2020-03-27 - Gnome Sweet Gnome

Enzo goes through the door, Enzo feels sick from the journey, Enzo is ridden like a horse through the forest by a gnome named Saldri. He shrugs helplessly a couple of times to Alexander and Isabella. This is is life now, it's true. At least the gnome is calling him GIANT instead of BOZO-- nope. The gnomes are still calling him Bozo. "Wait if the trees or whatever are okay to eat, why won't he repopulate? Are you sure he doesn't need Viagra or something?"

Alexander is prepared for this. He thinks. He has a backpack, and long-sleeved clothing, and his knife, and (most importantly) a cleaning liquid formulated for 'the toughest pet urine' tucked away in his backpack. Just in case this goes south, as it surely will. He steps through the opened gate with a shiver, and wonders, not quite under his breath, "You ever wonder if every time we do that, we break things down a little more? Like sticking hundreds of tiny holes in a barrier?"

Then, of course, Enzo is ridden and he can't help but grin. He doesn't SAY anything about 'repopulating', but a thousand jokes dance in his eyes.

Oh, wow, they're extremely serious about this repopulation business. The moment they cross over the Veil, with Isabella being all too happy to let Enzo do the honors, there's a very sympathetic glance shot towards the Addington's way. That's alright, they have a plan. What could possibly go wrong?

She's dressed in her typical excursion gear, with her standard Veil expedition pack slung on one shoulder, clad in jeans and a warm, weatherproofed jacket with a hood - perfect for Spring, especially when it gets wet and rainy, and hiking boots. Her hands are slid in her pockets, the gleaming and ever-present weight of her hatchet hanging on an easily-reached strap on her pack. The noisy gnome makes her pull a face. "That's a good question," she says, nodding to Enzo's direction. "There are roots to help with impotence, you know. Uh, if you can find them in the Veil, anyway."

Alexander's quiet observation earns him a glance, her expression a somber one, but she doesn't remark upon it.

Enzo would protest all of this hair pulling if he thought it was going to do any good. But he likely suspects that it would result in a gallon of gnome urine being dumped on him and he was actually not able to acquire a rubber suit for this foray, despite his many assertions to the contrary. "I'll get you Viagra! It's for when your dick doesn't work," he tries to explain and then he's being yanked again. This way, that way. He winces repeatedly when Sal screams in his year to project his voice to Alexander and Isabella. Then he's right in Enzo's face. "Um. I guess so? I can try to sneak. But we're giants."

Alexander follows Enzo and Sal, still grinning to himself as he watches the gnome. "This reminds me of that movie I saw commercials for. With the rat who can cook?" he says, quietly, to Isabella as they wander through the Veil forest. When they stop, he pauses. "Stealth?" A skeptical expression, with a nod when Enzo points out the problem with that. But then he says, "I might be able to impose an illusion to let us blend in. Might help."

What is impotence?

"When a male of a species can't perform sexually," Isabella tells the gnome, without so much as balking from explaining it. But as they follow Enzo into the trees, she tilts her head to listen to Alexander's whisper, her serious expression cracking to allow a grin. "Ratatouille? I love that movie," she murmurs back, pecking his cheek briefly once the investigator's face is in range, and making a note to make him watch it.

The prospect of moving towards the mushrooms in quietly also puts a skeptical look on her, but Alexander's plan is a sound one and she nods in agreement. Her hand doesn't move for her hatchet yet, but she does shift closer to the taller man's shadow.

Friends help repopulate too.

Enzo actually starts to straight up laugh now. This is not helpful at all Enzo, Sal was right when he said that he brought smarter friends with him. "Yes, lets try uh, the illusion thing." He'll just stand here and wait to see how Alexander is going to manage this illlusion thing and when they're ready, he'll head to the mushroom in question and STEP on it with his steel-toed boots.

"I've never actually tried to affect this many people at once with a stealth illusion," Alexander admits. But he closes his eyes and reaches outwards, trying to convince everyone in the vicinity that these are NOT the giants they are looking for. Or giants at all. Nope. These are just...plants. That belong here. Don't look this way, anyone. Don't!

