2020-03-16 - The Mumford and Sons Stage of Grief

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hey so uh

(TXT to Itzhak) August : uh? this sounds ominous

(TXT to August) Itzhak : only a little

(TXT to August) Itzhak : broke up with isolde

(TXT to Itzhak) August : uh, wow man. I'm sorry. you okay?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : just got done lying to de la Vega telling him I'm fine.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you know he didn't buy that right

(TXT to August) Itzhak : not that he...no of course he didn't. but he let me lie anyway because he's wonderful like that

(TXT to August) Itzhak : she'd asked me to move in with her a little while ago. said no. maybe shoulda said yes? I don't know.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : well I'm glad he's willing to do that. and no man, that's not a 'should have'

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, maybe you could have tried it, except, if your gut tells you that you can't do it, that's a better way to go

(TXT to Itzhak) August : than to move in only to realize it's making you crazy

(TXT to Itzhak) August : look just also realize, there can be a hundred reasons she decided no to anymore and it might not have been you at all

(TXT to August) Itzhak : she said ....eh, we had a long call. it wasn't really that long it just felt long. she said I still treat her like she's broken. like a kid who can't make decisions or live her own life.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : been trying not to do that, but not good enough I guess.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I managed not to say this to de la Vega but now you're gonna get it buddy, sorry in advance

(TXT to Itzhak) August : mmmm. protecting people, eh?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah. can't turn it off I guess.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : not when it comes to her, anyway.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : also sorry in advance for what.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : for what I'm about to say in the way of I'm not surprised and I'm just a lousy fucking boyfriend and why did I think I could handle this and do right by anybody

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I can't exactly claim to not know what it's like to want to do for others at a cost to yourself, so. as much as it obviously can be an issue. as you've discovered.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : she's doing great, she's got her own place and making her own money and she ain't hardly stealing anything or taking pills anymore and she's right, I shouldn't treat her like that and I can't help it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : well that's all bullshit as you well know. for starters, no one is perfect.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : surprise, you made a mistake in a relationship with more than one person. given how easy is to do it with one I don't know how you maintain your sanity.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : well nobody ever accused me of being real bright

(TXT to August) Itzhak : pretty bad day on my engine, too, behind schedule and we need to start running heats

(TXT to Itzhak) August : but look. mistakes don't make you a bad person.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : not a bad boyfriend, not a bad friend, none of that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : sure, you need to work on not wanting to protect people. you can do that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : great news, if you get overprotective of de la Vega he'll laugh at you and tell you to fuck off with that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : rebecca will roll her eyes at you and tell you to get her a beer.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : it's....actually easy to be with him because of that. okay 'easy' isn't exactly right, but...

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I know he ain't about to put up with any damn thing he doesn't like

(TXT to Itzhak) August : maybe that's what it has to be for you. be with people who if you get that way tell you to stop your shit or they'll knock you on your ass.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : or, well. people who don't mind. you'll find some who don't. she does for all the reasons you listed. but others might not. hell it might be something they need.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I'm sorry though, man, I know you were really into her, and of course here you are not where we can take you out and get you drunk then let your boyfriend and girlfriend put you to rights.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh I'm drunk right the fuck now if it wasn't obvious

(TXT to August) Itzhak : Bex wanted me to protect her, like for real, from Gohl, and that felt so fucking good

(TXT to Itzhak) August : :beer emoji:

(TXT to August) Itzhak : this ain't new, probably you don't need me to tell you that, but she's been complaining I treat her like someone who needs to be protected forever

(TXT to Itzhak) August : that's probably also how you know it's a problem, but, she needed it. you needed it too. staying aware of how it can be trouble's the main thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : ...like I was saying.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I mean Isolde, not Bex, about....fuck, you know what I mean, right?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah, I do. basically you feel an urge to get between her and everything because she seems unprepared.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : honestly some of that's the prison time, same for me with Bosnia

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you go through something like that and survive, and you can't see someone like her, or in my case my sisters, my nieces, and not think you absolutely have to make sure they're going to be okay.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you've seen how absolutely ugly life can be, at its worst, and you're never going to let it happen to them.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : it already was ugly to her and it kills me to think of more ugly happening to her

