2019-08-29 - Dear Iggy #7 -- (X-Mas)

Questionable Advice Column
- Ignacio deSantos

I’d start by being in the spirit and saying HO, Ho, Ho burt we don’t say ‘ho’ cause ho is disrespectful, yo. Welcome one again where I remind you I’m not licenced nor qualified to give advice; I’m just paid to. And being the Christmas-Haunnakah-pre-Kwanzaa season is upon us and like I told my amigo that means: Food! Food! Food! I’m kind of grateful the season is winding down. I have a love/hate relationship with the waiting and a guy can only deal with gift foreplay for so long before one loses hope anything is going to happen, ever, and we wander off to play Diablo on X-box. Trust me after listening to holiday music for 2 months straight it’s cathartic to hit stuff without hurting anyone’s feelings. 10/10 would recommend.

Now the weather’s getting pretty ugly so I give you this: My favorite gift this season is opening letters from all of you. So I advise you to get some food, and find some friends and hunker down and make the most of this time. Also if you have any extra cookies left over I’m usually at the Espresso Yourself by 1 most days. Let’s check in with all of you:

Iggy Iggy Iggy,
Can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me.
And you don't know my flashy ways, but I've got problems to help
you get paid. I get the party started every Saturday night, everybody's
waiting for me to arrive. I book all the tables for all of my friends, we go
hard and have fun till Sunday ends. And I've got lots of style, but oh,
here's the thing: I never see them unless we go partying!
But seriously, what do I do when I only have friends who want to see me
on weekends to party? I'm more than my fly moves and karaoke skills!
Why does no one ever invite me out for coffee or clothes shopping?
-Alone Till the Weekend

Dear Weekender,
Thank you for helping me pay my rent, first and foremost. Makes me a big fan of yours. Next, those aren’t friends those are clients. SO you can do a couple things here: one, become deceptively very uninteresting. I recommend only reciting facts about the honey bee for a while. Not only is it educational but you can enlighten the many to the many dangers an important part of our ecosystem faces and troll the hell out of them.

Plan B: Invite them to things. Blahblahblah communication which I say all the time but consider in a noisy really social area? It’s the worst place to learn about people’s out of party setting interests next to being in the back of a Camaro. Those are not the type of interests we’re talking here, but let’s not depreciate the value of those either. I just don’t think it’ll help with this situation.

Dear Iggy,
What do you get your person you enjoy spending a lot of time with
A) Other than enticing naughty things, B) when they don't really seem
to have an attachment to things in general? and C) You already spend
a lot of time with them so gifting them MORE time seems redundant?
Sincerely,
Asking for a friend.

Dear Totally-Real-Friend-From-Canada,

Legos.
That is all.

If they don’t like Legos I dunno if they can be helped. They are literally the building blocks of society. They have those for dinos, race cars, and don’t overlook the space sets. They also literally have scores of fandom sets like Star Wars and Harry Potter and stuff. Still some time left. If you need to know where to get the best deals look for a pizza guy running around town.

Hey there Ignacio!

So, here's the deal: this town is crazygonuts bananas with a side of sentient cannibalistic fries, right? I mean, I think we all know that, even if most of us try not to thing about it too much for the sake of at least appearing to be sane. Well, most of us, anyway- I'm not so good at keeping chill when the proverbial feces hit the proverbial fan. I see something, I say something. Usually something along the lines of 'omgwtfbbq',

Now, against all sense, logic, and reason, I've somehow ended up with a girlfriend, which I'm pretty sure is a sign of the apocalypse. And I want to apologize to everyone for bringing said apocalypse about, but she is wonderful and amazing and drop-dead gorgeous and holy carp is she smart. I plan to enjoy this particular glitch in the matrix as long as I can before it all inevitably crashes and burns, likely taking half the town out with it. Unlike me, she approaches all this high weirdness with a sense of wonder and delight. I feel like she's the fearless explorer into the unknown and I'm the primitive local terrified of my people's legends and myths,

My question is: how do I deal with that? She reacts to things that fill my mind with boundless and unnameable horror, with a smile and a curious, brilliant mind. She walks confidently into a world that terrifies me, and I want to walk beside her- but I also want to protect her from all harm and build a bunker out of adamantium and pure spite to keep this town's madness at bay. Help!

-Lost, but Lucky

So Lucky, so Lost,
Uhhh yeah wrestling with this one myself. What I can tell you is what someone most important in my life told me: It’s going to be scary and without things being weird life is still scary, uncertain, complicated, and messy. Now, friend, we can be scared or focus on the really cool news that you have someone who is fearless to have your back. Like I always say, candidates for a good lifemate will be the ones that will help get you through the zombie apocalypse, not just be a liability in it. You can find good sex anywhere, and sometimes for a pretty reasonable pricetag so I’m told. (My editor also insists I point out that prostitution is illegal, but if I go into a rant about occupational shaming with him I’ll never get home for the holidays.) So yeah, This fearless thing? This is good so long as there’s a plan. There’s fearless and then there’s heedless. Think. Make a plan. Tackle the plan together. It’s kinda a neat idea for a date night.

Congrats. Don’t die.

Dear Iggy,
My mom turned this holiday season into a dramabomb and
I want to scream. My brother and his wife are separating. How did I
find out? The traditional way, by SMS while I was in North Carolina
with my gf for TG. Cue enormous SMS storm. It's a miracle I didn't
mistext one of them. My mom wants to disown my brother, says he's
ruined christmas, she'll never not think of my sister-in-law as a daughter,
blah blah blah. My brother is being pretty reasonable about it, all in all,
said they'll be co-parenting my nieces.

How do I handle this. How do I tell
my mom to chill out. I did not expect to spend my holiday season playing
referee and I'm not really equipped for it anyways.
-Christmas at Ground Zero

Dear Zero-G,
I found gin is a fantastic solution to this. Also did you know, fun fact if you have been following along this summer you may have noticed, you are welcome to hold your parents accountable. Also, ya know, kudos to you for trying to mediate this. I’ve been trying to moderate dad getting up in my brother’s business for a lifetime so if it hits a wall? Tell mom you’re not participating or inviting her until she grows the hell up. Good Lord it’s the holiday ffs. Tell her you can’t allow her to carry on like this because she raised you better than that. Fantastic ammo and it will disarm with complement and give them credit for healthy behavior while holding them accountable.

Where your Brother/In-law (Sister-out-law?!) is concerned? Reach out and say hey that sucks, I feel for ya, and maybe just focus on the nieces until the grown ups actually grow up. If that doesn’t work? Well hell mail me back and I’ll buy you and your GF a round at 2 if By Sea where people go for tater tots that taste like the halls can go get decked a while. So if that doesn’t work and you have to endura the Waaaahnado from mom causing problems I provide you with a little gem I like to call:

THE RESOLUTION
Ingredients
2 oz gin
.5 oz simple syrup
.5 oz lemon juice
1 sprig rosemary
Instructions
Combine all ingredients into a shaker. Shake, then double strain into large coupe glass. Top with champagne. Garnish with rosemary sprig so you have something to throw at your mother later. Enjoy!

That’s wrapping my column this week. I’d love to hear back from you all about how your holiday went and what you’re hoping to do with your New Year’s resolution. Enjoy the snow and bundle up. It’s not the cold that gets you, it’s the damp. Be smart.

Happy Holidays
Iggy Out <3