2021-12-13 - Scalpels and Hammers

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Scalpels and hammers. You can do that empathy trick too, can't you? The "Mind Xanax" thing. Seems like a lot of people can. Also, hi, hope I'm not interrupting something exciting.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes, I can. Hello. 🙂 I was just playing with the cat.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I was trying to work something out. Decided to go talk to de la Vega about it because he's done that to me, a couple of times. And it works, you know? But I kind of lost control of the situation, and now I am finding that I have the worst second day tequila hangover and even more questions.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : What were you trying to work out? And it is easy to lose control of a situation with Javier.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : The calming trick. It's saved my tail a few times by now. Prevented me from locking up in anxiety or worse, panicking. And someone being able to tell my screwball nerve system to take a chill pill and stop acting up for a few hours has been useful a few times, too. I want to find out if there is any way I can learn to do something like it.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Also, tell me about it. At least he thinks fast on his feet. Let me tell you about the time we got elected Prom King and Queen together, sometime. Speaking of times that calming trick came in handy.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Through abilities? No. I'm one of the strongest empaths I've ever met, and look at me. It's not how I'd choose to be, if I could. For that matter, Javier. It tends to open us up more. Make us raw. Probably not what you're looking for.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : You can't calm yourself, is what you're saying.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : De la Vega said the same. Called it a curse.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes. I have a couple of tricks I use, but I don't know that they'd work for you. Can you read objects?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Not unless they have print on them. The only thing I do is float teaspoons and swipe hazelnuts from under cups. It's a miracle the Veil doesn't rewrite my memories along with everyone else's.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Oh, and I see ghosts. That counts, I suppose.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Psychokinesis is nothing to sneeze at. Small can be useful. But all of our abilities are made to hurt us. You can't get much good from them, in the long run. Can I ask a personal question?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Sure. Have a suspicion that with these things, lying to myself or others isn't going to be much help.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : It's anxiety, right? That triggers it?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : The neuropathy? I'm not sure. There's definitely a relationship -- the more terrified I am, the worse it gets because I'm already all jittery from adrenaline.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Which came first, though, the chicken or the egg?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Are there things keeping you from talking to someone or taking medication to reduce the anxiety?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Therapy never really got me very far. They ask questions, and if I answer them honestly -- well, according to different psychiatrists I'm either bipolar, depressed, or suffering from some kind of schizoid disorder that makes me see things and hear voices. I think I never put much stock in it all because to me, the ghosts are real. I suspect that in this town, that doesn't sound half as crazy as it would anywhere else.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I understand. I really understand.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I don't respond well to medication. The side effects are horrid -- the glass bubble effect, or just plain getting sick.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Yeah, a lot of people around here get the idea.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I don't think I ever asked. But that's the same for you, isn't it? You hate being touched because being touched means picking up all sorts of things you don't want to know.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : A guy just came back to town. I remember him as a kid. He's a psychiatrist now, but also has mind abilities. Henry Covington. I don't know what kind of person he is now. But he might help. I could change your memories, but that will change you. And I think you're okay.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : No, that's not why.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Fair enough. I thought it was a decent guess, for a powerful empath to prefer to keep people and their messy insides at a distance. 🙂

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : It wouldn't help. I don't have to touch people. If I'm open, I pick up things a mile away. used to be more.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Taking note of the name. Might be worth looking into -- the idea of a shrink who actually believes in these things is something else, for sure. As for memories? No. I don't want my head rearranged like that. I might be happier that way but I would not be me. What the Revisionist did to us in that regard was bad enough to make me never consider that option.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : ... Seriously not jealous of you high power empaths, not going to lie.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes. I would agree. I can tweak your emotions in the moment. If you want. But I try not to do that without permission.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : There are several people in Gray Harbor I've given permission to 'mind xanax' me if manure hits fans and I'm about to curl up in a ball screaming instead of doing something useful. Consider yourself added to the list. In this town, there's not always time to hug it out and meditate.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I prefer not to hug it out. But so noted.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Yeah, me too, for obvious reasons.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : 🙂

