2019-08-25 - Distractions

Once they get outside August stops a second and takes a deep breath, lets it out nice and slow, smelling the Harbor's heavy, metallic scent and not...whatever the hell that was just now. He stares out across the street a handful of seconds, waiting to see if anything changes.

It doesn't, and he relaxes a notch. Only then does it occur to him that he's semi-dragged Eleanor out here and is still holding her hand. "Sorry," he says, looking askance at her. Embarrassment-o-meter is pretty much pegged right now. How long since he's had to just leave a building? Years. Maybe a decade.

Christ.

"I just had to get out of there," he says. Immediately an internal voice chides him, because no kidding you had to get out of there, she was right there and saw it all!

Eleanor waits for him to snap out of the moment, and when he speaks, she puts her hands to either side of his face and looks him in the eyes. "What's going on, August?" she asks in quiet concern, trying to be calm and stable as an anchor for him, as he was for her.

August covers Eleanor's hands with his, shuts his eyes. He stays like that a second. Bar patrons come and go around them, a few giving them odd looks. August ignores the little waves they make as they pass by.

Eventually, he admits, "I don't know if I actually know." He laughs, helplessly, because his instincts are going in two different directions: the carefully honed response from years of counseling to let himself feel without needing to act, and that deeply rooted, underlying panic that stems from the things he absolutely couldn't explain to a single therapist.

Ah, of course. That's what it is. He opens his eyes, aware once more of that weight inside him. It's a bit heavier right now. "Something...is making me think about the hospital." Not Addington Memorial; the one that altered the course of his life some twenty-odd years past. "Something I'm hearing or," he grimaces, "tasting. I'm not sure what."

Ellie is used to odd looks. She's gotten them all of her life. She pays them absolutely no mind as her eyes stay focused on August's face, her hands cool against his skin. His explanation makes her eyes narrow a moment as she ponders. "Is it like a deja vu feeling? Or a trigger? Like you got a whiff of a liquor that smelled antiseptic or something? Or is it something else?"

Either way she needs to get him away from this bar. She leads him down the stairs to the rocky beach, where the sound of the water might help. She remembers him saying something like that when they took their walk near the Boardwalk. It's something that places him squarely here, in the Pacific Northwest, and not in Bosnia.

August keeps his eyes on Eleanor's as she speaks, his hands on hers. When she's done he looks aside, considers her questions. "More like deja vu, I think. I took a drink of my beer and I swear I was tasting concrete and metal." Like when he'd been lying under the one, run through with the other.

He clears his throat, follows her down to the beach without complaint. The tide's out, so the harbor water level is low. The tang of the ocean might be overwhelming to some, but August has never grown tired of it. It's the only thing he'd really missed while in Hoh Rain Forest: the smell of the coast. The moss- and lichen-covered trees had their own smells and beauty, but the ocean was the first place that had helped him get his head clear.

The weight lessens as they walk. He sighs after a bit. "Thanks," he says, managing a smile. "Sorry about needing to bail like that."

"Nothing to be sorry for. I was twitching at how crowded it was anyway," Eleanor replies with a gentle smile. She seems to be thinking deeply on the situation as she navigates her way to a large rock big enough for them both to sit on. She climbs up and tugs his hand to join her.

"Have you been using your Glimmer a lot lately?" she asks curiously. There seems to be intention behind the question. Even as she draws her knees up and lets her sundress splay around her.

August makes a low sound, joins her up on the rock. It's cooler down by the water, with the wind off the water, which means slipping an arm around her and settling in close isn't uncomfortable from the day's heat. "If you ever do need to get out, just tell me," he says, and dips his head to give her a light kiss.

He frowns, thinking over the last week. "Maybe more than I have in the past, but that was mostly due to meeting everyone." ...which is basically a yes. He makes a face. "Yeah, I guess so." He raises his eyebrows. "Related, you think?"

Eleanor leans into the circle of his arm and rests her head on his shoulder. "Possible. There seems to be a correlation with high Glimmer usage and Veil weirdness. Maybe you've gotten the attention of Them." She frowns at that. "Or maybe it's just a flashback due to trauma. I tend to throw myself into the weird explanations first, out of habit. Sometimes I forget there are mundane reasons for things that go on."

