2020-01-19 - The Idiot Dance

(TXT to Itzhak) August: okay, spill

(TXT to Itzhak) August: don't be coy with me, rosencrantz

(TXT to Itzhak) August: de la vega and cavanaugh are doing the ex-husbands dance

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I know that shit when I see it

(TXT to Itzhak) August: as my nieces would say, r u srs

(TXT to Itzhak) August: have you ever watched a broken up couple who didn't break up on fantastic terms but were still SUPER into each other behave

(TXT to Itzhak) August: meaningful, encrypted looks, like everything is a power struggle

(TXT to Itzhak) August: reluctant acknowledgement, clamming up around one another.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: hating one another does not preclude being exes in fact if you were gay in the military in the 90s it's kind of de rigeur

(TXT to Itzhak) August: look. maybe you're right. maybe they were just drinking buddies who had a falling out.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: ...just saying I wasn't not bi in the military, you know? also banging a pilot/a grunt was no doubt a thing too. I wouldn't know, our pilots were all army, so, it wasn't the same. not a different branch if one of our chopper pilots wanted some flight time, if you will.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I am gonna put this another way. I have not once had a falling out with a platonic friend for whom I had zero romantic anything see me behaving like that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: eh, that's slicing some fine hairs; it wasn't legal to be gay in the military until Obama. not unless you wanted a section 8

(TXT to Itzhak) August: sure, he ALSO cuoldn't do it if de la vega or he were a woman but that's a whole other matter. that's fraternization due to rank differential.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: try this out. look at how de la vega reacts to me versus cavanaugh.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: sorry I figured you'd...sorted that out.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: eh, you've sorted out plenty. the song, you got three lovers, you're a talented musician. so you can't tell when two dudes are doing the 'angry hard on' dance, so what.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: yeah he was in bosnia just after me, actually.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: if you are angling to compare yourself to him

(TXT to Itzhak) August: mmmm there it is

(TXT to Itzhak) August: you will have a custom fiddle soon enough. and a rap sheet is the same think a few million other people in this country have too.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: hang on I need to look at my chat history

(TXT to Itzhak) August: trying to remember what ignacio told you last time

(TXT to Itzhak) August: who was that about, you were comparing yourself to someone

(TXT to Itzhak) August: you were going on like this about someone else 'she's gorgeous and has a degree' and I can't remember who it was

(TXT to Itzhak) August: let's back up though. maybe I'm reading too much into it. maybe they're just, you know, into each other and doing the idiot dance.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and DADT and service kept them from being a thing. but after the way they were acting at Twofer, and today?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: my point is why does that matter, you've got three people who are way into you

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and if you guys are open then it's not hang on I just explained it to myself

(TXT to Itzhak) August: k look this is not going to be...yeah there we go

(TXT to Itzhak) August: this is different. a) you're WITH ruiz. wait you are right

(TXT to Itzhak) August: can I just say? this is why I'm not poly anymore. too many venn dodecahedrons trying to overlap, that shit is a twenty year old's game.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: well if you'd prefaced that with 'I figured out how to make poly more complicated' I'd have bet you a case of cider you were wrong and I'd have lost

(TXT to Itzhak) August: okay so then back to he'll like him better than you. that's real hard for me to believe, unless de la vega is that capricious. you and cavanaugh aren't alike

(TXT to Itzhak) August: put another way do you think rebecca and isolde are worried you'll like de la vega more than them?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: you should. it's a good thing to check the weather all over on the regular.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: back to my list. a) you're with him. (we'll call it provisional) b) far are as we know, they are not a thing now. c) he wants to just be with you.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: literally none of this applied when it came to isabella; you'd just been hoping against hope alexander might change his mind. great news: no hope against hope here, de la vega is with you.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: to your credit, you were wrong about that because you think no one would really want you, not because you're stupid.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: the former happens to ALSO not be true, but I understand how you've managed to talk yourself into it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: then look. you don't have anything to worry about. I really don't think you do. de la vega strikes me as a few things, but not actually caring about you isn't on the list.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: unfortunately it's kind of not your business if they ever were, I just assumed it was known with how they were making eyes at each other.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: yeah, exactly.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: hey did I mention this is why I'm not poly?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I miss dick, I won't lie, but managing the icosahedron of romance is not a thing I will ever miss

