2020-01-17 - Super The Best At Escaping

Despite how things might appear! Patrick is not the kind of asshole that leaves (one of) his favorite cousin(s) in the hospital without so much as a visit. Especially since the chick he's banging is in a room, like, right over there. So he's at least put his head in a couple times, and made sure to bring Enzo one of his patented bouquets of flowers - it's super-bright and cheerful with sunflowers and daisies and a couple of obnoxiously crinkly GET WELL SOON balloons. "Rumor has it," he's saying when he comes into the room on this late afternoon, checking behind him in the hospital corridor to be sure no one is following him, "that you're getting out of here today. One way or the other."

Assuming Enzo is decent. If he's like nekkid or covered in blood or something, then his opening line is gonna be much different.

Is Enzo even here? No, seriously. Where the fuck is Enzo? There's a crumpled hospital gown on the bed, but no man. Except for maybe- wait for it- look there's some feet on the other side of that curtain. After a second, Patrick's Best Cousin Ever swings the material back.

"Wow, you have great timing! I was just discharged."

No, he wasn't. Enzo is absolutely full of shit and looks equally like shit. The hospital would probably not want to let him go wandering around.

Also he has clothes on.

There's a moment where no one is in the room but Patrick, staring at the crumpled clothes, his expression rapidly darkening - but oh good! Enzo hasn't just evaporated. The brewing storm clears quickly so that, when Patrick's [Something] Cousin Ever materializes, it looks a whole lot like it has just made Patrick absolutely delighted. He even smiles. Briefly. "Wonderful. You look like a man that's definitely healthy and ready to be sent home. I brought you some things." They're in a grocery bag on the ground right next to the entrance, a coat and hat and stuff.

"Wheelchair?" He makes weighing motions with his hands, scrutinizing Enzo with a squint that eases into a nod. "Wheelchair."

Patrick's Most Handsomest Cousin Ever Despite the Hospital Hair Cut, has on a smile now like he's waiting to see if Patrick is going to go along with the fabrication or make him sit his broken ass back down. When he says wheelchair, Enzo pumps his fist into the air and then immediately regrets it because this shit hurts. All of it. "Ow, yeah. Wheelchair is a great idea. Toss me the bag?" Yeah. Definitely toss it.

"Oh, this whole thing is a great idea," says Patrick in the wake of that totally not painful-looking fist-pump. On his way to the hallway, he leans over and plucks the bag of crap and tosses it at Enzo - catch, gimpy! - back turned so he won't see what he will assumes is a resultant crash. He can probably hear it from the hallway, though, while he's roaming around to find some kind of abandoned wheelchair. Those things are just left all over randomly in hospitals, right?

Patrick + Wheelchair = Returned. "You know that the only thing in your medicine cabinet is one sad little bottle of Excedrin, of course." Not that he went through all Enzo's shit while he was away from home, but he went through all Enzo's shit. "Anything in your IV you might want to try to take with you?"

It hits Enzo in the chest and it falls onto the floor. Enjoy this while it lasts, Patrick. Someday Enzo will be back to his not injured self and he will CATCH things. He leans down with a significant amount of groaning, grumbling and complaining. The stuff inside is pulled out and he tugs the hat down over his terrible hospital haircut. "Look, I don't care if it's a good idea or not. I fucking hate hospitals. I don't like how they smell, I don't like what they look like, I don't like the old people in them and the nurses always look like they want to murder me. It's like my worst nightmare."

He squints at Patrick when he talks about the medicine cabinet and its lack of good stuff. "I don't keep anything fun in the medicine cabinet. That's all in my car." Wtf Enzo why are your drugs in your car? Even Enzo's player isn't sure, but it sounded like a fun place to keep drugs so that's what we're going with. Enzo is a very stupid smart person.

"Stands to reason," says Patrick in a real 'duh, why didn't i think of that' tone re: drugs in car. "Give me your keys, and I'll - " Ransack Enzo's stash real fast. " - make sure to bring them up to your apartment for you when we get home. Why did you let them cut your hair?" He zooms the empty wheelchair around the empty space in the room, then eeeeeerrrrts it to a stop behind Enzo. Yes, he crashes it into the backs of his cousin's legs, but not hard; just enough to make sure Enzo's aware that it happened and will have cause to be further annoyed. "And pop the collar. I don't think we can buy our way out of here, so this may just be a mad dash to the emergency exit."

"Fine," Enzo digs around in his pocket for the keys to the car that's parked somewhere. Probably outside the apartment. How did he hook up with that group, anyway? Walked? Maybe. Who knows! Such mystery. The wheelchair crashes into his legs and he sits down with thump into the chair, mumbling about how much he hates Patrick under his breath. He does indeed, pop the collar. He pulls the hat down, he hunches. "It wasn't really a fashion choice. The stupid dolls ripped out a bunch of my hair and I guess they were- cleaning the wounds? Whatever. They cut all my hair off. Life sucks." Yes, this is the biggest concern Enzo has. It's like -5 handsome points.

