2022-01-17 - Are You Alive?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Are you alive? You exited fast, please tell me you're alive. I'm not going to go but on bandaids until you tell me you're alive.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : alive, hurts like fuck to breathe though

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : That was dumb of me

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Good. You missed Violeta blowing up -- literally, exploding. In our faces.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : okay maybe it wasn't so dumb of me. Who's violeta

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : The red-haired girl who looked like she packed more shine than the rest of us put together. I recognised her. It's a long story -- she's a Serbian girl who was trafficked to the US. Or well, she was. Because I'm pretty sure she's dead now, after blowing up like that.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Are you sure though? A lot of shit goes down in dreams. Fuck this hurts

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Never sure of anything here. Could all be coincidental, Veil just plucking familiar images out of the head of someone involved. Vic or me, both of us. What matters is, how badly hurt are you? I woke up with second degree burns on my arms and face.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : She has more song than me, that's fucked up.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Myeah. Either somebody on the Other Side found a way to charge people like a bloody mana battery in an MMORPG, or it wasn't her at all but something that wore her face. You're still not telling me how hurt you are.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : (an image of Itzhak from the collarbone down, holding his shirt up. He's generously scored across chest and torso with claw marks, uncannily human in shape, the skin blackened and sunken. Also, his nipples are taped)

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : So this sucks

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Ow ow ow.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : ... What's the tape for?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Piercings. Sorry you had to find out like this lol

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Brb getting emergency booze

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Hah. New, or not getting them stuck in fabric? Yes, I'm very nosy. You like it.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : (a few minutes later) too sensitive to let my shirt rub on em all day. you asked

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Makes sense. Always wondered how much regret there has to be associated with the term 'Prince Albert'. I have a lot of time to be bored.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You must be okay if you can text me about my nipple piercings

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I texted you to make sure you're okay. Now that I know you're okay, I'm fine with dirty jokes.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Speaking of dirty jokes. Did I even tell you that I got propositioned sexually twice in one week? Thank you, I take pride in knowing I just made you spit booze all over your phone.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I could use another piercing tbh or what would really be great is fresh ink. This hurts a whole fuck of a lot but not the right way

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : So did you get laid or what

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Can't say I can relate. With my neuropathy, the idea of 'good pain' is as alien as breathing fish oil.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Well, no. I don't want to be involved in someone's rebound, and I don't want to be a notch in a bedpost.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Fair, also warning I'm about to be serious drunk. Who wanted a piece?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I'm good with serious drunk. Let me get a bottle and keep speed on my end.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You can't take this kinda thing to the hospital so I'm gonna have to tough this one out, Roen kind of yelled at me for not letting him heal me but what does he know

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Mm, there are perks to living with Aidan Kinney. Whom I am honestly grateful to, because without him I might as well buy a suite at the hospital.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Anyhow, it was a mess. Girl A sleeps with Girl B's boyfriend, Girl B is upset about it, both make me an offer that I rushed to decline.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : It ended well enough. B and boyfriend are now exclusive. Something that might have gotten more complicated if I'd gotten my butt involved.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Shit Abildgaard you been holding out on me, look at you turning down pussy like a boss

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I suppose that's one way to look at it.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Thought that crossed my mind was more along the line of 'don't get involved in rebounds if you want to stay friends' for one, and 'seriously, woman, is it too much to ask that we have a conversation or three first' in the other.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Add the whole complication that girl A was sleeping with girl B's boyfriend and yanno, there are fires you shouldn't stick your hands into.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Yeah yeah I guess that's smart or something I would have no idea about

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I fucked a guy whose car broke down just as he was getting on the road to Spokane, fixed him up then bent him over the hood. I said maybe he didn't want that long a drive on a sore ass but he knew what he wanted

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Yeah yeah. You'd have banged both gloriously and somehow they'd both have ended up thanking you for your time.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : But I'm not you, and I'd have ended up losing a friend and making two people pissed at me.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Believe me I had plenty of people in New York pissed off at me even though they were begging for it, somehow they're mad at me the next day. Almost enough to put a guy off it

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Myeah, I can imagine. Gotta admit, I'm not really in a rush to get involved with anyone again. It's just -- not worth it. If I care about them I'll want more than just getting laid. If I don't care, I don't see the point in getting laid.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : It does seem to be a topic that comes up a lot lately, though. Almost as if my intimate life or lack of it is somehow an item of interest to several people.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Okay you got me I'm totally interested

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : ... In what?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Also, my booze of choice for this conversation is a twelve year Chivas Regal, consider yourself honoured.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : In your love life, or I guess in who you turn down is good too. ... You son of a bitch, here I am suffering through emergency captain morgan

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : You have my utmost sympathy. I'd almost recommend drain cleaner instead. My love life is non-existent, same as always.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Although I have a feeling I kind of vaguely volunteered to wingman for Isi Cameron sometime.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Nothing wrong with that. You'd make a great wingman as long as you pretend you're someone else

