2020-08-05 - Might Be Masochism

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : So. Uh.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Guess who just randomly showed up on my porch this morning.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : the Strip-O-Gram I ordered you?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Bitch. Don't tease me.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Sorry! I can if you really want me to. Anyway, who?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Kinda do now, yeah.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : It's been forever since my neighbors were properly scandalized.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Also: Bond.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Consider it done... Wait, what? What did he want?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Not sure he knew.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Don't think he planned on stopping here, just...

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I mean. At some point on his walk, he had to have made a choice, right?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Said he wanted to make sure I was okay with all that's been happening, shop burning down and all.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Asked me out for a drive.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : So...

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I mean....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Did you go on a drive with him?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Not yet.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Told him Sunday maybe.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : So....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I mean...

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : You're going to?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I dunno!

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Yes?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : 🙁

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I think I want to.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : But I also think I could be happy just riding this until it crashes and burns.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And I also think he might maybe not be as good with that.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Like.. okay... look. I love you, absolutely. And when I have been able to talk with him, he's been cool, I could call him a friend if we saw each other more, maybe. I just worry... I think this is dangerous. I know how bad you were hurt after... And how LONG that affected you.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : As in we were still talking about him just the other day? Yeah...

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : But I mean.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I worry, is all. Maybe you'd be happy playing along, or teasing him or whatever you mean by 'riding this out'... but then what? You certainly weren't happy after things exploded to dust last time....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Rhys, Rhys makes you happy. That is clear.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : and you want so bad to not shake that happiness at all you don't even want to talk to him about the important things.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : ( Bouncing dots that keep stopping and restarting... )

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : If you end up devastated again... how is that going to effect happiness in your involvement with Rhys?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : First. Cuz easiest. What I mean by riding this out is just... enjoying it while I can. For as long as I can.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Second. Yeah. Just... yeah.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I knew you'd yell at me. ❤️

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : But maybe it'll be different if I go in knowing what to expect.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And maybe I've been thinking about what you said about Rhys.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Man..... You are making it hard on me.... "Maybe it will be different" just... you know I won't tell you how to live your life. And you know I will still ride or die with you.... I mean, yes, I do tell you when I think you are wrong, but... anyway....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : man....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : You know I am here shaking my head, right???

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : But anyway... what have you been thinking about what I said about Rhys?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Maybe it won't be different! But it was fun until it wasn't last time!

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Yes. I am entirely aware that this may be one of the most irresponsible things I've ever said.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Which is saying something.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Which should tell you something...

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : (IMG: Selfie of Sparrow making a pouty frowny scrunchy face. Pitiful. Adorable. So sads.)

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I've been thinking I could see a future with Rhys.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Now imagine that adorable pout with the red, swollen, puffy eyes that I saw after the whole Yule thing imploded last time. Not so cute anymore.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : A future? Yeah?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I can handle a little hurt.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And big grown-up conversations.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : there was more than a little before....

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : but Good about grown up conversations! So... did you talk to him?

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And still.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Not yet.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : masochist

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : So not.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : "and still"

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Maybe this will help resolve some of that!

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I mean.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : A big part of it was.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I was just shut out.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : you are basically saying, yep, i was wounded to my core. Heartbroken. Devastated, Sank into a deep hole of blech for too long --- and still, sure, why not again? Masochist.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Hey. That black hole was not all his doing.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : A large part was

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : February was shit in so many ways!

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : very much because of him. Just... you do what you feel is good for you. I will support you, even if skeptical... and if I have to, I will try to help pull you up again if...

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : You were skeptical the first time, too.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : But I am going to have to interrogate him again...

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And you were right.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And yet here we are again.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : SEE!!!!

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Cuz I am dumb.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I was right!

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Pretty boys make me dumb, Nicole. 🙁

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : He's not so pretty. He's just charming af

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And a really really good kisser.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : BTW - Joey said the words.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : 😆

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I would not know of his kissing

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I said them back

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately. I thought I was figuring stuff out.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : This should not be a hard problem to solve, but.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Like.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Cris has made a point of pushing me away. Hard. Convincingly.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And Joey tells me it comes from a good place. He's worried or whatever.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : But I don't like this feeling. Saving some part of my time and attention for someone who might not even want me.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And I've got people in my life who I know want me.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And now, instead of everything being clearer, I've got even more ambiguity.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I mean, Joey tried to do that to me in the beginning, well, a couple times. He knows how that goes. I just told him he was a fool and that I know the dangers and I am choosing my own life, and I choose to be with him.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : he is right that it comes from a place of worry. Like, he even said, in our WORDS talk - he's used to living in a way that keeps everyone at a distance. Don't let anyone close, there is no one close to you for them to hurt you through.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Yeah.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Pretty sure that's Cris too.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Cris is still in that mind set. He keeps you out of harm's way if he doesn't show that you are close.. so he pushes away

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : can't hurt him through you

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : See.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : That's kinda what I'm saying, though.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Maybe some things are worth some hurt.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Even if it hurts bad.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : it's not that he doesn't want you. It's not that he doesn't want to be hurt.... it's that he does not want you to be hurt by others because of him. And I mean, physical hurt

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I get it.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : so, tell him what I told Joey

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : if you want him

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : I know the danger. I know the risks. I know what might happen. Right now, I choose that it is worth it. I choose to take that risk.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And he's gonna tell me I don't know the danger, I don't know the risks. And he's right.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I mean. I've got some inkling of what's going on. I pay attention. But.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : and we agreed, if I ever feel like I just can't anymore... then we won't

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : You see him banged up like all the time.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I've made a point of not asking. He doesn't need to tell me about anything he doesn't want to tell me about.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I trust him.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Which.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Yeah.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Fine. I trust him.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : sounds like you need another grown up talk

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I guess that's what I want him to know. That I trust him. And he doesn't need to be a dick about things to get me to listen.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Yeah.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Being a grown-up is hard.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : whether he tells you the details or not. You know there is danger of some sort, and you decided to take the risk anyway.

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : and yes, it is

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Why isn't my summer full of shots and random make-outs 😭

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Because you have grown and your makeouts often come with FEELINGS attached now

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Feelings are hard 🙁

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : so hard

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : My feelings about you are easy at least.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Love you forever. Respect your ass as hottest in all of Gray Harbor. Glad you can tell me all the things I don't wanna hear even if I can't promise I'mma take your advice all the time. ❤️

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Glad you listen, even if you do your own thing anyway. It's because of respect and love. Yes, love forever, Bird

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : Thank you, gorgeous. 😙

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : I'mma get back to cleaning. Belt my heart out. Think about things.

(TXT to Nicole) Sparrow : And I'll see you in a couple of days. ❤️

(TXT to Sparrow) Nicole : Do a lot of thinking ❤️. See you soon.