Magnolia -- Sat Aug 03, 2019 11:02pm
WOMAN FOUND DEAD AT SPRUCE INDUSTRIAL PLAZA
GHPD responded to an anonymous 911 call at 9:08PM on Wednesday that lead officers a body of an unidentified woman outside the Gray Harbor Gazette offices.
Initial coroner's report has confirmed that both of the woman's kidneys were removed post-mortem. This matches the same description of a body found at the Maple Shopping Center on November 3rd.
Ignacio -- Thu Aug 08, 2019 10:17am
Questionable Advice Column
By Ignacio deSantos
Before I go on I’m informed by my editor that I am legally obligated to apologize to our readers for explaining how to weaponize candy corn in our last publication.
Beyond that? Well the week went by pretty much how I thought it would. It’s been one of those times I can feel my life turning into a Paul Rudd dramady. With Thanksgiving coming up and a lot of big life choices for me and many of us really I want to let you know I’m actually pretty grateful for all you.
Writing started out as therapy for me after I woke up in the hospital after losing more than a leg. (see my book ‘Swimming for Sharks’ on Amazon). It was a way for me to reach out from the hospital and get my anger out. Since moving out here when Jessica suggested this project (Wooo shout out, girl!) it’s become a way to reach out. Won’t lie, this week was harrowing for me, but going through these letters I realized something that A- we are not alone and we all got things bugging us. B- maybe even if I can’t fix my issues we can still make some effort fixing yours. Sometimes life’s a team building exercise.
Yeah yeah I sound like a Pixar film film and a Hallmark card had a one night stand that writes for the press now. I get it. Let’s see what’s going on in Gray Harbor this week yeah?
Dear Iggy,
Pretty sure my dreams are going to eat me
and everybody I love. How do I make that not happen?
Cuz I want that not to happen.
Really really want that not to happen. Thanks!
--Nommed By Dreams
Dear NomNom,
Step one: If you’re fooling around with food stuffs before bed, shower first. I mean that's just good for hygiene full stop, however, if we’re talking literally you don’t want to advertise as an accidental dessert.
Step two: Sometimes we have to make peace with the fact that sometimes, real, asleep, or between sometimes things will not be in our control. Sometimes it’s a serial killer in the city, or angry spirits, or trees. Trees is a new one but I heard some people talking stuff about Spruce Springsteen getting his pine cones in an uproar, or even a rogue phone pole that jumps out in front of our car, or wet leaves on sand. It’s important to realize that there are always going to be dangers.
We can either get paranoid, stop having friends, and never leave the house which really only reduces the issue by 30% because this is Gray harbor, or teach ourselves to be ready to respond. Trust me, I get it, I can’t run and walking is a labor of love. Fighting? Eh forget what the movies say about coming from NYC. I am intimately familiar with feeling helpless but we can always take a deep breath, assess and ask ourselves what **can* I do?* Life is taking a risk, and is not a guarantee, but you might surprise yourself. With practice, Nom, you can get better at figuring out what works for you, and them.
You’re not alone. You’re not crazy.
Dear Iggy,
Friendzones. Are they even really a thing?
Can't you just be... Not interested? And what if you
really like a friend but you're just too shy to tell them
you're into them? if they think you friendzoned them
can you really take them out?
--Signed, A Certain Furry Pokemon
Deer Peek-at-Choo,
I love pokemon. I don’t know about you but my favourite is still Oddish. Lil onion chillin in the dirt, and then make you take a dirt nap if you try to turn him into guac. Notice there’s no tomato or avocado pokemon. Don’t mess with the mighty chubby onion! Sadly, they are not real and neither is the ‘Friendzone’ unless you’re talking social media-wise.
The friendzone is a construct make by some BS dudes with ‘tudes that think being nice entitles people to let them into their pants. Like I said in my racing days ‘compliment my car all you want, but it don’t mean I’m taking you for a ride’. YOU are the driver here. If you are driving then you are not required to give pedestrians a ride. Picking up hitchhikers is generally cautioned against, and a hitchhiker trying to demand you do so is honestly setting themselves up to be run over.
IF you are shy it’s hard. We don’t want to lose what we have but sometimes wonder if it can be more. It’s scary. We have to deconstruct what is scary to make the ‘scary’ stop. Sometimes that means taking a zombie apart with a trowel, and sometimes that is telling a friend, ‘Hey, no pressure but have you ever wondered about us, ya know, going out out sometime?’ and just accepting the answer. It may not be a good time for them. They maybe shy and not knowing how to ask, but if they are worth dating you’re going to need to be able to trust them. Think of it as their test and you are interviewing them for auditioning to be your SO. Remembering YOU are in control of what you agree to can help.
Dear Iggy,
Is it morally wrong to want to try and obtain
more of a drug because of the mind-blowing
sex you had while your SO was on it?
--Signed, Sleepless (in a good way) in Seattle
Sleepy,
Wait...did I just write myself again?! I am a recovering so some days I wake up to weird things and I gotta ask. Soooo, yeah dicey situation here because one should not try to dose your SO. That’s like not ‘morally wrong’, Sleeps, I’m pretty sure that’s straight up illegal. NOW, I’m all for starting a dialog, but I’d definitely check and see if it’s long-term harmful to them, etc. Fantastic sex or no it’s better to do cross-country than a sprint and be bereft of an SO. I’m guessing you may want them around for a while.
