2021-12-18 - Getting out

(TXT to Alexander) Isi : Were you serious about that offer of hiking?

(TXT to Isi) Alexander : Yes. Of course. If you want.

(TXT to Alexander) Isi : Yeah - meet you where you stuck me in an Uber that night?

(TXT to Isi) Alexander : Of course. I should be there at <time>. See you there. 🙂

(TXT to Alexander) Isi : Man - that smile always looks half like it wants to bite me. 20 minutes.

One thing to be said about Gray Harbor - it's got some gorgeous views. Especially on the road that winds its way to and around Olympia National Forest. It's a typical Gray Harbor day - gray, overcast, and chilly, but Alexander is standing on the roadside, staring out over the downward slope, and seems to handle the weather well in his old army jacket. Weirdly, underneath it is not his usual homeless chic, but rather a neat button-down shirt in dark blue, and pressed slacks. Everything's ironed and well-fitted, making the jacket and old sneakers stand out even more.

But at least the natural views make up for the oddity of his appearance; all misty trees and sunlight shining off the ocean in the far distance. The road is quiet, rarely disturbed by the rumble of an engine.

Isi looks the part of a hiker. She's got tight breathable pants (which she will get cold in if she stops moving too long), as well as a rain jacket over more breathable clothing. Her shoes look as worn as Alexander's - which really just means well loved. Her hair is tied up into a long braid that will keep all but the most wispy of hairs out of her face.

About five minutes after she'd said she'd be here she come up, jogging slowly to reach the spot agreed on. She is wearing her brace but upon seeing them she slows to a walk and begins to take it off and fold it into the small pack she carries on her back. There's more than enough time for him to see her so she doesn't bother to call out till she's within a few steps. "Are you wearing a buttoned down shirt and, fuck, are your pants ironed?"

Alexander looks up and over as soon as he hears the crunch of steps on rock. He looks down at himself, and frowns. There's sort of a vague confusion to the frown, like he's trying to remember why he's wearing the clothes. "...yes. I had an appointment. Working a case," he explains. "Was still in the office, so walked up from there." He tilts his head to one side. "How's your arm?"

Isi brings her hands up to rub against her face, sighing. "Alexander. I can't decide if I want to hug you or punch you." Another rub before she drops her arm. "I'm not going to do either." She adds that as an after-thought. "You can't honestly think you're going to hike in that."

Ignoring the question about her arm for a moment. Focus on his clothing. #firstworldproblems

Alexander tenses and takes a step back...then sags with relief. "Good. I don't want to be punched. Or hugged. Not really." He looks down at his clothes. "It'll be fine. I can fix anything that tears. Clothing is easy." He turns to look to the other side of the road, studying the upwards slope. "There's a small trail we could cut across to. It's not one of the proper ones, but it doesn't get flooded, and there are some nice views. Unless you had somewhere in specific you wanted to go."

"... okay - but you realize it never looks the same after you have to fix it, right?" Isi's got an eyebrow arched upwards, something in her words hinting that she's talking from experience.

But he seems determined, so she shakes her head slowly. "It's your clothing - I don't go slow though, so the death of what you're wearing is on your head." Warning delivered she nods for his suggestion. "Let's go then!"

Someone has way too much energy to burn off.

"It usually does. After I fix it," Alexander murmurs. "But it doesn't matter. They don't even have any nice memories attached." There's a flicker of relief when she doesn't try to make him go home and change or something, and he gives a firm nod. He turns, then, and simply starts walking into the forest, apparently trusting that she'll follow. There's some brush and undergrowth to push through at first - but once they're past that, it opens up surprisingly nicely. The moss-covered trunks of tall trees are like columns in some sort of shadowed, natural temple, with gray sunlight filtering down in spears, here and there. Moss covers the ground as well as the trees, making a patchwork carpet of green in many places.

Alexander's legs aren't particularly long for a man, but he shows no signs of struggling with the upward slope of the ground, and keeps a nice pace. "How's your arm?" he asks, like she didn't avoid the first time.

"Then you'd better get you some." Isi, borrowing a line from a movie, because that's not how they talk in the Northwest at ALL. She follows him long enough for the path to widen then steps up beside him, lengthening her stride to something more akin to a fast walk than an actual hike. She's here for ~release~ not sight-seeing.

"It still hurts if I strain it too much - but I should be able to catch myself with it if needed."

