2019-09-15 - Cease(Crotch)Fire

The camper calls the outskirts of Gray Harbor it's home. Technically speaking, it was originally parked at the Cracker Barrel and has now moved to the empty lot just across the street of it after one customer who's name was probably Karen complained about nothing. For some reason, Karens do not like awesome skeletons in bolo ties and baseball caps waving at them from the passenger side of a vintage brown-and-off-white RV. Karens are, very clearly, lame.

Anyway, this is where the camper is now, and it's not exactly hard to miss because there is, TODAY ONLY, a white poster board attached to a stick in on the side of the road that says:

ALEXANDER CLAYTON
OUR CAMPER IS THIS WAY
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And there's a drawing of an RV and two stick figures which could pass for Maddie and Duncan.

They're pretty good drawings.

Alexander has a new haircut, which is very snazzy. The rest of him is still thrift-shop schlub, though, and after receiving the invitation, he's made his way here and is now staring at the sign for just a long, long moment. All right, then, seems to sum up his expression fairly well. He sticks his hands in the pockets of his over-large army jacket, and meanders his way in the direction that the sign points him, his posture slouched but eyes alert, twitching this way and that as if expecting an ambush.

Duncan is really stuck on getting the passenger side mirror arranged just so. He's got Jimmy looking snazzy, but something about the angle of the mirror just isn't sitting right, so he keeps adjusting it, then looking into it, then adjusting it again. Till finally, "Sorry, buddy," and he climbs onto Jimmy's bony lap, flashing his teeth at his reflection in the mirror. Which is why he sees Alexander coming in the mirror, manages not to completely loose his cool, but definitely does some flailing (while sitting on a skeleton's lap). He's not being quiet: "It's go-time, Maddie!"

"SHHH!!!" Maddie can be heard not-so-quietly shushing Duncan when he isn't being very quiet. There's a lot of furious commotion happening in this trailer right about now as the brunette leaps out of bed. "He has to open the door! Be cool," she instructs her cohort. It can be assumed that the two of them totally know how to act super cool.

Not.

Anyway, the outside of the trailer doesn't look odd, if you discount the fishing pole sticking out of the roof .. from which dangles Alexander's book on a piece of wire. It's just out of reach, even if Alexander was going to step on the front stoop and get onto his tippy-toes. But beside the front door is another note, this time several BRIGHT PINK post-its that are stuck to the front of the trailer. One is missing; it fell off and slipped under the trailer. Anyway, each post-it has a single word written on it:

OPEN

DOOR.

The missing one probably read 'the'.

There's yelling, which Alexander can hear. There's his book, dangling on a literal fishing pole. There is someone actually saying 'he has to open the door'. And there's post-it notes. He frowns up at the book. "You better not have put a fish hook in that," he says. And then he opens the door. Because he's curious about just how bad this is going to get. If he dies, it will be his OWN DAMNED FAULT.

Some of that flailing from earlier results in Duncan landing properly in the driver's seat, where - after quickly fixing Jimmy's cool costume - he attempts to strike a totally casual pose (which really just means he looks like some sort of creepy leering kidnapper). "Did we put a fish hook in that?" he asks at Maddie, awed and delighted by the mere prospect. He tips forward in his chair, trying to see around it to what's going on by the door. DID IT WORK?!

"No I didn't put a fish hook in the book! Who would put a fish hook in a book? I glued wire around the cover!" Maddie defends - she cares about books, see? - and then bounces eagerly on the balls of her feet when she hears the door opening. DOES IT WORK?!

IT DOES!!

The door opens inward, and the bucket of marbles that Duncan had earlier balanced on top of the door teeters forward. Clink-clink-clinkclinkclinkclink goes about a thousand tiny marbles, all over Alexander. At that same exact time.....

Maddie works her psychic magic to pull a giant net down from the roof of the camper, very much intending to drop it down on Alexander's head. But DRATS! That part doesn't work so well.