(TXT to Itzhak) August: what? no

(TXT to Itzhak) August: look. hang on I am going to look up what ignacio said he used good words, gonna put them on a post-it note

(TXT to Itzhak) August: did I tell you when I told eleanor about the saffrons lilith sent me she thought I wanted to break up with her and date lilith

(TXT to Itzhak) August: "This is why I don't date man. all these closet daddy issues" relevant

(TXT to Itzhak) August: well like some people I know she was under the impression I wouldn't want her when there was an option like lilith (ps there wasn't anyways we all know that but it's irrelevant)

(TXT to Itzhak) August: let me know when you get where I am going with that

(TXT to Itzhak) August: now reread what you just said but say it in my voice

(TXT to Itzhak) August: also: "because what you just said is what I have is never going to be enough. And I think both those gals are pretty terrific but this is kinda balls. I know this because you taught me"

(TXT to Itzhak) August: that's only a flaw if you forget what you just said about it not being a competition

(TXT to Itzhak) August: enough for what, though. enough for isolde and bex? look how much they love you, you dolt.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: enough for me? I can't barely go into a hospital even if I've got friends and family in there, and I also don't have the sense God gave a carrot when it comes to the Art, not sure how you're not enough for a moron like me.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and don't you dare say that to de santos he'll come at you with both barrels and his mind Art is real damned strong now

(TXT to Itzhak) August: k I'll text him hang on

(TXT to Itzhak) August: he can talk to you from across town now, soon as he figures that out you're fucked

(TXT to Itzhak) August: he will say you obviously didn't if you're talking like this

(TXT to Itzhak) August: so look. the idea de la vega will drop you like a hot rock? seriously, bear in mind, you're saying he's a shitty guy, when you say that. because it would be a dick move. do you actually think he's that kind of guy?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: well they're not with him. you are.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: okay then. I know 'then you don't have shit to worry about' is a pointless statement, so I'll spare you. instead, ask yourself why you're more worried about him bailing you for others, and not isdole or rebecca. (well. are you worried that will?)

(TXT to Itzhak) August: de la vega is not the hell hotter than you by an order of magnitude. christ.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I have partaken of a world class selection of dick in my time, I know of what I speak.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: as it should.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: no, not tired. sad, maybe. you're talented--at music, with the Art--you're brilliant, you're hot. but you've got a lot of pain you're trying to deal with. you shouldn't have to. life's just shitty like that, though. fucks us up so we can't enjoy the things about ourselves we should be able to. makes us blind to them, then we just see everyone else beautiful and amazing and we think 'well I'm garbage' and never realize we're not that different.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and being in pain is real fucking exhausting

(TXT to Itzhak) August: as we know I am right about literally everything

(TXT to Itzhak) August: so. no.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: but I'm going to screenshot that and send it to some people, one second.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: k there. you can wonder who got it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: more seriously. I doubt I know de la vega well enough to say 'so you and cavanaugh are doing the idiot dance in front of God and everyone, are you aware?' so if you want him to talk with you about it, you may need to ask him point blank if there was a Thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: has it occurred to you that, armed with foreknowledge as you seem to be, you could do, you know. something else.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: this is a streak which was meant to be broken. and seriously I get it, it'll be awkward and you'll probably say it wrong and he'll probably misinterpret it and then you'll wind up yelling at one another

(TXT to Itzhak) August: no doubt you will drop my name and he'll come yell at me.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: but, it's better than waiting, because it cuts out the

(TXT to Itzhak) August: won't let him? you're hilarious thinking you can stop that man from doing anything

(TXT to Itzhak) August: that's like him telling me he'll stop you from doing something, last time he did that it was real hard not to laugh in his face

