2019-10-07 - Rest in Peace

She left Itzhak's in a state of purest misery. REST IN PEACE. It throbs in the back of her head, shudders through the ache in her heart, makes her limbs move of their own accord in a direction not of her choosing. REST IN PEACE.

Gohl wasn't very successful in moving her to anger. At best she was petty, catty, or terse. He almost got there with Itzhak and digging into the more than friends with benefits angle, but it turns out she is just not equipped physically to put anyone in a grave. Sad. Her despair though? That he has plenty to work with. The split with Itzhak opens her up to all sorts of things.

The memory of her failed marriage, her cheating husband and his many many affairs – she wasn't enough for any person. She would never be enough for someone. She would never know real love, real contentment, real happiness with another.

The knowledge that she had miscarried her husband's child. Even her body wasn't enough to sustain life or love. She could give them everything, and she would still fail to give them what they truly wanted or needed.

Kelly. If she hadn't chosen to move to Gray Harbor, her sister would still be alive. That pure soul, with so much potential, gone because Rebecca placed her work before the concerns of her parents who told her not to go there. Never to go there.

The bones. If she'd only listened. If she'd only done what William had asked her to do, none of this would have happened. So many people were dead because she didn't bury Gohl's bones. Her sister was dead because of her.

Itzhak. She even failed to just keep it to friends with benefits. She'd slowly been acting more like a girlfriend. She'd started to care. She started to love him for all his strange and wonderful ways. The music of his soul had called to something in her. And she'd gone and ruined that too.

She opens her eyes. She is so tired, exhaustion rooting her limbs. She's in the cemetery? She doesn't remember walking here. She doesn't remember much of anything after fleeing Itzhak's. But yes, this is the Gardens of Eternal Rest at St. Mary's. It's raining. She is soaked to the bone. Her sweater was cashmere and is probably ruined. She is missing a shoe. There are scrapes and pains all over her body. How many people or things did she crash into in her flight to this place?

She is on the ground, slumped back against a massive stone angel older than memory. The name on it is mostly worn away, but she can make out the first name. Rebecca. Just like her. Is it her? Is she already dead?

Her mind feels foggy, like she is seeing the world in slow motion, a step behind reality. It doesn't feel normal. Her mind is usually running at a frenetic pace, like a browser with 30 tabs open and looking at them all simultaneously. How is this possible? She looks down at the hand in her lap. It's holding a pill bottle. What?

Her sleeping pills. She needs them now and then when her brain won't shut down and let her just sleep. It was almost full, but now there's only a few pills remaining. Did she take them?

TAKE THE REST! The order in her mind is sharp and hot and wrong. Gohl. He must have done this. TAKE THE REST! REST IN PEACE! The urge makes her lift her other hand from the mud, reach to take another tiny little pill from the bottle.

NO! She won't. She's not ready to go. This isn't her. This is Gohl. "Fuck you, Billy." She throws the bottle away from her with her last ounce of strength. It lands only a foot away, because her strength is gone. It's far enough though, she can't reach it.

There is a flutter at the periphery of her mind, someone looking for her with the Gift. She reaches for it, but she's just too tired, so tired. The world goes dark.