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Why did trying to teach you to have mental abilities involve biting you?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : So, you and de la Vega are both telling me the mind calm trick is not really an option because even if you could teach me to do it, I wouldn't be able to do it to myself. Getting there.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : The Chief suggested there might be something or someone in my own head, holding me back. Offered to take a look around inside. I did know what he meant -- Rosencrantz did the same to me once though it kind of fell apart. People have these -- mind forms. I'm guessing you know what I mean? Rosencrantz is a unicorn, de la Vega is a fire wolf?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Mindscapes. Yes.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Yes. So I agreed because I did know what to expect, sort of. When Rosencrantz did it to me, ages ago, we both fell out of there pretty quick because I was really not what he expected. I don't know what he expected, but as it turns out, my mind form is my mother's idiot Siamese.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : You don't like yourself very much.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : The biting happened because he picked me up by the scruff of my neck and carried me around all over my own mind. And he bit my collar off.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Do you feel better? Having it off?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Oh, I appreciate the symbolism. Inbred useless creature with no brain and a stud book that goes back to Adam and Eve. Asthmatic too. I don't seem to think very highly of my background, no.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Seems uncharitable.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : That's what I'm trying to find out. I don't need to see this Doctor Covington to put together the symbolism of something being unleashed. But I can't tell what.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I turned into another cat when he did. A black one. Alley cat, you know the kind. Will claw you before it lets you close. Which I guess is the other me, the guy who'd travel alone all across Europe and the US.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : If I get a choice, I definitely prefer the latter.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : ::thinking face emoji::

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I can cope with the idea that no, sorry, no self-xanaxing for me. But I worry about what was unleashed. Like you said earlier -- we don't get these powers for our benefit.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Sometimes it's not bad to be more free.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Not until it turns out you're a crazy axe murderer who was held back by just one thing in your mind and now that thing no longer exists.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : You're not a crazy axe murderer.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Well, I like to think I'm not. At best, I murder people by boring them into a coma with a history lecture.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : That's not murder. History is interesting.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I've spent all day thinking about it. I can't for the life of me say I have any idea what changed. I don't feel different, but for a resolution to never get drunk on tequila again. A fair bit of embarrassment that I pretty much ended up having a small breakdown on top of Isi Cameron and Perdita Leontes. But, you know, no urges to go set people on fire.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : You need to sign Isi's cast. And imagery doesn't mean a profound change within you, especially if it's imposed from without. It may just mean that's a change you WANT to happen. Mindscapes are like dreams; they're constructs that might reveal some subconscious elements, but they're not necessarily true.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : So it might be an option to make a change.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I'd certainly rather see myself as a ragged alley cat that can take care of itself, thank you very much, than as a pedigree cat so stupid it died from eating peace lilies.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Sounds like you're afraid that you're that Siamese. What you see as useless, valued more for pedigree than usefulness.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I know I am. I've spent most of my life trying to dodge being exactly that.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I'd disagree on what you are.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I like to think that at least I've managed to make more out of my life than that, yes.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Is there any way to find out? Besides the obvious -- wait and see, be the change you want in your life, all that?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Your mindscape won't change until your mind changes. As long as that's really how you see yourself, deep down, then that image is always going to be there. When Isabella was damaged by that cultist, her self-protective instincts manifested as a dragon that we had to chain down long enough to talk to her. Even when she was better, the dragon was still there, and it was still injured from things that happened before, but it changed a little because we convinced her to trust us a little more.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : So what you're saying is -- it's wait and see the normal way, or it's go back in there and see what's there.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : No, not really.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I'm saying that you know if you've changed. You have to believe the change. If you just keep going back and looking to see, then you'll just feed that image of yourself. 'Why haven't I changed?' 'Am I stuck like this forever?'.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : But if I really wanted to, I could go back in, slap a collar back on that cat, and kick it back to the right side of its castle wall. There's a castle wall in my mind, I'm usually on the other side of it. The Chief made me come down to him below.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : And then I'd be -- like I was before, whatever that means.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : You'd be telling yourself that's what you wanted for yourself, yes.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Or what you feared for yourself. Same thing sometime.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Not going to pretend it's not tempting, at least I'd know what I have.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Yeah. It is. The same thing.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Sometimes, there's comfort in the familiar, even when it terrifies you.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Can I ask a personal question of you now?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : You can invite people into your mind to try and help ::kick emoji:: things. But ultimately, unless you're doing it, it's just playing with dreams. And yes. you can.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : What's your mindlink, mindscape form?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Glass stars in an abyss. I can show you, sometime, if you want. I don't have a thing, though. I don't see myself as a person, most times.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing it. But that sounds -- both terrifying and extremely liberating. I think I could get used to -- not having to fit into a mold, not having to be a person.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I don't mind. I wish I saw myself as a person, though. Or a beautiful thing, like Itzhak.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : ... Yeah. Yeah, I get that. With you on that. Or even a beautiful, dangerous thing, like the fire wolf.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I think Rosencrantz told me once, someone else is a phoenix. That must be something, too.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes. I don't think he ever wants me back in his mind, but it was beautiful.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Maybe that's why he was so surprised that I was just... a cat.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Or maybe no one in your life right now sees you as a pampered, useless thing. I'd have been surprised, too.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I've gotten pretty good at faking it over time. I guess the real question now is, can I fake it so hard I can convince even myself? Because I honest to God wouldn't mind an upgrade.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : When I came back to Gray Harbor, I wanted to be someone different. Maybe a dead someone, but I'm too spiteful for that. I spent a long time thinking about it. Wrote out the person I wanted to be. What that person would do. Or not do. I haven't stuck to it as well as I wanted to. But it helped.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : When I came to Gray Harbor... I tend to think I'm the same I've always been, but I'm not, am I?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Used to be a guy who never talked much to anyone. Grifter, minding his own business, couldn't stand being in a room with four other people. Look at me now, I work at a freaking community centre.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes. You've changed. Do you like it?