"My office shot Ravn and Benedict Addington today," Alexander says, "so good memories on these clothes might be a wash." A pause. "They're okay. Flesh wounds. It'll be fine." He seems content to match her pace, although he does look around a lot, constantly studying the trees, the ground, and anything that seems to move. The two humans startle a couple of squirrels here and there, and one pauses on a high branch to chatter abuse at them. "Try not to fall on it, then," he offers, oh-so-helpfully.

The crooked little smile suggests the teasing is deliberate.

".... what?" Wait, go back to that first thing he said. Just rewind. Isi's even going to stop and pause in her walking to stare at his back side.

"Your office shot them...?"

That little joke at the end just gets ignored.

Alexander stops a pace past her, turning with a frown as she comes to a halt. "We got Lost. There were men with guns. They shot at us; hit Ravn and Benedict." It's all very straightforward, like this is the sort of thing that happens every day, and he doesn't understand why Isi is staring at him about it. "...they're okay," he adds, again.

"Are you sure? Should we go back?" Isi looks back the way the path went, probably surprised herself at how much she does want to check on Ravn."

Alexander blinks. He looks back towards the road. "We can. If you want. Can you help fix a gun shot to the arm?"

Isi continues to pause shifting her weight from foot to foot before shaking her head. "No. I can't." Whatever good mood she might have been in before has lost itself as a scowl settles on her feature. Wordlessly she starts moving again - this time just short of a jog.

Alexander is sensitive to people's moods, even if he's not good at figuring out what to do with them. So he sort of shrinks into himself when she scowls, and follows her without a word. He lags a little behind, now, not trying to pull up even but rather trying to give her some space while he thinks. After a bit, he does say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

Poor Alexander. Depending on how sensitive he is right now, he'll either know she's annoyed or that she's boiling on the edge of frustration and anger.

"IT's fine." She snaps back, ducking under a tree branch that has stretched across the pathway. It leaves a white line of scratch across her face, but she's ignoring that. She is REALLY good at ignoring insignificant things when she wants to. "You didn't do anything."

Alexander opens his mouth, probably to say something like it doesn't seem fine. But, you know what? He's not an idiot, and much like even a wilderness noob can recognize a rattle and hiss as a bad noise to cross, he takes one look at her movements, judges her tone, and his mouth closes. Just grabs the branch and lifts it out of the way so he doesn't also get a scratch on the face, and follows her in silence.

Isi keeps going like that for a bit - taking her emotions out on the trail upwards rather than the person behind her (except by way of emotion). It's not nearly as long as she would wish though before she's slowing again. The point where she finally stops and puts her hands on her knees to breathe isn't as far as she'd been hoping, but it's a very pretty point regardless. She's acquired a few more scratches along her hands and face. The exertion has taken the edge off her anger - so that's nice.

Alexander keeps up without any difficulty; he does walk just about everywhere, and even the upward incline doesn't throw him. Even so, he looks mildly relieved when she comes to a stop. He walks a couple of paces past her, then puts his back to a trunk and leans against it with a long, low sigh. He watches her out of the corner of his eyes, in between scanning the area. It is a very pretty point. Not far is a massive fall of mossy rocks, easily twenty feet high, with a fallen tree, half rotted, leaning against it. "You ever climb rocks?" he asks, pointing towards the rocks with his chin.

Pushing herself back upright Isi takes a few steps towards the rocks themselves. What is annoying here is just going to have to keep waiting as she examines them. "Some - but not a lot. Not from lack of desire, just opportunity." She reaches out towards the rocks like now that he's suggested the idea she might just start clambering right up them.

"We've got quite a few rockfalls around here. Not as safe as a climbing wall, but can be fun." Alexander pushes himself off of the tree and nods in that direction. "Could give it a try. If you want." His lips turn up as she reaches out for the rocks, although he doesn't just walk off; waiting for her to decide if she wants to walk off the energy or climb it off.

Isi glances back at Alexander, an eyebrow arched upwards. "You don't go into the wild to be safe. It's you and it and hopefully you don't fuck up." Which is a weird attitude considering how much the dreams and people's special abilities throw her. It's fine. Hypocrisy is fine.

With him giving the go-ahead, she's going to just start scrambling upwards. No particular grace to it, but she is keeping a pretty steady groove upwards.