It's nice for Patrick to finally be marginally more attractive than Enzo; it's the reason that, instead of being all 'aww das so sad,' he's like, "It's a good look. I might skip the murder dolls, personally, but you should consider keeping the trim."

There's one quick look cast around the room. Nothing else in here looks like it belongs to Enzo? Then Patrick wheels his Ugliest Cousin to the door of the room, pops his head into the hallway, looks both ways, and deduces, "I think that big orderly is going to be a problem." Seeing as he's mopping the floor like RIGHT in front of the exit that Patrick planned to use. The other way is the nurse's station. "Rush him or risk the nurses that want you dead?"

For the record, Enzo is only the Ugliest Cousin At The Moment and that's only because he was beaten senseless for refusing the friendship of murderous dolls (and also charging the biggest one of them, but who's keeping score). He looks at the big orderly and then he looks down toward the nurse's station. "Rush him. If he starts bothering us, just tell him that I have anthrax and you're escorting me to a hospital with an isolation ward." Because apparently anthrax is highly contagious.

The record is duly noted.

Patrick is neither the prettiest Addington nor the toughest (if there is such a thing), and it's the latter issue that gives him a moment's pause. "Right. Anthrax." He checks for his wallet, though, just in case - he's adequately flush to pay off this dude that slows down his mop to eyeball the duo approaching this particular section of floor and the emergency exit beyond it. "Uh, you guys gotta use the elevator." He points down the hallway, beyond the nurse's station. "This exit's only for emergencies. See?"

Indeed, the door informs them that ALARM WILL SOUND if they try to use this door. Patrick will probably mention the anthrax if Enzo doesn't get there first.

"I have anthrax," Enzo near immediately informs the guy with the mop. "They said this exit would be disabled so that I could go through and not infect the other patients. Look, it's making my hair fall out." He takes off his hat and shows this poor man his terrible haircut complete with scabs from where Jill pilled out chunks of his hair and scalp. "You should probably mop over there, unless you want to catch anthrax too." So full of shit.

"Hold up," says the orderly, squinting at the scabs from a safe distance away. He works in a hospital, so he's gotta have seen worse, but still. "Isn't anthrax like - something else kinda?" But he's not quite sure, and he looks between Enzo and Patrick to prove it. "Maybe I'm thinking of polio."

Behind Enzo, Patrick takes his hands off the back of the wheelchair and shines a couple of thumbs-up, nodding agreeably. "So if you'll just..." His chin tilting toward the alarm over the door finishes the sentence.

Behind Patrick behind Enzo, nurses are buzzing in a worrisome way.

Enzo really needs to sell this, so he starts coughing aggressively into his hands. "Please. There's a car waiting to take me to..." COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH. "...my destination. Please don't delay, press that button today." COUGH COUGH COUGH.

Patrick gives Enzo a hard thump on the back. Pretty hard. Not too hard, 'cause the guy is at death's door or whatever, but harder than it needed to be. "Are you prepared to answer for a man's life?"

The question was unnecessary. Having skittered backward at the coughing, looking over the shoulders of the two men toward the nurses like he's sure they're coming for HIM, the orderly reaches back and puts some kind of key in some kind of door. (Imaginary hospitals work however they need to.) "Okay, but are you sure you should be using the fire escape, mister?" It's two flights down from here. He pushes the door open, as if to prove this point. It's cold.

"Please, sir! This is important! I need to get outside!" And that's when Enzo, who is suffering from anthrax, gets up and walks through the emergency door and out onto the fire escape, leaving the wheelchair behind entirely with the orderly. He limps and and moves painfully along, but fuck this. He's getting out of here before the nurses come for him. It is cold out here and Enzo has on uh, street clothes and whatever jacket Patrick showed up with. He puts his hat back on, he covers his ears.

Patrick foists the now unnecessary wheelchair off on the orderly with an apologetic smile, as if to say 'thank you, kind NPC, for fulfilling your purpose.' He snatches the door closed behind them, mumbling briskly, "Like that will slow them down." After pulling in a breath of this brisk air, he shivers, stares at Enzo with a dull humor, then leans forward to survey the damp and icy stairway between them and a damp and icy parking lot. "I really hope you feel better than you look." Because now Patrick is crowding/herding him down those stairs, personal space is over.

Does Enzo feel better than he looks? HAHAHAHAHA.

Enzo gives Patrick look that basically says, "I've fucking got this."

Guess what?

Enzo doesn't got this. He doesn't got shit.

