2020-05-15 - Post-Freakout Analysis

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay, off work. so uh that was a thing!

(TXT to Itzhak) August : it sure as hell was. I should have taken a picture, when I first walked up they were both texting on their phones with these looks on their faces

(TXT to August) Itzhak : lol jesus

(TXT to Itzhak) August : how's he taking it, sounded like they were both giving him the fifth degree

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ehhhhhhhh.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay but. why the hell is Cavanaugh so fucking mad

(TXT to August) Itzhak : not to put too fine a point on it but it's none of his fucking business

(TXT to Itzhak) August : they both seemed to feel they were owed information about one another. in her case it's obvious why; they're still trying to figure out how they are as kid and dad.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : cavanaugh, not so sure but if I had to guess it's to do with, you know, whatever used to be going on with them.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : like, yeah, I can see why Finch wants to know even though it ain't any of hers either. but Cavanaugh?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : a lot of people think they're owed information from their loved ones.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : he made out like I shoulda told him. okay but he's gonna be waiting a long fucking time for me to tell him de la Vega's business

(TXT to Itzhak) August : nah he's wrong there, it's NOT your business to share. you did the right thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean I hate to say it but, there's more than a little entitled rich hot guy about him, you know?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so it's not a shocker he feels owed that sort of thing.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay, good to hear for once I didn't fuck everything up. heh yeah, it's why I get all fired up being jealous of him

(TXT to August) Itzhak : he's like me from an alternate dimension, except rich and shit

(TXT to Itzhak) August : eh, I think you've got things in common, but a lot not. plenty enough to be friends, obviously. but sometimes he's gonna be a rich white guy. like right now.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : entitlement's hard to kick when you're raised to it. worse that he was actually being deprived of being who he could be, being queer in the military. fucks you up in so many ways.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : remember you told me about that before. That in a way, a building falling on you was a good thing. man, I can't imagine if I had to ... like yeah I never told my ma, and Pop died early, but if I had to suffocate myself being queer? Christ

(TXT to August) Itzhak : kinda expect I'm gonna have to tell Ma sooner rather than later though

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I'll be honest with you--I bet she knows

(TXT to Itzhak) August : she's a mother to a queer Jewish autistic kid, I feel like she didn't miss one of those things amidst the rest

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ....ugh

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and, yeah. sometimes it's hard to remember that I got out of sarajevo with my life, which isn't something I can say for a lot of other people. and it was early enough that being queer's the one thing I didn't have to lose.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : it's really fucked up that you gotta consider that lucky in a way. just about everyone in this town's like that, though, you notice? we're all fucked up but can kinda be considered lucky. that's probably the most fucked up thing

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I feel like that's part of the Art. power doesn't come free. but the bad shit that brought it to us pulled a lot of us out of other bad shit. there's a cycle there, like...a cycle of survival.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : 'nobody gets out of it, having to swim through the fires to stay in this world'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : is that from a song? sounds like it's from a song

(TXT to Itzhak) August : Mary Oliver. amazing poet. queer lady. 'I thought the Earth remembered me, she took me back so tenderly, arranging her dark skirts, her pockets full of lichens and seeds'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : whoo, yeah that sounds like a queer lady all right. thanks, though, that's beautiful

(TXT to Itzhak) August : if she didn't have Glimmer, she knew what it was like, one way or another. I've got some books of hers, if you wanna borrow 'em. out of print ones

(TXT to August) Itzhak : de la Vega is always telling me poetry. in Spanish so I don't understand it of course, ornery fucker. which reminds me, man I miss Ignacio. don't tell him I said so

(TXT to Itzhak) August : just texted him. and you can read some Oliver back to him. see how long it takes before he rips your clothes off.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : haaa I dunno, poetry ain't my thing. okay so seriously I'm a little freaked out by Cavanaugh and Finch both freaking out at me

(TXT to Itzhak) August : Finch was just worried you were being cheated on. I think she didn't realize de la Vega's poly. which, fair enough, that's a reasonable mistake for her to make, they're still getting to know one another.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : which is hilarious considering how he used to bang everything that came along

(TXT to August) Itzhak : that's how we got Finch in the first place!

