2019-04-03 - These Tears Are Not For You

The park is practically deserted at night, making it a quiet refuge to slip away and think. Violet takes a tangerine from the bowl in the kitchen before she heads out, pressing it up to her nose to breath in the scent of citrus. She's turned her phone off for the evening; there'd be no more texts. Not that she thinks he'll try to reach out again. Not after that. She peels the fruit as she walks, tucking the orange shells into the deep pocket of her woolen coat to throw away later. She tries to empty her mind as she walks past darkened shops, beneath the dim glow of the lamp lights that line the sidewalk. She doesn't want to think about him. Not anymore. But the thoughts slip through the cracks, filtering through the walls she's gotten so good at building. The warmth of his touch, the linger of his lips. Hands on her hands, hands on the buttons of her blouse, the way he glowed in the moonlight of the bay. Quiet Spanish poetry whispered across Disney princess puzzle pieces. His eyes when they met hers. Those eyes that she thought truly saw her.

This conversation is worrisome to me. You're not going to like it. We need to stop.

Alice told her once not to put her trust in people. They had each other, and that's all that mattered. No one else would understand. No one else would see. It didn't matter what you were trying to do. It didn't matter if you were trying to protect them, trying to keep them safe. She believed Alice until she met Alex. She kept her head down, she trusted no one, no matter how shiney they were. They wouldn't understand.

But she thought he saw her. He said he saw her.

The monkeys chatter in their cages as she approaches. Her eyes blur as she pushes the fruit through the wires, letting them fall into the tiny and waiting claws. By the time she was out of wedges, the tears were falling freely. <<Vi?>> The voice that connects through makes her sob aloud, and she's glad that she's alone out here. Even if she was not alone inside. <<Vi, I can.. are you okay? Are you crying?>> She was projecting. She hadn't meant to. <<Vi, don't. I'm okay. You don't have to cry for me. It was just.. just a bad day. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to feel it too.>>

Violet turns from the cages, sinks to the ground. She didn't want to go back to the shop, to the loft he promised to come see. <<It's okay, Alice. It's not you, you're okay. These tears aren't for you, I promise.>> It wasn't a lie. But she doesn't let anything else in. Not tonight.

She just sinks forward towards her knees, and puts her face in her hands. And she cries.