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I know it does.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: hey I do appreciate the sentiment though

(TXT to Itzhak) August: but it's okay if he wants to yell at me about shit, I'm not afraid of his emotions or anything. I'm probably one of the people he's least capable of really hurting, I'm a safe place for him to vent.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: look better me than you or someone he could do damage to and then hate himself over later you know?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: hang on. okay, I'm ready.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: three?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: in college that was like, you know

(TXT to Itzhak) August: a weekend

(TXT to Itzhak) August: no I mean, that's kind of...I don't want to call it sweet since that sounds like I'm being patronizing but you know. it's a big deal, that you're only the fourth dude he's been with when it comes to being bi.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and well, the 'I'm not actually gay and we're not dating' I've heard that plenty before.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I doubt I need to tell you this, but that's what career military will get you. not letting you be gay or bi or risk getting kicked out or locked up makes for some ugly shit. in some ways that wall falling on me was a good thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: what I mean is that's him talking about himself, no you. not that it helps.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: (and yes you do have it bad, but at least you're aware.)

(TXT to Itzhak) August: ...wait what. revenge fucked easton?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: in that sense you've got some of that same problem there. having to not be yourself, it kills things inside you. you can grow some of it back, but. it's tough. it'll always be tough for him, is my point. it's probably why, if he and cavanaugh were a thing, he hasn't brought it up.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: (...)

(TXT to Itzhak) August: oh you did tell me that. but not that you were going to return the favor. so I guess you two both have never met a problem your dicks couldn't make worse. but look, at least you didn't do it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: did I get you to wake anyone up though? if not it doesn't count.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I'm serious though, you didn't do it. that's a good thing. progress.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: sounds less like chickening out more like realizing who you were actually upset with. which is a good thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: don't get me wrong I'm sure you'd have given him the ride of his young life and cockteasing is rude as fuck but it was the right call.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: shit like what he went through, it ages you fast. put on some facial hair and boom you're 35

(TXT to Itzhak) August: brain scientists think it's because you record everything in hidef. like a super high resolution video. so you feel all that time in more detail. your normal, boring day, your brain ignores a bunch of it so it goes by fast.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: probably part of why high stress lives fuck people up so bad. they've basically lived a few extra lifetimes.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: to a few of us. so. go easy on him, if he's not always forthcoming on shit.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: first thing's first. it's not a contest for you and cavanaugh. and since he's easy to talk to, sounds like you can be friends. so. be friends. one of them will probably tell you about it, eventually.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: there's not forthcoming, and then there's, 'you banged WHO'.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: some of the guys I've been with, they had some amazing other guys, like, what on earth do they want with a scarred up college grad. but look I got to ride on yachts and shit I won't complain too much.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: and you and cavanaugh being friends makes it better in a lot of ways. not the least of which is, if you two are friends, you might be less likely to think of it as de la vega picking between you.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: look, I will never knock anyone for being a sugar baby, it's a pretty nice deal if the sugar mama/daddy isn't trash.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: you're kind of doing for her, too, when you let her. people who love you, they want to give you fancy stuff you'll feel good about and like.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I definitely know what you mean. you're feeling vulnerable because you've opened yourself up to him. now you think that's threatened. I think we both know how people like you and me react when things we think are precious get threatened.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: that's also how you know it's not something to do anything about. remember last time? no decisions. not on feelings like that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: any time. just so we're clear you're not getting in your truck to go be dumb, right?

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I need you to know when you said 'you don't have to' about him reading it, it took a lot out of me to not say to him 'that means he's gonna be real fucking mad at you if you don't'

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I think he got the message, it's fine.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: well look now I have to get a copy so I'll know what any of you are talking about.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: no promises.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: okay there. got it for the tablet. now I need to go to bed before I wake up ellie.

(TXT to Itzhak) August: I can't promise to stop noticing but I can just stop telling you

(TXT to Itzhak) August: will that help

(TXT to Itzhak) August: :*