"You glued wire to my book? How am I supposed to get the glue off without ruining the cover?" Alexander asks, in blank astonishment. And then there are marbles. SO MANY MARBLES. "What the hell?!" He jumps backwards, hands flailing a bit to bat marbles everywhere, and put some distance between himself and the door of the camper. That he manages to do this without tripping and rolling on all the marbles going everywhere is a small miracle. He stares at them. It's like he can't even decide whether to get angry or just laugh himself sick, both emotions fighting for dominance in his lean features. Finally, he does start to chortle helplessly. And, at the same time, his eyes flash.

And now their camper is on fire. Not REALLY, but the flames have a terribly realistic roar and crackle to them. And the skeleton? SUPER on fire. Extra fire for Jimmy.

Duncan stops saying, "Fish buh-hook," over and over because now the camper is on fire so really pretty sure that earlier composure check no longer applies, uno momento por favor.

"Is that - that's smoke! JIMMY NO!" It's Washington state, so Duncan fits right in wearing a flannel over his t-shirt, which he rips off to throw over the burning skeleton, trying to smother the flames while also trying to kick open the passenger door while also screaming at Maddie about a fire extinguisher because "JIMMY IS BURNING UP!"

Priorities. Duncan has them.

"It doesn't even matter 'cuz you're not gonna be able to read anything when you're DEAD!" Maddie shouts back to Alexander, clearly assuming her trap was going to work. Except the netting thing was a real disappointment. If she had time to consider, maybe she'd try something else, but as it were? The house was suddenly on fire.

Maddie's eyes flare open wide, a (probably overly) dramatic wail coming out of her throat. "Oh god! Oh no! JIMMY!" She, too, has her priorities. So has Alexander ever seen a skeleton stop, drop and roll? 'Cause he's about to. "MOVE!" she shouts to Duncan, shoving him away from Jimmy and preferably out the door, but either way, Flaming Jimmy's going out that way too. Without touching the skeleton, she rips him right out of his chair and throws him successfully out the door, winding her fingers rapidly through the air. Jimmy's actions correspond to Maddie's finger movements; he rolls about just as rapidly on the grass, bones a'flailing. "Damn you, Keene! DAMN YOU!!!!"

Alexander keeps laughing. It even gets louder as the two flail around, saving the skeleton from its imaginary fiery demise, although his gaze remains steady on the camper. But then, Maddie calls him 'Keene', and he blinks. "Wait. What?" There's a frown and a wave of his hand. The flames disappear like they were never there. Because they weren't, of course."Okay. First, I'm not that asshole. Second? Let's talk, shall we? Or," he gestures, and a big stone hand appears to come out of the ground and grip poor, abused Jimmy in its heavy, bone-crushing fingers. "...the skeleton gets it."

Are they going to fall for this? He watches them carefully, because really, it could go either way at this point.

The flames may never have been there, but that doesn't mean that Duncan and Jimmy haven't both fallen out of the passenger door. The skeleton is getting badly abused, and Duncan is sobbing into his hands while he watches his buddy burn. Then stop burning. Then get threatened with further damage. Much like Popeye, "I've had all I can stand, and I can't stand no more!" He pushes to his feet hurriedly, very clearly NOT listening to Alexander.

Fortunately, Duncan is an incompetent mess all around, so when he charges at Alexander, shoulder dropped, full ramming speed achieved? He winds up veering too wide left, so all Alexander has to do is sidestep and this idiot will go sprawling.

"Isn't it bad enough you had his flesh EATEN from his BONES? Now you have to burn him, too?! Stop this madness, Keene, stop it!" Maddie cries out, her acting chops making this particularly an emotional moment, until the fire suddenly stops. She hits the ground on her knees beside Jimmy, who clatters to the ground as just a pile of normal bones, gathering up her friend in her arms and cradling him as she looks up imploringly at Alexander. She should probably tell Duncan to stop before he throws himself at Alexander, but she doesn't. She instead lets him launch himself forward, and just before he goes sprawling, she says in her best authoritative voice:

"Duncan, no! Let's do this diplomatically."