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : 😆 What, I'm not even good enough to wing man as myself?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Wait the most amazing thing just happened

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I found weed I forgot about

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : You found a bottle of decent rum -- oh yeah, that works too.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : (several minutes later) fuck yes so much better. Are you still there

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Yup. Flat on my back on my bed with a glass, a bottle, and a book on the excursion of Viking warrior king Olav into Constantinople. Because that's how my exciting home life rolls.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I didn't mean it like that but I'm cracking up now, you could definitely get some of those crazy eyed goth girls with talk like that

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : And what the hell would I do with them thirty minutes later when they realised I wear gloves because I need them to be very conscious of how they touch and move around me, and not because I want to beat their ass with the book and make them call me Professor?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Tie em up, we discussed this. What's wrong with a little ass beating anyway

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I don't want to start my morning with a conversation along the lines of, "So, Mary -- your name is Mary, right? Sorry, Jane -- wait, Janice? Whatever. Look, Marsha..."

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Fuck you it hurts when I laugh

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Consider it my subtle vengeance for suggesting I'd have to pretend to be somebody else to even make a successful wing man.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I suppose given that Cameron told me she only chases women, I could be the awful guy she can rescue some girl from.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I was drunk, it was dark, I didn't know it was you

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : 😆

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Girl A actually had a genuine what the fuck moment during that conversation. Like, for a moment she was all sincere -- and looking at me like I was some kind of alien. Said she can't believe I'm still single. And then it went back to the usual, you know, but for a moment I felt like I was some kind of alien.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Alien, how come

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Well. I felt kinda like. This girl is a therapist. A psychologist. So there's a trained mental health professional looking at me and pretty much telling me I should be the hottest thing since fire. Made me feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I'm not only not buried under interested women, I'm not even sorry to not be buried under interested women. It made me feel -- well, broken, in a way.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Wtf? I hate her already

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Meh, it's not a big deal. I mean, definitely not big enough a deal to make me feel like I should prove her wrong by sleeping with her.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Okay, I'm too drunk to appreciate this now. Switching to a regular brand of fire water.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I almost dated a therapist one time, bullet dodged. Not MY therapist that would be weird, just a therapist. Point is why should you feel broken, you ain't broken, fuck her for acting like you are, this is why I don't get along with therapists, court mandated shrinks always want me to talk about shit I don't wanna talk about

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Never had a court mandated one but I did buy into the whole idea that I was broken somehow a lot when I was younger, and of course then during and after my breakdown and stay in a mental ward. They're not all useless. Some of them helped me with some things. Among those things, accepting myself the way I am. That it's all right to be introvert, solitary, and largely disinterested in casual relationships.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Of course that's okay, why wouldn't it be?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : You realise that there's an entire cult run under the name of the 'manosphere' that says otherwise, right? That a man who cannot get laid regularly, cannot keep a woman, is fundamentally a loser who should be removed from the gene pool?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : The what? Anyway that's stupid because obviously you can

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Obviously. But I think you'll find that there's still a lot of pressure on some subconscious level. People do think, deep down, that there has to be something weird about that guy. And I do think it a little myself as well -- I'm just kind of reconciled with the fact that I'm a loser in some aspects, and hey, it is what it is. I think that's the difference -- I don't really mind being weird.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : It's a good fuckin thing I don't mind being weird either or I'd really be in trouble. Pressure to what? To get laid?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Getting laid is part of it, but more -- proving that I am able and interested. Sometimes it feels like people think I feel superior for not being easy or amoral, or whatever it is I'm supposed to be. Like they feel I am judging them.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : As a definitely easy kinda guy, I never thought that about you and also who cares? You didn't get weird when I fucked my undermechanic so why should I get weird when you don't fuck anybody? Ugh I'm too drunk and baked to figure this out

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Who says there's anything to figure out? I decided that no, I wasn't going to prove therapy girl wrong by hitting on her. Because I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Also, why the hell would I get weird? I'm not your boyfriend.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : ... Well, I suppose I'm your straight boyfriend, or did we break up sometime and I didn't notice?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Still straight boyfriend which makes you my only boyfriend, fuck I miss him, I miss going home to him, I wanna hear him tell me I'm an idiot and I should play that Vivaldi he likes while he makes dinner

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : If we were in the same room right now I'd try to very awkwardly hug you. Because yeah. I miss that feeling too, so much it hurts. And I didn't have -- you guys were together for a long time. I only got a taste of the dream. It fucking sucks, getting left by the side of the road, not going to pretend otherwise.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : It's Summer, Presto, in case you wanted to know

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Ah dun geddit.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Forget it, I'm a moron, lying here high and crying, which is because my chest hurts so bad and for NO OTHER REASON. You know which one I mean, it's the one they call Storm on the internet, from four seasons

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Yeah, I know Summer.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : And I'm sorry. Sorry you have to go through this. I think I have it a little bit easier because we were only together for a very short time, and I kind of ... expect it. I mean, I don't do relationships. I don't connect to people like that. I never have, why should Gray Harbor be any different? And you do, and I wish you didn't have to get hurt for, well, basically caring.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Buddy don't do this to me, don't tell me it's okay for me to feel like shit but you're just used to it. Come on. Why aren't we getting drunk in person so we could at least play through our feelings, stupid feelings

