2019-09-17 - The Wall

Declan's back at his house after work.

It's around five in the evening, and he's just gotten home. His pants are a little muddy, and there's some paint on his arms. Boots off, he sits outside his house near the hose so that he can scrub the paint, and mud, off. Unlike last time, he's not moving as fast. The front door is left open, even though he's outside, and the television is on. His phone rests on the bar inside.

Dahlia is dreading this. She has been dreading it. Despite the bit of a pep talk from Justin, she's right back to expecting the worst. She looks worse too, since the last time he saw her. The weight loss is more noticeable, primarily in her face. It probably doesn't help that she looks like she hasn't slept properly in a week or more. Clad simply in a pair of jeans and a black tank top. Try hard to keep it together.

Dahlia walks into the house, taking a sweeping look around and then follows the sound of the hose. And comes to a stop near where he's sitting. She doesn't say anything. Not yet. Just watches him, stuffing her hands in her pockets. Trying to mentally prepare herself.

Declan keeps washing his arms, scratching, until most of the paint is flecked off. He shakes his hands, wipes at his arms, and stands up straight with a sigh. He's probably going to be late. Declan hates being late. "God damnit." Moving to the spout, he twists it off before catching sight of the shadow in his yard. It's a nice yard, too. Grass is well cared for. Shrubs, a tree in the front yard. Declan probably cares for it all himself. Somehow, he has time. "Oh, hey," he smiles at her. "How long have you been standing there?" He shakes his arms again, still not noticing the loss in weight. "Let's go inside. I need to dry all this off."

Dahlia watches him, heart nearly leaping into her throat from how nervous she was feeling. But, his smile does make her smile a little. "Not too long." She assures him, casting her gaze around the backyard and then nodded. "Seems like a busy day huh?" Moving to walk back inside with him.

"Good." Declan walks on, bumping her shoulder as he goes, and tugs his shirt off when he reaches the front door. It's set down, and his jeans go off next. He picks them up and heads for the washer. Both get dumped in while he says, "Yeah, sort of. Not too bad. Just dropped a damn roller on my arm. So, you wanted to talk? Get the door and grab a seat? Let me get some clean clothes on. So tired of the smell of paint." In goes the soap before the machine gets started.

Dahlia is trying to pay attention to what he's saying, and she is listening but there's so many other things running through her mind. She started to zone out but blinked quickly and nodded. "Right. Talk Yeah. Talking." She tried to muster up a smile before turning to walk over to the front door and close it. She could feel a sneeze welling up, just a small one really, but it came and went and...yeah. There was a little blood.

She quickly moved to the kitchen to grab a couple paper towels. This was a little new...the nose bleeding. She leaned up against the counter, head tilted forward to encourage the blood to drain out. Shutting her eyes and hoping it finished before Declan finished changing. Damn him not having the bedroom separated from the rest of the house.

Declan turns and watches her move for the kitchen and a towel. He frowns for a moment, gears turning slowly in his tired mind. For the moment, he ignores them and walks to his dresser. An old shirt and crappy shorts get pulled on before he wanders back and wraps hands around her shoulders. "I'll get you some kleenex." Kissing her head, he moves to a box, pulls two free, and hands them over. "Fall allergies," he says with a small smile, lingering nearby. "Are a bitch." He smiles, and the free hand goes back to rubbing one of her arms. "Not very common, though." Up close, still smiling, his eyes linger on her face. It's not obvious when he notices her cheek bones, sunken cheeks, how tired she looks... He's given her the same expression a good three dozen times.

Dahlia nods a little when he says he's going to get the Kleenex. She swaps the paper towels for the tissue, leaning into his touch. What was better to start with? With Justin it had been Javier and then drugs...but...she's not so sure if that's the best way this time. Drugs first maybe. To help explain what led to her actions...yeah. She can feel the lump in her throat, but at least the nosebleed has stopped. For now.

"Because it's..." She starts, moving away to throw away the tissues and paper towels. "It's not. It's not allergies Declan." There's a tremor in her voice. God damnit. Why is it so difficult to admit to this? Dahlia moved back over to him, resuming her lean against the counter. Trying to focus on his eyes, his face. Rubbing at her forehead a minute. It was on the tip of her tongue. It just. Didn't want to come out. Because as soon as she said it...she didn't know what was going to happen.