(TXT to Itzhak) August : that's the sort of thing they had to help us learn to stop, in counseling. stop acting on that gut reaction.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : let me tell you my mom and zelda and I had some shouting matches before I started to get better.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : awwwwwww, buddy. they love you a whole hell of a lot

(TXT to Itzhak) August : they do. I know because they never gave up. so listen: we're not going to either. even if we have to hit you in the back of the head and say 'knock it off, dumbass'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I just couldn't knock it off. you know what's messed up? when she moved out of Alexander's I actually felt worse. like, shit, now so much could happen to her and he won't be there. even though she got through her whole damn life without me so far and I have to be like that?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : would I ever in a million years treat de la Vega like that, or Bex? i wouldn't. she knows it and I know it

(TXT to Itzhak) August : it's something to think about but...look. try to remember something.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : this doesn't make you trash. you're weren't being some nasty asshole. definitely you needed to stop. but this isn't exactly 'worst possible man to ever date' territory.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : nah. I'm not as bad as some. just...not the right guy for her, I guess.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : if she was my sister I wouldn't be pissed at you, I'd just be like 'you're a decent dude, why'd you go fuck it up? ugh, now she'll date some dickbag I have to threaten'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : and I'd tell you it's because I'm a shlemiel

(TXT to Itzhak) August : shlemiel less, mensch more

(TXT to August) Itzhak : shit, I have to tell ma and Naomi. brb getting drunker

(TXT to August) Itzhak : the good news there is they will be the opposite of shocked

(TXT to Itzhak) August : tell them in your own time man. also remember: it's gonna be okay. it's not like you two parted on 'screaming from a window at 4am, throwing shit down the stairwell' terms.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : (yes, I have.)

(TXT to August) Itzhak : stop making me laugh, yes I have too

(TXT to Itzhak) August : nah that's my job here. convince you hey, it hurts right now. a fucking lot. but it'll be okay. painkillers.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah it fucking hurts. oy does it hurt. we're not supposed to be mad at each other but I kind of am

(TXT to Itzhak) August : honestly I suggest not trying to not feel a given way. just don't act on it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I probably say this a lot, strap in, gonna say it some more. one of the first things they had to teach us was how to not act on every feeling we had. because we were sure having a lot of them. I realize for you this is not exactly first, second, or third nature. but.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : you do say that a lot, but hell, guess I need it

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I kinda want to beg her to take me back, that one's the first stage

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah. which, great news, you're poly, means you have some other people who can sit on you in a platonic sense and a romantic one and tell you to knock that off.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : 'great news, you're poly' lmao

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I'm not gonna. I have my pride. well I don't but I'm still not gonna

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I'm in the get drunk and listen to Allman Brothers slash Mumford and Sons stage and there miiiight be a little sloppy drunk crying

(TXT to Itzhak) August : this is the good part of poly. having more than one romantic partner to be with and help and be helped by.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : obviously for this you get a geometric level of complication, but, this is one of those cases where it helps.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : let yourself cry and be mad about it. it's better than pretending it doesn't hurt. sucking it up and pretending to be made of stone is for chumps.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : it is but. it sucks to go to your other girlfriend(s) and be like 'hey pick my sloppy ass up'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hence the lying to de la vega

(TXT to Itzhak) August : the easiest thing there is to not make it that. it doesn't have to be 'pick my sloppy ass up'. it can be 'I fucked up and I'm trying to sort it out and it hurts'. the trick is knowing when you're doing on or the other.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : he's seeing Cavanaugh now btw so you were right about that

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you doing okay with that?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : god Roen why would I not make anything the absolute worst possible thing it could be, it's like you don't know me

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I think you have the capability to not do that. but I won't lie and say it doesn't take hard work and practice to get there. I won't claim to be able to do it myself. (it's not the main reason I'm not poly, but it's among them)

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah...ish... he had a lot to say to me about how Cavanaugh don't replace me and it don't matter even if he is a pilot astronaut de la Vega's been in love with for decades. okay he didn't put it like that, that's me being a dick.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : have you told him that's your sticking point?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hah. yeah he's heard all about it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : also, look...have you considered joe makes de la Vega feel a little inadequate too?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ??? no, why the hell would he feel inadequate? he's the most badass man I've ever met in my life

