2021-01-02 - Under Siege (Miniaturized Edition)

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : I know it's something something a.m. but I have an emergency. Do you have a gun or a hammer?

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : I have a hammer somewhere. I definitely do not have a gun. Should I be worried?

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : There's someone on my porch and I don't know if they're trying to do recon or break in or worse

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : What if they damage my door? That's original!

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : Want me to come over? I can be there in very short time. I'm up anyhow, I was talking to someone in Copenhagen.

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : If you can cope and Hagen your way this way and chase them off that'd be great. I'd trust my own skill but I can't get a reading and I'm concerned they might have laid a null field out there or I don't fucking know

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : I don't know about skill but I'm 6'3 and I can yell in a foreign language. Be right there.

Hyacinth Addington's house is not far away but it's definitely not in the trailer park. Ravn pulls his coat on and gets in his non-descript rented car. He could walk, it's not that far, but if someone really is breaking into Hyacinth's old Victorian then maybe he shouldn't take twenty minutes getting there. Although to be fair, if she can text she can call the cops... But this is Gray Harbor and for all he knows, there may be a dead, winged octopus in the living room that she doesn't want to explain.

He parks a bit down the street and walks up nonetheless. And because he is who he is, and has the past that he does, he does so very quietly, moving unseen from one shadow to another. Because this is indeed Gray Harbor, and whatever's poking around Hyacinth Addington's porch may be a raccoon, but that raccoon may be armed to the teeth and be an expert at capoeira to boot.

When Ravn rolls up on the house it is quiet with the morning sun lighting the winter trees in pale pink light and long silvery shadows on the damp walk. Snow doesn't really stick on the Harbor front. Too much salt. Whether the salt in question is from the waterfront or the residents is another matter. The yard is fenced in and the gate is not broken. There is something on the porch. Is that a dog curled up? no. No someone has decided it was a fun idea to put a tiny army of cement lawn gnomes on Hya's porch. Really there's 8 of them crammed up on the stoop in a half circle around the door.

Ravn shakes his head to himself. Gray Harbor, you do you. Of all the things -- someone's decided to prank the lumber baroness, the corporate conquistadora, with the one thing she apparently fears: Garden gnomes.

I wonder if I am witnessing the very subtle revenge of the Personal Assistant?

He can't quite help a smile as he slips out of the bushes nearby and strolls up the driveway. If nothing else, he can kick them over? Rearrange them? Stack them? Better do something funny with them, let Hyacinth have a bit of dignity restored. Just a prank, right?

Hyacinth Addington is nowhere in sight but there is a movement of the curtains on the second floor and then they are closed again.

One of the gnomes is lounging laciviouly with their pipe, others are dressed as workmen and villagers, one is a zombie and one has some strong opinions. None seem to be animated, armed, moving, covered in a sentient fungus, or wired to blow.

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : Did you find the horrible little man creeping around my property?

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : Is anything damaged?

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : Oh, are you okay? I should ask that.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : I am looking at a flock of very... gnomey... garden gnomes. One of them seems to have Views.

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : OMG they know I'm trying to pass a hunting licence for them

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking. 😂 I think you've been pranked. There's nothing out here besides me and well, those gnomes.

(TXT to Ravn) Hyacinth : There is nothing funny or adorable about gnomes!

(TXT to Hyacinth) Ravn : Well, do you want to take a mallet to them? I don't think they're going to do anything but, well, stand here.

The front door flies open and she looks, positively upset and furious, or like a Disney villain sans up-lighting and crescendo musical score. Composed. So composed and damn on them! "how dare you come on to my property. Stop it!" Yuuuup, she is commanding the gnomes to get the fuck off her porch which would be great if they were at all animated or inclined to be so." Trying not to shake she throws the thing on her hand at them with the sort of fury that comes from being truly (and oddly) afraid. "Stop standing there I am not interesting in your itty bitty booty call!" Ha! She said her peace and... her phone is kind of laying a bit dead on the porch now. There's a pause and she catches herself looking up to Ravn somehow immediately sobering and composing herself. "Could you, um... remove the unwanted guests and possibly....pass that to me?" nope! No screaming fit of pique here. She will deny it til the day she dies. Fingers carefully moves a hair as if that buries all evidence to the contrary.