Drawing in a slow, deep breath. "...I have a drug problem Declan." Hands gripping the counter like a vice.

Declan waits, still smiling. He's seen it before, but virtually all of him hopes... it's not this.

What she says drops like a semi falling off a bridge. He swallows, breaking his composure for a moment, and the smile becomes a little more gentle. "Yeah, I... wondered." The hand stays on her arm and squeezes. He takes one step closer. "I assume you want to talk about it. If you need... money," why would she need money? Her friends are loaded. "We can talk about that, too. Go ahead. Wherever you want to start." He pulls close so that she can't see his face. The expression falters, sours, and his eyes close. Declan says nothing else.

Now, Dahlia's never had an addiction before. Not like this. And so she isn't really sure what she was expecting. Except....she's pretty sure she wasn't expecting him to offer her money to feed the habit. She goes kind of tense in his embrace, internally wresting with a sudden surge of negatively-based emotions. Resisting the urge to shove him away from her and just make things worse.

Her head tilted forward, resting on his shoulder. "I don't know what to say." It's honest at least. "It just...kind of happened. Why does everyone keep acting like I don't...and won't want to kick it?" The question isn't quiet accusatory. And 'everyone' is a broad term because she's only told Justin and now him. "It's ruining me. It almost made me really fuck up...well. Contributed to it. I don't want to deal with it anymore."

"I never said that," Declan replies, scowling over at the wall. Despite his expression, he squeezes her tight. "I told you to start where you wanted. If that's... beating the habit, then that's where we start. And you need money for that. Unless you're talking cold turkey." He kisses the top of her head. "I'll help." He opens his mouth to say more, then... stops. "I'll help. I've never helped someone through a drug addiction before, though." A hand goes into her hair and massages quietly. "Is it... coke? Or heroine?" he asks, trying not to sound too nervous. "Fuck up?" Declan's expression shifts again, moving to one of concern.

And then Dahlia immediately feels bad. For thinking Declan was offering money to keep the habit. God she was an asshole. Her skin has a light flush to it and she slowly brings her hands up to rest on his sides. "It's coke." She murmurs. "I don't know, rehabs are expensive...I...I dunno if I need a rehab. I think I can try cold turkey..." And she didn't want him OR Justin shelling out money to pay for rehab services because she was stubborn and prideful.

She draws in another breath. "I...wasn't in a great frame of mind...and Javier found me wandering. I didn't want to go home. I didn't what you or Justin or anyone else to see me like that..." Apparently it all is just going to start coming out. "I was an idiot. I told him to take me to his motel instead of home. But. nothing happened. Nothing...major." She pulled back a bit so she could look at him. "I had, some coke. In my purse. He was asking because I kept looking at my purse I guess. So I kissed him. To distract him from asking" There's another tremor in her voice. "And I feel so fucking awful about it Declan. It was just a few seconds and then, he took me home but I-"She stops talking because she's getting choked up.

Clearly she's more concerned about how he's going to react to this than the stuff about the drugs.

Declan frowns as he listens to the story. "Okay, well... coke is easier, I think. Look, I can help you cold turkey. But I need awhile to read about it. Couple days, at least." The hand in her hair slides higher. "So that we can make sure you're safe. And have what you need. But... we should have a hard conversation before you try, Dahlia. We can do it later."

Declan swallows when he hears the rest. He clears his throat. "Look..." Declan thinks it over. "You aren't," he stops talking and closes his eyes, taking a breath as he does. "It doesn't even sound... that bad." He leans back, looking down at her. "Given... the coke," he gestures, "I get it. Plus, all the other shit you guys went through, I get it. Relationships are really difficult." He takes a step back, kisses her forehead, and leans up against the counter. "Sorry, this is a lot, Dahlia." He rubs his forehead. "Talking about your ex right now isn't going to help anything, though. It's fine, though, alright? Let's just... focus on the drugs. Then we'll deal with the next hurdle. One, then the other."

A hard conversation. Everything about this was fucking hard. Dahlia feels a little frustrated but, that's natural. She figures at least. Hopefully. "I know it is." Of course it's a lot. She's just waiting for him to show her the door. Because why on earth would he want to stay with her? She swallows hard. "Research. Yes. That makes sense." It isn't fine. None of this is fine. Why was he being so fucking nice.

