but pauses before it gets to her lip, offering an out as she wonders, "That the whole depth of your interest in psychedelics, Nine?"

"Just wait until I give you the pep talk about how easy you have it, cause you didn't have to walk uphill, both ways, in the snow." Comes his amused retort, those brown eyes flickering across her face as amusement sparkles to life momentarily. That bump against his foot has his swaying as he puts some effort to working on his food, waiting until the end to pick and choose which he wants to respond to and when. "Yeah. Mostly academic. The science is fascinating. Potential. Back with my Bachelors? Did pot. Mushrooms once. Into medical school? Then residence, and now?" His shoulders lift up into a small shrug, not upset in the least about the things he has to give up to make his own desires a reality. "Impossible to really do. Same with why I don't overdo it on drink. Have to be on call, have to be clear headed."

"And even then. When I'm not on call. It's a matter of what if something happens, and there is a way I can help. Still a doctor, even if I don't work on the living most of the time. Part of that fear, yeah?" It's the french toast he starts on next, carving it up one bite at a time. "Broken up and undone? Yeah? Really wondering if there isn't anything that doesn't get to me?" Up one eyebrow arches with curiosity, and this time the pause has far more weight. Deliberate, yes, as he considers those far more personal stories than even the ones he's already shared, before his head dips into a faint nod. "I'll tell you one, sometime. Back at the trailer, if you really want to know."

Sparrow's eyes roll for that initial quip, though she can't quite hide the warmth in her smile, how she's a sucker for that kinda dorky cheese. Brows pitch upward curiously at the admission of doing mushrooms, a thread presented for her pulling, but it's what follows which catches her attention at the moment, fork tipping his way like she's got a point to make on that supposed impossibility. And as he goes on, she shakes her head, hand lowering to set her fork down. Emptied, her right hand presses to her chest, and she tells him, "That's why you need someone with experience and insight. There is a lot of misinformation out there that's just flat out unreliable, bad behavior or bad dosing leading to bad experiences, when the fact is that you can experience some of the connectivity and visuals of most psychedelics without stepping too far away from reality--and your capacity to function like a normal person--if you don't want to."

Which has her hand tipping out in a lazy sort of gesture as she adds, "Now, if you do? All about planning. Need two days. Drop early on day one. Before noon, ideally. Order some pizza and binge some Netflix as you're coming down. Then day two is sleeping in, taking it easy, rehydrating. You'll be functional but sluggish. Best to just recover." Though she picks up her fork again, something else comes to mind, and she adds, "And you always wanna go in with the right mindset. Bringing a lot of ick into it with you is gonna make for a shit experience. Always good to have someone who knows their way through with you." With a scrunch of her nose, she murmurs, "I'll get off my soapbox now." Beat. "And take a raincheck on the horror stories. Let myself keep believing you perfect and unshakeable for now."

Sparrow remembers that thread she left unpulled, eyes going bright as she lets out a little, "Ooh!" then adds, "Though if you wanna tell me about your psilocybin exploration, I am all ears right now."

It's all listened to, and none of those points are ones he'd quibble with, but rather pulling at the thoughts she presents. "That's sort of the problem, yeah? The right mindset. Especially in my line of work. I cope well," His hand lifts up, fingers unfurling to present no challenge to the thought, "But it doesn't mean that some of those darker visuals aren't there, lurking in the back. I believe it could be a fascinating time, yeah? But what about figuring out the proper doses. Does it change from person to person, the potential side effects and how they respond, like any other medication? And is functional but sluggish good enough for me?" It's far more a matter of thinking out loud rather than shutting down the topic, though there is a faint smile that curls to his mouth as he leans in. "You know? You sure sound a lot like that TED speaker."

His fork resumes it's dissection of his french toast, savoring it as he listens to those last words, a waggle of his brows coming, "I'm /still/ perfect." He assures, regardless of whatever those stories might be. "Stronger rather than broken. Just bent, but it just adds character." Though that's all he'll say about it, the smile fading a beat before she tosses out that one last little tidbit. "Bad experience," Up that fork lifts, giving a point her direction, "Exactly what you said, yeah? State of mind. Or maybe just a bad dose. Who the hell knows. But I certainly don't recommend them after a biology lab that involves your first time dissecting animals that has left you feeling squeamish."

