2019-10-01 - Aftermath Bonds

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Miss Winslow. I think you have something of mine.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I believe I do, yes. Why do you keep jelly beans in your pocket like the Easter Bunny?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Do you take them out and ping kids with them? Also did you call Kim?

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : jelly beans? I didn't know those were in there. Who's Kim?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I ate the red ones and I haven't thrown them up yet, clearly you're carrying magic beans.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : The phone number lady from your pocket is Kim. I'm good, though, I didn't poke holes in your condom, having a baby momma named Kim sounds like an Eminem song waiting to happen.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Also, you've seen my tits now, you can call me Lilith if you want.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : oh. Right. Kim. She's not my baby momma. I'd also like my jacket back. Please.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I guess that can happen. Thanks for the loan, felt a little less vulnerable in terrorscape with something covering me up.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Seriously, though, now that I'm done deflecting with smartassery, you... okay? That was uh.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : De nada. Not that I minded the view, you know.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I'm fine. I'd have been less fine if we were stuck in that fucking room for much longer, but. Are you?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Yeah. It was scary and I'm scared it's going to keep happening with a fury while we're sick, but... not being alone helped a lot.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I can't... help but wonder how many of the bones might have been people like us, shifted and stuck and lost. Like the ones that disappear.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I've been trying not to think on it too hard.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : do you have someone you're staying with? Thorne?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I shouldn't be thinking on it, but my brain hates me.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Nah, he's sick too, staying at his place, has work.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I had talked to him and Isabella before the long sleep that... ended up taking me there. Which is why...

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Well, that's why I was wearing a gun to bed, but I didn't fever-think to prepare with actual shoes and clothes. I suspected there might be problems after hearing what happened with August.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : What happened with Roen? and are you safe?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : He apparently had a fever dream with no access to power he had to find a way out of, so it... made me prepared to some fiesty degree, thankfully. Rather have tits out and bare feet than have nothing to protect myself.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Heh. Safe. Hm. Yes, technically. But... you know, how these things go.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Isabella suspects this illness is unnatural.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I do know how these things go. And I'll check in with him, and make sure he and Alexander are all right.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I wouldn't be surprised. but nothing fucking surprises me anymore, in this shitty little town.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Apparently, when he was thinking it was an actual flu, he tried to heal Alexander of it and couldn't... budge it.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Did you try to use your powers at any point? Because it was true. I couldn't blast fire at the gathering of... things. I tried.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : interesting. maybe someone should see if Ms. Kosimar knows anything.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I.. didn't. No.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I prefer not to, in general, if it can be avoided though.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : August also apparently told Isabella that his powers here in the natural reality seem weaker too, which... I haven't exactly tested. I'm a little afraid to. It felt infuriating and... gummed up, not being able to do it in the waste.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I have a question, though. Don't take offense, I just... have kind of the same problem, so it's easier to recognize...

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : A question? What kind of question?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Your mind felt... a little like the way things rumble in me wanting to ruin and get out sometimes. Do you have trouble controlling the strength of your abilities?

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : (dancing dots, then nothing for a while)

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I apologise, again, for that.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Don't, it's nothing that can be helped, it makes more sense in retrospect. Just not accustomed to people in my head in general, so it jarred me and... well. I have fire inside it was stirring up too.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : I usually avoid.. communicating in that way, for that reason. And I'm aware. I tasted it.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : It's a duality kind of thing, isn't it? At least for me. It feels like heroin to ruin and let it out sometimes, the urges come up, my whole being can't really contain what I am without some outlet. It shakes and rattles. But I hate not being in control of it all the time, too, and it's dominated my whole life, the ways it comes out.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Even when I lived far away, I had urges I had to sate to lesser degrees, so I... get it.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : (no response for a long while)

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Yes. And I don't want to use it unless I can control it. Has it gotten easier for you?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Mm. Yes. And no. I was gone over ten years until Spring. I used to break things and kill plants all based on how I was feeling with constant slips or sleep nightmares. Then I broke Hank's arm once and ran away.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : This time around I know I'm more powerful and things still die and break when I get emotional and flash out, but at the same time, there's things I can control willingly better because I've absolutely... had to.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : The urges, though, they're always... there. Sometimes even through the times where it sickens me to remember what it feels like to reach into someone and flay them open. A person. But the violence of it is still so satisfying.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : It is.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Sometimes I wish I was a sociopath. Not feeling would be easier. Maybe more dangerous for others, but control might be easier too and the ones that hurt would be less likely to be the ones closer to me. But that's the problem with having wolves and fire and power inside, isn't it?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Can't help but feel a lot of certain ways.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : It's exhausting, being able to feel everything from everyone at all times. Particularly when you deal with the types of people I deal with. I wish I had something to just drown out the noise.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : not feeling would be.. much easier. Agreed.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I really... have trouble with my own thoughts and feelings, I can't much imagine accidentally drinking in things off of others. Does it happen a lot?

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : constantly. Unless I'm focused on blocking it out. Do your emotions.. amplify your abilities?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : They seem to. When I get angry or call something non-negotiable in my head and willingly lash out with what's inside, it's usually stunning. Now, if something comes out of me accidentally, it's a little snap flash hard or thankfully errant.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Healing, though... it's anxiety inducing. I don't like doing it, it's scary, not as familiar, people are so damn fragile when you know how to break them, you see that too and know it can go the other way. But I... have tricks I'm learning.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Like anchoring yourself with Thorne.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : When Byron is hurt, since I know how he's put together and we go back so long together... yes. He's my non-negotiable. I don't fear it when it's him I'm putting back together because I know how to make him right in the way I can see him and feel him.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : It's not just about the support of him standing there, I... proxy it, kind of. It's hard to explain.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : no, I think I understand.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : So while ruining things feels easy and good on a level I can't control, healing always feels strange and hard. But it... feels good in a different way, to do it. A witting way.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : It's something good about what I do to feel... a little proud of. It's life giving. Not ruining.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : two sides of the same coin, I suppose. I can't say the same for my abilities. I'm not sure I'd want that responsibility though.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : But there were consequences in a shadow dream from the sheer bulk and power of all the healing I did over a short span of time to bring people back from brink. I think I draw attention from bad things that way. Go figure. Can't really have anything nice to feel good about.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : How do you... block people out when you do it?

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Yes, Thorne told me about that.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : With difficulty. It's easier if..

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Never mind.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : Anyway. My jacket. When can I stop by to grab it?

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I was just wondering because I like to figure ticks out. It's hard for me to make a suggestion as to a single thing you might be able to do just to slowly whittle such a practice into place. I'm good at mentally finding ways of tricking control, even while lacking control, because it's constant effort. At least until I get upset. But our abilities are... different.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Might ought to talk to Byron. He's good at not letting a damn thing in he doesn't want in, but... I don't believe he was always like that.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Later is good. I need to shower and try to feel human and go deal with some backload things Katy has collected downstairs for days, even though I still feel awful. I'm going to have to try not to kill her, for instance, somehow.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : May I suggest avoidance as a valid coping mechanism.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : I wish. I should just fire her but can't deal with closing up shop while sick. Avoidance never lasts, but I like a good hide.

(TXT to Ruiz) Lilith : Anyway, going to try and be tough and adult for a while before wallowing back into bed to die slowly and await another doom pull into fuckery. I'll text you for jacket pick up.

(TXT to Lilith) Ruiz : All right. Buena suerte.