2020-10-01 - Batting for Team Humanity

Ignacio is taking five minutes (or more) across the street. Sitting on the bench, elbows resting on knees; hands folded around his phone not in use hanging between his knees. His expression is neutral but his thoughts are everywhere else right now. Long fingers push back through his hair before returning to a thoughtful state of rest. Everyone has demons. Some days they are hard to deal with, but even the Golden Boy of Gray Harbor is not-exempt from being their chew toy.

Quite some time passes before Ravn actually makes it out of the coffee shop. When he does, the tall Dane looks pretty collected in the fashion that he usually does -- the way of someone who keeps himself together by ignoring everything that might make him struggle to keep it together. He wanders over but says nothing -- just stands there next to the bench, hands firmly in blazer pockets, silent.

Ignacio looking p to the feet and up up to the face of the Dane approaching is not fear or anger. It might be concern. He offers quietly, "Need a seat? I got a bench." There's a slight smile offered as an olive branch. His head shakes a little bit with a sigh, "This city, man. You okay?" Yeah, he's asking. It's normal, very very normal, to steady the nerves.

Ravn shuts his eyes a moment, then sits down. "Had to fence off an anxiety attack back there. Managed. You? I think I pissed you off. Sorry about that."

Ignacio sloooowly nods and looks to Ravn with some empathy and points, phone in hand before pocketing it. "I feel ya, man. Sometimes... sometimes it likes to rise up and grab a hold of things put to rest and shake the dust off of them." A side nod welcome the company without any visible rancor. "Not pissed. Just... complex. Sit. It's nice out here." Looking up dark eyes scan the sky wondering, "The day definitely has a mood to it doesn't it?" He lets Ravn just breathe and take in the world being still even if its heavy with emotion. As if being clear because it helps to hear, "My past and this city is not your fault, friend. Im no mad at you." He might be mad, but Ravn's apparently in the clear even if the smaller Spaniard is coming to grips with it.

"I am not a people person. People keep thinking that I am. That I'm great with being friendly and answering questions and getting folks turned in the right direction. I'm not. I'm good at bullshitting my way through until I can run away. That's the truth of it." Ravn grips one hand with the other, trying to disguise a small tremor. "Zoey and Monaghan there, they need to talk to somebody like you, somebody who knows what's going on here. What not to do. And that someone is not me."

Ignacio arches a eyebrow and looks back to the coffee shop and back. "Monaghan? Like Felix Monaghan 'Monaghan'?" Blinking that makes him a little nervous. "hat's... interesting." And wary as hell. Looking back o Ravn he snickers, "Man I think you just admitted to being a human being. I dunno I'm ready to talk to teaching someone related to a so-called criminal empire how to cheat reality and use the veil? If that's him." Concerns are concerning. However... "If people need help, that's something..."

There's a very, very tired sigh when fingers fold and prop under his chin as his head turns to regard Ravn. "People in this town have reality skewed. You are in a desperate situation, you find something that gives you leverage and you lean on it like a crutch. Like being addicted t pain killers it works great, but before you know it you don't realize it's quietly wearing your kidneys or your liver down. What you thought made you a super hero is really what you invite in to be the end of you... without responsibility, ya know?"

"Seth Monaghan. Wouldn't surprise me if he had a past, seems kind of rough around the edges. Doesn't strike me as criminal empire anything, though." Ravn keeps his hands on each other and his eyes on his hands. "Zoey, I didn't catch her last name. She's a street artist from -- somewhere big. Quiet, shy. I worry more about her than I do about him. He's the kind of bloke who knows how to punch monsters in the teeth. She's not."

Ignacio takes a deep breath with a slow nod. "Hey few of em do and, ya know, I guess what we do now is most important? Just... be careful." Looking up to Ravn there's a story there, perhaps, but the best way to slow down. Focus elsewhere. He leans sideways with a brief nudge of one shoulder to his writing buddy's.

"Itzhak Rosencrantz has a past but he's hardly a villain," Ravn points out. "Not everyone's born with a silver spoon, I reckon."

Ignacio tilts his head and looks at Ravn curiously. "Yeah I mean... I know. He's been my mechanic since just after I got my licence. We grew up in the same neighborhood, but that doesn't make him a villain, man. Being a mechanic isn't disreputable." Iggy reasoning here. He's trying. His hand comes up to wipe his face and work on that sitting rather quiet.

"You never know who is listening who is gonna be the one to go after our family though." That quiet knowledge offered from a place of knowing and regret.

Ravn weaves his fingers in between each other to keep them steady. He's aware that if he wanted to keep the other man from noticing the tension of the anxiety attack that didn't quite manage to happen he should keep those hands in his pockets. He doesn't really care. Every now and then you meet someone who's been there themselves, gotten a handful of the t-shirts, and knows the drill. Ignacio de Santos gives off the impression of very much being one of those people whom life has kicked to the ground several times but somehow, he still got back on his feet, and he's still smiling.

