2020-03-01 - Strangulation Marks

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Hey boo. How are you?

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Jetlagged as all hell. Nearly didn't make it to my flat when I landed in the wee hours of the am. You? How are you doing?

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I asked Byron how you were and he said you were...dealing.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Oh, did you leave last night? Already that time? I think I still need to realize what day it is.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Dealing is one way of putting it, though, I guess. What kind of terms did you leave with concerning Alexander? :x

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I did. I'm here in the UK for a week. I'm sorry, hon. How are you now? Have you and Byron talked about it?

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I...well. He tried to get me to at the very least maim him before I left. He thought if I could do it while he was not a threat, I could do it if he was a threat, because he can't have me losing that fight again.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I told him he was being nonsensical and that wouldn't really prove my survivability against him either way.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Hmm. I might have beat the hell out of him if I were you, if that's what it takes to assuage guilt and make him function normally (relative term). In fact, I might just walk up and punch you if he starts cutting you out and holding you at arm's length to keep you 'safe' from him because... I've been down that road with Byron and he still has resentments over it.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : We've... talked to degrees about it. Mostly, I just... I couldn't cope and see what was real and it was a problem.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I didn't talk at all the first day or so, then... I don't know. I went on autopilot a few days while healing up. But I feel... like Lilith now.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Feel bad he had to hole up with me and hover with worry and walk on eggshells the whole time.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Also punch HIM not YOU. Jeez.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : If it were any other person, I probably would have obliged. Maybe. But the last thing I want to do is follow the pattern other people have in Alexander's life. If I have to hurt him to save him from himself, I will, but until that happens, I won't. I don't want to establish a pattern where abuse is a resolution to difficult issues.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : And yeah, Ronnie told me some of that, and I know it took you guys years to find some kind of equilibrium on that again. I don't want the same thing to happen to Alexander and me.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I'm glad you're feeling more like yourself. Tell me how you are?

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I think Alexander might need some story time with the dark, sad truths and regrets and wisdoms of Lily Winslow. It won't work out the way he wants it to if he employs aversion in the name of 'caring'. I get the reflex urge, I do. But... I've also done it and know the hard way what kind of years long fallout happened with me as a result.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I'm mad, still, I guess. But not at him. Kind of depressive and heavy, but I feel alive too and I don't see Byron like he was in the dream or hear the things he said echoing at me like wounds to match the marks. Should go to the shooting range or take down part of the forest or rip down a condemned home or... something.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I think the toughest hurdle in his situation is the fact that he can't get it out of his head. He's more torn up about the fact that he thinks he almost succeeded and that he knows he was able to put his hands on me to cause harm. I don't know whether the fact that I prevented him from actually killing me matters. What matters to him is that he actually hurt me, and he can't forgive himself for it, and is terrified that if or when it does happen again, I might not be so lucky. He would...end it, I think, if the fact actually guaranteed my safety.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I don't know, Lil. Maybe he would, but he hasn't because maybe he doesn't want to let go, either, or maybe because some part of him knows that he can't watch over me if he's not there.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I say do what you need to in order to deal. I drank myself half-to-death and whenever I was functional, I worked. But I'm sorry you're angry. It's hard. This Winter was just...balls for everyone.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I can talk to him. Might help. Been thinking about it since Byron told me how Alexander was reacting, echoed a little too close to what I've done in the past.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : But uh. If August finds and complains about a broken and ruined section of forest like a hippie... wasn't me.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : But maybe I can find a condemned house, that sounds more fun. I have issues.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : How do you feel about it all? Are you subconsciously having creeping nerves or fear around him? I had that problem. Like they attacked my safety anchor.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Only if you want, of course. It might help to hear a similar situation from another point of view, plus I'm sure he'd love to hear from you either way. I'm certain he was worried about you and Ronnie, also.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I won't say anything to August, I promise. And I...

