2019-10-07 - Chicken Soup For Duncan's Soul

Unlike the vast majority of shiny happy-sad people in Gray Harbor, Maddie isn't sick. She doesn't even have so much as a sniffle. Yet here she is in the soup aisle of Safeway, dangling over a tragically empty cart, staring at the tragically empty chicken soup aisle. She's got her phone in her hand and is watching their FriendZone feed, swiping through the pop-ups that come up. "Look, all I'm saying is, if somebody's Abuela-Brother named Corey can make chicken soup, how hard can it be?" she asks this to Duncan, brows raised. "I don't want you to have to suffer through a cheek pinching if we can prevent it, Dun."

Duncan's not sick, either. But there are a few things he likes on the regular, such as chicken soup on a cool Monday in October. The dude RARELY speaks nostalgically about his past, but it's come up that it's a 'like mom used to make' kinda thing. So he's climbing the shelves right now, in case there's some hidden can shoved somewhere in the back on a high shelf that neither of these shrimpy people can reach (there's not, but damned if he's not a determined monkey). "Well, the thing is," when he gives up and hops down, landing on his feet just before some Safeway employee has to come tell him to knock it off, "where are we gonna cook this? We need the propane for hot showers. I can't take cold showers, Maddie, I'm pretty sure I'll die if I do."

Immediately. He'll just drop dead.

Maddie pockets her phone so that she can keep watch on the aisle while Duncan's climbing the shelves. If anybody comes to tell him to knock it off, she'll just roll the cart at them and make a run for it! But nobody comes to tell them to stop, and Duncan hops down and immediately starts talking about death. "I mean we could start taking showers together and maybe our combined body heat will make the water hotter?" she thinks this through, sucking on her teeth as she pushes away from the cart. It rolls a few inches forward and stops, while Maddie comes to lean into Duncan, draping arms about his middle. "Nevermind. Taking cold showers sucks, even if we take them together. OH!" Lightbulb. "We could just do it over a fire like they did back in the olden days."

Yes, they should jam into the tiny camper shower together. Even Duncan has to pause for a second over the logistics of that, eyes unfocused on the tins of sardines across the aisle from them. Before he has to try to nicely tell Maddie her idea is stupid, she comes up with a better one, and he brightens promptly. "Yes! A fire," he agrees readily. "Although. I think Jimmy might still be kinda mentally scarred after that whole Thing with Keenexander." (He's having trouble with where they landed on all that still, so the portmanteau is just his go-to now.) "But you know what? We'll just put up the sun visor so he can't see out the windows while we cook! Get the cart, we need a lighter and some gasoline!"

They are tiny people. Much like the sardines in those tins, they'll fit. But she beams when he readily accepts her proposition of cooking chicken soup by fire, extracting her arms from around him so she can fetch the cart again. "We can just turn his head out the other window," she says of Jimmy, putting her foot on the bar above the wheels with every intention of rolling down the aisle. She doesn't correct him on the Alexander issue - mostly because while she was pretty sure Alexander wasn't Keene anymore? She still wasn't entirely sure. But yes, "Gasoline and lighters, check. We should also probably get some chicken maybe? And noodles," and what else goes in soup, hmm. "How do we make the soup part? Just like, water?"

"Yes." Turn Jimmy's head. "But we should move the camper some if we do that. So he has a nicer view." Of whatever there is to see out the windows wherever they're parked. Trees or something. Duncan grabs the front of the basket so he can help pull Maddie along and steer her away from any impending disasters, talking as he goes. "Chicken and noodles aren't gonna be good kindling," he manages to mumble confusedly before she reminds him of the point of this exercise: SOUP. "Oh. Uhhhhhhhh." He's getting confused.

"Water sounds right...?" He scratches his beard a bunch and frowns but keeps his shit together .

