2020-11-22 - Minor Panic

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so hey I am never again eating tacos not made by de la vega or myself, not ever, and I hope every single taco truck and cart vendor will forgive me

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I am willing to let Ignacio give it a shot, under de la vega's close supervision.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh christ I don't want to know. I DO NOT want to know don't tell me.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : not gonig to. although I did see Alexander and Kelly's butts, so I can mark off those squares on my bingo card.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh I've seen Kelly's ass, you're up on Alexander on me though, dammit.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : it's true that kelly doesn't strike me as a man overly concerned with people catching a glance, you know?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...I think Isolde just texted me

(TXT to Itzhak) August : mmmm yeah I ran across her in the coffee shop. she said something about being back from Portland.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oh no. oh no oh no what am I gonna say to her

(TXT to August) Itzhak : what am I gonna do

(TXT to Itzhak) August : nothing? that's on the table.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I can't do NOTHING

(TXT to Itzhak) August : or you can keep it to hey you doing okay, how did portland treat you

(TXT to Itzhak) August : did I tell you, I ran across an ex of mine in the hotel lobby when we were checking out in seattle? boy that was awkward

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...ahahah no you didn't say. guy or girl

(TXT to Itzhak) August : uh, hi, jan, how are you? oh, yeah I'm good, just uh, was here for a bachelor party...my bachelor party...

(TXT to August) Itzhak : what if she's mad at me? what if she wants to go out again? I'm gonna have to tell her I live with de la Vega and I said yes to him after I said no to her, what am I gonna TELL HER

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay but is jan hot

(TXT to Itzhak) August : guy. janardan, Indian. Super hot, just, he doesn't have the Art

(TXT to Itzhak) August : maybe she'll be mad at you about that. she's allowed to be. but it's not as if you did her wrong by saying no to her when you weren't feeling it. that SUCKS but it's honest. it's not setting you two up for failure.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : jan and I were pretty serious but at the end of the day he knew I wasn't telling him everything. and of course I couldn't, how do I explain it to him? I can't.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hooo yeah that's pretty fuckin awkward. and how can you explain it to him? yeah you were great but I met someone who has superpowers

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so he went to Beth Israel for a fellowship and I didn't stop him. which was pretty much where we left it. you know, after a massive argument.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and then I see him in the hotel. so yeah. awkward. he was a gentleman about it, though.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yes 'sorry I met someone with the same fucked up superpowers as I have, you know how it goes'

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and about isolde, it's important to remember, you two weren't married, didn't sign a mortgage, anything like that. what I'm getting at is, it sucks it didn't work out but neither of you had some disastrous life outcome over it

(TXT to Itzhak) August : anyways, maybe you said yes to de la vega for reasons you don't get at the moment. also not awesome for her but not exactly disingenuous of you.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I didn't fight with Isolde. or Bex actually. couldn't. just couldn't. fought with every other person i ever broke up with but I just let them go and maybe I should have fought about it, I dunno.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : how was she? was she...okay?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : she seemed okay--herself, you know, she's always a little spacey. not hurt, though.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : maybe you should've. hard to say. jan fought, because he wanted to stay with me. I know that much. he wasn't trying to be an asshole. he just didn't understand. but maybe it was better you didn't, because it doesn't run the risk of leaving things in a broken place.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I didn't because how could I say leaving town wasn't the right thing to do? they didn't just dump me, they left the state.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : you can argue without saying leaving town isn't the right thing to do, I know you, you're a smart man.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : though I guess threading that kind of social needle isn't your style

(TXT to August) Itzhak : feh. flatterer

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and look, they're the ones who made those choices. I mean, sure, it's a small town, how could they avoid you, but it's not that hard, not really.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ugh i'm so verklempt. they both broke up with me because i'm a fucking failure and i ain't exactly improved since

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I would suggest you be chill except you're not good at that, so instead: accept that she might be upset with you on some level, for moving in with de la vega and not her. it's gonna be okay.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I have no chill! You know this!