She waits for the illusion to take effect. "Veto on the repopulation efforts, by the way," she tells both men under her breath.

"Okay, so the blue mushroom," Isabella mutters, her expression a curious one because some part of her still can't believe she just said that. But when it happens, she lifts her shoulders in a shrug towards her companions and follows behind Enzo. He doesn't even hesitate! There's pride on her features when he squishes it.

"Uh oh." Enzo has enough time for that when the GD gnomes realize that they're all there. "Aw, this is real fucked now." He stops down and grabs a tree branch off of the ground and starts swinging. This is going to be fine. Just fine. He really wishes he wore the rubber suit.

"Goddamnit!" It's all Alexander has time to say before he's tumbling over, arms flailing, and lands on the mushrooms. "I'm sorry! I didn't meant to--why are the mushrooms bleeding?" And then everything is going horribly wrong, and he's rolling to his feet. "Why. Why why why did I agree to come here?"

"What the hell?! Are those-- " Mushroom cannons. Had they not been turned their way, Isabella would be collapsing on her knees in helpless fits of laughter. She still might, but with the gnome army attacking, and plenty of them attacking Alexander, she groans and digs into her backpack to produce one of the cans of urine-neutralizing spray that Alexander insisted that they bring.

"ALRIGHT, YOU MOUTHY PEE FACTORIES," she bellows. "LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND ALONE AND LET BOTH OUR LEADERS FIGHT MAN-TO-MAN!" Pause. "Man to gnome. Whatever, you know what I mean!!"

"Damn it. WHY DO YOU HAVE THINGS SPECIFICALLY TO SPRAY PISS," Enzo shouts before trying to get a shield around himself to deflect some of the pee away. He gets it to happen, but not with enough time to stop things from burning into his flesh. He makes an angry noise and starts trying to do something actually useful as the gnomes begin to hose him down. "GROSS. YOU ARE ALL AWFUl. SAL START DOING SOMETHING." He does nothing.

And as soon as he's on his feet, Alexander is having to dance around, trying to dodge streams of hissing, acidic gnome pee. "I'm fine," he shouts to Isabella as he deftly avoids one, then another, "They're not very good--sonofabitch!" That, of course, is when one of the gnome's streams coats his arm, starting to eat through his sweater. He zaps one gnome, making a sound of disgust when it explodes, then whirls on the one who peed on him. "That just goes too damned far! I will turn you into confetti!"

There's a scream. Not from fear, but from outrage and pure disgust. "OH MY GOD, I'M SO NOT INTO THIS," Isabella cries when she gets peed on by a gnome, urine eating away at her clothing layers and burning her skin. And it smells awful. There's a flash of relief in her when Alexander tells her that she's fine, but she turns the spray of this anti-pee pet cleaner into the air, while telekinetically grabbing another gnome by the clothes, and sending him right into the chemical mist.

Enzo is caught between feeling really concerned over people shouting 'long live bozo' and relieved that the Elder is dead no one is spraying him with anymore piss. Also he's GENERALLY concerned about Isabella having been sprayed into unconsciousness. "Hey, Clayton, is she okay?" he asks, and pats Saldri reassuringly as it cries on the top of his head. This is the most bizarre situation that he's ever been involved in.

"Isabella!" Alexander is dodging and weaving like a pee-avoiding ninja over here, and even manages to fire off another sharp blast of lightning at the gnome who tagged him, but when he sees Isabella go down, that's all forgotten. He whirls in place, barely even stopping to look at the toppling Elder, to go to one knee by her, and reach out with his hands and healing to treat her wounds. "Checking now," he tells Enzo, looking up just long enough to notice... "Oh, hey. Looks like you're king of the gnomes. Congrats!"

She gets one, though there's no triumph in her, because this is gross. So gross in fact that her mind may very well shut her body down in an attempt to save herself from this, because it's gross and it's too much for her to stand because the smell is bad enough to knock someone out. Isabella manages to kill her quarry, however, while it kills her, and she stumbles backwards and collapses on the ground when first-degree burns do a number on her skin. At least it isn't the face, because oh god.