Because he's a decent human being Dahl. Unlike yourself. So shut the fuck up and listen.

"Drugs first."

Now. Dahlia doesn't seem aware of it, but Declan would feel and odd sort of sensation touch his mind. And the feeling of metal chains brushing against his skin, and a fleeting feeling on intense self-loathing. And know that somehow it's from Dahlia. Though, by the look in her downcast eyes, it's not too hard to see anyhow.

"Just two days. Once I read enough... so that I know what to do if shit hits the fan, then yes. I'm there." It's a promise. Declan takes a deep breath, then scratches his neck. One step, then the next. First step: "After we get you clean, then what? Or have you tho-" he feels it.

It's not the first time. Declan doesn't really have words for what it is. He's not in the know. But he's had the sense before. Several times. He frowns. His next words come slowly. "Dahlia. Don't... do that." He stands straight. "Maybe..." no, that's not right, either. His breath catches. "Do you want to ask me something? Do you..." the feeling of self-loathing lingers. He has a strong back, but all of this... really is a lot. A whole lot. "Shit. I'm sorry, baby." He never calls her that. "I need a second." He turns and walks for the sink, grabs a glass, and pours a glass of water. Head lowered, he focuses and takes a long drink when the glass is full. "Just a second," he promises. The other hand rests on the counter, and he grips it tight.

Doing his best to remain calm, he takes a deep breath, clears his throat, and tilts his head back. "Dahlia, don't do that thing on me again. Not right now, anyway. If you want to know something, just ask me."

Dahlia starts to look up, perhaps to answer- but then Declan goes all...weird. She clearly looks perplexed. "...I didn't do anything." Right? She had just been standing her trying and failing not to let he negative emotions flood her. I'm sorry baby....Don't lie to me, bebe. A shiver runs up her spine as Declan's words stir up a memory from the other night with Javier. She draws in a sharp breath, studying Declan for a moment while he copes with...what?

"I don't know what you're talking about Declan." Dahlia said sincerely. She's sort of in the know but really hasn't tried testing if she has any ability. "But uh, I'll try not to?" She doesn't know what she did. She's pretty sure she didn't do anything but if it'll make him feel better in this mess...

Dahlia just shakes her head. "I haven't thought about it. What comes after. I can't stop working at the Cabaret. But, maybe I can have some people keep an eye out for me." There's a lingering pause. "Why are you being so understanding?...so nice?" Well he did say to ask right? And she's not complaining about it. She's just confused. Because everything inside of her is screaming that he should be kicking her to curb.

Declan's eyebrow raises when she says she didn't do anything. His lips become a thin line. "Alright," he says easily. Maybe she really doesn't. In the past, he did it by mistake, too. It's... "Nothing, forget it. I just thought I felt something." Declan shakes his head. "No big deal."

Despite what he says, Declan remains where he is. Watching her quietly, lips still a thin line. After her question, he smirks for a moment and almost rolls his eyes. Almost. They do tilt towards the ceiling before focusing on her again.

"Because it's the right thing to do, Dahlia. When your friend shows up at your door and asks for help, regardless of how you feel about them, you give them a hand." Declan shrugs. "I wouldn't say I'm understanding. I don't know why, I don't have answers. I don't even get why you'd start snorting shit up your nose in the first place. Not yet, anyway." He pauses. "But you told me yourself you didn't want me to just be a bed and a guy you saw on the side. You wanted something more than that. So do I, that's why I said yes. And that does mean standing beside you when things are tough."

He looks down at the floor. "I admit, I didn't really picture this. But I know I can help you get clean," at least once, "and then we can go from there." Declan looks back up.

Dahlia is silent. Letting his words sink in before she focused on the floor again. "It was just to try and...gain some trust. It was only supposed to be once or twice." Dahlia offered up finally. "And it just. Got out of control." It was stupid,reckless. Dahlia knew all this.

She drew in another breath. "You're right. I do. I meant it when I said I wanted more. I'm sorry. I just." Dahlia shook her head. She didn't know what. "...one step at a time. Research. And getting clean and...going from there."

"I see." The words are pretty quiet, spoken without much emotion. His dark eyes turn for a moment, looking to the wall, before glancing back.