Now if it’s that crazy tree sap?! (If it is you know what I’m talking about!) Holy CRAP. I’m going to go with a hard yes (pun intended), but like don’t tie your SO to a tree. Seriously, safe sex is important and they deserve to be able to spell their name should they so choose, but in the end? It’s their call and if we love them we should always put their wishes and well-being first, and respect their choices over our amusement. Also if you find that tree sap call me. Asking for a friend.
Dear Iggy,
How was New York? I wanted to ask before I go
What’s the difference between NY Style Pizza
and Chicago pizza?
--Globetrotter
Dear Globes,
First of you feed NY pie to someone you like. It’s got a fantastic balance of all that’s good in the world. Hot, cold, folded in half? It loves you and it tastes like you are important to the world. Chicago deep dish is a damn cheese quiche made by some plebeian that thinks bread, cheese, and sauce do a pizza make. You can’t just throw sauce and cheese on a throw pillow made of pure carbs. That’s not what love tastes like, that’s what deception taste like.
NYC All the way, baby
And thank you for your important cultural question. Super glad you asked. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
That’s it for this week. Keep the questions coming in. We are all in this together, and frankly without being to ride the carousel in Addington Park this is what I have to entertain myself.
Stay classy, Gray Harbor.
Iggs out.
KarmaBum -- Sun Aug 11, 2019 12:15pm
The Gazette runs a front-page piece on Sunday, 11/24, regarding the arrest of five unnamed security guards outside the bridge leading to the Grand Olympic Casino in the evening of Saturday, 11/23. The story doesn't have a lot of details, noting that the police are not currently commenting on an ongoing investigation.
Like newspapers do, they go on to remind readers about the Casino's struggles - how it was supposed to open in January 2019 but has been mired in legal troubles since a lawsuit filed by local real estate magnate Joseph Pursley raised questions about the Casino's impact on the habitat of the Cutthroat Trout. It talks about Joshua Foster's ties to the casino owned by the Quinault Tribe, local activists who have protested against the Casino's opening, local activists who have protested for the Casino's opening, and how the project is all set to be completed and opened just as soon as the lawsuit is settled. Of course, the article also mentions the deaths of the Krugers on 9/13/19, recalling that they were set to testify in the case on behalf of Pursley (and the trout) and were found murdered in their motel; the police are still actively investigating their deaths.
August -- Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:09pm
Chaos erupted at the Hammond Christmas Tree Farm on Black Friday, as bear and moose squared off among the normally quaint and placid Christmas trees. Witnesses report one moose knocked out a tree, sending a man flying. Quick action on the part of locals succeeded in scaring the animals off, and the Hammonds are hard at work repairing their property fence.
"It was like nothing I've seen in all my years," Georgia Hammond said. "And I've lived in this area my whole life. One of those moose was right out of the ice age, he was at least twenty feet at the shoulder. Never seen anything like it!"
The Parks Service reminds locals and tourists alike that moose can be highly dangerous, and should never been approached. Bears have a keen sense of smell, and will come for food even in locked vehicles.
Stay safe out there, even when shopping for Christmas trees!
Ignacio -- Wed Aug 14, 2019 9:03pm
Questionable Life Advice
By Ignacio de Santos
Welcome back! As we enter the holiday seasons I'm compelled to remind that I'm not a licensed therapist. I'm not qualified to give advice, I'm just paid to.
That said I'll be the first to admit the holidays are particularly hard for me and a lot of us. It's walking, it's family stress, and I'm looking down the barrel of surgery number 14. It’s a time of a lot of changes for me and I’ll tell you the urge to relapse into familiar habits is out there. It’s just unbelievably overwhelming sometimes to run back to the devil we know because familiar, even unhealthy is a comfort. I’ll tell you what, though, and for those of you struggling with life’s hurdles, sometimes the change, while scary, is going to be better in the long run.
Instead of hiding I’m going to head out and maybe faila couple times, and you know I’ll work on that. It’s why I got two geese coming to the house- incase I burn one. As it’s Thanksgiving I’m going to focus on the things I do have going right instead of the parts not working so good. The Dalai Lama said “Sometimes not getting what you want is exactly what you need” and right now I got what I need, and I’m going to go make them the best family dinner I can.
Second chances are something to be grateful for and sometimes it’s ourselves we have to give one to. So there was a lot of mail this week. Let’s see where you are at today while the parade is on, Gray Harbor.
Hello Ignacio!
First, your articles are insightful and I love them.
Second, I was hoping you could help me with a problem.
I totally have a crush on one of my friend's friends.
He's cute and funny and we've totally had moments where
he's been so kind and supportive for me, but he's also just
a sweet guy. I've seen him having touching moments with
other people too, and it makes me depressed. I know I don't
have a claim, and I think he has a crush on someone else.
How can I deal with this? I don't want to lose my friends!
-Crushed by Crushes
Dear Orange Crush,
First off, Awww! I love you too, random citizen! Second, let’s deconstruct this because I think you have a lot of good things to work with here. So up front there’s no such thing as a ‘claim’ to a person. That’s actually outlawed. People are not property, Furosa said so. Someone cannot have a claim on another any more than you can ‘steal’ someone’s SO short of kidnapping. So that’s part one. They’re in control of what they choose for themselves just like you are and that’s actually great news. It gives you a ton of options like Netflix but without the annual fees controlling what you watch and what you choose for yourself.
As for this guy being nice on all sorts of people? This is a great sign! Who wants to date a jerk? Being awesome to others doesn’t make them disinterested in you, it means it seems they might be consistently a genuinely GOOD person and that’s a rare find, friend. Seeing value in others doesn’t mean you have less value. Tru fax.
