2019-08-22 - Dear Iggy #6 -- (Winter)

Questionable Life Advice
By Ignacio de Santos

I did not win the Mystery Box, but I did win one of the raffles. Super excited and I don’t even know what the hell it is. Tried like hell on that Mystery Box and in truth had I won it’d likely sit perfectly sealed up on a shelf trolling you all, so maybe it’s for the best.

It’s the holidays according to the sea of fine print on my calendar and that means we have all sorts of things coming up from Yule to Haunnakah, Christmas in 20 flavors, Kwanzaa, and Saturnalia. December is about sharing and social obligations. I don’t even know how to celebrate half of these but before people lose their minds because there’s two months of Christmas music I’m going to challenge enthusiasts of other stuff to give it an anthem and I will play the hell out of it. So until then, yes, I’m going to listen to some Schoolhouse Rock with my Adam Sandlar and my Jingle Bells. I’m going to be over here at Espresso Yourself with this killer winter drink menu, validate the good deed of the guy that didn’t make me get up to get a napkin (I got you bro), and answer some mail.

Talk to me, Gray Harbor-

Dear Iggy,
I need your help. I'm something of a loner. I've tried to leave my old life behind and find love. Though I've found temporary successes, it's the last one I find perplexing. When we got together it was with the caveat that should we break up, we weren't supposed to communicate anymore. I, believing that this time, this would be the one, whole-heartedly agreed. I'm not in it to play around.

I thought everything was going great. I suppose the one that gets dumped usually does. I'd even turned my back on someone else, someone that was great, for her. But love, well, let's say she didn't feel it for me. It's been months. I've been a good ... well, I did as we agreed. I made no attempts to talk or see, or anything about her. And I assumed the feeling was mutual.

Today I got a package from her. I'm staring at it right now while I'm writing this. It's for Thanksgiving, so I'm pretty sure there's food in it. But I'm also of a mind it may be poisoned. She's breaking her rules and I can't decide if I should throw it away without looking into it or leave it out to let the food spoil or see if the chipmunks'll eat it and if so, if those little bastards will die. Please help,
Hawke, Ian

Dear Hawke-

If you’re writing in you’ve read the column before you already know I’m going to tell you assumptions are the devil’s playground. To survive in this world we have to embrace some things are going to suck, we have every right to establish our own boundaries, and also have to respect those of others. If this crosses over yours you can say something so that they know.

So let’s talk about the unaddressed issue. Now I feel for your situation and have little experience where I was in New York so I did some research and talked to no fewer than 3 experts because you took the time to write, so I’m going to take the time to make sure you get the help you need. It turns out chipmunks live in shallow burrows in the ground. They are partial to areas near rocky crevices, decayed tree trunks, and fence corners. They do not like dense forests where no sunlight reaches the ground. So if you have these around your home you’ll want to address that. Probably not now as it’s cold outside and you don’t want to catch pneumonia. If you do though there’s a new clinic over on Spruce that opened up and I’m sure Doc. Jacob will appreciate the business.

Don't’ kill your chipmunks, you can just get them to move. Sometimes it takes asking the right way to make a behaviour change.

Dear Iggy,
How do you regift a fruitcake? I got three of them in
total from three separate people and people keep giving
me these things.How can I humanely get rid of them?
-Too Much Fruitcake

Dear Tutti Fruity,
For one I don’t know that you can humanely do anything with fruitcake. It’s like the holiday version of a horse head in your bed like you angered some sort of gingerbread godfather on this the day of his daughter’s baking. Why would you do this to someone else? Seriously go out into the woods, dig a hole, put it in there, bury it with a shovel, pour holy water on it (whatever your denomination is. Iggy ain’t picky), and pray it doesn’t grow back and return to you on the next full moon.

Unless it’s from the Patisserie Vydal, then whoever gave you that person loves you and you may be mean mugged for it. That stuff fire. Defend that with your life.

Hey Iggy,
So, the other day, I thought that I was gonna die, so I ditched the people
I was with and ran like crazy. I was pretty sure they'd all be dead, but things
weren't really like... Clear? But then I think I saw one of them on the street
later, alive and well.