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay. (followed by bouncing dots)

(TXT to Itzhak) August : eh, they broke up with you for not having your life in a spot that jived with them. that's not great but it's not disastrous. you're not exactly doing jello shots and lines of coke off hookers and knee deep in gambling debt.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : here's me telling you to do another thing you suck at: go easy on yourself, just a little.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : (more dots)

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah. okay. maybe you got a good point.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I thought I was over her but guess not

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and look, if she wants to go out again, be straight with her. not straight straight but, you know, honest. no bandaids.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : yeah. I can't. I'd let her down again and I can't.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : de la Vega...he takes me like I am. you know?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : right. and it's fine if you want to change, for you.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : but you shouldn't feel like you need to stuff yourself into another shape for someone. that's the path to resentment.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : if it's not obvious that's why I bring up jan. I was trying to not be the guy who'd had a weird unexplainable experience on top of ptsd. eventually I realized that wasn't possible.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : except I also had no way to explain to him who I was, and I can't blame him for being mad about that.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : oy gevalt. Yeah it's like being in a whole new closet

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...guess I never thought they were trying to change me, but, actually they kinda were

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah, it really was. which I'm sure added to why he was so upset, dating someone who's closeted can be rough for both parties, in its way.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, maybe they weren't. but even if not, you weren't in the same place as them, so it was change, or, they change. which isn't fair to either of you. it just is what it is.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ugh why is life like this. you know I never really dated anyone closeted until de la Vega and even then he's the only one who thinks he's closeted

(TXT to Itzhak) August : don't make me laugh about being closeted damn it

(TXT to Itzhak) August : we're not taught to be honest with one another. especially men--we're raised to be entitled dicks. rewarded for it, even.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : this is what happens when you have 2 sisters, a nurse for a mom, and a gay aunt. you get your shit unlearned real fast.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : Christ knows I acted like an entitled dick about so much shit. feel terrible about it. kinda wish I had someone like your aunt to tell me to get my shit together.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : we don't all luck out in the relatives department. and hey, you wonder why I always try to help you guys with shit? this is why. pay it forward.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ugh, we don't deserve you, bubbeleh

(TXT to Itzhak) August : ha! I can feel my family laughing to death and gearing up the stories.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : sometime our families will meet and swap all them stories and I'll try to dig a hole and pull it in after me

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I even Dreamed about someone who was kinda like a gay mentor, I just remembered that. didn't have one in real life, but in this dream, the math teacher was living with a guy and he would kinda invite me to talk to him. and he was kind and no bullshit, a lot like you

(TXT to Itzhak) August : ha, I'm flattered I think. I wouldn't mind being able to do that sort of thing, only...not sure I could do it full time, you know?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : do you think he was real? I mean,they make us feel stuff like that to take it away. but maybe he was also a real person.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : shit, I don't know. he FELT real, though. felt like a person. a lot of Their stuff doesn't feel like real people. he did. had favorite books, had a ring he was going to propose to his boyfriend with. had a specific car. That I made the doors fall off when I was trying to jimmy the lock with the Song lol

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah, that sort of thing, those fine details, that's why I asked. so maybe he's out there, somewhere.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : ...okay don't take this the wrong way but...jimmying the lock with your power seems like it'd come easy to you. how did you make the doors fall off, exactly.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : was one of those dreams where a bunch of people were teenagers and in the same high school. as fuckin unlikely as THAT would be. and the song acted a little haywire. so I was like, no problem, pop the door, and the fucking doors fell off. also I think a tire turned out of alignment. oy was my face red

(TXT to August) Itzhak : also I had a fight with Abildgaard

(TXT to Itzhak) August : oh, I had one of those. yeah I couldn't get my Art to work for shit. had to drag Alexander out. fortunately I was 17 and not all busted up.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : like, a fight fight, or a yelling fest.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : okay I have to ask what about because I know you've never met a fight you didn't want to pick but he's kind of the opposite of you, so I feel like this would cancel itself out. you'd want to fight and he'd say 'no' and then what