"Everything hurts," she tells Alexander pitifully from the miasma of burning skin wafting upwards to mingle with all the pee, making everything a thousand times worse. "Ugh, it's so gross, why did we agree to this again?"

"Uh... okay! I'd try to help but--" But Enzo is like basically stuck in place as he's swarmed by tiny gnomes. And as he learned the last couple of times, if you touch one of these things the wrong way, they DIE and then they send assassins after you to pee all over you while you're at the hospital. "What supplies? Can't we talk about this? Can't someone ELSE do the repopulating if I appoint them?"

"I swear to God, Vincenzo, if you try to make me a gnome stud, I will fry you from the inside out and apologize to your family later," Alexander says, conversationally. He rocks back on his heels as the gnomes approach, eyeing them warily. On the other hand, he's seen this before, so he doesn't pop them, just reaches out to stroke Isabella's hair. "This looks horrible, but it seems to help, Isabella. It's the weirdest thing."

Alexander's healing helps, a little, but when the gnomes come to help in their own special way, it's all Isabella can do to bite back a shriek, crawling backwards in an attempt to get away from them until she's practically clambering all over her lover in this feeble attempt to get away. Except that she can't, and it's helping, and she whimpers because this is gross. How can a species taste their own pee? Acidic pee even. What are these things made of?! And the poor investigator is trying to help and she turns up those big, pleading eyes at him as he strokes her hair. "I don't want to have gnome babies," she tells him, helplessly. "Please tell me this won't make me pregnant."

"NOT YOU GUYS," Enzo clarifies and makes NO, NO, NO gestures in the direction of Alexander and Isabella. "Sal, why don't you just make the babies. Don't you have an acorn?? That works? A functioning acorn? You could make, uh, pure gnomes."

Whatever the gnomes are handing to Enzo, he takes it but he looks incredibly skeptical. "Um, okay. Thanks. What am I looking at here?" and he starts to open it up... casting apologetic and confused look to his unlucky friends.

"Um..." Enzo looks at the finger puppets. He does not get it.

"Isn't it obvious?" Alexander says. "The supplies. The breeding supplies, presumably." He looks...amused? At the very least, intrigued, and reaches out to take the book when it's brought over to them. "I assume there's some sort of ritual involved. Maybe our archeologist can interpret it," he adds, with a sidelong look towards Isabella.

"The book might have instructions," Isabella remarks when she's tasked to figuring this out. There's a glance at the finger puppets though, and she blanches. "Though judging by the look of them, I think you...have to wear the puppet with a finger and...uh." She doesn't say it, but in many ways, the gestures she makes are worse. "What does the book say, Alexander?"

"...yep. That's what I thought," Isabella says to Enzo and Alexander, with the expression that says that sometimes, she hates it when she's right.

There is a curious look at the author's pages, however - the T. Addington and the familiar scribbles in crayon. "This isn't the first time I've seen anything like this, though," she murmurs.

"T. Addington. God damn it," Enzo mutters and almost looks like he wants to toss the box. "I hate him." He looks at the fingerpuppets and the one with the gold acorn and then at all the gnomes. "FINE." He pulls the puppets out and puts them on his fingers. He does it very, very, very carefully. "I guess this could be a whole lot worse."

"Well, look at that. They're already Addingtons after all. You'll have to remember to send invitations to the next holiday dinner," Alexander says, tonelessly, as he reads the book, showing the pictures with a sort of unmistakable glee to the other humans. His lips twitch. "Go ahead, Enzo. It's a boy. Or a girl. Or an acorn." He gives Isabella a look. "Oh? Where?"

"This is gnome-incest," he points out to Alexander in a serious tone.

"A few things that were sent to Hyacinth that I helped her catalogue and examine," Isabella tells Alexander under her breath. "I'll give you and Enzo the run down later once he's taught his loyal subjects how gnome sex-ed works." And also because the scene isn't finished.