It is of course amazingly successful, while Maddie keeps the bones of Jimmy in her arms and rocks him back and forth. This girl should be on TV. "This town isn't big enough for two actors, Keene," she says firmly, matter-of-factly. She does not count Duncan in the count. "I know what you're up to and I won't let you do it anymore!"

Alexander sidesteps as Duncan comes charging at him, moving to try and keep both of them in sight, and backing up a little as Duncan goes sprawling. He doesn't even help him along in that. Instead, a flash of guilt spasms across his face at the affecting drama Maddie is playing out with the bones, and he sighs heavily, his hands coming up and his shoulders dropping down. His voice softens. "I'm not an actor. I'm not Keene. Keene's head got set on fire. I'm not your enemy, and I don't want to hurt you." A pause. "I'd appreciate if you stopped trying to kill me."

Duncan, no! Let's do this diplomatically! <-- Things Duncan wish Maddie would say before he tries to tackle someone and winds up crashing into the exterior of his trailer, shoulder-first, leaving him going, "Ooooowww." But at least her command performance stops him from doubling back around, fists up, and just leaves him sliding down the trailer, sitting in the dirt next to the wheel. "I'd appreciate if you apologized for making the veiltures eat our buddy," he grouses sullenly. "Look at what you did to Maddie! LOOK HOW SAD SHE IS!" He forgets he's supposed to be diplomatic and throws some rocks at Alexander.

Enh. About half of the gravelly rocks hit him.

Yes, look at how sad Maddie is. She cries beautifully, actually, tears expertly sliding down her cheeks. This is not a girl who ugly cries ever; she just weeps for the loss of her friend and exudes desire to protect what's left of the bones, what's left of Duncan, perhaps this entire town!

But Alexander says he is not Keene, and so she delicately sniffles and wipes a few tears away, gently laying Jimmy back down upon the ground. "If you're not Keene, then prove it to me. To us!" she sits up straighter, her attention wholly on Alexander now. She'll make sure Duncan's okay later. But how can Alexander prove he's not somebody? Don't worry, Maddie's got a plan for that:

"Speak a few lines from the Cursed Play," Macbeth, obviously. "Keene can't resist an opportunity to show his acting prowess!"

"I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do," Alexander mutters, rubbing at his face. "Duncan, I had nothing to do with your friend's," a glance at the skeleton, "flesh being eaten by veiltures. Whatever those are." And then Maddie is crying.

Alexander recoils a little, hand flailing. "Stop. Stop that. Please stop crying. I'll uh, sure. MacBeth, right? Um, um, shit -" his mind casts back to high school English. "Um - Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more." He doesn't try to be dramatic at all. He just looks pleased to have remembered it. "Right?"

Confused Duncan is confused. Not about the veilture thing - he knows you know, Alexander, don't bother fibbing. No, his brows get to knitting hard when Alexander starts spouting the bard, leaving him looking up and over between Maddie and Alexander, Maddie and Alexander. He really needs some sort of cue from Maddie about how to play this, 'cause "Wait. Does that mean...?" He scratches the side of his head, frowning and mumbling to himself something about how they really should've tried harder to figure out that blood test, he's pretty sure something something something.

Maddie waits, a ball of nervous energy - she looks like she's ready to spring into action at any moment, leap onto Alexander, and tear this sleeve off of him to reveal the real Keene underneath. But then Alexander blubbers out the line, which causes Maddie to lean back, her gaze hard. She was studying him, seeking something, and it comes with a blink of her eyes.

"It's not him," she murmurs to Duncan, quiet at first, and then again with honest frustration. "It's not him!" her fists ball up and she shoves at the ground, climbing to her feet. "God dammit, how can we have gotten this far and still be so far away?!" And though she shakes her fist to the sky, this is not an act. She's clearly upset. But she turns on Alexander afterward, pointing a finger accusingly at him.

"You'll tell me where they went! Where have they been hiding? They came here and they aren't here anymore, there's no trace of any of them! People don't just disappear, not when you know how to find them!"