(TXT to August) Itzhak : okay well in the dream teenage me punched teenage him for being a prick. but out here in real world grownupland where I never do such juvenile things, i just kinda lost my shit at him.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : it turns out he's rich. he's not just rich, he's some kind of noble. he said below royalty but above ...idk, something else. he's a count. and he's been hiding it. bussing tables like it ain't no thing.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : a count? is that really still a thing? I figured after kings and queens and maybe princes and princesses it was all bullshit handwaving

(TXT to Itzhak) August : surprise level in a teenaged dream you punched someone in the face is definitely a big fat zero.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, I guess I assumed there was money somewhere, since he's not worrying about survival that way most people in his position would be. I just figured it was 'rich eccentric uncle sticking it to the parents' or whatever

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so setting aside that teen you punching teen him, despite being in a construct, sounds pretty expected...what got you all worked up? so he's rich and slumming it. maybe his parents suck and he's hiding from them.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...well I feel really fucking stupid now. no, I just... I thought he was like me. some guy down on his luck, trying to put his life back together. way he says it, that's actually pretty true. but it CAN'T be THAT true if he's rich and owns a castle?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I don't know if he owns a castle. I didn't ask because I really might have popped him one if the answer was yes

(TXT to Itzhak) August : so you're feeling tricked? like you shoulda known he was a rich count and not a normal person, and the joke's on you.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : but he's also not the first rich legacy person you've met and wanted to clock, least we forget Joe the literal astronaut.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : look, I can't describe it, i feel like some rich kid pretended he was a poor schmuck from a rough neighborhood like me and then it turns out he's fucking rich. I had no clue. except I like him. I like him a lot. I think he likes me, so why would he lie? ...no, he told me why he lied, it's because he can't stand BEING a count and being rich. which, haha, that's easy for him to say

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, I'm sure there's more to it than 'woe is me, being rich is hard'. if I had to put money on it, I'd bet his family are real pieces of work. but it's easier to say 'I sure hated not having to worry about money' than it is to say 'I had money, but my family were shitbags and I wanted to die'.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : ...yeah. actually that's exactly what he said. I maybe wasn't being so fair just now

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I mean, maybe. but it's not the most unreasonable thing, to feel like someone was shining you on rather than being evasive because it hurt, when it comes to how we grew up.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : tons of rich kids in portland who I knew in HS had no idea how to deal with the fact that they didn't have problems I did. it bugged them, almost like...they thought I had a great excuse, I guess?

(TXT to August) Itzhak : like, a great excuse to be pissed off with the world? While they were like, what do I got, a nice car and rich parents, why do I got to be mad about?

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah, maybe that was it. like, I was poor, so I was allowed to have bad days. it was weird, I didn't really get it. obviously rich parents can be shitty! why should that be a surprise

(TXT to August) Itzhak : I will say nobody ever questioned why I was mad. that was a kind of fucked up blessing

(TXT to August) Itzhak : rich parents probably stand a better than even chance of being shitty because rich people are shitty

(TXT to Itzhak) August : I wasn't gonna say it but...yeah. they're not held accountable the same way.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : which I guess is why we got a pass on being angry young men in fights. 'can't help themselves'

(TXT to August) Itzhak : feh, we both know it's true

(TXT to Itzhak) August : yeah...yeah.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : basically, you have a right to feel mad at him for not being 100% honest. just remember a lot of us have shit we don't tell other people, not always for reasons that make sense.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : now that you mention it, there's a lot I haven't told him, either

(TXT to Itzhak) August : exactly. and hey, that's your choice.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : a good friend can be a good friend without knowing all the secrets, dirty and otherwise.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : and sure, he probably doesn't know what it's like to be really poor, as in, have no fallback position if things get real bad. but unless he's trying to act like he does, look at it like this: now you can make bougie jokes with him

(TXT to Itzhak) August : threaten him with a guillotine if he gets too annoying, then when he corrects you and says that was France, you can be extra American and declare it all the same. etc.

(TXT to August) Itzhak : hah. you have the best ideas. okay... I mean I wanna keep him. I don't want this to be a thing where I decide to be so much of a dick that I drive him off.

(TXT to Itzhak) August : good. because, honestly, he could use some good friends too.