2020-02-06 - The Guy On The Book Jacket

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: Cavanaugh, right?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yep. You've got the right number. Who's this?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: Rosencrantz. Got a minute?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Sure. What do you need?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: just wanna talk. believe it or not, I actually like talking to you

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Sure. What about?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: look, I really was a huge dick to you. feel bad about it.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: ...
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I kind of don't know what to say. I do wish you hadn't done that.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: yeah. can't blame you.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: let me make it up to you

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: What did you have in mind?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: hell, I don't know. don't actually know much about YOU, yannow?
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you like reading and Irish punk. and nasty bourbon drinks.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: All of the above is true. I love books and have since I could read. My family's really into its Irish heritage....and punk and Celtic blend well. And I do like whisky. Blame it on being from the South or again, Irishness.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I mean, I read your one memoir, and don't get me wrong, it told me a lot of stuff about planes and war and being a pilot. Didn't tell me a hell of a lot about you.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: You know what? Right now, you're probably one of the people on earth that knows me best.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: kinda like that

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Because while every word in both those books is true and accurate and something I did or lived through....they're lies.
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I lied all my life, from the moment I was fifteen years old. I lied to my family and I lied to my superiors and I lied to my friends. I pretended so hard I was the guy who could do the things they'd need from me to be the guy who could go to space.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: it worked. you went to space

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Under false pretenses. My whole pilot career, I was up to illegal shit with de la Vega. I didn't have the guts to either come clean and take the consequences and maybe get something with him....or give him up and be that person for real.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you were in a real tough fucking spot, yeah. can't blame you for not giving him up. I wouldn't either.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: Roen talked to me some about being queer in the military. told me it fucks you up, the way you have to pretend.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: So, here's the thing. We went through this incident in Afghanistan. De la Vega is a hundred percent the hero I painted him in that book. I couldn't name him, because classified bullshit, but I bet you recognized him. Anyhow....the evacuation there was an enormous clusterfuck. My backseater, the other guy in my plane, he died en route to the hospital in Germany. I was badly wounded, too. And because of this mess, there was a period where people had who died and who lived wrong. Ruiz thought I was dead. I thought he was dead. But here's the thing.....by the time I got woken up and told about things, it was later. and in the interim.....people kept it from me that he lived. My family, for fear I'd give up this potential career and embarrass the shit out of the politicians in the family, kept it from me. For two years, I thought he was dead. So.....I went along. I went to Houston.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: jesus. jesus, Cavanaugh. by street rules I can't shit talk your family, so...just, jesus.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: When I found out....I thought....well, he'd seen the light and was better rid of me, that's why he never tried to get in touch with me. Yeah. That's one among several reasons I'm on the opposite side of the continent from them. Yes, I'm the son of enormous privilege. It's like that line in that old Creedence song about being born, silver spoon in hand. I own that. I started out with huge advantages, and I owe them a lot. But they've also done their level best to fuck me over, out of the noblest possible intentions.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: man, fuck their intentions, there aint no intentions good enough to lie to you about the man you loved

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I mean, Jesus, yeah. I'm guilty as fuck. Yeah. I haven't forgiven them that....especially because only one of them really apologized after. All the rest of them act like they did me a giant fucking favor, keeping me from making this mistake. We had plans, did you know? My hand to God, before September 11 went down....he was gonna just....not re-enlist, when his tour was up. And I was gonna either let my commission run out or just straight up go to my superior and tell him I needed to get out, because I was queer, and open queers couldn't serve. We were >< close. I thought.....hell, I've got the pilot experience, and this was the shuttle era, i'd just go be a mission specialist, try for NASA the civilian route

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...no. didn't know.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: But then it did, and it wasn't just a matter of dicking around out there waving the flag. It was war for real. So, we couldn't just leave. Hell, they stop-lossed him, I think. Which is when they just....ignore you when you try to not re-enlist. They can do that. Anyhow, this is a hell of a thing to dump in your lap, this whole damn story. But....if anyone deserves to know the truth, you do.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: not gonna lie to you, that hurts a hell of a lot to hear. but not as much as it hurt to go through it, I bet

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah. Roen is right. If I'd been a really good person, I'd never've laid a hand on Javier. But I wasn't. I did.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: yeah, well, he's a massive asshole too, I'm sure he wasn't blameless

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: No, I can't take that way out. He was younger, lower-ranked, inexperienced. I knew better. So....he's a lot better off with you. Never doubt that.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: heh. true that he's inexperienced. still is, in a lot of ways. you knew what you were doing, huh?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: More than he did. Some. I'd had experience with men in high school and college.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you like girls too?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I love women, and have, in my time. Nearly got married, once. She died.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: seems to be going around

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I don't follow?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: lot of people in this town have the same story. not me, but. a lot.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: anyway, that sucks. sorry to hear it

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: It was seven years ago. She was a Russian woman, Nadezhda Afanasyev. She worked for Russia's equivalent of NASA, making space suits, doing textile stuff for them. She's why I have the firebird tattoo.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: tell me more about your ink?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: You've seen the anchor on my one forearm, and the text on the other. The anchor's the first one I ever got, just for the Navy. The other one says 'Cosmonaut' in Russian. I got that one 'cause I lost a bet with an actual cosmonaut. Never, ever be dumb enough to tell a Russian you can drink him under the table. You can't.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: shit, I can't even drink YOU under the table, but i'd probably be stupid enough to try