My advice? Spend time with them. Let the goal be quality time and if something more happens from it? It does. Invite them out to coffee or even skating. If you don’t know how? Even better. It’s fun to have a project you can learn together and at worst you come out of it with a great connection. Or it’s a tandem trip to the ER but that’s still a way to learn about one another. Just don’t write me about that because I don’t want to be fined for a HIPAA violation.
Dear Iggy,
How can I get someone interested in me? Let me rephrase,
how can I get anyone interested in me? Sure, I work long
hours but I'm not a hermit - not yet at least. I recently
discovered I was fluid (I believe that is the correct term)
but that also means I discovered no gender was interested
in me - maybe it would be better if I had just thought it was
identified males with no interest? Even my friend, they shyest
person I know, is 3-0 up on me relationship wise in just this year!
Any advice will be appreciated.
Regards,
Nuns Have More Fun
Dear Habit Breaker,
People get so damn wired up about being in a relationship these days. If you want someone to love you then you have to first love yourself. I’ve been in therapy for that for like 6 years and here’s the truth, we have to love ourselves before others can love us. Take time to get to know you and find the things you love about yourself. That will gravitate people who love those things to TO you. We have to be around ourselves all the time. Be the person you enjoy the company of. If someone else is worth investing that time in they’ll want to be around that person you are too. Your value isn’t based on the opinions of others. Furiosa taught us people are not things. It’s also not a competition.
Love is a lot like sushi: You have to take quality over quantity or else it’ll just be fishy and leave you feeling sick.
Also, hey congrats to you for coming out. I thank you for sharing with us. And, also, you’ve inspired me to run a bar trivia night for singles. I’ll see what I can do to help our singles out there.
Dear Iggy,
What's your take on Black Friday? My store is reasonably new in town
(haven't even been here a year) and I'm not sure I even care for the
holiday. American consumerism is so played out. The thought of a
bunch of sweaty, mouth-breathing neckbeards waiting to pile into my
store as soon as I open pretty much makes me want to vomit. But also,
the possibility of parting those scrubs from their money also interests me.
Also, the thought of being up early kinda makes me want to kill myself.
I'm torn.
Yours truly,
Control Issues
Dear Quality Control,
I don’t have a take. I get paid a flat salary, not per paper sold, so I dunno! As for consumerism? Well it’s paying your bills. If you’re in retail and don’t care for consumers you are straight up not getting the RoI you deserve emotionally. I’d say find out what brings you joy and pursue that! Just because you’re good at something or have been doing it for a while, or even if it seems easy or convenient doesn’t mean it’s a good plan; much like running from the cops when you are a smoker. Also maybe don’t try crime. Or retail. If you don’t want to be up early get an employee and pay them enough to agree to work for you and do this. It’s what my boss does. (Aw, crap he reads this. All love, man! See you this afternoon.) The people you are railing on are the ones that decide to shop with you. They don’t have to. Gotta respect the people that keep you in business or get out of brick and mortar. Etsy’s an option.
Dear Iggy,
One question, since when did dating become just a free for all
to date and sleep with as many people as possible at a time?
-Rather Stay Single
Dear Singularity,
Unless you are Miramax and hiring Ben Affleck dating isn’t exclusive on assumption. If you are Ben Affleck you’re pretty much owned wholesale, but you are doing some great work there. Thanks for Good Will Hunting. Now in the olden days before the SIMs this was common to just go out socially, and unless you got a pin, or another dog peed a circle around you, or whatever that social mating ritual was that two people worked out their monogamous to-do it meant you were, and are, free to see other people and do as you like. It all comes back to some blame-free communication just so everyone’s on the same page, of the same book, to know how to set some expectations. Some people like to read a novel, and others like anthologies. There’s all sorts of stories worth reading, but not all stories appeal to all audiences, but that’s why there’s so many book genres. No one’s left out this way, just read the section you like.
Dear Iggy,
My boss keeps blaming weird shit on me. I know it's
just this town being weird as hell, but if one more
customer winds up complaining because their waffles
got up off their plate and ran away, I'm gonna get fired.
-Waffles2Go
Dear W2G,
I think we met once and yeah that thing with the waffles was really whack! If it makes you feel better this totally happened at the Cracker Barrell a couple months ago where something fell out of the sky, blew up the most beautiful James Bond looking car ever right into the place, and hit me right in the tater tots. Working in a diner should have hazard pay!
The biggest thing I’d say focus on is resolving this where you’re not going to break any health code violations or cross-contaminate for allergies. I’d definitely say start learning how to use telekinesis to hold the food on the plate. Maybe serve with nets over the plate? But really, COCINA, QUE ESTA PENSANDO??! If it can run off the plate is it done cooking? NO! No it should not! It’s a waffle not a steak. Clearly this is the kitchen’s fault here and this cannot be highlighted enough that that waffle is under done. I grew up in a restaurant so let me tell you as a line cook myself? That stuff needs to be dead before it leaves the expo and prep area. Make sure your food is chill, no longer sentient, then serve, yo.
Seriously, my pops might be right. I might be missing my calling not staying in the restaurant business.
Dear Iggy,
I want to major in something I’m really passionate about,
but my parents want me to earn a decent wage, maybe
go become a software developer.
FAFSA Ate My Paycheck
FAFSALICIOUSNESS,
This is the hardest choice you have to make. It’s not even what to major in; it’s are you going to let others make your decisions for you or not. Now, our parents have a lot of life experience and that’s cool, but they sometimes also get used to raising us and don’t realize this is that time in our lives we are making decisions for ourselves.