"Safe isn't bad. I mean. Safe is good, if you can get it," Alexander mutters. His eyebrows go up as she moves to start scrambling upwards. He waits for her to get well started, then starts to climb. He's heavier than she is, has to take a slightly different route, as some of the handholds that work for her don't feel as strong for him. He's a careful and deliberate climber, so slower than Isi, but still making steady upwards progress. And, bright side, it gives him something else to consider than Isi's mood, which does wonders for his own. He starts humming Hark! The Herald Angels Sing as he climbs.

Between the natural sounds of the forest, their movements, and the wind Alexander's humming doesn't reach Isi right away. When it does she glances back at him once or twice before slowing herself to let her catch up with him. "I never took you for particularly religious."

Alexander pulls himself up almost even, curses as the worn sneakers lose a moment of grip, then catch in another hold. He lets out a breath, looks up to the top of the pile. "I was in three cults. My relationship with religion is complicated." A frown. "But I like Christmas. And I like that carol. It's a good song. Even if it could use more electric guitar."

".... the fuck?" Isi asks - curious despite herself as he talks about cults and then shifts to Christmas. Since he keeps going upwards she boosts herself and keeps up to. At this point she's slowed down a lot, favoring her right arm and putting more of her weight on her left to keep going. "Aren't you like - an emotion reader or whatever? How'd you get caught in a cult - let alone three?"

Alexander notices Isi favoring her arm, and once he does, he finds a decent place to lean into so that he can drop his arms and not immediately fall down. He massages his fingertips, nearly numb from the cold stone. "It's not hard," he says, turning to watch her. "I'm an empath. Yes. Religious ceremonies where everyone believes are very...compelling. Emotionally." He pauses for a long moment, says, "Do you know what lovebombing is?"

With him stopping she does the same, turning herself into an almost sitting position angled away from him. It means she can rub that arm without being utterly obvious about it.

"No - Never. Do I want to know what it is?" Isi, asking the most important question everyone in Gray Harbor should ask.

"I don't know the answer to that question," Alexander points out, amused. "It's not sexual. It's just--a cult, to recruit, sends out people who are willing to be overwhelmingly affectionate and accepting, no matter how weird you are. And they believe. They believe that you can be accepted, loved, happy inside their organization. That they know a truth that can make your life better. And all you have to do is believe what they tell you to believe." He shrugs. "People told me most of my life that what I thought was real wasn't, and that believing what I did made me broken and bad. Along come people who tell you that you're not broken, or if you are that you can be fixed, if you just let yourself. It was attractive."

He looks out at the forest from their vantage point and smiles. "This is a good view. What about you? Do you do religion?"

For once ISi doesn't answer right away and when she does it comes slowly, "I can't believe it's that convincing. Aren't cults... evil? Or whatever? Wouldn't you feel that?" One more example of Isi not understanding at ALL how these abilities of the glimmering people work.

She digs in a little bit more into her spot, letting the way she's wedged herself take most of the weight. Her gaze is on the horizon. "No - not really. Some cultural things, but before moving here I never imagined Grandma's stories could have some some basis of truth. All of it - religion, it's just a big lie."

There's no answer for a while. "What does evil feel like? I don't know that I've ever felt it." Alexander doesn't look at her. "When you're lonely and lost, anyone who seems to like you, actually like you is good. Feels good. And when you always seem to fuck up talking with people, then having rules on how to interact seems pretty good. Wake up here. Go there. Eat this. Don't do that. It's all very explicit. Reassuring."

His shoulders lift and drop. "It probably is," he agrees. "But souls exist. They go somewhere."

The frown that etches itself onto Isi's features is clear, even from one side. It's the way it wrinkles her expression all out of wack for her age. "It sounds.... stifling. Restrictive." A small shiver runs down her back - but maybe that was just the wind.

She hugs her arm to her chest and lapses back into quiet. "How can you do this - after I've been a bitch?" Question out of nowhere.

"You hate people telling you what to do, even if it's the sensible thing to do," Alexander points out, his voice dry. "I honestly prefer people telling me what to do. They always seem to know more about what the right thing is, than I do. Or so I thought, when I was younger. I've had to learn...not. To obey."

He doesn't interrupt her quiet; he seems perfectly content to look out at the woods. But her question, when it comes, draws a brief laugh. "You're a bit of an asshole, Isi. So am I. Most of the people I like are assholes, in one way or another. Doesn't make you bad. You haven't hurt me. You don't seem to enjoy hurting people. In general. And I like walking."