Maddie pushes off with a press of her toes to the tile floor in order to launch the cart forward, then leans over the handlebar. With Duncan steering, she keeps one leg on the wheelbar and the other out for balance, sailing through the aisle like a weird little swan. "We can steal a bunch of newspaper for the kindling, Dun," she says carefully, trying to help him through the befuddlement. "But we're making soup. Not just a fire. Turn left!" she points. "Did your mom ever put any vegetables in the soup? My mom never made chicken soup," Maddie rarely talks about her mother either, but there was a certain safety that she felt with Duncan. "Just tomato soup. And cheese sandwiches! Mmm," she sighs dreamily.

Duncan turns left!

It does not go well. The cart teeters over onto the off-balance wheel, the side where Maddie's got her leg sticking out, and the wheel there sticks to the floor for a second. Juuust long enough that the whole thing pivots on the stuck-wheel and rams FULL SPEED into the end-cap. Thankfully, the end-cap is selling toilet paper (and not knives or something), so at least she'll have a semi-soft landing when momentum yanks her off her little perch there.

"CRAP!" Duncan got clipped a little trying to ease the crash, smooshing his forearm between the front of the basket and the shelf, but he wasn't actually riding the basket right then. So he skitters to Maddie, post haste.

"DUNCAN! Watch o -- owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" CRASH goes the cart, in spite of Maddie's warning. 'out' turns to 'ow' as she tumbles off the cart, lands into the display of toilet paper, and subsequently has several plastic wrapped rolls land on her head. The toilet paper rolls land one-by-one, bouncing off her noggin, and just when she thinks she's safe? Another comes sailing down, thunking on top of her head and staying there. It's not exactly the worst place she could land? But Maddie is an actress by trade, which is why (there is more to this pose)..

Which is why it's time for Maddie's dramatic death scene. She swipes the toilet paper off the top of her head (because dying with a roll of potty paper on your head is just undignified), sticks the back of her hand to her forehead, and 'faints' over the top of the scattered rolls. "This is the end!" she wails, "I can see the light!" she has her eyes closed. The hand atop her head wooshes through the air to grasp Duncan by the shirt (granted, it takes a few attempts since she's blindly pawing at the air until she hits him), and drags him down to her level. "Just know, Dun-Dun.. I .. always.. loved.. you .. best," bleh. Ded.

It's like Clarissa has a sixth sense for being places where shenanigans are happening. She was just here for more Klennex, dammit, vintage Hermes bag hanging from the crook of her elbow when she sees Maddie die in a horribly tragic fashion, two fluffy bears looking cheerful as they hug some of those deadly toilet paper rolls. The clickity-clack of heels stops on the tile as she surveys the scene. Is this some kind of improv...thing? She raises both eyebrows, just watching. Slightly disapproving.

By now, Duncan should really know better. But he's so into the moment that, when Maddie careens to the floor and falls over and grabs his shirt and DIES, he bursts into tears. On his knees next to what he really truly believes is her dead body, he buries his face in his hands and sobs. Words come out of him - "Maddie" and "no" and "shopping cart" and "no more room for skeletons." He is so busy being convinced that his Maddie just died that he doesn't notice Clarissa at all. But his tragedy does send another roll of paper across the floor so it bumps into her heel where she stops. He also doesn't notice that, because his WHOLE HEART IS BROKEN.

So it's half some kind of improv...thing and half something else (not sure what, but it's weird).

It's probably weirder that Maddie lies limp in the tissue paper for awhile while Duncan cries into his hands. Because, you know, normal people would immediately start comforting their boyfriends. Maybe she likes the attention? MAYBE SHE FEEDS ON HIS SORROW?! Either way, she lays still, even slows her breathing so her chest just barely rises, her hand dead on his chest. But then.. MIRACLE UPON MIRACLES! She starts to gasp, chest heaving as she forces out these puffs of air, and... RIIIIISEEE! Her fingers find life, they grip Duncan's shirt again, and her eyes pop open!

"Duncan? Duncan! I saw the light, and I told it NO!" she declares, "I couldn't leave you, I couldn't die without you so I must live with you!" It's very romantic.