Sometimes we don’t realize that this is the time WE should be making our own decisions. My dad wants me to open a restaurant with him, and while I love cooking and it makes me happy to do, and restaurants are in my blood, I don’t know that’s what I want to do with my life. Maybe I’d be great at it, but that’s his dream. I don’t know if it’s mine and to be honest I’m going through a lot of figuring myself out. I love writing. I love helping people. I really, really, really love not being eaten by Utah Raptors. Does it pay the bills? Not always consistently enough and I got a couple jobs. It’s hard work but I’m enjoying it and I’m proud of the work I do. Hell I work with some great people and I don’t regret that.
Your parents, believe it or not, sound like mind and many where they want what’s best for you. The hardest conversation I’ve had in recent times was telling my father the money isn’t everything and I need to go be who I want to be. There’s no silver bullet for getting a high paycheck except a few illegal jobs out there. Work’s going to be hard work. If you don’t love what you do you will suck at it. You deserve to pursue what you love and you might not use it in conventional ways. I’ve seen gardeners turn into Rambo to fight shrubbery. BE RAMBO was probably not part of the PE requirement for Botany at OU and yet here we are seeing proof that all jobs can get more exciting than we planned for: Battle Botanists. It might be hard work, but if you are happy they’ll be proud of you, or at least I will.
So that was some groovy stuff. I really appreciate you sharing. We’ll be back if I’m not trampled to death by shoppers I’ll see you in the Espresso Yourself who is having the early bird specials on lattes for the Black Friday shoppers (Sorry Quality Control, we’re caffeinating them), or next Thursday as we start the Gray Harbor holiday cascade of frozen stuff and over-decorating all of the things. My family may come from a place where we run with bulls, but I don’t run. I do cook geese though and I have to go get that prepped. Enjoy your holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving, Neighbors,
Iggy out ❤️
KarmaBum -- Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:23am
The Gazette occasionally picks up national news stories, and they have picked up a syndicated story from back east about the Long Island Serial Killer having been suspected to be "reactivated" in the past two weeks. A new body was found in a dumping ground for the LISK (also called the Gilgo Beach Killer and the Craigslist Ripper) in Suffolk County, New York.
Police had previously thought they must have caught the LISK on unrelated charges, since the killings stopped in either 2010 or 2013. A recent disappearance in the area was not originally linked to the LISK until fresh remains were discovered near Gilgo Beach, consistent with the methods used by the LISK previously. Local police and the FBI are hesitant to confirm that this all ties back to the same killer.
OOC: It's UNUSUAL for the Gazette to make mention of national news like this, but not unheard of. Could just be a slow news day locally. The LISK is/was a real thing - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Long_Island_serial_killer - so I just took some liberties. The biggest one being that the person is killing again. 😉
Isabella -- Sat Aug 17, 2019 7:10pm
Tucked in one of the later pages of The Gray Harbor Gazette is a brief article on the tragic death of local woodworker, James Joseph Carmichael, in a terrible car accident on his way home from his regular supply run at Branch & Bole.
The article's details indicate that the man was alive in the wreck site, and was immediately rushed to Addington Memorial, but died on the operating table. It also mentions the death's tragic timing - the young man just married his wife, Maria Cartajena -Carmichael, sometime in Halloween of this year.
(OOC: Directly related to - https://gray-harbor.com/scene/2439)
Minerva -- Sun Aug 18, 2019 6:43pm
The late night news for December 5th is that there are two missing children that has thrown a few people in Gray Harbor into a panic. Hannah and Kylie Stewart were last seen with their father leaving the Krampusnacht festivities that were hosted last night. The sisters are known to be close, so they are hoping that they were just separated from their father in the excitement of the festival ending.
If you happen to see either of the girls, please contact your local Search and Rescue team and the Police.
This happens post Krampnacht, so I'll start letting people poke at this tomorrow when I'm on. ❤️
Minerva replied on Wed Aug 21, 2019 5:12pm
The girls were found later in the night. SAR recovered them from Gray Pond. Both were taken to the hospital and both were released the next day.
Maggi -- Tue Aug 20, 2019 5:15pm
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The Ad is posted in Calibri font with certain sections bolded, including contact information
KarmaBum -- Wed Aug 21, 2019 9:00am
The landing page for the Gazette's website and the Sunday print edition headline the arrest of Joshua Foster by Gray Harbor police on the morning of Monday, December 9th. The article notes that Foster voluntarily surrendered to the authorities, who have no official comment regarding the ongoing investigation, but public records and sources close to the DA's office confirm that Foster is being charged in the murders of Karl and Pam Kruger on 9/13/19. Specifically, he's being charged with First Degree Murder (and a bunch of other charges, which basically boil down to: he hired people to kill the Krugers). Further, there are suggestions that the DEA are looking into his past, and there may be more charges yet to be filed.
The story reprints some info from a previous article - https://gray-harbor.com/forum/5/711 - talking about the struggles to open the Grand Olympic Casino. It goes on to note that, with Foster behind bars, the fate of the Casino is now even more uncertain. The article notes that the lawsuit brought by Joseph Pursley was dropped almost immediately following the arrest, which throws the future of the Casino into even more uncertainty. For now, it remains unopened, but speculation suggests that it may go up for public auction if Foster is convicted.
