2019-09-05 - Dear Iggy #8 -- (New Year's Eve)

Questionable Advice Column
- Ignacio deSantos
Where I'm not licenced to solicit advice, I'm just paid to

Well we survived that. Happy New Year! We here at the Gazette (I’m speaking for you bullpen) we hope your New Year starts off where it can get better as it goes. I mean sometimes that’s all we can do is accept thi is where we’re at, and then do something about it. So my New Years resolution is to be more honest with myself.

The truth is things have not been great, and they might be getting worse. We can’t allow it to hold us down. That’s how birds get eaten by cats and that there is a bad time. So let’s figure out how to get to flapping.

Dear Iggy,
What the hell??!
Seriously!

Yo Sirius Black,
I know right? I have been trying to figure it out for three days straight. I go nothin. We should start a support group at the Pourhouse or something because damn! I’ll keep investigating and when I know you’ll know. Godspeed, neighbor.

Dear Iggy,
If I were to hypothetically borrow my dad's Harley
(without asking), the one he never lets me ride,
and hypothetically crash it, how hypothetically
screwed am I? (Hypothetically.)
-Don’t Tell Dad

Dear Completely Screwed,
You are going to catch some heat with this one. Like facing down something and you know you’re going to be hit with it you have to choose the conditions now. Universally in action films we learned don’t take a bullet to the gut. It is terrible. I don’t think you’re going to be shot and I’m not speaking from experience. I’m from New York not Newark. We don’t have free bullet with proof of residency.

What I am saying is you don’t want to try to hide something you can’t. Put together a solution plan, and be prepared that you will probably have to work it off and work at that rebuilding of trust. This is a great way to do that by saying Dad, I need to tell you I messed up and I have a plan to fix it and I’m sorry. The apology is important. Apologies aren’t words pal, they’re a change in behaviour.

Until then check out the Steelhead Garage. They do some really nice bodywork over there and I’ll put in a good word for you. Trust me they’d love to work on a Harley and are Harley certified. So there’s your start. Wear a helmet.

Dear Iggy,
That wasn't from me, I know that printer is possessed by
the Lord of the Flies and any of its malfunctions are entirely
the fault of Satan himself. Besides, there are plenty of things
actually your fault which I can blame on you, like [redacted]
and [redacted], and I try to be correct when airing my grievances.

-FYI

Dear FYI,
Way to be well versed on the Apocrypha for one. Now before people get confused Beelzebub is the Lord of Flies and is one of the High Dukes of Hell in several religious traditions. I grew up in a Spanish Catholic family, let me tell you, you learn some stuff. Now the Malfunctions you describe as being attributed to Satan, a.k.a. Lucifer, who is even more elevated in that realm’s hierarchy per Gnostic, Hebrew, and Christian traditions? Let me be the first to give you the good news that your printer and application issues are way too middle management for a couple of infernal CEOs. I think you’re in the clear there which means you can probably save some money by getting anyone who is ordained to help you, or maybe update your drivers and firmware.

Also I know who this is and if I’m not going to be like every third American and abandon my New Years resolution 55 minutes after making it then I gotta be real honest and post this. Yeah the truth is I’m not perfect, and I didn’t know that was your sandwich. And thanks for saving my life that time. I know. I owe ya. Lo siento.

Dear Iggy,
I recently found out I'm adopted. I'm twenty-something and
in college, and yet somehow, my parents have kept this a
secret from me this whole time. I'm having trouble coping
with it. I'm not really their kid. They're not really my parents.
Or is that blood is thicker than water thing all bullshit anyways?
I haven't told them I know, I found out entirely on accident. And
I don't know if I should confront them or not. I love them, they're
my parents, but they lied to me this whole time!
-Plz Hep

Dear Since You Said Please,
Breathe.
Step one is just breathe. You are clearly feeling raw about this and you are allowed. You love your parents that raised you and it seems they love you or you wouldn’t say that. That’s a hard thing to tell someone and i’m going to guess when they adopted you there’s no ‘okay this is the procedure to follow’. Maybe they didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to make you perceive you were differently valued to them. I’d like to say it doesn’t matter, but it does. It matters to you and to them and you have to work with them to work on how you will all agree to communicate better. They’re just parents they don’t know any better. I love my parents but they had 3 of us and are still getting a lot of shit way, way wrong.

Until you decide how to talk to them you can at least know they loved you, were able to give you a home and love, and took the initiative to do so. I don’t know what the other situation is on your birth people. Could have been yeti that live in the Firefly Forest and put you on a human doorstep to protect you from some yeti curse or being picked on for being hairless and hornless and small.

You are loved. It’s a start. They did the best they could, they tripped on that one. I have no idea what I’m going to tell the chicken I hatched when she gets older and realizes she still doesn’t have thumbs. I’ll just have to open her jars forward and the day will go on. You’re right though, people deserve the right to know, but sometimes the not knowing protects us from some bad stuff too. Make your choices with your eyes open.

So in contrast to when I started writing this article there’s been a bad accident and I know I didn’t post two of your letters. I will reach out personally when I can, or next week if all goes well enough.

Take care of one another out there.
Iggy Out.