Declan breathes a deep sigh. "Okay." He gestures, beckoning her closer. "Come here." Taking a few steps forward, Declan will wrap her in another hug if she allows it. Warm and strong, his hands will settle on her back. "I know, Dahlia. I get it. It's why we talk it through and don't just drink or fuck the problems away." Even if, yeah, that'd be a whole lot easier at the moment.

It would be so much easier. She knew it was easier. That's all she and Javier did. Fuck their problems away. And she desperately wanted to do that now. For Declan to just shove her up against the wall and fuck her until neither of them remembered what was wrong to begin with.

Dahlia exhaled a shake breath as he wrapped her up again. And this time she just started crying. Burying her face in his chest and gripping his shirt. Just letting out all the pent up emotions she was feeling.

Declan gently pets her back with one hand, and the other goes up into her hair.

Quiet for a long time, he doesn't shush her crying, tell her it's going to be okay, or encourage her to stop. Instead, he remains where he is, thinking about what to say or do next. It must not be a decision the comes easily. "Coming here was really brave," is what he settles on. "Talking... like this. It's. I know you feel like shit right now. I've cheated before, too. Way worse than what you told me. The girlfriend kicked me out. I thought it's what I needed, what I deserved." A hand gently strokes against her hair. "It wasn't. If your relationship can't take at least one hit like that, it's never going to last anyway. So, thanks for coming here. Thanks for trusting. And yeah."

He finally pulls away, but his hands still remain where they are, "We'll try to get through it."

Dahlia's body trembles from the tears. Slowly,she's able to get a hold of herself. Rein the tears in as he starts speaking. Breathing coming in quick, shallow hits as she tries to calm down. She looks up at Declan with those wide, green, red-rimmed eyes, wiping at them some and sniffled. "I...I didn't know...how you would react. Justin said. H-h-he said it was import-tant. To tell you. To give you a c-c-chance..." She looked down again a little. "I don't want to hurt you. " Squeezing her eyes shut for a minute. Collecting herself a little more and then refocusing on him.

"Whatever it takes. I...I want to get better. And I want us to work it out."

"You can't going to hurt me," Declan replies.

He wipes her eyes with his thumb, then his forefinger. "And yeah. He's right. It's... important. Still brave, though. Really." Giving her arms one more squeeze, Declan tilts his head towards the living room. "We'll try, Dahlia. One step at a time, remember? There's a big wall in front of us. We aren't going to know what's on the other side until you get sober. But hey," he smiles. Finally. "When we do make it over, I'll still be there."

Dahlia nods quietly, trying hard not to feel like that wall is going to crush them into oblivion instead of them climbing over it. She leans in to his touch just a bit, looking towards the living room. Will he be there? Will they be able to make things okay? She idly thinks about the pillows-in-the-making sitting in her craft room. She can picture the finished product. Sea foam green on one side, dark blue on the other. She was going to emboss a pretty 'D' on to each one and they were the perfect size for either relaxing on the couch or sleeping in the bed. And Dahlia wants to cry all over again, but she pulls it together and allows a little smile to him. Giving his hand a squeeze. "One step at a time."

"Yep."

Declan turns a little and wraps an arm around her shoulder. He guides her to the sofa, saying, "Let me get you some coffee and something to eat. Then, we'll start that research." He lets her go when the reach the couch, then turns back for the pantry. "Have you thought about where you want to do it? Get sober, I mean." Declan glances over his shoulder. "Or who you want there?"

"Coffee sounds good." Dahlia curls up on the couch, hugging her knees to her chest. Staring at the TV, at whatever was playing. Thinking over Declan's questions. "...Not really." She admits. "Just not the trailer...as for people." She shrugs. "I know it's going to be really shitty so in all honesty, I don't want anyone seeing me like that. But I know I can't be alone totally for it. There really aren't many people at all I would trust though. Besides you and Justin."

Declan flicks the coffee pot back on so that it will warm up. Next, he goes back to the pantry, pulls out some nutella and cheap bread, and walks to the counter. The spread is wiped over the bread with a knife, slowly. Once three slices are done, he puts them on plates. The TV is turned to FX, and is playing some censored movie.