Ignacio -- Thu Aug 22, 2019 8:45am
Questionable Life Advice
By Ignacio de Santos
I did not win the Mystery Box, but I did win one of the raffles. Super excited and I don’t even know what the hell it is. Tried like hell on that Mystery Box and in truth had I won it’d likely sit perfectly sealed up on a shelf trolling you all, so maybe it’s for the best.
It’s the holidays according to the sea of fine print on my calendar and that means we have all sorts of things coming up from Yule to Haunnakah, Christmas in 20 flavors, Kwanzaa, and Saturnalia. December is about sharing and social obligations. I don’t even know how to celebrate half of these but before people lose their minds because there’s two months of Christmas music I’m going to challenge enthusiasts of other stuff to give it an anthem and I will play the hell out of it. So until then, yes, I’m going to listen to some Schoolhouse Rock with my Adam Sandlar and my Jingle Bells. I’m going to be over here at Espresso Yourself with this killer winter drink menu, validate the good deed of the guy that didn’t make me get up to get a napkin (I got you bro), and answer some mail.
Talk to me, Gray Harbor-
Dear Iggy,
I need your help. I'm something of a loner. I've tried to leave my old life behind and find love. Though I've found temporary successes, it's the last one I find perplexing. When we got together it was with the caveat that should we break up, we weren't supposed to communicate anymore. I, believing that this time, this would be the one, whole-heartedly agreed. I'm not in it to play around.
I thought everything was going great. I suppose the one that gets dumped usually does. I'd even turned my back on someone else, someone that was great, for her. But love, well, let's say she didn't feel it for me. It's been months. I've been a good ... well, I did as we agreed. I made no attempts to talk or see, or anything about her. And I assumed the feeling was mutual.
Today I got a package from her. I'm staring at it right now while I'm writing this. It's for Thanksgiving, so I'm pretty sure there's food in it. But I'm also of a mind it may be poisoned. She's breaking her rules and I can't decide if I should throw it away without looking into it or leave it out to let the food spoil or see if the chipmunks'll eat it and if so, if those little bastards will die. Please help,
Hawke, Ian
Dear Hawke-
If you’re writing in you’ve read the column before you already know I’m going to tell you assumptions are the devil’s playground. To survive in this world we have to embrace some things are going to suck, we have every right to establish our own boundaries, and also have to respect those of others. If this crosses over yours you can say something so that they know.
So let’s talk about the unaddressed issue. Now I feel for your situation and have little experience where I was in New York so I did some research and talked to no fewer than 3 experts because you took the time to write, so I’m going to take the time to make sure you get the help you need. It turns out chipmunks live in shallow burrows in the ground. They are partial to areas near rocky crevices, decayed tree trunks, and fence corners. They do not like dense forests where no sunlight reaches the ground. So if you have these around your home you’ll want to address that. Probably not now as it’s cold outside and you don’t want to catch pneumonia. If you do though there’s a new clinic over on Spruce that opened up and I’m sure Doc. Jacob will appreciate the business.
Don't’ kill your chipmunks, you can just get them to move. Sometimes it takes asking the right way to make a behaviour change.
Dear Iggy,
How do you re-gift a fruitcake? I got three of them in
total from three separate people and people keep giving
me these things.How can I humanely get rid of them?
-Too Much Fruitcake
Dear Tutti Fruity,
For one I don’t know that you can humanely do anything with fruitcake. It’s like the holiday version of a horse head in your bed like you angered some sort of gingerbread godfather on this the day of his daughter’s baking. Why would you do this to someone else? Seriously go out into the woods, dig a hole, put it in there, bury it with a shovel, pour holy water on it (whatever your denomination is. Iggy ain’t picky), and pray it doesn’t grow back and return to you on the next full moon.
Unless it’s from the Patisserie Vydal, then whoever gave you that person loves you and you may be mean mugged for it. That stuff fire. Defend that with your life.
Hey Iggy,
So, the other day, I thought that I was gonna die, so I ditched the people
I was with and ran like crazy. I was pretty sure they'd all be dead, but things
weren't really like... Clear? But then I think I saw one of them on the street
later, alive and well.
Now I'm kinda questioning what I saw at all, cause like none of it made any
sense anyways. I'm almost maybe thinking I had some sort of mental
breakdown or something. Like seeing and hearing stuff that didn't exist,
or maybe it was just a crazy dream I had.
Should I feel bad for abandoning those people? Also, Should I get therapy?
I feel like I'm kinda losing my mind...
Lost,
All I can tell you is that you’re not alone. A similar experience left me pretty rekt for a long time. It’s actually the accident that landed me in the hospital repeatedly last 7 years. I have done a lot of bizarre things just trying to cope and I’ll tell you one truth: It just changes what you are feeling. It makes it different, and creates another problem on top of the ones we already have and that hurt my family pretty bad. So absolutely YES on the therapy.
Not because you’re crazy, but because you’re not and that can be hard as hell to cope with. It’s in part why you read me telling people about self-forgiveness because there is little than that which is more difficult to do. You have to make choices to protect yourself, as do they. Thankfully it turned out alright.
Breathe, know you’re not crazy and you are not alone in having stuff like that happen. The world is a big weird place and if you need scientific evidence I will give you the Mantis Shrimp. That’s not a euphemism. It’s not all written down in a book yet. It’s pretty ineffable. Take a deep breath and change what you can. Get some of that control back in your life so running doesn’t feel like the only thing you can do and please be careful.
