2019-03-18 - l e a v e

You want to leave?

You want to curl up in the smallest ball possible when he slips out of bed and up the stairs, quiet as a ghost. You want to be the warmth and the sunshine, but you can't be, because you never have been. So you want to fold in on yourself until you become some sort of quantum singularity, some dark thing whose gravity will keep him in orbit. You want to stop thinking about the word orbit, his word, but you can't do that.

You want to leave.

Do you want to know what he's doing right now? You're a smart girl, Emmyem, take some educated guesses. Drinking? Chewing pills? Hoping to see a ghost? Holding a knife to his throat over the kitchen sink? Feeling sick to his stomach. Wishing you would leave. Wishing he had the strength of will left in him to tell you to leave. But he doesn't, because you took that away from him. If you stay here, I'm going to send you roses tomorrow. Do you like the roses? Do you want to be here when they get here, and he can help you paint the roses red, blood blood red?

You need to leave.

Because you know who he chose. Did you love him then? Do you love him now? Really? Or do you just want something from him. Maybe you loved him, but you loved me more. Maybe he loves you, but he still loves me more. So now you're all that's left. He fucked you because he hadn't had sex in a year. You were there, and you were willing, and he was hard, and that's all it was, and now it's over, and he's over you. You're not going to save him. He's going to come back to bed, and he's going to put his arms around you and think about me, and he's not going to look you in the eyes tomorrow, and you're going to crumble into yourself and pretend your silence is profound but it's not, it's just empty, because you're empty, you're not insane, you're just a bitch who fucked her sister's husband.

You
have
to
leave.

But you're not going to, are you? Why? Because you told him you wouldn't? Because you're afraid to. If you leave, he's going to open his throat, Emmyem, if he opens his throat, he'll be mine again, and there won't be anything left of you, and you'll be mine again, too. So just leave.

Just leave so we can all be together again.