Now I'm kinda questioning what I saw at all, cause like none of it made any
sense anyways. I'm almost maybe thinking I had some sort of mental
breakdown or something. Like seeing and hearing stuff that didn't exist,
or maybe it was just a crazy dream I had.
Should I feel bad for abandoning those people? Also, Should I get therapy?
I feel like I'm kinda losing my mind...

Lost,
All I can tell you is that you’re not alone. A similar experience left me pretty rekt for a long time. It’s actually the accident that landed me in the hospital repeatedly last 7 years. I have done a lot of bizarre things just trying to cope and I’ll tell you one truth: It just changes what you are feeling. It makes it different, and creates another problem on top of the ones we already have and that hurt my family pretty bad. So absolutely YES on the therapy.

Not because you’re crazy, but because you’re not and that can be hard as hell to cope with. It’s in part why you read me telling people about self-forgiveness because there is little than that which is more difficult to do. You have to make choices to protect yourself, as do they. Thankfully it turned out alright.

Breathe, know you’re not crazy and you are not alone in having stuff like that happen. The world is a big weird place and if you need scientific evidence I will give you the Mantis Shrimp. That’s not a euphemism. It’s not all written down in a book yet. It’s pretty ineffable. Take a deep breath and change what you can. Get some of that control back in your life so running doesn’t feel like the only thing you can do and please be careful.

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Dear Ignacio,
My coworker seems to be going through a tough time. We're not close,
and I'm not sure I want to help, exactly. The problem is they're letting
their personal life affect their work, and I have to depend on them doing
their job for my life to go smoothly. I don't want them fired, but I need them
to have their head in the game. How do I approach them without sounding
like a callous monster?
-I Keep Personal Drama At Home

Dear wIKPDAHia,
THis is a really tough one and...wait Thoma if this is you we can explain okay and I’m sorry for the thing with the printer. If it’s not? That thing with the printer had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me.

In the greater scheme of things they might not have someone close to them and feel like you are a safe place or they may be super unaware and self-absorbed either consciously or subconsciously. Either way it’s affecting you and the job and I’d tell them whatever IS bothering them that it is affecting their job and how excellent they can be. It doesn’t have to be an attack but the truth is they are giving the crap that is affecting them power to ruin the things that are going well for not just them but others. Use it as a point of defiance to take back the day and empower them to be productive once more and praise that. Or tell them to take a break to manage one things and come back post PTO.

“When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons!”

Dear Iggy,

Longtime reader. LOVE your work. Love the community of awesomeness and respect that you help to cultivate here.

This week, I got to experience a whole lot of kindness and generosity and sheer magnificence of Gray Harbor's community. We raised a TON of money for a worthwhile charity, all because they poured their support into a silly idea and made it more than I imagined it could be. It's easy for me to thank the people who helped get it off its feet: Nicole Stein, my amazing adversary and cohort, who ran with me when I leapt on a ridiculous idea and took off with it; Joey Lee Kelly who not only let us use the gym, but also got everything set up with the charity and did a lot of the community outreach to make the auction such a success; Jaime Lee Kelly for so stoically enduring the ridiculousness done in his name; Garrett Marcus for helping with a lot of the organization and support; and all the staff and volunteers at Kelly's Gym who helped get everything set up and (omg so much worse) cleaned up. You are all wonderful!

My question is this: how can I express my profound gratitude to a whole town full of amazing people who donated their goods and services and time and money, who came out to support this silliness in the middle of their busy holiday season, who made this whole thing way more amazing than I could've ever dreamed and who made me feel so proud to call this weird little town my home? I am in awe.
So Much Love,
Sparrow

Sparrow,
I think you just did, but also?
YOU CAN TELL US WHAT WAS IN THE MYSTERY BOX!

And that is this week in Gray Harbor. I really hope you have a safe week and if you are at the tree lighting or want to stop into the coffee shop to say hey feel free.

In parting wisdom, because this apparently needs to be said: If it’s glowing don’t put it in your mouth.

You’re not totally alone this season. We’ll all get through it together. It’s one of the things this town is super good at.

Happy Holidays,
Iggy out <3