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I think so. I mean, I have friends now.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : It's frightening but also good?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yes. Letting people close is scary.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Scary doesn't really start to cover it. I sometimes sit and look at the mirror and ask myself, what am I going to do if these people some day figure out that I don't even know who I am, beneath the masks.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Yeah. That can be scary.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I guess that sums it up. No mind xanax. Keep trying to make the good changes. Maybe I'm ready for them.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : I don't think you'd be thinking about it so much if you weren't willing to give it a try.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I appreciate the help, Alexander, I really do. Just being able to ask somebody and not have them ask me if I'm taking my meds, you know?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : No problem. People hurt. Sometimes it helps to talk about it. And I understand wanting to be different than you fear you are.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : And in this case, it's something that only a few people can understand. I'm not sure I'm done poking around the inside of my head. But I'll stop fretting about whether I can learn this calming trick because even if I somehow could, I wouldn't be able to use it the way I need. Have you ever thought, bloody hell, wouldn't it be great if someone could touch you, and you didn't have to fight the urge to scream?

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Not exactly. Mine isn't quite the same. But you deserve to be touched or be able to touch without feeling that. You're a nice person, Ravn. A worthy person. Not useless.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : No one's useless. But in this town, I suppose no one is not screwed up, either. So, when do I come see your office? Wolf gangsters honestly didn't sound very reassuring.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : Most people are screwed up in every town. 1 of the things about being what I am is realizing how many people go through their lives just silently screaming behind their eyes. And anytime.

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : I don't need to be an empath to agree with you on that one.

(TXT to Ravn) Alexander : yes

(TXT to Alexander) Ravn : Listen, I know I've said before. You ever need a thief, you know where to find one. I know you're not a criminal. Neither am I, anymore. But we also both know people like human flesh artist guy.