"That's what I meant," the Dane says quietly. "Rosencrantz told me he's done time, he's got a past, and I'd give him my spare house keys in a second. Seth Monaghan -- he's a bruiser of some sort, past or present. The way he carries himself, the occasional thing he says -- he's been around the block a few times. But he's pretty relaxed and he offered to give me some self defence pointers. This town? I'm willing to give anyone human the benefit of doubt until they give me reason not to. Monaghan may just be somebody trying to start over."

There's a lot the Dane doesn't know about Gray Harbor; who actually runs a lot of it behind the scenes is obviously on that list.

Ignacio lifts up his hands, a bit stressed listening looking a bit confused as the conversation just wanders away from whatever point he was trying to make, but no less valid. "N-no. That's not..." God he's tired and he just listens, eyes watering, and eyelashes clumping together. The heartbreak on him is palpable like a soap bubble of feeling that one cna poke with a finger; fragile and possibly just waiting to pop.

His face comes to rest in his hands his back shuddering. "THat's so far from what I'm talking about... I don't know... how .... this isn't about Itzhak, or any one person or not... Man I am not going oto say not to forgive and help some- I'm not a hypocrite. I'm tryin-" the words catch dry in his throat, his body shivering with defeat and emotion.

"There are people who work for them. we... " there's a sigh as he tries to compose himself. "There's something over there we don't know about. The Dark Men. There's people who work for them. We don't know who but people who want to make things worse, and other people who WILL hunt and hurt people who can... see the truth and try to do things with it. I've been killed twice. I had to watch my girlfriend get tortured. I've seen innocent people suffer. Someone. tried. to run me down. with. a. bus. It put people I care about through a lot. I don't... I can't do that to them again."

Shaking his head he sighs, "I'm scared. I try... every... day when I close my eyes I still see 'it'. This inevitable place I'll wind up in. Cold, abandoned, forever nothing in the snow... telling me things I never want to hear and trying to push it out but...it's hard, and every day feels like waiting. Waiting for that to happen and wondering how much time I can manage to make things a little better before it takes me. The Veil? yeah it's no joke. It's fun but it's not fucking around and I don't get why people think they're invincible... or okay to how off. It's what they want us to do so they can find us. We don't even know who is working for em." Tilting his head to the side he realizes slowly that his own glimmer is leaking out in projected feeling and tries, now, to pull it back.

Apologetically he offers, "I'm sorry. There's no preparing someone for that but it's not... it's not a carnival. Like science it can do good but that doesn't mean it's not dangerous if mishandled."

Ravn falls quiet for some time. Fingers intertwined so that they will not reveal to anyone else how tense he is. On the outside, just some bloke on a bench, all calm and composure. On the inside, not so much.

Eventually, though, he breaks the silence, speaking very softly: "You are saying that there are people. Humans. Who work for the Dark Men. Against the rest of us. That it's not us against the aliens. It's us against the aliens, and every double agent the aliens have deployed in order to find out who we are."

Ignacio sighs and just focuses on going still; controlling his fears and his emotions to prevent them from leaking out and making a situation worse. With a tiredness beyond his age from a weary heart he says, "Yes. All people aren't...bad. I'm not sure the ones that work for them even ...realize what they're doing is having the effect it is, you know? People... they do the best they can and...and sometimes they don't realize they're reacting in fear. It's all some people can do."

There's a pause and in a more defeated but calm manner even though the storm of feelings may be always with him, "It sucks man. Honestly? It's why I write the paper. Try to give people hope but... in a way that doesn't... I don't know. No one has the answers. We're guessing and that place has made people...do... things." His eyes squeeze shut trying to close out the mental memory.

"We can only make.. the choices we can the best we can. We can't save everyone all the time but we can do our best. We can try to not let it consume us and we... well we cope as best as we can." There's a bitter laugh as he adds on with dry humor, "And try not to get addicted to our coping mechanism. That's... that's kidna hard sometimes."

"Hope is good. Without it, there's not a lot of point to even breathing." Ravn shakes his head lightly, though what he is rejecting remains unclear. "I get the need for coping mechanisms, though. At first I thought -- it was a little silly, everyone telling me to find one that works for me. But I am starting to see how this place works, how it gets to you. However, antidepressives and anti-anxiety drugs nearly did my head in back home -- they're great for when you need them, but what I have isn't so much depression as it's just... being me. I usually cope by walking away."

The Dane looks up again, not particularly proud of his admission but also not visibly embarrassed by it. "Literally did that for three years. Every time people started to know my name, ask where I went yesterday, just -- get on the next Greyhound to wherever. 'Don't get attached'. But I can't do that now, because I have gotten attached. I think I'm flailing a bit about that, maybe. Finding out what will work for me. So far I have had people suggest --" he ticks off on gloved fingers "-- getting drunk a lot, getting laid a lot, joining a gym, or smoking cannabis. Pretty sure none of those are going to work for me."