He slips on the first GD rung and falls straight down like a sack of potatoes with a terrible haircut. But it's okay, Patrick, he starts getting up and waves to show he's okay. Only to slip and go down over the next ladder. He lands on his back, dazed and useless. The only reason he doesn't end up in the street is because his player is pretty sure you have to let the ladder down.

Probably the ladder is supposed to be let down manually, but fire escapes are built by the lowest bidder. When Enzo lands on his back, the ladder behind him gives, and he's about thiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to teetering over the edge.

Still two flights above him, Patrick is peering over the rail through all of this, looking appropriately horrified. And also insanely entertained. But no! Horrified. Aghast. "Jesus Christ, could you possibly have fallen any more painfully?" He starts down the stairs at a more reasonable pace, though he picks it up a notch when the door from the hallway opens; the nurses are coming for them!

Punchline plz be: Enzo falls down the ladder.

The nurses are coming! Panic nearly grips Enzo and it's never going to be clear whether he holds it together because he's not totally useless or because he just fell down two sets of ladders and probably has a concussion and should really be re-admitted. Or rather, RETURNED TO ADMISSION since he was never properly discharged. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He rolls over onto his stomach and starts fighting with the ladder, eventually forcing the thing to shake loose and lower to the ground. "Time to go, they're going to get me. Fuck this place."

"Oh! Mister Addington, please!" The nurse is not a threatening individual. She's wearing pleasant-colored scrubs and looks appropriately horrified - not like Patrick-horrified, but like normal human horrified. "You really shouldn't - "

But she's three flights up now, and Enzo is making all the noise, and Patrick is making any leftover noise with his now hasty pace down the icy stairs. One sec, fair is fair.

Well, fuck. He eats it about three steps down the second flight, skids on his ass, lands crunched right up next to Enzo while he's chanting 'fuck.' There's some unpretty groaning.

"NO WAY, LADY!" Enzo calls back up to the totally normal human being. He sits up and starts shaking Patrick, "SNAP OUT OF IT." This really is pretty unreasonable when you think about it. But they've gotta get out of here. He tugs on his cousin, yanking on his sleeve to jar the Currently Prettier Addington to his senses. Then he goes down the ladder. It's going okay...

until the end...

Where he slips on the last rung and ends up on his back in the snow. "Fuck."

Patrick blinks at the cartoon stars, through them toward the nurse - whose commitment to a patient's safety really only extends as far as the top of the fire escape; she's not going to climb down all the stairs after them, guys, way to overreact. "Fuck," he echoes from above, rubbing the back of his head with a brush of his hand. No blood, but that's a nice goose egg. Once more, his head pops into view at the top of the ladder, surveying Enzo. "We should sue the hospital."

The one with their name on it.

Enzo better move; Patrick is now clattering stiffly down this ladder, favoring his left leg handsomely. And his nice coat is all dirty. "For a hefty sum."

Enzo rolls out of the way, not gracefully at all. His clothes (are these all even his clothes?) are a miserable mess, just like Patrick's coat. "Yes," he says with a groan, dragging himself onto his hands and feet. "We should sue the hospital. What kind of shoddy, understaffed, incompetent hospital just leaves the fire escape unguarded like this? Anyone can escape out of it." Like one of the lunatics whose family owns it or runs it or whatever the story is there. Crazy eccentric rich people.

"Barely, though." Patrick half-shoves, half-hops his way to his feet. Foot. Ow. He hobbles around a few paces, hissing through the walk-it-off pain, before he comes around to offer a hand down to Enzo. "Whatever you have in your car had better be worth all this." The nurse is still up there, watching them dazedly, but they don't get tackled by security guards in the parking lot or anything. Bemusedly, "Though. If I'm being completely honest, I thought it would be harder than this. Somehow."

if it had been, enzo would definitely be dead 🙁

Enzo is most useful when he's unconscious and defying the laws of physics somehow.

"Lets just say, I don't cut corners with that kind of thing." Enzo isn't buying cheap drugs, Patrick. What's the point of inheritance and stuff if you're not spending it usefully. He accepts the hand and gets onto his feet, semi-steady despite all of the recent accidental violence to his already injured body. "They never expect the anthrax," he tells him seriously and then adds with a clap to his shoulder, "You're my favorite cousin type."

Patrick, with a long-suffering sigh, "Please put that on my headstone." He doesn't go so far as to try to help carry Enzo or anything, but he hovers near enough that he could catch the dude if he fell (again). They take someone's car home - Enzo's, Patrick's, it doesn't matter as long as there is some kind of painkiller at the other end of it. And yay for Enzo, he gets to fall unconscious sleep in his own bed tonight!

Their phones are gonna be some kind of blown up in the morning, though.