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Well, we did last week and we still have stupid feelings.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Feelings suck, whoever came up with the idea of the tortured artist is an idiot

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Ocean's full of fish. It'll sting for a while but -- maybe you guys make up, maybe you find a better fish.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I was drunk sad watching Shark Week and there was this boss big great white, fifty years old, all scarred up and battered and cruising around in charge of everything and he's just like that. Except that shark was actually female. And full of babies. Okay this isn't a perfect comparison. Serious question, do you want a girlfriend?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Well, that depends a hell of a lot on what you mean, do I want a girlfriend. Do I want a girlfriend, any girlfriend? Hell no. Do I want an idealised dream girl who probably doesn't exist? Sure.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Duh everybody wants one of those. But in general do you want to have a thing? If a thing should come along?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Odds of someone coming along who meets my ideas of what I want and is willing to put up with my shit are pretty damn slim. But hypothetically, yes.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Why, do you have a cousin you need me to meet? 🙂

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I have so many cousins dude

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Okay but I asked because that means you're just not that interested and that's cool you don't have to be, who cares what some losers on the internet think, you're not a loser. Trust me I know from losers

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Do you know the expression that the grass is always greener somewhere else? I feel like that. I'm pretty privileged compared to a lot of people: I have food on my table, a roof over my head, no crushing debt. Spending my time bemoaning things I can't have feels -- very ungrateful. I have friends who are going through heartbreak or the fear of heartbreak. Friends whose entire lives revolve around debts and fear of old enemies and stalkers. People with very real problems. Compared to them, I don't think I really get to complain, my biggest problem is getting up at 4am to grade papers.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : What do you want to do now? Try to -- go back, somehow? Or go meet someone else? Go to Seattle and bang everyone in sight?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Fuck if I know, man. I just. I just want him back. The absolute prick. I'm pretty sure I oughta get out of town before I slug somebody. Punching assholes in Seattle sounds great, bet I can get laid too. Can't think beyond that. Just need to fucking hurt someone

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : When I feel like that I drink until I pass out.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : . . . I may have spent a good deal of this autumn with a severe hangover.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Proud boys need to learn a few things

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Pretty certain those are learning resistent.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I'd offer to go along but I'm as useless in a fight as I am on the dating scene, so -- call me when you need someone to bail you out?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I been drinking to get to sleep, too

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Heh, it'll be either you or Roen

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Myes, that's the perk of not sharing a bedroom, no one tells you to stop doing that.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : I wish I could, sometimes. Just go somewhere, pick a damn fight, punch people in the face until someone punches me hard enough in the face that I wake up with a bloody nose.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : This was New York I could just cruise around until I got fucked or got into a fight. This fucking town's too quiet.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Maybe that's why I keep wanting to explore the Veil. Keep kind of hoping to find something that will.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Something that'll punch you? Yeah the trick is finding something that won't

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : No, not for me. I'm the sane, reasonable one, remember? I'm the guy who you go to for a lecture, and then you ask me to stop lecturing at some point, and the worst trouble I get into is trying to keep people awake while I talk at them. I've been in a few fights on the Other Side. At least it made me feel like I'm alive.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You went for an armed cop with a pair of scissors, and you got yourself sniped by running into a firefight, which part is supposed to be sane and reasonable again? You totally have what it takes to hack it on the other side

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Like I said, at least the Other Side makes me feel like I'm alive. Maybe I just want the adrenalin. I don't need to get into fights. I also never needed to steal cars or break into houses or pick pockets. I don't know. Maybe I'm just easily bored being sane and reasonable day in and day out.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Makes me feel like I'm alive, too. Like it's what I'm alive for. I'm alive for a lot of stuff, like my family, taking care of all you yutzes and this town, music, you know, stuff like that. It's all pretty fuckin important, right? But man, the other side, being a mover, being THE mover? It's something else.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Not going to pretend I don't envy you that. I get that feeling sometimes when I dip into someone's pocket and casually go through everything there, and they don't even think to notice. It's a thrill. Enough of one that I still do it even when I bloody well shouldn't. People always think I'm joking when I say I'm sticking around here until someday I get Lost somewhere interesting enough I don't come back. It's not a joke.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : What

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : Don't say that

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You won't come back???

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : What about me

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Hey, with our luck and aptitude for walking in at the wrong time and saying the wrong thing, odds are we get Lost together?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You can't get lost without me or I'll kick your ass

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : You know what I keep telling people? Make friends, make bonds. Get things that tie you down, that keep you here. Because without them, what's keeping you from staying Over There? Exploring, wandering, just... never knowing what tomorrow will be like. There has to be something strong enough here to make you fight to come back.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : You made me ugly cry, dickhead

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Yeah, well. You make me come back, dickhead.