(TXT to Itzhak) August : maybe because he also doesn't have a college degree and didn't go to MIT and fly at all much less in fucking space and hasn't written a book or sailed a boat along the coast by himself.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah he wasn't born on no plantation like Cavanaugh the cracker. he's way more awesome than that

(TXT to Itzhak) August : have you considered de la vega sees you that way too? for different reasons, but none the less.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ugh don't logic me, Roen

(TXT to August) Itzhak : Cavanaugh seems to like me pretty good too. must have a thing for rough trade

(TXT to Itzhak) August : keep it in mind, when everything the guy's done is getting to you. you've done shit too. lived a life. a hard one. he came from money and power. it got him a lot.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I don't want to say that's kind of par for the course in my seattle experience but it kind of is. not entirely, but. you know what I mean.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah, read his memoirs. old money af. he had a lot of that stuff given to him, or at least he had the chance because of 'em. NASA don't want no ex-con car thieves

(TXT to August) Itzhak : never really realized before how important it is to do and be and HAVE all that shit if you wanna go to space. and being from some big shot military political family richer than Croesus, well, you can't buy your way into space...YET....but you can sure buy all the shit that puts you on top of the heap

(TXT to Itzhak) August : that shit comes with all kinds of connections. it's part of why I had to get a PhD to get into forestry, we didn't have anything like that, so I had to overperform, do a lot of interning when I could afford it to get letters of recommendation, all of that.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : if I'd known someone who knew someone who knew someone at Interior, a master's would have been plenty.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so look. de la vega's a decent guy, he'd never compare you to that. and you shouldn't either. it's okay to be frustrated about it. even angry. but don't let it drive you to do things. cavanaugh had all of that, look where it got him. in some kinda wreck and in that fucking black hole Asylum.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : no kidding. I forgot you had a PhD. yeah, so you're just some Hebrew trailer trash, had to work five times as hard.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : choked on my tea you asshole how dare you

(TXT to August) Itzhak : am I wrong? tell me I'm wrong

(TXT to Itzhak) August : now I have to explain to ellie why I'm laughing my ass off.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : haaaa. ya welcome

(TXT to August) Itzhak : seriously tho. after I had to pull Cavanaugh back across the border, kinda realized, I'm like an astronaut, except I don't need a spaceship

(TXT to Itzhak) August : an astronaut who's interacted with alien life.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : score one for team didn't grow up on a plantation.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : so...felt better about him. and he, well, remember when we were talking about this stuff in the bookstore the other day and I took him out for a smoke? he was all messed up. flashing back, I could hear it.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah, it looked like he was getting there. glad you took him out, when it's like that you need to get into a safe spot and ride it out.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and hey. he might be a good person to talk to this stuff about too. dude's older than me or de la vega, he might have some thoughts on this kind of topic.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : so I took him out and he fell apart a little. he's cracked on the inside. like a hard boiled egg when you whap it on the counter and it gets all fractured and mazey? he's like that. poor bastard. hugged him.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : then he kissed me sooooo whaddayagonnado.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, you did accidentally make out with him. you know, after you saved him.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : my point here is it probably wasn't that accidental, on his part.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : aheh. nah. he, uh, yeah. yeah he was into it.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : but it was nice. he didn't want anything else out of me. just a kiss.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : there you go then. already you're not a shitty friend/boyfriend/guypal/whatever

(TXT to August) Itzhak : trying. maybe not always doing such a good job.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hey thanks for listening to me blubber. de la Vega was really sweet to me too.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : no worries. so look, we're going down to my hood to check out a farm that does weddings. and to get Ellie's tattoo done in Portland. if you need to kick it at my place because you need some space feel free

(TXT to Itzhak) August : Mount Hood not my hood

(TXT to August) Itzhak : i was gonna make the worst bris joke

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you're terrible

(TXT to August) Itzhak : and, thanks. maybe I will. maybe I'll just hole up my place and cuddle Iris and play Overwatch.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : all good either way. try to enjoy as much of your trip as you can, yeah? punch a few neo nazis maybe

(TXT to August) Itzhak : he even said he didn't mind if I banged a couple few people, but my heart really ain't into that. just wanna be home in his arms. ...shit that was disgusting, listen to me. maybe I will go punch some Proud Boys.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : gnight, Roen, I gotta lot of work to do.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : eh it ain't a bad thing to want your man's arms around you, you jerk.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : night. take care.