"We can do it here. I mean... you can, sorry." Declan shakes his head. "Maybe we should wait to decide on that until after the research, but." He looks up as he works. "I know I can keep you comfortable here. There aren't stairs to run up and down. You said it felt more like a home..." he shrugs. There's a lot left unsaid, but he moves on quickly. "When you do it, yeah. I want to be there. I'll reach out to Justin beforehand. We can all talk, if you want, and if he wants to help. Or if you decide I shouldn't," he shrugs, "that's fine, too. But I think I can help." Declan walks over and sets the bread down, then goes back to check on the coffee.

Dahlia relaxed into the couch, closing her eyes as she listened to Declan talk. Even if they were talking about things that weren't so easy, his voice was soothing. "We'll wait." She agreed. "Until we've done some research but...here would be good. I think." She opened her eyes when she heard the plate being set down. She reaches up to take his hand briefly before he goes to check on the coffee. "I want you to help." And then lets him go and curls back up again. Between him and Justin she would likely be just fine. Right? Maybe.

Declan smiles at her when she takes his hand. "Then I will."

He soon goes for the coffee. It's poured, fairly warm, and he makes it how she likes it. Declan has a good memory for that sort of thing - he's done it for years. Turning back, he sets her cup down and sips from his own. Seated, he gets a tablet out and turns to Google. "So." So. "You think Javier would have busted you if he found it?" He looks up. "That'd have been one way to get sober. Shitty way, but."

Dahlia wrapped her hands around the mug of coffee, 'Thank you." She murmured, just holding it - letting it warm her hands. The question catches her off guard. "Honestly? I don't know." She exhale in a soft blowing into the cup to cool it off a little before taking a sip. "He probably would've kept it for himself." She muttered, as if thinking about something else. "He would've been upset with me." She looks over towards him. "I know that much."

Declan sips his before setting it down. As she talks, he starts the research. Cold turkey, coke. One page is skimmed... he winces. Back button. Scratching his cheek, Declan looks over at his girlfriend. "It's hard to avoid those gut reactions. Anyway. You think he does drugs?" Declan's head tilts. "The more I hear about your ex, the more I really don't like him." Turning back, he tries to read the next page... it says the same shit as the first, or close to. It's met with a sigh. Declan hands it over so that she can look. "How... long have you been on it? And how much? This says if you're too dependent, it can really fuck you up. As in, trip to the E.R."

"He...Javier's a complicated man." Dahlia decided, setting her coffee down and picking up one of the pieces of Nutella Bread. She doesn't answer about whether he does drugs or not. "He's not...a bad guy. He's just an asshole." But he was always there for her when she fell, except for the last time. When things exploded and they were over. She is trying hard not to peek at the research because she honestly doesn't want to know. It will just psych her out.

"Uhm..." Thinking. "It feels like longer...but...end of July, beginning of August..." Dahlia says finally. "That, uh. That isn't too long right?"

Declan pulls the tablet back and keeps reading, then. Next page.

"Sure. I know what you mean. He'd give someone a hand, but he'd make fun of them the whole time. He'd date you, put energy into it, but only if the sex was good." Declan wipes at his lip. Declan's met a lot of people like that... sometimes, he is like that. He takes a deep breath. "I still don't like him very much." He looks at her. "Sorry." Declan turns back. "Okay... so." So. "What I'm reading says you can definitely try it cold turkey. It'll probably work." He sets the tablet down. "Shit gets flushed out of your system between two, maybe four days. But then, it can be pretty hard to... stay that way. As in, you might have to take a week off." Declan clears his throat. "And it's going to be stressful. Because... you aren't supposed to be left alone. And the people watching you," he sighs and gestures, "it's going to be annoying. We should probably write some rules, agree on them, unless you just trust Justin and me and don't care about us hovering."

Luckily for Declan, Dahlia was too drained to argue about her ex-lover. Instead she just focused on the FX movie and nibbled on her bread. Finally she looks back to him when he explained more about how it was going to be. "...Rules...might be good." She decided. "My sewing can keep me busy...and I'll let Graham and Antonio know I'll be out for a week or so." And hopefully Graham could double check the Wednesday pickup...something to worry about later. Not right now.

"I mean, I trust you guys...but, better to have some lines in the sand. We can all talk about them."

Declan grabs the tablet again and opens Notes. He takes a sip of coffee.