Dear Ignacio,
My coworker seems to be going through a tough time. We're not close,
and I'm not sure I want to help, exactly. The problem is they're letting
their personal life affect their work, and I have to depend on them doing
their job for my life to go smoothly. I don't want them fired, but I need them
to have their head in the game. How do I approach them without sounding
like a callous monster?
-I Keep Personal Drama At Home
Dear wIKPDAHia,
THis is a really tough one and...wait Thoma if this is you we can explain okay and I’m sorry for the thing with the printer. If it’s not? That thing with the printer had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me.
In the greater scheme of things they might not have someone close to them and feel like you are a safe place or they may be super unaware and self-absorbed either consciously or subconsciously. Either way it’s affecting you and the job and I’d tell them whatever IS bothering them that it is affecting their job and how excellent they can be. It doesn’t have to be an attack but the truth is they are giving the crap that is affecting them power to ruin the things that are going well for not just them but others. Use it as a point of defiance to take back the day and empower them to be productive once more and praise that. Or tell them to take a break to manage one things and come back post PTO.
“Wwhen life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons!”
Dear Iggy,
Longtime reader. LOVE your work. Love the community of awesomeness and respect that you help to cultivate here.
This week, I got to experience a whole lot of kindness and generosity and sheer magnificence of Gray Harbor's community. We raised a TON of money for a worthwhile charity, all because they poured their support into a silly idea and made it more than I imagined it could be. It's easy for me to thank the people who helped get it off its feet: Nicole Stein, my amazing adversary and cohort, who ran with me when I leapt on a ridiculous idea and took off with it; Joey Lee Kelly who not only let us use the gym, but also got everything set up with the charity and did a lot of the community outreach to make the auction such a success; Jaime Lee Kelly for so stoically enduring the ridiculousness done in his name; Garrett Marcus for helping with a lot of the organization and support; and all the staff and volunteers at Kelly's Gym who helped get everything set up and (omg so much worse) cleaned up. You are all wonderful!
My question is this: how can I express my profound gratitude to a whole town full of amazing people who donated their goods and services and time and money, who came out to support this silliness in the middle of their busy holiday season, who made this whole thing way more amazing than I could've ever dreamed and who made me feel so proud to call this weird little town my home? I am in awe.
So Much Love,
Sparrow
Sparrow,
I think you just did, but also?
YOU CAN TELL US WHAT WAS IN THE MYSTERY BOX!
And that is this week in Gray Harbor. I really hope you have a safe week and if you are at the tree lighting or want to stop into the coffee shop to say hey feel free.
In parting wisdom, because this apparently needs to be said: If it’s glowing don’t put it in your mouth.
You’re not totally alone this season. We’ll all get through it together. It’s one of the things this town is super good at.
Happy Holidays,
Iggy out ❤️
Jessica -- Sat Aug 24, 2019 4:38pm
Recently, Joshua Foster, owner of the Grand Olympic Casino, was arrested in connection with the murders of Elise and Karl Kruger at the Sea View Suites. It seems obvious. They were witnesses in an environmental damage case brought by Joseph Pursley. Of course Mr. Foster would want them dead so he could open his casino. Don't be too hasty, gentle readers, things aren't adding up.
Let me start by stating I am not a supporter of Mr. Foster or of the casino itself. Gambling brings out the worst in people. Sure, you'll hear about the jobs it will create and the money being pumped into the city, but you hear a little less about the damage it will cause. Casinos make their money from the big wheelers and dealers. The millionaires who pop in for a few days to blow ridiculous amounts of money while enjoying casino provided blow jobs. Those clients require effort. You have to let them win a little every now and then to keep them coming back. But there is a whole bunch of people that will keep coming regardless of wins and spend every cent they can't afford. The working Joes. Those pursuing the American Dream of becoming rich with no effort. Every day and night they are giving up their food money, their kid's college funds, their jobs, all in the hope that one more roll of the dice or turn of the card will make all their dreams come true. The casinos drawing them deeper and deeper into debt and despair.
Let me put one soapbox away for another. Despite my dislike of what people like Mr. Foster do to the cities they descend on, I do believe in justice, and this is where the case is on less solid ground than a floating casino. Yes, it's obvious that Mr. Foster has a reason to hire someone to kill the Krugers. A bit too obvious though. Mr. Foster has nothing to gain from this and everything to lose. The case was brought up by Mr. Pursley, a man who owns beach front property and has a personal antipathy for Mr. Foster that goes back years. It is rumoured he doesn't even know the difference between a trout and a seagull. I would not go that far, but it seems evident that there are more than environmental concerns that drive Mr. Pursley. Rich people don't like others to do well, especially other rich people they have hated all their lives. Legal experts I have spoken too suggest the case would not have succeeded and this was known to everyone. So why would Mr. Foster need to kill witnesses and draw attention to both the case and himself? It is admirable that Judge Shaw wished to continue to hear the case despite the disinterest of environmental agencies, but it was not expected to succeed. And let us not forget that the case was dropped by Mr. Pursley as soon as Mr. Foster was arrested. It seems Mr. Pursley was content with the result regardless of what happens to the trout.
Let us also not forget the attacks against the casino by groups of thugs. Why would Mr. Foster attack his pride and joy? Were these thugs environmental activists who felt it was their duty to Mother Earth to protect the trout? Nope. They were the kind of 'thugs for hire' so enamoured of local criminal groups. As were those who actually murdered the Krugers. So what happens now? A floating casino, close to completion, and its owner probably ruined, with no environmental case against it. I would suggest to our forthright Gray Harbor Police Department and Assistant D.A. Bennet, that they concentrate their investigation less on the current owner of the casino and more on who decides to buy it at a fire sale price.
