Questionable Advice Column
By Ignacio deSantos

Before I go on I’m informed by my editor that I am legally obligated to apologize to our readers for explaining how to weaponize candy corn in our last publication.

Beyond that? Well the week went by pretty much how I thought it would. It’s been one of those times I can feel my life turning into a Paul Rudd dramady. With Thanksgiving coming up and a lot of big life choices for me and many of us really I want to let you know I’m actually pretty grateful for all you.

Writing started out as therapy for me after I woke up in the hospital after losing more than a leg. (see my book ‘Swimming for Sharks’ on Amazon). It was a way for me to reach out from the hospital and get my anger out. Since moving out here when Jessica suggested this project (Wooo shoutout, girl!) it’s become a way to reach out. Won’t lie, this week was harrowing for me, but going through these letters I realized something that A- we are not alone and we all got things bugging us. B- maybe even if I can’t fix my issues we can still make some effort fixing yours. Sometimes life’s a team building exercise.

Yeah yeah I sound like a Pixar film film and a Hallmark card had a one night stand that writes for the press now. I get it. Let’s see what’s going on in Gray Harbor this week yeah?

Dear Iggy,
Pretty sure my dreams are going to eat me
and everybody I love. How do I make that not happen?
Cuz I want that not to happen.
Really really want that not to happen. Thanks!
--Nommed By Dreams

Dear NomNom,
Step one: If you’re fooling around with food stuffs before bed, shower first. I mean that's just good for hygiene full stop, however, if we’re talking literally you don’t want to advertise as an accidental dessert.

Step two: Sometimes we have to make peace with the fact that sometimes, real, asleep, or between sometimes things will not be in our control. Sometimes it’s a serial killer in the city, or angry spirits, or trees. Trees is a new one but I heard some people talking stuff about Spruce Springsteen getting his pinecones in an uproar, or even a rogue phone pole that jumps out in front of our car, or wet leaves on sand. It’s important to realize that there are always going to be dangers.

We can either get paranoid, stop having friends, and never leave the house which really only reduces the issue by 30% because this is Gray harbor, or teach ourselves to be ready to respond. Trust me, I get it, I can’t run and walking is a labor of love. Fighting? Eh forget what the movies say about coming from NYC. I am intimately familiar with feeling helpless but we can always take a deep breath, assess and ask ourselves what **can* I do?* Life is taking a risk, and is not a guarantee, but you might surprise yourself. With practice, Nom, you can get better at figuring out what works for you, and them.

You’re not alone. You’re not crazy.

Dear Iggy,
Friendzones. Are they even really a thing?
Can't you just be... Not interested? And what if you
really like a friend but you're just too shy to tell them
you're into them? if they think you friendzoned them
can you really take them out?
--Signed, A Certain Furry Pokemon

Deer Peek-at-Choo,
I love pokemon. I don’t know about you but my favourite is still Oddish. Lil onion chillin in the dirt, and then make you take a dirt nap if you try to turn him into guac. Notice there’s no tomato or avocado pokemon. Don’t mess with the mighty chubby onion! Sadly, they are not real and neither is the ‘Friendzone’ unless you’re talking social mediawise.

The friendzone is a construct make by some BS dudes with ‘tudes that think being nice entitles people to let them into their pants. Like I said in my racing days ‘compliment my car all you want, but it don’t mean I’m taking you for a ride’. YOU are the driver here. If you are driving then you are not required to give pedestrians a ride. Picking up hitchhikers is generally cautioned against, and a hitchhiker trying to demand you do so is honestly setting themselves up to be run over.

IF you are shy it’s hard. We don’t want to lose what we have but sometimes wonder if it can be more. It’s scary. We have to deconstruct what is scary to make the ‘scary’ stop. Sometimes that means taking a zombie apart with a trowel, and sometimes that is telling a friend, ‘Hey, no pressure but have you ever wondered about us, ya know, going out out sometime?’ and just accepting the answer. It may not be a good time for them. They maybe shy and not knowing how to ask, but if they are worth dating you’re going to need to be able to trust them. Think of it as their test and you are interviewing them for auditioning to be your SO. Remembering YOU are in control of what you agree to can help.

Dear Iggy,
Is it morally wrong to want to try and obtain
more of a drug because of the mind-blowing
sex you had while your SO was on it?
--Signed, Sleepless (in a good way) in Seattle

Sleepy,
Wait...did I just write myself again?! I am a recovering so some days I wake up to weird things and I gotta ask. Soooo, yeah dicey situation here because one should not try to dose your SO. That’s like not ‘morally wrong’, Sleeps, I’m pretty sure that’s straight up illegal. NOW, I’m all for starting a dialog, but I’d definitely check and see if it’s long-term harmful to them, etc. Fantastic sex or no it’s better to do cross-country than a sprint and be bereft of an SO. I’m guessing you may want them around for a while.

Now if it’s that crazy tree sap?! (If it is you know what I’m talking about!) Holy CRAP. I’m going to go with a hard yes (pun intended), but like don’t tie your SO to a tree. Seriously, safe sex is important and they deserve to be able to spell their name should they so choose, but in the end? It’s their call and if we love them we should always put their wishes and well-being first, and respect their choices over our amusement. Also if you find that tree sap call me. Asking for a friend.

Dear Iggy,
How was New York? I wanted to ask before I go
What’s the difference between NY Style Pizza
and Chicago pizza?
--Globetrotter

Dear Globes,
First of you feed NY pie to someone you like. It’s got a fantastic balance of all that’s good in the world. Hot, cold, folded in half? It loves you and it tastes like you are important to the world. Chicao deep dish is a damn cheese quiche made by some plebian that thinks bread, cheese, and sauce do a pizza make. You can’t just throw sauce and cheese on a throw pillow made of pure carbs. That’s not what love tastes like, that’s what deception taste like.

NYC All the way, baby
And thank you for your important cultural question. Super glad you asked. <3 <3 <3

That’s it for this week. Keep the questions coming in. We are all in this together, and frankly without being to ride the carousel in Addington Park this is what I have to entertain myself.

Stay classy, Gray Harbor.

Iggs out.