2019-07-05 - Shake It Off

Andre doesn't come until Graham gives the signal; he's conspicuously inconspicuous in the stairwell of the apartment building but at least nobody except criminals takes the stairs seven floors up. He fidgets with his phone, very careful to brush his thumb against the screen just like Hannah taught him, because Felix said if he broke another one, he'd break Andre's thumbs and Andre likes his thumbs. Hannah stored all his songs in the phone the other day and showed him how to use it. She said nobody actually has a Walkman anymore, but Andre sort of misses his. Sure, he had to duct-tape the lid so it would stay shut and if he moved too fast, it would skip a song, but he'd been carrying it for years now. Hannah-Banana was probably right though. Besides, he had so much more room for stuff in the pockets of his Cargo pants now that he didn't have to carry around a half dozen CDs.

Andre's too occupied queuing up his song choice to hear the knocks on the door. Graham pokes his head into the stairwell and gives him that 'what the fuck, dude?' sort of look but pairs it with a big smile. "Sorry G. I'm coming," he eases off the wall, picks up his aluminium baseball bat, and slings it over his shoulder. When he passes by Graham, he pats the man on the shoulder. Graham is good people, Andre really likes it when they hang out - but there's a part of him that wishes they could grab cheeseburgers without having to smash up people's apartments beforehand.

Still, a job is a job is a job.

There's no one in the hallway except him and Graham. The door to apartment 702 lay wide open. "Aw, man! You didn't even have to kick it down this time," Andre says enthusiastically to Graham, and then remembers that he needs to be quiet; his beady black eyes get big and he puts his finger to his lips to shush himself. Hannah might've done her magic on the security system and the cameras, but quiet was the best policy. When he steps inside the apartment, Graham swings the door shut. G will stay out there, playing look-out; they're both dressed up like bug guys, but Andre thought that was a little overboard. After all, he's seen enough Marvel movies to know that a simple baseball cap is the perfect disguise. Besides, Graham also knows how to stand really still, so he'll be practically invisible.

The door clicks shut, leaving Andre alone. But not alone for long. He shifts the bat over his shoulder and takes out a pair of earbuds. They are a little too small for his ears, so he really has to shove them in there, but once they're in? He takes out his phone, swipes to his music, and Taylor Swift comes crooning into his ear.

I stay out too late, got nothin' in my brain
That's what people say, mmm hmm, that's what people say, mmm hmm
I go on too many dates, but I can't make 'em stay
At least that's what people say mmm mmm, that's what people say mmm mmm

Andre, of course, can't stop won't stop moving, and he moonwalks over to the first nice thing that he sees. Though, Andre's moonwalk is more of a backwards dragging of his feet as well as some jerky movements of his shoulders, but he gets there. And as the players gonna players gonna play, play, play, play, play, Andre sends the bat whipping through the air to smash into the giant TV. The glass shatters and the television rips off the wall, exploding as it hits the floor. And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate as Andre swings the bat into an expensive-looking light fixture, giggling to himself as he sends the lampshade flying through the air to take out a few pictures on the mantle; they fall with several satisfying crunches and Andre does the rest, jumping on the frames like he's playing a game of leapfrog as he makes his way through the room.

And Andre shake, shake, shake, shake, shakes his way into the study, caving in the roll top desk and smashing through a glass display containing several antiques. Those get a good beating, turning at least a few into dust. There's a vintage globe that he rips his way through next, breaking the world asunder. Inside are numerous bottles of high-priced liquor, which smash and leak into the floor. Andre shakes it off into the bedroom next, tossing the bat aside so he can up-end drawers and tear apart clothes. He checks a pair of Italian leather loafers to size them up to his own feet, but they looked like dwarf shoes to his own gigantic feet; he tosses them, and all the others, into the bathtub and turns on the water. Eventually, the tub will overfill, and so will the sink because he stops that and turns that one on, too.

Then it's into the kitchen, where he pulls out the dishes and -

Hey, hey, hey
Just think while you've been getting down and out about the liars and the dirty, dirty cheats in the world
You could have been getting down to this sick beat

He mouths the words to the chant as he tosses plates and crystal glasses onto the tile, rips the door off the fridge and drops a pitcher of orange juice onto the floor (after he takes a few big gulps, of course). And as Taylor Swift tells him Won't you come on over baby, he moves his hips vigorously left and right to shake, shake, shake, oh yeah.

Then he skips through the rest of the house, wrapping up the song with enthusiastic bat work. It's amazing just how much damage one can do in approximately 4 minutes. And as the song flows into I Know You Were Trouble, Andre's work is done. He opens the patio doors, steps out onto the balcony overlooking the bay, and swings the bat over the wrought iron. It flips madly through the air towards the ocean, but it probably won't make it all the way out to sea. Andre doesn't take the time to see where the bat lands though. He just flips the collar on his overalls, and goes to take a piss on this dude's sofa cushions. By the time he's finished, the apartment is ruined and reeks of urine.

He taps quietly on the door. One-two-three, just like Graham told him. The door opens, and Andre shows stunningly white teeth to Graham with a too-wide smile. "Off we go, G?" he says, and Graham confirms. Off they go.

Their work here is done.