2019-09-19 - Dear Iggy #9 -- (Post-Accident #1)

Questionable Advice Column
- Ignacio deSantos
Where I'm not licenced to solicit advice, I'm just paid to

Greetings, readers. As you know we had to miss a publication and I’m sorry. Not because I feel anyone’s holding me accountable for taking care of my health, but I wanted to and let myself down. Maybe that’s a thing we all run into where our best laid plans fail to be plans and also fail to help us get laid and it just sucks all around.

The truth is for a while I was ready to give up; not on the people around me but myself and I realized though a series of long talks (and having the most significant other on the damn planet <3) that it’s what They want. Negativity begets negativity and despair feeds the Beast That Is. The people of Gray Harbor? We can do something about that and it means so much hearing back from so many of you. I said it before the only way we can fight the ray in the harbor is to hope and help one another out.

It’s the best I can do, I can only solicit questionable advice. I cannot help you get laid. That work is on you.

Dear Iggy,
My mother passed recently. I need to go through her things.
My family's things. I know I need to save whatever important
documentation I can find to help settle her estate and make
sure everything is in order for my family, but I'm inclined to get
rid of the rest. I'm worried my siblings will be upset later if there's
nothing saved for them. I'm worried, years down the road, that
I might also regret not having any piece of the past left.
How do you decide what parts of the life
you left behind are worth keeping?
Signed,
Paperwork Is Easy

Dear Easy,
For one, heartfelt condolences on your Mother’s passing. I will preface this with I’ve never been in this position, however being Gray Harbor I’m going to say step one? Remember you are not alone. Two? Get the documents organized, and maybe invite your siblings in early on the process and say hey we’re going to do an estate sale or a donate or whatever. You need to be here before this time.

Pictures take up very little space. You can come through and take a picture of the things you are parting with, or even have someone do it for you. I’ll ask the readers if there are any archivers out there (Looking at you Library crew!) that have these services please feel free to leave a message to me or on my page on Friendzone so this person can get a hold of you. Also thanks.

Lastly? I mean find out if anything’s haunted. You may need to sit down with mom if she’s holding on to things. My Tia Rita hates throwing things out. I am fairly certain when she passes she’ll be haunting everything and that’s tiring for her and you. It can be an unhealthy situation, but it can also be pretty productive. If this is the case? The Gray Harbor Paranormal Society might be able to help you out. I know a couple folks we can hook you up with.

Dear Iggy,
I just moved into a new place, but I don't really know enough
people to have a housewarming party. Do you have any advice
on how to warm and empty house? Or how to make friends with
my new neighbors?
Thanks!
Lonely Dog-Owner

Dear Owner of a Lonely Dog,
Have you thought about a puppy themed block party? Like a pup party for folks. Talk to the city I guess so you can mark off an area. Set yourself up as a contact. Maybe start a Friendzone Group for local puppy parents!

Also to know there’s a new vet in town too. Might want to reach out to them to set up someone there for are and advice. Let me tell you with my girlfriend adopting half the stray everythings in the city and we got the vet on speed dial in case. I said no on the Utah Raptor… I think she’s still mad at me for that but ya know we have chicken nugget sized critters at home! I don’t mind coming home to +1 critter but coming home to -12 is a bad day. Host a dog walk. It’s a great way to meet these people and it’s Gray Harbor; we are all neighbors.

Dear Iggy,
Why is there never enough time in a day? A week? A month?!?!?
The holidays have come and went and I still feel like I am stuck
in them! I have gifts piled on a table that I haven't yet had time to
deliver! I am in a holiday panic! I miss my friends! All I do is
work work work and try to fit in all this extra stuff. I feel like I am
letting people down man. I don't want to let people down... How
can I slow time down so I feel like I can stay atop everything?
Seriously,
Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking…

Dearest Tik-Tok,
Well that’s because the older we get the more time realizes we are winning in defiance of it and it’s punishing us. Someone tried to tell me that there’s gnomes living in the clocks, a whole network of them, and they’re trying to undermine Human society in subtle but significant ways. It’s also important to note that I’m in physical therapy 3x/week right now ad we are all hopped up on painkillers. I don’t know how credible we are as a source on that.

The best way to combat clock gnomes is plan to plan. Accept you will not be able to do everything and mail things out if you need to. If you communicate, then people will understand. The other thing you can do is pay someone to kidnap your friends and bring them to your house.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Apparently this is illegal and you should not kidnap people. Just ask permission first at least)

Dear Iggy,
I was having a debate with my friend about the best pizza.
We argued all the finer points, such as best toppings, pros
and cons of 'artisanal' pizzas, and the difference of New York,
Chicago, and Detroit Pizza. We also tried to figure out why
some "deep dish" pizzas seem to be all crust with toppings
and others seem to be like a cheese pie with toppings. Help
us resolve our debate? Dearest Iggy, what is the very best
pizza slice known to man?
Signed,
Craving a slice of 'za

Dear Zsa-Zsa,
'Artisanal' pizza is a hipster way of saying I don’t know what the hell a pizza is but I read a brief overview of it on the internet and my beardybeardy self hath decided other cultures are wrong in how they express love.

Any New York style slice IS ART. You want an artsy pizza just make the damn NY pizza properly the first time and let people eat REAL FOOD the way nature intended. As a cook and a New Yorker I might have some ...feelings on this. Anyone thinking otherwise honestly deserves being left to their inferior edible fate.

Detroit tho ain’t bad, but we share a lake for them so they’re like the little sister that’s trying to keep up, and for that, Motown? I love you. I feel like we’ve been over how Chicago Deep Dish is nothing but upholstery stuffing with sauce and spinach leaves and crap on it, but as this is important to the fabric of our society and evolution as a species it bears repeating.

On that note? Well hell I’m going to surprise my GF by combining my PT with standing long enough to make a proper pizza. This spring I’m thinking outdoor pizza oven. All I have to do is find a place that has stone available that’s not from some indigenous graveyard, haunted quarry or cused, so if you have recommendations for me I welcome them.

Hang in there. It’s going to be an ugly winter, bu ‘ll give it a shot if you do. Look forward to seeing you at the coffee shop when I can. Be good to each other.

Iggy out.
<3