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: They wean those assholes from their mother's milk straight to vodka, no lie.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: Leon, that real big dude at the bar, he knew it said cosmonaut

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: the next text is a pair of images - the sailing ship on one deltoid. On the other, the image of the orbiter part of the Space Shuttle, wound with a banner that reads 'Ad Astra Per Aspera'. She's done in flat white as well as black ink, giving her a weirdly dimensional look
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Leon's heard me tell a....vague version of that story.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: NICE. those look fantastic. pretty canvas doesn't hurt neither

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: The ship is the USS Constitution. She's the oldest ship in the Navy, one of the original six frigates they built in the 18th century. I served on her straight out of college. The orbiter is Atlantis. I flew her twice. She's down in Florida now, they built an exhibit around her. Thanks. Most of my ink I got done in Boston. There's a studio there in Cambridge I love.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...look, I may as well come clean, those pictures of you been giving me heartburn. you were fucking beautiful. don't get me wrong, you're fucking gorgeous now. way hotter, actually. but you were. fucking. perfection.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Itzhak, you're making me blush.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: yeah, you flying Atlantis gives me heartburn, too.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: heh, am I? good, someone else oughta blush around here

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah. I'm bright red.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: good. real good.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you're hotter now than you were. lived in. scarred up. I like that.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: .....
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Blushing more. I'm glad you like that.
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Anyhow, i'm embarrrassed, I've just kind of....run on for a while here. I guess this is what I'm like when I'm stoned.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: yeah, you stoned?
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: feh, I asked. said I wanted to know more about you, right?
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: Joe the man, not Cavanaugh the war hero shuttle pilot

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah. High as a kite. Well, coming down. I never dared do that before, 'cause they drug test the ever living hell out of you in the Navy and NASA.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: wow. you never even got high?
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: poor little rich boy war hero

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Not until today. No, I don't deserve any sympathy. I drank oceans of booze to make up for it.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: hah, I just bet.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah. That's the one acceptable drug for the military, so it's not surprising there're widespread drinking problems.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: so how'd you like the weed?
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: personally I get horny on it. really horny.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: So, congratulations, you win the prize. You and Javier are the two outside of my family that know I'm not the guy on the book jacket. Yeah? I got sleepy. I was nodding off pretty damn quick. It really helped with the pain, though. I should get edible stuff, though, or a liquid. I rode home smelling like a skunk that'd had sex with Oscar the Grouch.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: HAH. the writer's got a way with words.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I like this guy better than the book jacket guy, gonna be honest with you
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: the book jacket guy's the one I yelled at.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Well, that's a damn good thing, sweetpea, because the guy on the book jacket died over Kazakhstan four years ago, really.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: may his memory be a blessing
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you're free of him

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: ....
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: See, now there's a gift you've given me.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: what's that?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Spelling that out for me.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: welcome to being a nobody. it ain't so bad.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Hell, that's all I wanted. Why'd you think I hadn't said anything about being an astronaut all these weeks? What kind of flaming asshole would I have looked like walking in and slapping my dick on the bar at the Twofer like it was the start of some gay porno Western, so to speak?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I meant it though. You oughta be proud of it. sure, I told everybody because I was so jealous my dick was hard, but, you really oughta. don't make you an asshole.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...still jealous, though. not sure when that's gonna go away.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: my boyfriend's long lost love shows up, and the guy turns out to be everything I would have died to be? you gotta see that that's kinda rough on me.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I mean, don't get me wrong, I am proud of it. And let me tell you another secret - astronauts are literally the most competitive motherfuckers on this planet. More than Olympic athletes. I got to do things that thousands would murder to do....and you know what I'm still mad about?
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I'm mad as fuck I won't set foot on the moon.
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: And I feel you. Because the myth is a powerful thing. Even the people who work for NASA and Roscosmos and know how the sausage gets made.....we believe it. We buy it. We sell it to the public.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: if anyone had the moon almost in their hands, it was you. so I grok that

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: But....here's something we can do. I've got a little of the mental stuff, and I'm getting better. I'll give you my memories. Full IMAX Dolby stereo, all that shit.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...man, I'm supposed to be making shit up to YOU

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: We want to share it. I want to. I have no children, and books and pictures and videos....that's all second hand. It'll help me protect them. Because I was in the Asylum, and I have magical dementia. My memory is rotting.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: shit. well that fucking sucks.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: all right. talked me into it.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: What comes next is a mute little moving image, captioned: Roy Batty at the end of Blade Runner "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: So, that's it, in a nutshell.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: okay. so let's do it. but I still wanna make being an asshole up to you.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I think you're doing a good job of that right now. You're like....one of the few people in this town that actually talks to me.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: well, you are kinda dazzlingly gorgeous, can't blame 'em for the stars in their eyes