I could be wrong of course. Our secretive and opaque police force may have the perfect proof they are not sharing. Proof not based on the word of criminals who have made a career out of supplying whatever is needed.
Jessica Flores, Gray Harbor Gazette
August -- Sat Aug 24, 2019 7:15pm
It looks like the Hammond Tree Farm isn't the only place getting a visit from local wild life; reports are coming in of a bear wandering into Addington Park and chasing park goers! The Parks Service has assured everyone this was a rare occurrence and encourages park-goers to keep up with their holiday fun. They'll trap the bear and relocate it promptly.
If you should encounter the bear, don't approach it. Drop any food or food-smelling items you may have on you and move away. If you're able to, call the Gray Harbor PD and the Parks Service.
Stay safe out there!
Isabella -- Sat Aug 24, 2019 8:21pm
Stuffed in one of the inner pages of the Sunday morning edition of the Gazette is a small article about multiple code blues in Addington Memorial caused by what is apparently a few cases of....rabies?
Beyond a few patients, however, it doesn't seem to have spread, crediting the hard work of Drs. Nathan Bowman, Tillie Harlow, Jacob Winters and the talented nursing staff (Abby Reed and Lalo Martinez get a mention).
Unfortunately not all of the affected patients got out unscathed - three had died in the attempts to revive them. But what is most curious about all six patients is that their circumstances were similar. Namely, they were recent transplant organ recipients, and allegedly from the same donor: James Carmichael, who had died in a car accident over a week ago.
KarmaBum -- Wed Aug 28, 2019 6:22pm
On the digital edition, the Gazette runs a story talking about a massive cold-front heading toward the Pacific Northwest. The paper predicts a near-record 8-10 inches of snow will fall on the 21st, to be followed by 1-2 inches on the 22nd, and then flurries through the evening of the 25th.
More info about the snowstorm will be posted in the morning to the Plots & Stories forum.
Ignacio -- Thu Aug 29, 2019 4:54pm
Questionable Advice Column
- Ignacio deSantos
I’d start by being in the spirit and saying HO, Ho, Ho burt we don’t say ‘ho’ cause ho is disrespectful, yo. Welcome one again where I remind you I’m not licenced nor qualified to give advice; I’m just paid to. And being the Christmas-Haunnakah-pre-Kwanzaa season is upon us and like I told my amigo that means: Food! Food! Food! I’m kind of grateful the season is winding down. I have a love/hate relationship with the waiting and a guy can only deal with gift foreplay for so long before one loses hope anything is going to happen, ever, and we wander off to play Diablo on X-box. Trust me after listening to holiday music for 2 months straight it’s cathartic to hit stuff without hurting anyone’s feelings. 10/10 would recommend.
Now the weather’s getting pretty ugly so I give you this: My favorite gift this season is opening letters from all of you. So I advise you to get some food, and find some friends and hunker down and make the most of this time. Also if you have any extra cookies left over I’m usually at the Espresso Yourself by 1 most days. Let’s check in with all of you:
Iggy Iggy Iggy,
Can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me.
And you don't know my flashy ways, but I've got problems to help
you get paid. I get the party started every Saturday night, everybody's
waiting for me to arrive. I book all the tables for all of my friends, we go
hard and have fun till Sunday ends. And I've got lots of style, but oh,
here's the thing: I never see them unless we go partying!
But seriously, what do I do when I only have friends who want to see me
on weekends to party? I'm more than my fly moves and karaoke skills!
Why does no one ever invite me out for coffee or clothes shopping?
-Alone Till the Weekend
Dear Weekender,
Thank you for helping me pay my rent, first and foremost. Makes me a big fan of yours. Next, those aren’t friends those are clients. SO you can do a couple things here: one, become deceptively very uninteresting. I recommend only reciting facts about the honey bee for a while. Not only is it educational but you can enlighten the many to the many dangers an important part of our ecosystem faces and troll the hell out of them.
Plan B: Invite them to things. Blahblahblah communication which I say all the time but consider in a noisy really social area? It’s the worst place to learn about people’s out of party setting interests next to being in the back of a Camaro. Those are not the type of interests we’re talking here, but let’s not depreciate the value of those either. I just don’t think it’ll help with this situation.
Dear Iggy,
What do you get your person you enjoy spending a lot of time with
A) Other than enticing naughty things, B) when they don't really seem
to have an attachment to things in general? and C) You already spend
a lot of time with them so gifting them MORE time seems redundant?
Sincerely,
Asking for a friend.
Dear Totally-Real-Friend-From-Canada,
Legos.
That is all.
If they don’t like Legos I dunno if they can be helped. They are literally the building blocks of society. They have those for dinos, race cars, and don’t overlook the space sets. They also literally have scores of fandom sets like Star Wars and Harry Potter and stuff. Still some time left. If you need to know where to get the best deals look for a pizza guy running around town.
Hey there Ignacio!