"...is this double ply that good?" Clarissa asks, a bit mystified as to what is happening here. Duncan seems very upset! Or he's a good actor? Maddie is certainly wonderful. She reaches down and picks up a roll of toilet paper, giving it a once over. "Would you recommend it over Klennex?" That's why he's crying, right? The pitch about it being good for tears comes next? She looks at them both expectantly. Sell this to me!

There's a lot of incomprehensible sobbing still from Duncan when Maddie rises from the dead. He blubbers more words - "zombie" comes up at least once - while he throws his arms around his not-dead girlfriend. In the middle of Safeway. Among the ruined display of quilted TP. Somewhere over there --->, some clerk is leaning on his broom and sighing at all the clean-up he's going to have to do. "I missed you!" he manages to get out at last.

Er, where he = Duncan. Not the clerk that wants to clean-up the display.

Anyway. "Please don't ever leave me again." He sobs on her shoulder. (She'll probably answer Clarissa; he's too rekt right now to interact with other humans. It's nothing personal.)

"I'll never leave you, Duncan. Never. I'll always be here," Maddie finishes her dramatic scene by pressing her palm against his chest, right over his heart. "Here, in your heart." Then, she sweeps her arms around him and kisses him, because all good death slash revival scenes need a romantic kiss at the end. Except maybe she's a little more enthusiastic than she should be in public. Sorry Clarissa!

Ahem, anyway, once she's done smooching on Duncan, she extracts herself from him and the toilet paper, dipping into a very professional curtsy for Clarissa and the Clerk. They can clap later, she knows how they feel in their hearts. "It's very soft," she says to Clarissa about the toilet paper. "It felt like falling into the wings of angels." She'll get a roll for Duncan, speaking of, so he can dry his eyes.

Wings of an angel sounds promising, even though Clarissa is hesitant to purchase anything whose mascot is a cartoon figure. She nods to Maddie as she (at least in her mind) reaffirms that this was all just some sort of viral marketing ploy. "This is why I never went into marketing. Too interactive," she holds out the roll like she's expecting someone to take it and then realizes that she's here alone and clears her throat. "What firm are you with? Do they lend you out for parties? I might have an event coming up that could use some actors to mingle with the crowds. You wouldn't be selling anything, exactly, but you would be providing entertainment so that they would donate to a fundraiser to benefit the town."

Duncan wipes his face with toilet paper he hasn't paid for. The plastic wrapping gets ripped open and tossed away, and he blots his face with the entire roll at once, sniffing hugely. He continues to sit amid this mess while Maddie gets up, lifting his teary eyes to her and Clarissa; despite his despondent demeanor, he shares, "Maddie's a pretty terrific actress. She could entertain the heck out of a fundraiser." Helpfully, he starts picking up still wrapped rolls of paper and handing them to the clerk so the guy doesn't blow a gasket with impatience. It segues nicely into his open palm lifted toward Clarissa and the roll of paper she doesn't seem to know how to manage; he'll take it from her, no worries.

"Firm? I'm not.." Maddie begins, but Clarissa sounds like she's talking about giving Maddie a gig. And getting a gig means getting paid. And getting paid means they could have enough propane to take hot showers AND make food on the camper stove! Those brown eyes of hers get big and she straightens up, plastering the best smile that she has on. "I'm with the Fletcher-Johnson firm, very prestigious, you've probably heard of us. Duncan is my manager," she waves a hand at the man who just used TP to wipe his face with, and then extends that hand to Clarissa to shake. "My name is Maddie. Just Maddie. Sort of like Madonna, you know? We're both basically of the same caliber, except I'm a far better actress. My schedule is preeeeettty booked up with gigs across the uh.." think, Maddie, sound super impressive! ".. state? But I'm sure we can fit you in." Dramatic pause. "For the right price."