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Jeez, Rosencrantz, you sure know how to make a guy blush
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I hope your own capillaries are betraying you right now.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: there's nothing worse than sympathy blushing. ugh.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: so tell me, did Cruz actually take you home?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Sort of. He told me to show up at his house and I did.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: he take care of you?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: If by 'take care of' you've just coined a wonderfully tender euphemism for 'fucked the hell out of' yes.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: fucked the hell out of, I'm assuming. I meant did he take care of you. Because if he didn't, I'm gonna kick his ass.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: He didn't just boot me out into the snow in the middle of profound subdrop, no. He let me stay the night. Next morning was when it went kind of bad. So, you may be the current president of, and I may be the original founder, but Cruz is also clearly a card-carrying member in good standing of the Queers Obsessed With De La Vega Club. De la Vega showed up, we all got high as fuck, and I must've been wearing my heart on my sleeve, because it all got awkward as shit.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: how dare you say I'm obsessed with him even though it's completely true

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Because I've got a persistent case of that sickness, and I recognize the signs in other patients.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: god I'm so fucking jealous of you, it hurts
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: this mishegoss is driving me up the wall

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I'm sorry, buddy. I know I'm not helping. I wish I could be smarter or cooler about it.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you and de la Vega are tiny baby queers who don't know shit about shit. I can't hardly stand it.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: That's a pretty accurate description.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: and I knew Cruz fucked him but not that he was still hung up on him.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: so. fucking great.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: de la Vega's the only man I even touched in this town. well, a little bit except for that time I hurt Cruz on purpose. But I ain't been with another man. Not even kissed one, not even went out. Only him.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah. Cruz's first thought was that I was playing some bitch game to get at de la Vega using him. Which, my hand to God, I was not. I don't do that kind of shit. I take and dish cruelty just on the physical plane. Not the emotional. But he made it clear that what Javier thought mattered, so....yeah. And I know. It's clear to anyone who ain't blind you two got your hearts set on each other.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: wouldn't think you do. Why should you, when you've had the world at your feet? literally?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Wouldn't think I do what?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...dunno why Cruz would think that. de la Vega actually kind of hates him. and actually hates him, not in the Javier 'mad because he's hot for him' way
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: play bitch games. seems kinda beneath you.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I'm glad you think so. Cruz doesn't know me that well, though. Not even as much as you do, or de la Vega. Why does de la Vega hate him?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: eh, I dunno. not exactly the kind of thing I risk asking him.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Yeah, he's never been a forthcoming soul.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I...uh, I'm trying not to talk to you too much about him. seems like a dick move.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: All right.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: if I'm jealous, you must be pretty jealous too, you know?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I don't know that 'jealous' is the word I'd use.
(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: But at the moment, I don't know what word I would use.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: fair

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: But I will abide by whatever boundaries you see fit to draw.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: don't really work like that, buddy.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I do that, it makes it worse on all of us.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: he's the one who's gotta decide that.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: How do you figure that?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I tell you to stay away from him, just makes you want him ten times as worse.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: even though I'm kinda dying to tell you just that. Part of me wants to kick your ass and tell you hands off my man.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: it's kinda crazy, actually. normally I ain't like that.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Consider it said. And no, it won't. I can't promise to leave town. I can't promise not to interact with him, it's too small a place...and being obvious just clues people in. Witness your perceptive friend. I can promise to keep it to public civility and to not be alone with him.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: thing is, it's not my call to make. it's his.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Why isn't it yours?

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I don't own him, man.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: don't own you either.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: That's true, you don't. But you do get to express your wishes and opinions, which is a far cry from thinking you can force anyone to abide by them. And those who choose to can listen.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: this shit is scary. Really scary. I'm so in love with him it's actually terrifying. so you show up and now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: It's kind of ridiculous for me to be the one to try and reassure you....but I will try. However y'all rise or fall, it won't be for me.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: he deserves to be happy. God, the life he's had. I want him to have everything he wants.
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: okay to be fair, maybe not everything. but everything good for him.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I agree.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ugh. you're too easy to talk to.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I have kissed the Blarney Stone.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: literally?

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Literally.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: magical motherfucker

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: That's the Irish for you.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: you're perfect and it's really fucking annoying.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: No, you're still just dazzled by the myth and the newness and the jealousy. Fear of losing the one you love is building me up into something fearsome, but I'm not.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: yeah, well, for an ex-con from the Lower East Side, it's a pretty long way up to you.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: You keep acting like love has any damn thing at all to do with socioeconomic background. Eros doesn't do a credit check before he strikes, Itz.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: good thing too, or I'd never get laid

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Soothe your fears by looking at what you have. I mean, Jesus, Buttercup ends up with Westley, not Humperdinck.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: ...are you seriously comparing de la Vega to Buttercup
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: because that's amazing

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Takes a princess to know a princess

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: I'm definitely more of a pirate than a prince

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: I rest my case.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: de la Vega said your family has a plantation
(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: that makes you, by definition, a whip cracker

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Oh, Jesus. Cracker's still a loaded term where I'm from. But yes, the land I was born on was a plantation.

(TXT to Joseph) Itzhak: hah. okay I gotta get going. Let's meet up tomorrow.

(TXT to Itzhak) Joseph: Sure. Sounds good. Just say where and when.