Ignacio listens. The eyebrow goes up listening with a slow nod of agreement. Run. He really gets that even if his body's given out on the concept. In the end there's a small, half-smile, calmer as they both just take the moment to breathe. "Well how about a friend? I can give you that and ya know, the meetings I'm going to on the regular really aren't total bullshit after all." reaching into his pocket he pulls out his 6 month chip.

"I got another one coming up. Milestone ya know, and sometimes? Sometimes it's okay to not be okay. No amount of getting drugged, laid, or stoned is going to fix the fear man. It's not going to fix fear or grief or anxiety... okay Xanax does do wonders for that, but shutting the door is not going to get the wolves off the porch. I just haven't figured out how to keep em off ya know but... company helps. Helps me. And... I appreciate you coming out here to check up on my ass. I'm not like them. I can't just pretend things don't happen or see people indifferently."

Ravn smiles at the other man slightly. "Friends is what this town is all about, to me. Why I want to stay, instead of just -- keep on walking. And that's exactly what I am telling myself too. That things aren't going to get any easier to handle by adding complications such as whose wife exactly did I trip last night while drunk, and uh, did I get her number? But people do what helps them in the moment, I suppose."

The tall Dane looks back in the direction of the Espresso Yourself for a moment and scratches the stubble on his chin (which is not at all casual, he goes to some effort to get it to just the right length, thank you very much). "I can, you know. Tell myself that whatever's going on with folks isn't my problem. That's part of the whole don't get attached thing. It's very easy. Just, shut your eyes, tell yourself it's Somebody Else's Problem, keep right on moving. But it leaves you empty inside, and in a town like Gray Harbor, I'm pretty willing to bet that it also leaves you in an early grave. Here, you're either on Team Humanity, or you're playing for the other team."

Ignacio relaxed and pats the Dane on the shoulder, a brief squeeze, and lets it go. "Honestly? It's why I like ya man. Caring is hard to do and never overrated. Don't let the fear take that from you. It's just... hard some days and... that's why we got write club. You ever get stuck though? Call me. Come over. I don't care. Friends do that too. I mean Finch is shy but she gets it. She really does. It's not a bother." Looking back to the coffee shop he sighs, looks down and then back to the much taller man apologetically. "Sorry for falling apart a bit. Some... sometimes it gets to me too. Ya never get used to it, but... I think maybe that is a good thing, ya know?"

"Ignacio, I have anxiety attacks where all I'm capable of doing is sit very still and wait for my hands to stop shaking. I don't hear a word people say. I don't have the first idea what's happening around me. All I'm capable of during an episode is trying to remember how to breathe, and wait." Ravn speaks quietly, matter-of-factly, in the tone of someone who's been there, and probably subscribes to the quarterly novelty t-shirt. "You've got nothing to apologise for. If anyone needs to be apologising, I'm the one who stuck my foot in my mouth. I do that. A lot. People skills? Haven't got them. This -- happens. To you, to me, to anyone who's gone through some things they'd rather forget. I'm terrified it'll happen to me in a dream -- again."

"Rosencrantz told me something this morning." He interrupts himself, remembering. "I've made some pretty stupid choices lately -- mostly because I like to fancy myself a clever cookie. He said, this is how they get you. For him -- that he wants to protect people, so they bloody well hurt people he cares about. For me -- leading me around, letting me think I have things figured out and I know what I'm doing, and then breaking the rules on me. Like my own shell game -- I cheat by stealing the nut so no matter what cup you lift, it's not there. That's what they do right back at me."

Ignacio presses his lips together and nods slowly. "That's the right of it. I mean you follow the clues or you learn the hard way. It's not... it's not always awful. But... if you ever, like, need the world to stay outside for a while? Let me know. I can't do a lot, but I am pretty good at making the bullshit subside if you ever need it. The, um, the quiet man. " Iggy bites at the less animated side of his lip and considers this thoughtfully with a shrug, "Sometimes the quiet helps."

"If you ever see me just... Sitting still, hands shaking... I might need some quiet. Maggi Gyre did that to me once. It did help." Ravn looks at the ground. "It's not as bad as it used to be. Travelling has helped a lot. Taking control of my own life, making my own bad choices instead of trying to live up to other people's expectations. Hey, at least they are my bad decisions now. Are you going to be all right?"

Ignacio tilts his head to the side and reasons, "If I see you just sittin still I'll come sit with ya. It's okay. Happens. We'll get better and... we'll get better as we go. Little bit." At the question of is he going to be alright? He considers this, shrugs and says, "Gotta be. I got people I care about I'm going to be here for." It's an affirmation; a goal. "It'll just take a little time."