"Was it really that bad?" he wonders at himself, at the way their attitudes change when he recites the line. "I realize I'm not an actor, but I got the line right. I'm pretty sure. Do you know how hard it is to remember shit from high school?" Focus, Alexander. He clears his throat when Maddie points accusingly at him. He opens his mouth. He closes his mouth. Then he says, bluntly, "The actors are dead. Most of them. They tried to ambush a group of us at a play, and we killed them. Keene is dead. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not, really...and if you were trying to kill him, I bet you aren't, either."

Even so, his tension rises again, just in case he's wrong about that.

There may be some (incorrectly aimed) soul-deep hatred going on, but Duncan is being honestly objective when he tells Alexander, "I mean, it wasn't good?" He squints apologetically up at the guy, sorry to have to give him a bad review, even to the point that he nods about remembering high school stuff. Oh but! "I still remember the combination to my locker." He's pretty proud of that.

For what it's worth. Since he's digesting the bluntly worded end of, like, his entire life's mission. "That sucks." He looks sadly across at the pile of Jimmy over there. "Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like that's a pretty good cover story," and that feeling is going to ramp up quickly so let's just make him stop and give Maddie a chance.

"You were terrible," Maddie is an actress, not a theater critic. So Alexander gets blunt honesty there. "And that's not even Keene's favorite line, and.." There was probably a list of reasons why she is now positively, absolutely certain that Alexander is who he says he is (nevermind that she was positively, absolutely certain he was Keene, that was a whole five seconds ago!), but Maddie doesn't go into it. Mostly because Alexander explains what happened to the theater troupe, and she is struck with silence.

There's a mix of emotion on her face. It's really difficult to say if she was happy or full of sorrow, or bitter and resentful. Perhaps it's all of the above. "I think he's telling the truth," Maddie says to Duncan, stepping over to him to put her hand on his shoulder as though she were trying to console him. "He's really dead? That seems.." she breathes out. "Impossible. He is a force of nature!" And she doesn't really mean that in a complimentary sort of way. "He must have tricked you. He must be still hiding among you! We just haven't found the right sleeve." A beat, and she looks hard at Alexander. "You have to help us find the right sleeve! There's no way in hell he was defeated by a bunch of .." sorry. "Townies. We have to find him! We have to feed him to the Veiltures, it's the only way to get back at him for what he did to Jimmy."

Alexander scuffs his foot at Duncan's words, frowning. "I'm a better singer," he claims, a bit defensively. "I don't even like Shakespeare." He stops himself before he starts claiming that he could totally act if he really wanted to. Because. No. He really can't. And Maddie makes it worse. His fingers twitch down to his pants and he sort of taps out a rhythm on his thighs.

And then Maddie continues, and he grimaces. "I am...reasonably certain he is dead, Madeline. Someone set his head on fire, and it burned," a pause, "extensively. If it makes you feel better - I'm sure it was very painful." He doesn't seem offended by the 'townies', but he does say, quietly, "Gray Harbor is not the usual sort of town. If you want to go looking for someone...one of them did survive. I don't know where she is now, but I'd like to find her. You could help me look for her."

Dragging his back up the wall of the camper, Duncan scrapes himself off the ground and stands, making it easier for Maddie to reach his shoulder. He takes the pat for what it's worth, nodding agreement about whether or not Alexander is telling the truth - though it's less that Duncan agrees and more that he just believes whatever Maddie tells him to believe, it makes his life surprisingly simple - and goes over to pick up Jimmy. "Okay, but he's a really REALLY good actor. So maybe he was just - " Hold on. He's trying to get Jimmy's leg bone to stop being stuck through the inside of his rib-cage. " - acting like his head is on fire - " His brutal attempts to fix Jimmy break a couple toe-bones loose; the force with which they pop free makes them sail through the air. But it's okay, because they're finger-bones anyway. " - but really it wasn't on fire."

Beaming, "Like what you did a minute ago! Can you hand me those toes, please?" NB: they're finger-bones, not toe-bones, but Jimmy is not put together correctly.

Maddie musters a smile for Duncan, she even pecks him on the cheek when he suggests that Keene could be acting like his head was on fire. "I agree," she says happily, like she's just so proud that Duncan had the same thought she did. But it's happiness that is short lived as she hones back in on Alexander, brows climbing as she listens to him. "Which one survived? Polly?" There may be just a note of hope there, it's hard to say.