So, here's the deal: this town is crazygonuts bananas with a side of sentient cannibalistic fries, right? I mean, I think we all know that, even if most of us try not to thing about it too much for the sake of at least appearing to be sane. Well, most of us, anyway- I'm not so good at keeping chill when the proverbial feces hit the proverbial fan. I see something, I say something. Usually something along the lines of 'omgwtfbbq',
Now, against all sense, logic, and reason, I've somehow ended up with a girlfriend, which I'm pretty sure is a sign of the apocalypse. And I want to apologize to everyone for bringing said apocalypse about, but she is wonderful and amazing and drop-dead gorgeous and holy carp is she smart. I plan to enjoy this particular glitch in the matrix as long as I can before it all inevitably crashes and burns, likely taking half the town out with it. Unlike me, she approaches all this high weirdness with a sense of wonder and delight. I feel like she's the fearless explorer into the unknown and I'm the primitive local terrified of my people's legends and myths,
My question is: how do I deal with that? She reacts to things that fill my mind with boundless and unnameable horror, with a smile and a curious, brilliant mind. She walks confidently into a world that terrifies me, and I want to walk beside her- but I also want to protect her from all harm and build a bunker out of adamantium and pure spite to keep this town's madness at bay. Help!
-Lost, but Lucky
So Lucky, so Lost,
Uhhh yeah wrestling with this one myself. What I can tell you is what someone most important in my life told me: It’s going to be scary and without things being weird life is still scary, uncertain, complicated, and messy. Now, friend, we can be scared or focus on the really cool news that you have someone who is fearless to have your back. Like I always say, candidates for a good lifemate will be the ones that will help get you through the zombie apocalypse, not just be a liability in it. You can find good sex anywhere, and sometimes for a pretty reasonable pricetag so I’m told. (My editor also insists I point out that prostitution is illegal, but if I go into a rant about occupational shaming with him I’ll never get home for the holidays.) So yeah, This fearless thing? This is good so long as there’s a plan. There’s fearless and then there’s heedless. Think. Make a plan. Tackle the plan together. It’s kinda a neat idea for a date night.
Congrats. Don’t die.
Dear Iggy,
My mom turned this holiday season into a dramabomb and
I want to scream. My brother and his wife are separating. How did I
find out? The traditional way, by SMS while I was in North Carolina
with my gf for TG. Cue enormous SMS storm. It's a miracle I didn't
mistext one of them. My mom wants to disown my brother, says he's
ruined christmas, she'll never not think of my sister-in-law as a daughter,
blah blah blah. My brother is being pretty reasonable about it, all in all,
said they'll be co-parenting my nieces.
How do I handle this. How do I tell
my mom to chill out. I did not expect to spend my holiday season playing
referee and I'm not really equipped for it anyways.
-Christmas at Ground Zero
Dear Zero-G,
I found gin is a fantastic solution to this. Also did you know, fun fact if you have been following along this summer you may have noticed, you are welcome to hold your parents accountable. Also, ya know, kudos to you for trying to mediate this. I’ve been trying to moderate dad getting up in my brother’s business for a lifetime so if it hits a wall? Tell mom you’re not participating or inviting her until she grows the hell up. Good Lord it’s the holiday ffs. Tell her you can’t allow her to carry on like this because she raised you better than that. Fantastic ammo and it will disarm with complement and give them credit for healthy behavior while holding them accountable.
Where your Brother/In-law (Sister-out-law?!) is concerned? Reach out and say hey that sucks, I feel for ya, and maybe just focus on the nieces until the grown ups actually grow up. If that doesn’t work? Well hell mail me back and I’ll buy you and your GF a round at 2 if By Sea where people go for tater tots that taste like the halls can go get decked a while. So if that doesn’t work and you have to endure the Waaaahnado from mom causing problems I provide you with a little gem I like to call:
THE RESOLUTION
Ingredients
2 oz gin
.5 oz simple syrup
.5 oz lemon juice
1 sprig rosemary
Instructions
Combine all ingredients into a shaker. Shake, then double strain into large coupe glass. Top with champagne. Garnish with rosemary sprig so you have something to throw at your mother later. Enjoy!
That’s wrapping my column this week. I’d love to hear back from you all about how your holiday went and what you’re hoping to do with your New Year’s resolution. Enjoy the snow and bundle up. It’s not the cold that gets you, it’s the damp. Be smart.
Happy Holidays
Iggy Out ❤️
Thewlis -- Fri Aug 30, 2019 9:59pm
By Addison Caldwell
Most people look to Elm Street and Huckleberry Trailer Park beyond with suspicion, derision, or outright fear. They think that only degenerates, the destitute by drugs, ne'er do wells and other people of ill repute populate the park. The Gazette was contacted and decided to investigate - expecting to see wanton drug and alcohol abuse, or a sight out of Caligula itself. 'Same ol', same ol' some people would say.
Today on Christmas, we witnessed an entire community laughing and spending time with one another at the home of Thewlis Moore, identified as the caretaker and gravedigger for the Gardens of Eternal Rest. Much of Elm Street and all of Huckleberry seemed to visit his home, if only to receive a candy bag, a drink, and a plate of fresh home made Jamaican and Costa Rican faire, including cuts from a 200lb pig being spit roasted outside the home. No specific denomination was favored, and cries expressing Happy Holidays, Hanukkah, and Merry Christmas were being regularly made as toasts with both soft and hard drinks being given to anyone, of age, who wanted them. This reporter and their photographer enjoyed a plate and a few drinks when we came closer.
No one was turned away, poor, homeless, affluent or otherwise, no one was looked down on and the hosts, the afore mentioned Thewlis Moore and a young woman revealed to be named Jade Rivera, (whose family prepared the food and 'staffed' the event) A picture of Thewlis handing a bag to Hera while Jade is laughing at something out of frame made sure that everyone, that they could get to, was greeted, given a candy favor bag, and even sent myself and my photographer home with enough that we'll be eating leftovers for days.
Sometimes fantasy becomes reality. A heartwarming scene. A holiday miracle?