While listening, it's very clear that Sparrow's got a lot to say, engaged as she is in the conversation, catching every detail and looking ready to pounce, to share. But when Yule gets to the end, when he shares those sparse details of his own bad experience, she keeps quiet for a long while, just watching him across the table, warmth in her eyes and her smile yet present. "One of the things Rick Doblin was talking about," referencing that TED talk she sounds so much like, "was processing... stuff. Trauma, largely. That's the application he's exploring, but that's not all there is. Even with all that in your head? If you go in with an awareness of it and a willingness to engage and accept it? Totally changes how you're gonna address it when it comes up. Which--" She makes a face. "I know it sounds fluffy. I'm fluffy. My parents are fluffy. I was raised fluffy. And... fluff works. Not all the time in all ways, but definitely here. And there's science behind it. That talk was, yeah, about some of the science behind it."

She tilts forward a little as she murmurs, "And, not that I'm trying to push for anything cuz I totally one hundred percent respect your decision not to, no excuses needed, but? We're a chemist and a doctor." She stares at him wide-eyed for a second. "Pretty sure we can figure out the math. Especially if we err on the side of caution and low doses. It is totally controllable." Her hand comes up to wave as she straightens up, adding, "And the sluggishness is recovering from a deep delve. Smaller dose? As long as we keep you hydrated, you'll be fine."

Between bites as she finally gets back to her food, she explains, "I remember the first time I saw my face melting. I mean, there's a reason they call it face melting. It's... weird. Disconcerting. Kinda fucks with your sense of identity." Flicking a look up, she adds, "Now? I stand in front of that mirror every time and let myself dissolve. I got enough ego in my day to day. I can let go of it for a little while." Her smile flashes bright, interrupted by some tasty eggs.

While she speaks and Yule listens, he's picking up a piece of bacon to start working on it one bite at a time, the simplicity of it allowing those brown eyes to be riveted on her features. It's as those points are made, the passion and meaning behind those words come out that he can't help the smile that isn't just flashed, but rests on his features as he watches and absorbs all she has to say. "There is fluffy in a lot of science, yeah? Like it or not. Psychology. Doctor's bedside manners, how we help people handle the news of the loss of loved ones. All right. Not fluff in the science, but fluff in the /profession/, at least for those who get it. Nothing wrong with that."

"For me, personally? Like I said, it's fascinating. But," It's a pause, a faint frown, considering just how much of that heavy to lay upon the woman, before his head just shakes slightly. "Maybe. I'll think about it." There is a solemn promise there, and this time it's a point with that half eaten piece of bacon. "Though everything you say? Is why there needs to be people who are championing experimenting in the field. Even with marijuana, the adoption of the use of CBD oil has had a lot of great benefits while removing some of the complications. Not that there are many to begin with," In that piece of bacon goes, snapped off and chewed on, before he concludes that point, "Thing is? Psychedelics could really use the same treatment. Clinic science behind it, observations, side effects, refinement. And a lot of those things can be far better than the opioids that we toss out like candy now."

Oh, but it is those last words of the woman that get a sly smile from him, eyes dropping to a half lidded state when she says she can let go of her ego for a bit. "Yeah? We'll find out what else you can let go of for a bit, too."

Sparrow, a bit lost in the conversation, might not take immediate note of how that smile holds, but there's a very good chance it's something some part of her has carefully tucked away for future reference, a first filed into its proper place for future review and enjoyment. Right now? She laughs for the point he makes about fluff and science, her own smile bright, happy, effortless. She catches on that 'maybe' like she might want to offer more reassurance that he really doesn't need to, that it's alright, but she doesn't, instead issuing a shallow, slightly belated nod. "And there's a lot of really good work on synthetics right now to similar ends," she says of removing those complications. "I mean, when we really get into the chemistry, that's where I want to be." A rather grim breath of laughter comes for the comment on opioids. "That's the fear with any of this though. One thing that struck me listening to that talk? He said the goal is to have everyone trained by his team at his facility, and you know that's not gonna last. But that's a whole different conversation."