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : In the end, I'm just worried about him. More about him than anything. It isn't as if I don't care what happened or happens to me, I do. But like I already told him, I knew what I was getting into. I made my choice. I haven't regretted it, and I don't regret it.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Considering what I actually do for a living, maybe it's typical, but if I wanted to be safe, I wouldn't be here to begin with.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : You're handling it like Byron, focusing on me instead of himself. He didn't make space an option, he was there the whole while, juggling work from home. I spooked him.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Here's the thing though... you're allowed to feel whatever you feel and might need to. Rational, irrational, doesn't matter.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : You're sweet, Lil. I'm...generally not great at acknowledgment, when it comes to my own feelings. Honestly, Alexander is a lot better than I am in that regard. You always know what he's feeling.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I'm just...

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I don't know. I blame myself. I knew it too, you know? That this was the one thing I couldn't let happen between us and I did.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I think maybe what I fear the most is that no matter how hard I try, or how willing I am to try, that I'll never...be what he needs. That maybe no matter how much or how desperately I love him, I might just be making it worse. If I can't even...do that much. Prevent him from hurting me in any way that would satisfy everyone involved. Some part of me knows that's stupid, but...feelings, right?

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I know. I feel guilty about just assuming it was the same nightmares again, resigning myself to fight him other than try to think or fight in other ways. I should have known it was different, that it was him.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : And I feel guilty that the Dream was able to use me to trigger so much rage in him. I feel guilty and punished by his hands still, it's strange. Then I feel guilty for wondering if it's his old resentment, I feel guilty knowing there's maybe something I could do, real or imagined to make him hurt me.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I feel guilty that he knows what it's like to hurt me now too, like I should have been the one to kill him because it was always my nightmare. Now it's one of his.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Now it gets hard to remember he's the one that's always taken care of me. He's the one man all through my life that I trust in. I don't blame him. But maybe there's something I could do that would break that. It's... stupid. Feelings, see.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Yeah. I get it. I'm sorry, Lil. It sucks that it made you live through the one thing you always feared, only in reverse - and that Byron gets to experience what you did when you were young, on top of it.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : How's he doing? Are the two of you still living together?

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : He's powering through like Byron does. But... it's a weight off of him I can see, to have me... less of a shut down zombie. It helps he has the casino, even though he's having to juggle it with stress and me. Gives distraction in the way he likes to be distracted.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Not healthy to promote, but Byron is going to Byron. I have little ways of getting him to vent in some fashion here and there, though.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Also I have no idea if we're officially living together, but my loft doesn't see much of me, so...

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : I was wondering whether he was going to make a move on that opportunity. He and I talked about it before. Hopefully he adheres to all the environmental permits, but I won't bore you with that rant today. ::winky face::

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : As for the cohabitation situation I think before you know it, it'll probably just happen. That's what happened to Alexander and me for most of the winter.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Yeah, nothing is official as yet, so we'll see, there's always higher bidders. And I will say that it's at least nice to have the loft above the shop to escape into during work, regardless of where I'm technically living.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : I guess the subtle test is to say I'm sleeping at home for a night after work and see if he asks, "... why?"

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : ::laughing emoji:: Sounds legit. You know I had this conversation before about drawers and bags and I think I've settled upon the conclusion that it'll just happen if it's the right time, without even asking or dancing around the issue. If you do that, though, let me know the details?

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : It is nice to have your own workspace though. I had to commandeer the coffee table in Alexander's living room.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Oh, good idea, I'll claim a nightstand drawer and see if he complains.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : ::laughing emoji:: Let me know how it goes.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Well, in the event that you guys can't make it up here this week, do you want anything from the UK that I can bring you?

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : Uhhh. Biscuits. Byron isn't sure that we can swing it, but he might surprise me by the end of the week, who knows.

(TXT to Lilith) Isabella : Alright let me know. I should probably review my notes one more time...my defense is tomorrow. Take care of each other, okay? I'll be back soon. And I'll bring you biscuits.

(TXT to Isabella) Lilith : You'll do fabulous. It's how you roll. Best thoughts! Mwah! Take care of you.