There's a pained look on Alexander's face as Duncan wrestles with the skeleton. "I'm quite certain it was actually on fire." Maybe there's some doubt lurking in the back of his brain NOW, but he's absolutely certain he doesn't want these two going around trying to 'demask' Keene and killing some poor sap, so his voice is very firm. He goes to collect the 'toe' bones, then - caaaarefully - sidle his way over to Duncan, and stay just out of reach. "These bones are in the wrong place." And it bothers him every single time he looks at the skeleton. "Could I, perhaps, help you put him together correctly one day?" Either way, the bones are offered over, although if Duncan reaches for them, he'll try to hand them over in a way where there is no touching. A shake of his head given to Maddie. "No. Uh. I think she called herself Megan?"

After a long moment of silence. "Which one was Polly?"

"I'm quite certain Jimmy was actually on fire!" Duncan has to drop Jimmy (who clatters unceremoniously to the ground) in order to snatch the toe- finger-bones out of Alexander's hand, sniffing at him importantly. "And he clearly wasn't, so that pretty much means you're definitely wrong and Keene was pretending and is still out there somewhere, feeding perfectly harmless costume-stealers to monsters." Which isn't to say he wouldn't take help putting Jimmy back together again the right way, though he doesn't answer to that immediately. Right now, he's putting the bones on the ends of his fingers, matching them up like their size relative to the size of his own finger-bones proves something.

He's frowning about this when he comments, distractedly, "Polly was not Megan and not Sarah. Hey Maddie, do you think these are finger-bones or toe-bones?" He picks up Jimmy by the ankle and drags him over so Maddie can look better at the whole bony package. "And where's our hot glue gun at?"

Maddie flinches when Jimmy's dropped, sneakered feet shuffling that-a-way so she can stand protectively beside Duncan. Just in case Alexander had any ideas. At least it means Duncan doesn't have to drag Jimmy over to her in such an undignified manner! "Polly is like me," she explains, lips curving into a subtle frown as she assesses the bones, shrugging at Duncan. Were they finger bones or toe bones? "Does it matter? I don't think Jimmy's using them either way. Not anymore."

Sniff.

But then she swings another look at Alexander, crossing her arms over her chest. "Megan is a bitch. With her creepy mind powers, mkaing you feel stuff," watch her shudder and glare at Alexander simultaneously. "We'll find her and we'll feed her to the Veiltures, too." There's a small pause as she thinks, then finally decides: "Together. We'll do it together. As friends. Since you aren't Keene."

"Yeah, but you're as good at seeing through illusions as I am at acting," Alexander says, without malice. Even if maybe it does give him a small amount of pleasure to be able to 'review' them in the same way. He watches Duncan with open fascination. "Finger bones," he supplies helpfully. "And if I were a skeleton, I'd want to be put together properly." That to Maddie.

He doesn't flinch at 'creepy mind stuff' but the idea of feeding people to things... well. "We can find her together, but let's hear what she has to say before making any final decisions. People can change." A careful study of the other two.

"Does it matter? Does it matter?!" Duncan shakes his finger - wait, first he stuffs whatever bones that are in his fist into his pocket (dropping at least one of them in the dirt). Then Duncan shakes his finger at Maddie. "Of course it matters, Maddie! If you were a skeleton," he swings that pointing finger around to Alexander, "you'd want to be put together properly! No skin left, just bones and sunglasses and a hat, and 'does it matter,' she asks! That's the trouble with the world today - " He continues this tirade while he stomps into the camper, making all kinds of noise in there and repeating the term "hot glue gun" several times. Also, huge laughter bounces around in there - right around the time that Alexander is suggesting they hear out Megan the Mentalist, though it's possible the two are unrelated.