His last remark, all slick and half-lidded, earns a rather dopey smile from the redhead. "I can think of quite a few things off the top of my head." And it looks like she might be mentally running through the, the way her eyes edge upward, lost in mental mathematics. "We should maybe compare lists sometime." She bites a piece of honeydew from her fork, and it might be tucked into her cheek when she wonders, "Will you maybe overdo it a little with me while we're off in Seattle?"

That last piece of bacon as savored as the red head ticks off those thoughts around the actual chemistry of it all, and it earns her a gentle tug against that foot, his reeling in so that her leg is extended further to his side. "Sure. It won't last. But it's a good place to start. Always one of those things where if it catches on? It'll be hard to keep such close control over it." But that's the last he says on the thread, though that smile? It lingers for a few heartbeats afterwards while he chews on his bacon. As that last crunch bit is savored and swallowed, an eyebrow ticks upwards in a questioning look. "Yeah? Maybe we should. And as for Seattle. We are going to a black tie event. With you in a ravishing dress. Of course we are going to overdo it a little." Comes the reassured promise as Yule leans back into his seat.

Out his phone comes, pulled free to flash a look at the time before it is put down. "Know I won't see you tomorrow. Thanksgiving and all. Enjoy your time with the family, I'll do the same. And you already know what I'm thankful for." That has a quirk of his mouth up into a faint smile. "And next time? I'll even let you meet one of the siblings, if I can find where they are running around at. Noelle is gunna be the easiest, but I have a feeling that the two of you? Are going to cause way too much trouble together, if I'm not careful."

"Good." Is that for the list-comparing or the overdoing-it? Doesn't matter. Sparrow's still smiling happily at Yule when he checks his phone, when he brings up the holiday on the horizon. "Any time you wanna tell me again," she croons on the subject of thankfulness, though the little tip of her tongue to her lips suggests that she might have something in mind other than a verbal recitation of praises. "Not sure I believe any of your siblings could be trouble," is a blatant, flat out lie. For one, she's witnessed Ellis in passing. For two, well... "You're certainly nothing but nice." Her grin goes wide as her eyes half-lid. She brushes her foot against his calf before slipping from that contact, letting him go. "Next time is gonna be you at my place," she informs him. "Within the next couple of days. While we're all on holiday. Unless something comes up, obviously. But I'm pretty sure we're getting the band together. I'd like you to come watch."

"Next time is in a couple of days? You going to be able to manage going without that long?" Him, of course, is surely the implication there as that lazy smile comes across his features. "And someone has to set a good example for them, besides just Nat. Talk about a hard job serving as a role model." A wink accompanies that, and then he is starting to slip from the booth, his fingers curling about his phone. "I should go wrap up a few loose ends at work, and then I have a thing to help out with tonight. Let me know the details when you have them ironed out for the brand practice, and I'll be yours." It's a step over towards her side, one hand on the back of her booth, the other on the table as he leans over. Foreheads bump gentle, and there his face lingers for a moment before finally closing in for the kiss, savoring that sweetness of lips, teeth nipping against the lower before he releases and straightens.

"You know how to use your phone, Nine," Sparrow points out with a sharp little grin, one dark brow quirked. "And you know where I'll be. If you find yourself getting a little restless." When he gets up, she starts to move, even though it's pretty clear she's gonna linger a little bit longer to finish her lunch before heading back out to campus. Edging closer to the end, closer to his approach, her hand catches on his coat as she tips into that touch and murmurs, "You're already mine," so very contentedly just before his lips find hers, that nip drawing a soft laugh. For a few seconds after he pulls away, she sits there just like that, smiling up at him, eyes closed, happy. Without further word, then, she scoots back over and gets back to her lunch, watching Yule as he goes.