"Only in a thaumaturgical sense, really. No blood or fluids are exchanging," Alexander points out, cheerfully. And he points to the page where it talks about rubbing acorns. "Help the poor guys out." He's enjoying this WAY TOO MUCH, and shares a grin with Isabella.

"Damnit." Enzo mutters and wiggles the finger puppets. He holds up the finger with the golden acorn, "Does anyone here have a golden acorn?? You take your not golden acorns and touch them to the other... acorns that are golden and then babies come in a few hours. You have to like, rub them together and stuff. Like this." And he demonstrates with the finger puppets. I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS ALEXANDER.

Alexander is. SO MUCH.

Damn it, Alexander. She's trying not to laugh. You're not helping. This is serious business.

...but once Enzo starts explaining everything, Isabella turns her face into the grass, and cries laughing. She's a mess, covered in pee, she probably would have developed a rash were it not for Alexander's capable hands, but there's a limit to shenanigans and she's managed to hit it.

"Oh. My. God." Enzo doesn't look away, he can only stare in shock as this scene unfolds. He looks around and then over at Isabella, who is laughing. HE WILL REMEMBER THIS. But honestly, having to demonstrate gnome sex to the gnomes is way better than having to have sex with his gnome-cousins or having to like, honestly do anything else with them that involves bodily fluids. So when Saldri demands more demonstrations from Bozo, Enzo closes his eyes and takes a breath. "I can't fucking... just fuck my life." But he does it. HE DOES IT ANYWAY. He takes the puppet that has a non-glowing acorn and he goes to Saldri and... he SHOWS THE GNOMES HOW TO TOUCH ACORNS. But he is not happy about it. And he stops as soon as he can.

Alexander reaches out to put a hand on Isabella's back, rubbing it as she cries with laughter into the ground. He, on the other hand, can't tear his eyes away from this whole...THIS. And as poor Enzo has to go into DEMONSTRATE, he also loses it. He just cracks up, throws his head back, and practically howls with laughter.

With Alexander laughing his ass off - and this is rare, you guys, usually it's just her that manages to consistently drive him to it, Isabella looks up at what's happening. And at the sight of the golden acorn and Enzo moving to demonstrate, she is back on the ground, her spine upon it this time, her arms curled tight around her ribs, because she's laughing so hard that it actually hurts. She leans into Alexander, and practically weeps tears of mirth. She can't. She can't. It's both glorious and ridiculous and she's also irrationally angry now that she can't take a picture of this moment because the Veil won't allow it.

"YOU SAID TO SHOW THEM!" Enzo yells at Saldri. Look this is all very confusing and Enzo is not a gnome-sex-ed teacher. He was not prepared for this. And then, just like that, the gnomes all go underground to start breeding with Saldri. He pulls the puppets off of his finger and puts them back in the box. "Alright, fucking, Mr. and Ms. Laughing McGee, when you're done having seizures on the ground, LET ME KNOW. So that I can open the door and get us out of here." STOP LAUGHING YOU GUYS.

It takes a little while. Alexander isn't the sort to let himself have a really GOOD laugh very often, so when one comes, he gives himself over to it until he's wheezing for breath. When it finally slows down to a trickle, he says, "You...touched the acorn. The acorn." And he's off again for a bit. Until finally he wipes his eyes. "Okay, okay. We can go. But we got peed on for you. That's true friendship."

Oh christ. When Isabella finally stops, she's red on the face. "Enzo, I'm...it's...that was amazing. You saved your new subjects, your Majesty, your line is secure!" She can't help it, okay? She wipes her eyes and she tries with wobbly legs to stand up, carrying the book. "I think these things came from the other side, so they should be safe to take with us. I think your grandfather actually penned this. As a child. I recognize it in other things. But yeah, let's get going." She reaches down in an attempt to pull Alexander up from the ground.

"Also he's right about the pee. LOOK AT ME. Getting golden showered by a gnome was not in my agenda today."