"I agree, really. I don't... want to piss you off or treat you like a kid. But at the same time, I want to make sure you have a real shot at beating this." He pulls out his phone and returns to one of the pages, then starts typing. "You'll definitely want time to yourself, your own privacy and free space. So, if we do it here, you can choose where you hang out. If you want to go back to Justin's, I'll drive you." He types that out. "But I think you have to trust us to check your stuff and room to make sure you don't have it stashed somewhere." Declan swallows, because that... really makes him nervous. He looks up at her. "What do you think? Or would you rather wait to hash it out?"

Nibble. Nibble. She sets the half eaten slice of bread on the plate and picks her coffee back up. "It's...a good start." Dahlia agreed. "I don't keep the drugs at the house. But you can search it. If it makes you feel better." Dahlia really only did it at the Cabaret. Occassionally after working at Firefly. She took another sip of coffee. "I think...right now...I'd like to try to sleep a little." She couldn't remember the last time she had a decent night's sleep.

Declan saves the file, puts the tablet aside, and nods. "Yeah, of course." He checks the time. It's still very, very early. Turning back, he leans over and kisses her cheek. "Sofa, or bed?" Bed's way more comfortable, but big and lonely. Sofa is squishy, but he could sit down by her feet. Smiling a little, he adds, "I'll grab you a blanket if you want to stay here."

Dahlia looked towards the bed and then back to Declan. "Sofa is good." Giving him a faint smile. It is super early, but she feels like at least some of the guilt and pressure has been lifted so...maybe she can actually catch some shut eye. And she wants to stay close to him. Leaning forward, she set her mug down. "And you'll be able to see me work on the pillows. " As she shifted and carefully started to stretch out.

Declan pats her leg. "Yeah, I can't wait. I'm um. Well, I really do look forward to those pillows." He grins. "I just need a second to step outside and call a few people, okay? Won't take me more than five minutes. Then I'll be back." He stands and drapes a blanket over her, rubs her leg, and gives her a brief kiss. "Promise." Declan stands straight.

"I hope you'll like them." Dahlia shifted a little more, settling and snuggling under the covers that he gave her. "Okay." To him having to call some people. She watches him walk off and exhaled softly. This was going to suck. But...maybe they'd make it over the wall after all. Or maybe that was just the coffee and nutella talking. By the time Declan would come back, she had fallen into a light sleep.

Declan steps outside, without shoes, taking his phone with him. The door gets shut quietly behind him.

Outside, he searches through contacts to find his aunt. Last call... a month ago. Ouch. He hits call anyway and raises the phone up to his ear. Ring, ring, ri- "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."
"Declan! It's been awhile. How's your new job going?"

It goes like that for three minutes. Until eventually he says, "Auntie, I need to know something."
"Sure. What's up?"
"How... how did you get mom sober.?
"... why?"
Declan looks up at the sky, not answering.
"You didn't. Tell me you didn't, Declan. I'm coming ove-"
"Not me, auntie."
"Is it your sister again? You can't help her, Declan. Only a clinic can."
"It's my girlfriend. The one I told you about. She... yeah. She started on coke. Fell in with the wrong people."

There's a sigh on the other end of the line. "That sucks, Dec."
"Yeah." Declan frowns and looks down at the ground. "So... mom. You. How'd you do it?"
His aunt is quiet on the other end of the line. "We tried five times." Ouch. That makes his breath shudder for a moment. "In the end, the only thing that worked was moving out of Gray Harbor and into the country. Away from you guys, memories of your dad, and... the town."
Declan's eyes close. "Yeah. Go on."
"She didn't want to let go. With your girl, it might be different. But, you're there for them. You watch them puke all over the floor and beg and shake. And then they seem to get a bit better, but that's the hardest part. Because they don't. At least, your mom didn't. Five days sober, she was back on the corners." She quiets for awhile. "You'll do great. So will she. Don't listen to me. You can help her kick this, Declan."
Declan rubs his eyes, sniffs, and nods a few times. "Thanks, auntie."
"Anytime... call me next week. I'll come by."

Once goodbyes are over, Declan hangs up and pockets his phone. He stares out towards the harbor, watching the sun sink, and takes a deep breath. He eventually turns and walks back inside his house, sits down at Dahlia's feet, and leans back against the cushion. He's lost two people to smack already, no way he's letting a third slip by. Glancing at her, Declan squeezes her leg once. No. Way.