2019-09-29 - Dear Iggy #10 -- (Groundhog's Day)

Questionable Advice Column
- Ignacio deSantos
Where I'm not licenced to solicit advice, I'm just paid to

Happy Groundhog Day where prophetic Rodents have benevolent granted the snowboarders something to look forward to. Next year remind me to leave a bowl of nuts out or something to bribe that chubby lil dude to release the sun and stop snowing on us.

Being Gray Harbor I would not put it past the groundhog ACTUALLY holding us hostage. Who knows? Maybe just maybe this Ibuprofen and coffee has gone to my head. You can decide and let me know. Until then, let’s be thankful an army of tiny Snowpeople haven’t marched up on us like Castle Macbeth and see what’s going on in the lives of our neighbors today.

Dear Iggy,
I don't have much experience with relationships or flirting,
and there is someone I might want to attempt to flirt with,
but I am unsure of their relationship status. They seem to
be with someone, but I am not sure it's a committed sort of
thing like wearing someone's ring or being pinned or going
steady as they used to call it. How do you ask someone if
they are seeing someone exclusively, without sounding like
you're prying, or being otherwise awkward?
Sincerely,
I Hope You Dance

Dear Hope,
I call it potentially dangerous territory. I’m with you. I’m terrible at flirting, just ask my girlfriend. Literally had to get attacked by a giant monster and get injured crawling my way across a floor before I realized You know I think she kinda digs me. And by then- well nevermind. My point is short of an earth breaking catastrophe sometimes we don’t know unless we ask. And the? They might not know. What a great reason to find out though.

I checked with a co-worker too to get a broader poll of what someone might consider doing. Being that they are chronically single I’m disallowing their answer to be advice. So we are def not saying just barrel into it and see what happens. (Sorry dude). So the consensus is to ask them and let them know, Hey I know you have this going on but what is the status on that because I respect you and don’t want to make your life complicated.

Now if you are a ghost asking me this (I’m trying not to be corporealist here) I would say also make sure to give them some privacy. I eman I’m not going to tell you you can’t go all Patrick Swayze on them. There is a fine line for ghosts between guardian companionship and stalking. But if you’re not? No big deal and just ignore that last part.

Dear Iggy,
After things got serious with someone I was seeing, they started reading things into everything I said. What had been an easy rapport was suddenly a minefield. Any light joke or teasing which would have been fine while we were getting to know each other was read as an attack or callous disregard for their feelings/capability/etc. not too long after the L word was exchanged. I'll admit that I did a pretty poor job expressing my worries, which might have all come out like criticism, but I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't have been insurmountable if we weren't already feeling the strain from several other minor incidents.

It's not the first time this has happened either. It seems like that word is cursed. As soon as it's said, there's a decent chance (less than 100% but scarily close) that the whole dynamic of the relationship will change and everything I say will be misconstrued. It's definitely left me gunshy.

I don't want to just close up and keep people out, but neither do I want to have to start being serious all the time just because the relationship is getting serious. Help?
The One Who Didn't Change

Dear Stasis,
The L word is a tricky thing. It’s like a bullet: It might hit the target, it might skid off to the side and cause collateral damage, and it might just because people to dive for cover out of the way, or even have a PTSD response because they’ve been through some stuff.

I was thinking on this topic the other day. With each decade we have to deal with a new set of struggles and those of the decades before like stacking plates and cans and kitchen stuff. I saw a cirque guy do this before and it was amazing, but over time the weight keeps increasing. Sometimes that’s a lot of things to stack so going back and saying something can make them thing something that was messed up in the balance stack was sorted is wiggling again, and though it hasn’t they adjust accordingly.

So yeah, telling someone you love them is a great way to get hit in the head with a soup can. If you wanted soup this is a great shortcut and it works out well. So we can’t decide how someone will receive the news, only that they are going to react, and that might be scary for them and that stack is going to get shook up. You can either catch the can and help put it bac or get out of the way and cover your head to avoid getting dented.

Also, I recommend the minnistrone.

Dear Iggy,
I was thinking about planting a garden soon and wanted to know if you recommend traps or insecticides incase of bugbears.
My Lawn Rolls Initiative

Dear Level 6 Citizen,
Lettuce begin by saying you are so not planting a dang thing for a while. (Really? They went back and edited that?! I didn’t know that was still considered cursing) At the speed of eventually to answer your question you want to take a look at the type of plants you are looking to grow. You really want to be careful using any sort of insecticide on anything that is or is growing next to your edibles (Yes, that type too). (Oh sure they let me print that!) This also brings up a gardening rookie mistake of don't plant anything in the ground next to a fence made out of treated wood. There’s a lot of toxins in that wood that go into the soil and up into your food. Raised flower beds in that case are your friend. NOT the way to Hulk out and get cool mutant powers. If you did you’d be like RoB Schneider in that Family Guy episode where he became a carrot or something. Not one to get you elected city guardian beloved by all I tell you.

The other thing to consider is leaving traps around that can hurt things not-bugbears. I mean also they’re not bears. They’re technically a Goblinoid race that has a culture and religion and voting and pants and stuff. I mean sure they’re chaotic evil but they can be reasoned with and are far likely to maraud your lawn.

Your answer: Neither. Negotiate and try to incentivise them to go elsewhere. Or just a pictorial sign with a diagram oof a turnip, an arrow down, and an unhappy face. They might not have language but I think everyone gets the idea that it’s not a cheeseburger and will probably leaf it alone.

Dear Iggy,
I’ve been reading the news following the Joshua Foster Casino Murder Case. I’m wondering what your take is on it. On one hand he’s working to organize a lot of jobs and incoming revenue for the city, but on the other hand people are trying to say that he had those people killed. I don’t know what to believe here.
So Much Bad News

Dear Newsreader,
You know this is Section C and not Section A of the paper right? If you want to know what to believe I’d say start there and probably not with the word of a twenty-something satirist. Pretty certain my publisher uses me as proof that we can literally print anything these days, but if my readers are happy then I’m happy. That said? There is literally an entire section of this paper dedicated to that and my colleagues are happy to answer this in mind-numbing depths.

What do I believe? I think if we went up to Josh Foster and pulled back the mask we might find out it was Farmer Johnson all along! Or I just had the Scooby Doo Dream again. Does anyone else dream in Hanna Barbara? Seriously.

So next week is my birthday, I know I’m a Valentine’s Day baby. This means I have been ruining Valentine’s Day for my mom for like 27 years now. I’m a menace on a winning streak I tell you.

As the weather’s going to be crap I’m going to say you can either get pissed about it or go drop into Ruby or Abitha’s places. We got board game central and a video game Mesopotamia right here in the city. Get out there. Dare to have fun in this slop. What do you have to lose… other than your GP and your HP....

Okay you can lose a lot and still have fun.

Have a good week out there Gray Harbor.

Iggy Out