Clarissa looks pretty pleased when Duncan takes the roll of toilet paper away from her and then focuses on Maddie as she lists her credentials. A look from her to Duncan then back again, "We're hardly talking Broadway here, though it will be at the Addington House so people will expect a certain quality. We've already set a budget for entertainment, but I'll talk to the rest of the Historical Society and see what we can do. Do you have a card?" It's almost not a question, just a polite way to say give me your card, you definite professional actress that must have them. "I'm not sure if they've already scheduled everything for the Halloween events, but I'm planning something for New Years that could use some flair."

The man who was, until he got introduced, sitting on the floor still, too. But Maddie calls him a manager, and Duncan hops right up to his feet, wiping his hand on the back of his (honestly not all that clean) jeans before sticking it out at Clarissa. "Hi there, I'm Duncan, I manage things." (lol) "We don't have a card," he comes up with pretty quickly. Considering the source. "But we have a website! Totally terrifying tours dot com?" He should really sound more confident, and ribs Maddie with his elbow to help him out here, person with a memory that might not be full of holes. <.< "It's a whole environmental thing. The business cards." Deep breath in, "We're pretty much saving all the trees."

"Yes, well, we're actually pretty far away from Broadway so I wouldn't expect.." Maddie begins, and then dismisses that line of thought to stare down at Duncan. It's a good thing he gets up when he does, else she might 'help' him up, which would almost have certainly hurt because they are supposed to be pretending to be professionals god dammit and professionals don't sit on the floor!(!!). Anyway, ahem. "Yes, what Duncan said. Actually, environmental conservation is a passion project of mine, did you know that printing business cards kills an entire acre of rainforest every month?" It's a bullshit statistic but remember, Maddie is an excellent actress. "But I have an email address. It's.." she rattles off your stereotypical gmail account. Her's is probably: maddiethebestactress@gmail.com

Clarissa appears to buy that whole environmental line and when Maddie gives her email address pulled her phone out to plug it in, "I'm Clarissa Robbins, chairwoman of Gray Harbor's historical society," without waiting to see if that name clicks in to any old headlines they might have read she continues in a clipped business-like tone, "I'll have my assistant Michael reach out to you to get your fees. And then we'll let you know how much of the budget we can offer you," she sniffs, reaching into her pockets and then her purse to try to find something, but alas, that's why she's here at the store, "You do ghost tours of Gray Harbor?"

Maddie is totally going to pretend she reads the newspaper and has seen Clarissa all over the place. See those wide eyes? That's her impressed look. "Oh, yes! I've totally read about you in the newspaper," she claims, then bobs her head in a quick nod. "Certainly, of course. I imagine the Gray Harbor historical society has a significant budget, of course, but I promise my fees are very reasonable." She looks to Duncan to assure Clarissa of that, too, but he's gone to help the grocery store clerk, so MOVING ON! The talk of ghost tours brings a far more natural smile to Maddie's face. "Oh, yes, it's a...nother passion project of mine, actually. Mine and Duncan's, really. It's kind of a traveling act, we go all over."

Unfortunately the comment about seeing her in the newspapers causes Clarissa's expression to darken somewhat. Maddie might want to google her later because it appears knowing that isn't a good thing. "Well, if you have something planned for Halloween, let me know. We may want to promote something like that for a festival one of the members is manning." She looks down at her phone to make sure she's captured the email address correctly and then says, "Well, Maddie, Duncan, it was fortunate that I happened to run into you today. Normally I wouldn't be doing my own shopping, but that flu took me out for a week and now I find myself in need of Kleenex," another look is given to the toilet paper, because they did sell it very well, but ultimately she shakes her head, "You'll be hearing from my assistant. I look forward to working with you." And then those expensive heels are clip-clopping their way down towards the tissues aisle, which is probably in as poor form as the chicken soup one.

Maddie does the nice-to-meet-you-too stuff because it's appropriate. But then Clarissa goes clip-clopping away and Maddie waits an inappropriate amount of time to announce loudly, "There's a flu? Oh fuck, I'm going to get sick!" She does the back of the hand to the forehead thing, but alas, there's no one to see her being dramatic, so she shouts very loudly: "DUNCAN?! Where are you?! We're going to DIE of the FLU!!!!"