A different kind of shadow falls over her expression when he says 'don't enjoy hurting people'. Narrowed eyes as she stares at a far distant point. It's pretty obvious she's not sure if she agrees with that.

Time for another topic change. "I was thinking of getting a gun."

"I wish you wouldn't," Alexander says, after a moment. "But a lot of people do. Washington allows open carry without a license. But you should still get training. If you get one." His heels kick at the stone.

"Why not?" It's a bit of a challenge thrown back at him - even if he ends up softening his tone of them. "What's the harm?"

"You could shoot someone by accident. Especially if you're getting the gun because you're afraid. Guns make scared people act stupid. They don't back down when they should, they don't run when they should. They escalate situations. And once you pull the trigger, physics is in control of where the bullet goes, and Sir Isaac Newton is an unforgiving son of a bitch." It's all recited tonelessly by Alexander. "Plus, you live on Elm and leave your fucking door open. Someone hears you have a piece, it'll get stolen and be resold to some drug dealer within a couple of weeks."

He sighs. "Learn to fight. If you want, learn to shoot. But don't get a gun until you're confident in your shooting, and you feel confident in yourself so that the gun won't become a talisman of safety."

"It's only open when I'm home and awake." Isi throws back - grumpy that he chooses to harp on that. "If they're bold enough to come in when I'm there and can get out without being hurt they probably deserve the damn thing."

Despite his good sense about the firearm Isi wrinkles her nose and turns over to unwedge herself. She's going back up the rock pile, not looking to see if he's going to follow her.

"Don't make it into a game," Alexander snaps with exasperation. "The average criminal won't kill you because they want to hurt you. They'll kill you because you're in their way, and they don't care if you die. It's--"

And now she's climbing again. He makes an aggravated noise, and looks down, as if measuring the distance to just jump down and walk away. But, eventually, he turns and starts climbing after her. His movements aren't as smooth as before; he doesn't control his emotions well, and his irritation causes him to make a few mistakes. He continues to ascend, though.

This time Isi isn't stopping till she gets to the place where the rocks separated from their birthplace and started their fall. She's sweating and there's a long streak of dirt along the side of her face. Again the exercise has calmed her down and she's more stable when she's force to rest. "I don't like choices being taken away from me."

Alexander follows her up, breathing hard by the time he reaches where she is. He wipes some sweat from his forehead with one arm, and moves to find a place to perch. "So do both. Get shooting lessons. Get fighting lessons. Do research on what gun you'd like to get if you're gonna get one."

Isi's breathing hard, but with careful control. In through the nose, out through the mouth - again and again. "And if I never stop being afraid? What then? Hope the research and lessons will be enough?"

"Fear is hard," Alexander says, quietly. He goes back to kicking the rockfall with his sneakers. If the rest of it collapses and they both die, it's totally his fault. "I don't know if you can put it back in its proper place. I think you can, but I don't know you that well. I...when I was afraid, it helped to learn how to fight back. Not specific tools, because those can be taken. But to understand what my body was capable of doing - and what it couldn't. So I'd know when I could fight, and when I had to run. It didn't kill the fear. I'm always afraid. But it gave me something to use against it. I don't know if that would help you. Maybe not."

"Fear is fucking frustrating." Isi replies, but she's tired now - honestly tired. Some of the fight and irritation is gone and she sits abruptly, hands falling into her lap as she hangs her legs over the side of a particularly large rock at the top of the fall. "I don't mind danger. This - " a glance over the edge at the distance they'd fall if Alexander decides to dislodge enough rocks and send them downwards, "it reminds you you're alive."

"Danger you control is different," Alexander points out, still looking down. "That's a challenge. Feels good when you conquer it. But danger you don't control takes away your choices." A sidelong look to her.

"Yeah." Simple agreement there and she'll come to wrap her arms around herself, bending slightly as though to make herself smaller somehow. "I did something really bad - didn't I? When I asked - " beat, "with Emil? When I asked to make him afraid?"