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean that's not being poly that's fucking whomever

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ehhh fair I GUESS

(TXT to Itzhak) August : trust me, I'd know.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : so why'd you stop?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : poly. not banging whoever.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so I spent a long time out in the forest by myself as a forester. it gave me plenty of time to think. and I realized that I was out of...the juice, really, to manage it. the separation, you know? the boundaries you need for that. I think grad school in Seattle was too much. cost me to be in a city that size for so long. that was the price.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : that had to take you years you had to put up with the city. and it ain't like here. Seattle's loud

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah. I wanted to love it. and I did, in a way. for a while. but it's like those stories about the sun and the moon and how they can't be together? that's me and cities anymore. I took every opportunity for an research trip out in the field. got into forestry as soon as I was out. swear I hadn't slept that good in nine years as I did that first night in Olympic.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : God, that war. You had it so rough. Glad Ellie's gonna take care of you now

(TXT to Itzhak) August : eh, no more or less rough than most of the rest of you, really. anyways, who says I'm not taking care of her?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh, you totally are, of course. you wouldn't marry a girl you didn't take care of. but still.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...Fincheleh asked me if I was SURE about Cavanaugh, and I couldn't answer her. fact is, no I ain't sure. but hell, that's life

(TXT to Itzhak) August : damn straight. but it's true, she does take care of me. and I worry I'm taking advantage of that. that it's more than she shuold have to do.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : with de la Vega? well look, it's okay, if you're not sure, long as you're honest with yourself about that. maybe de la Vega as well.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : no reason to not let him take the temp of that situation, keep an eye on it.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : should, what is this "should"? don't measure yourself in should, man, that'll drive you meshuggener

(TXT to Itzhak) August : that ship has sailed and foundered off the coast of Florida to form a reef

(TXT to August) Itzhak : and yeah, yeah I'm not sure. sometimes I'm surer than other times. mostly I'm not so sure. what I'm sure of is that de la Vega is crazy about me, and that I don't have it in me to watch him pining. so that's kinda the data I'm working with

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hah. right? easier said than done

(TXT to Itzhak) August : if he's going to pine, it's better to see where it goes. how it goes. otherwise you're just that guy telling him no. bad position to be in.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : he...kind of liked it, though? in a way? telling him no. but he was still pining and it was giving me an ulcer

(TXT to Itzhak) August : probably because it feels like being wanted. it's a fine line there, possessiveness and jealousy vs. insecurity, and how they make someone feel valued.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : you know I've never lived with anybody before, not really? had plenty of roommates, okay who occasionally I wound up schtupping, done a lot of staying over at someone's place, of course you have to live out of some other guy's ass crack in prison, but.... not like he wants me to.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : feels good, yeah?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : God it feels good.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay but seriously don't worry that Ellie is taking on too much somehow with you. you're not, like, a dog with a broken leg she picked up off the street

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I only have once. it was real nice though. didn't work out long term, he was going to Europe to become a sculptor. but it was nice in the mean time.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : a dog with a broken leg she picked up off the street.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : was that the most flattering comparison I could have made or what

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I'm sure you could have done worse. (this is not an invitation to try.)

(TXT to Itzhak) August : since it's you I'm surprised you didn't go for 'beater she found abandoned in a junkyard with a bent frame'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : but SERIOUSLY seriously you think of yourself as some kinda major burden and you're not. you're just not

(TXT to Itzhak) August : give me time.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ....to be real honest the reason I didn't was because the beater is easy to fix

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you're terrible, and I'm paying kelly to give you a lapdance at my stag party.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : given you a year now, better get a fuckin move on

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh Christ no. by which I mean, way too much yes

(TXT to Itzhak) August : alright. making another go at this whole sleep thing. wish me luck.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : aight. not me, got a lot of Overwatch to play.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : kick some butt for me.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : o7