August grunts about having attracted Their attention. "Maybe. I guess it was bound to happen." Or so he tells himself, because he's not going to stop using it, at least not for the big things.

He kisses the top of her head, rests his chin there. "Well, you might be onto something--maybe with us even the mundane is always weird, in some way. There was definitely nothing mundane about what happened to me over there." Which might be the root of his problem; Sarajevo was inextricably tied into his power. That was all there was to it.

Another thing to cope with. Well, it could take a number and get in line.

"I'll keep my eye out for anything weird," he adds. "Hopefully it doesn't escalate." Hopefully.

"Do you want to stay at my place for a few days, just in case? I don't like the idea of you blanking out while driving all the way to your cabin or from there into town," Eleanor offers. "You might want to see about finding a local therapist too, just in case it's good old fashioned PTSD."

August frowns, because he hadn't actually considered that. On the one hand, staying in the city has him leery. On the other, he hasn't tried staying with someone in a long time (not since the first couple years of grad school), so maybe it will be alright?

There's really only one way to find out. "Only if that's not a problem for you," he says, letting her hear the hesitation in his voice. "I don't know how long it's been since you've had to share a bathroom." He can't help but smile now. "That was one of the more, ah, entertaining parts of grad school."

He mmmms about finding a therapist. "I can call the one I had in Seattle, she does phone appointments." Not that he can talk to her about Glimmer, but the rest is doable. "It's been a while, wouldn't hurt to check in."

"I still don't have to share a bathroom," Eleanor quips. "My house has two full baths. Those old craftsmans, they built them right." One hand twines her fingers with his, stroking her thumb across his knuckles. "It's absolutely not a problem for me. Even scared to the tips of my toes I really enjoyed our sleep over at your cabin. It was nice just to have another human in the same home as me. Even when you were writing and I was reading, I could sense you there, and it felt nice."

She squeezes his hand at the mention of the therapist. "I could probably use a visit to one myself. See if I can get over some of my forest phobia. Because it really was peaceful out your way, when I wasn't having all those little panic attacks."

"Ah, no wonder," August says, smile broadening. "You made sure having company would be easy." He squeezes Eleanor's hand, quells the concern that ripples through him over her fear of the forest. He reminds himself it had been her choice to drive out there. She knew what she was getting into.

"I liked having you there too," he says against her hair, hugs her close. "The talk stuff really does help some people. It's not for everyone but I'll swear by it--either in a group or one on one." But the group thing made more sense for a situation like his. Plenty of veterans to relate to, with stories (mostly...) like his.

"I need to get some things from the cabin." He tilts his head back to look down at her. "Trust me enough to make one round trip, make sure the neighbors can take care of my animals?"

Eleanor leans up to kiss him properly, stroking his beard with one hand gently. "Of course. Just call me when you get there, and when you're leaving, so I know you made it ok, and know to watch for your arrival? Just to be safe." Her smile is open and warm and a little bit excited that he is going to stay a few days. She just wants him to see her in her natural habitat minus all the fears encroaching.

Seeing Eleanor smile like that lifts August's spirits in turn, lightens the heavy weight in the back of his mind another fraction. "When I get there, when I'm heading back to you," he says, nodding. An eyebrow goes up. "Am I bringing us things to cook with or did you want me to get some take out or something on the way to your place?"

"Why don't you bring some things to cook. I think I have a nice Szechuan stirfry sauce and some chicken and rice. Fresh veggies from your garden and a couple goose eggs and we can make some great fried rice," Eleanor offers. Also, she knows helping him cook helped her get her mind of things, maybe it will work for him too.

"Got it. Eggs and veggies." August considers the eggs in particular. "I might bring duck eggs, actually. If you haven't tried those, they're incredibly tasty. We'll see what the ladies have left us." He disentangles himself from Eleanor, makes to slide off the rock first so he can help her down. He doesn't head out the second she's back on the beach, though; he pulls her into a hug first. "Thanks," he murmurs.

Eleanor returns his hug. "You're welcome. It seems we're getting good at being there for one another. It's a nice feeling," she murmurs softly.