"Don't you yell at me, Duncan Thomas Fletcher," Yes, you heard it here folks. Duncan's initials are D.T.F. But he will most certainly not get the F with the current attitude he's throwing around at Maddie, if her heated glare in his direction is any indication. "He hasn't complained in however long, I don't know why it matters now! HMPH!" She flips her hair over her shoulder, turns her back on Duncan, and completely ignores his request for a hot glue gun. To Alexander: "So will you help us find Megan or what? We can 'hear her out'," yes, there are air quotes. "When we find her. But I guarantee you it will be easier to 'hear her out'," more air quotes, "When her skin is completely gone from her body and she's just a pile of bones that can't do creepy mind shit into your BRAIN."

Alexander sticks his hands in his pockets and watches the two of them interact with a tiny smile playing over his lips. They're adorable. Murderous, but adorable. At Maddie's question, he thinks for a moment then nods, once. "I'll help you. Yes." He figures they can have the murder argument later. Nothing can go wrong with this alliance. He lifts his voice to reach Duncan, "And if you want to, ah, reorder Jimmy, just let me know." A blink, and he draws another paperback book from his pocket, offering it to Maddie. "Trade you?" A tilt of the head toward the book on the pole.

In among him talking about how the world went wrong because of something to do with bones and HE FOUND THE GLUE GUN, Duncan also says, "Sorry, sorry, sorry for yelling." He comes out of the trailer in time to nod agreeably with Maddie's last point, chiming in helpfully, "Oh, so much better. Pretty sure skeleton-Megan is a lot safer than regular-Megan. For us." He catches Jimmy up around his middle this time, so as not to keep dragging him around, kisses Maddie on her cheek, and starts back into the trailer with a quick glance at the book Alexander is offering. "Uhhh, if there are any pictures of vultures with heads that look a little like yours," Alexander, "then I don't know how they got there."

He smiles and takes Jimmy inside where the glue gun is. But pops his head back out after a second to clarify, "In your other book, I mean, the one we kept as bait. If there are pictures of vultures with your face in that new book, that'd be really weird. Shit, don't touch that!" Considering he disappears back inside the trailer, he's probably talking to Jimmy, not you guys.

"You're lucky I'm a nice person," this is said to Alexander, but she means it for Duncan as well, not even leaning when he comes to kiss her cheek. Oh no sir, HE has to come to HER. But then she smiles, pats him on the cheek, and lets him go about his business. As for Alexander, scroll back to the thing she just said. "That isn't your book," a finger extends to the book being suspended by the fishing pole. "I didn't want to put it out. Just in case you had ways of getting it down." At least that means there's no wires hot glued to his book cover?

She peers at the cover of the book he's dangling her way, accepting it after a moment. No touchy. Then she skips off to the trailer and disappears inside. "DUNCAN! That's not how you hold a hot glue gun! You're going to burn your crotch again!" she can be heard fussing before she finally returns, exasperated, and extends Alexander's book out to him. "Here. Consider this a truce."

"Vultures with my face? Uh. Fascinating." Alexander heaves a sigh, and tries to smile at Duncan. "Well. I suspect you did have something to do with any theoretical vultures, but it's okay. This time." As Duncan goes back in, he gives Maddie a look and murmurs, "Please don't let him draw in this one?" His eyebrow goes up at the confession of the CLEVER RUSE. He smiles. And if it seems a little surprised, hopefully it can be forgiven.

The book is given over, and he waits patiently, although not easily, for Maddie's return. God only knows what they're hiding in there, and how much of it was built to kill him. But when she returns, he takes the book. "Truce," he agrees. He doesn't offer to shake on it. "I'll compile what I know and get back to you." With that, he turns and starts slouching away.

Fine, Duncan won't draw in the book. But that's your loss, Alexander Clayton! His pictures are amazing.

"MADDIE HELP!" Crotch-fires are the worst. 🙁

"He's a very talented artist," Maddie says proudly of Duncan, and there's affection in her eyes when she looks back to the trailer. Affection that rapidly turns into dismay at the shouting. "See you next time, Alexander Clayton!" she shouts, and then rushes back inside the camper.

"OH MY GOD HOW'D YOU STICK THAT TO THERE?!" she can be heard shouting.

Don't ask how Maddie puts out the crotch fire. The world isn't ready.