"Yes," Alexander says, bluntly. He's a judgy asshole, apparently. "Not because he didn't deserve it. He probably did. He didn't see you as a person, just a threat to be removed. But..." there's a long pause, his head ducking. "It's wrong because it makes you into a person who asks for another person to be tortured. And that's not a happy person to be. I don't think you should have been offered the choice, and I think it's understandable that you made the choice that you did. I just think you shouldn't. If it comes up again."

Well, that hurts. Isi flinches minutely in her curl at the blunt 'yes.' Ow. She settles her head into her hands and stares off into the distance where the ocean spreads out. "I can't fully regret it though - that's worse isn't it? And he didn't offer me the choice. It's what I asked for. He just wanted to either put him though a legal meat grinder or force him out of town."

"It's okay if you don't regret it all the way," Alexander says, after a moment. "It's not perfect. But you don't have to be perfect. Nobody has to be perfect. I just--" he frowns, kicks a piece of rock clear off the fall and watches it bounce its way to the bottom. "I think there are other ways to find some safety and security. Ways that don't involve becoming the kind of person who hurt you along the way. It's normal to want to hurt people who hurt you. To make people afraid when they make you afraid. It's wrong to do it, but it's normal to want it."

"That seems a little easy for you to say. " Isi replies slowly after a good solid minute of silence. "You know? As someone who's special - even if you aren't quite sane." She pulls her feet upwards and stands again, still hugging herself as she balances on the edge of the rock.

Alexander flinches at aren't quite sane, but he doesn't argue with it. Or even looks like he wants to. He hunches into himself, head dipping lower. "Maybe. I'm not you. My life is different than yours. I just know that I spent a long time thinking I could hurt less and not be so afraid by hurting other people. And then I spent some time thinking that I could make people be better people by hurting them. It doesn't work. And it hurts you. Inside, where you have to look at yourself, and you can't escape yourself. It hurts a lot. So I prefer people...not. Go there, if they aren't determined to go there. Maybe you are. I can't say. I'm not you. I can only say what I've found for me. What you take from it is your choice."

"No - no you're not me. And I'm not you." She sidesteps and jumps down from that rock to peer around. "I'm sorry. I came to get away and now I'm just being an introspective asshole. That's not what I was going for. I just wanted out of town for a while."

"I'm sorry," Alexander is quick to apologize. He follows her with a careful hop or two. The view is a bit obscured from the canopy, but the forest stretches on in every direction, and while they've been still and (mostly) quiet, some of the animal life has come out to hunt for food. There's even a deer in the far distance, eating as much green moss as it can find in the winter.

"Why are you sorry?" Isi replies, tone incredulous that he would appologize to her when she's been the asshole for most of this conversation. "I don't get you sometimes." Or, almost always.

"You wanted something different than this was. Someone else probably would have realized that and made it more fun. I didn't. So I'm sorry." Alexander shrugs. "I'm not good with people. And most people don't get me. It's okay." He offers her a quick smile, fast as a blink.

"Why do you do that?" She asks, hands finding her hips to look down at him from her slightly elevated perch.

Alexander freezes. "...do what?" Move? He stops moving? Breathing? He doesn't quite stop that, but he looks at her with open bewilderment.

"Suddenly turn from someone who'll lecture me about morality into someone who seems to apologize to for existing?" Isi continues to stare down at him like he's an insect that if she just looks close enough something will pop out and make sense. "I didn't text anyone else. I texted you. It's not your fucking fault if I'm a morose bitch."

Alexander blinks a couple of times. "You asked. About the morality. And then you complained. Two different statements, receiving two different responses." He tilts his head back to look up at her. And then smiles, bright and sunny and pleased. "Thank you. For texting. I've enjoyed it."

"Just because I complained doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's - just - don't apologize to me." That comes out exasperated - but not angry. "Do you want to head back now?" A glance down at her arm as she rubs at hit, looking vaguely put out at going back being the better choice.

"Okay," Alexander says, after a moment. Just accepting the directive without a quibble. He looks over the woods, then back at her as she rubs her arm. "Yeah. For now. I've ruined my pants," he points out -- like Isi didn't tell him that he would. But rock climbing is definitely not what these slacks were made for, and they're smudged and streaked with dirt, now. And he definitely cares about that, and not about overstressing her arm. Definitely. "We can come back, if you want. Some other time."

Isi glances at those pants and only just manages to avoid saying 'I TOLD YOU SO'. Only just. There's a long lingering look towards the vista before she turns and follows - more slowly, down the rockslide and back into town.