Ravn bends down to pick up the phone and hands it to the definitely not at all frightened or disturbed looking woman. "Want me to toss them out on the curb, or something else? I'm starting to think I should put them in my car -- and then we'll borrow a rifle off someone and go treat them to a gruesome death in the woods sometime. Everyone and their mum around here has guns, shouldn't be difficult to find one. You might find it therapeutic."

Hyacinth considers this and looks at her phone what was her phone in her hands. Her heart rate is coming down out of her fight or fling response. She's not a flee'r, now she's not a phone-r either. Her lips press together and finally her shoulders drop and she looks up, "That sounds... like an interesting and a nod terrible idea. I mean saw mill's the Addington way, but...this is worth learning how to fire a weapon for." Turning her phone over in her hand a piece of the glass falls out into her other palm. "I should call Itzhak to fix this." Yeah about that. Ooohhhhhhhh right.

Pointing inside with a vague gesture of the broken appliance she asks, "After you put the terrible menaces...menacees... Meni? little assholes in your trunk you want coffee and can I trouble you to borrow your phone?" Aww her poor pearly samsung in the glitter case. "At least my PA won't have to hold my calls for the morning."

Ravn fishes his own Samsung out of a pocket and hands it over, pink glittery Hello Kitty casing and all. "Text anyone you need, just remember that people probably have my name on contacts, and that you might need to open with telling them who you are. Just don't throw it at something, all right?"

He's grinning slightly as he picks up two gnomes and wanders car-wards with them, one in each hand. This is going to take a few minutes; those little cement bastards are kind of heavy. "I suggest we make a gnome hunt out of this," he calls back over one shoulder. "We put these little gits in compromising positions in the woods somewhere. Then we take pictures. Then we shoot them up and take more pictures. And post them all on Friendzone -- justice has been served, Gray Harbor. Keep your lawn gnomes on leashes."

Hyacinth blinks twice looking at the phone. It's not really the hello kitty that is alarming as she honestly didn't expect the Man in Black to have a more sparkly phone than her or Lyric. HUH. She unlocks it and while it's in her inclination to go through his messages with Itzhak and Vyv because really snooping snoopers that snoop get the good dish. However, proper decorum aslo suggest it's super tacky.

In the end her head rolls, ponytails winging behind her lamenting being an adult and doesn't peek and instead just texts to mind the matter at hand. The remaining gnomes get a hiss and the door closes (unlocked) .

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : (from Ravn's phone) Hey it's Hya. Gnomes broke my phone. Can you or someone fix it this afternoon? Long story. Also do you have any guns we may need to borrow them. Hope all is well.

Ravn stacks the gnomes in the trunk of his car, wrapped into the dog blanket that for some reason, the previous guy to rent the car left in there. He makes certain that none of them breaks -- the one with the attitude in particular needs to stay in one piece until he can let Hyacinth at it with a firearm.

For all the humour of the situation, though, he keeps alert. Somebody put the things here, and that someone very likely knows how Hyacinth feels about them. Sure, it's a prank. A pretty funny prank. But, she doesn't seem to think it's all that funny, and sometimes, pranks are just the beginning. Alert Dane is alert.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : yeah I can probably fix it, no you can't have any guns

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : (sends a pic of dead phone with live phone)

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : you know what though, me and Abildgaard could smash 'em with high speed rocks, or I might even be able to jury rig up a sling

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : oh. uh. that's kind of more broken than I thought

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : I thought this was a 'won't boot' or 'losing charge' broken not 'smashed like a bug' broken. you need a new phone, sorry girlchik

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : No my boots are fine my phone is broke

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : yeah I CAN SEE your phone is broke!

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : 🙁 You think Lilith can melt it back together?

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : uhhhh. I dunno. she might explode it. she likes exploding stuff more than she likes fixing stuff. Roen can fix it for sure.

Hyacinth looks up from the Hello Kitty phone to Ravn looking a little saddened shoulder leaning on the door frame as he comes back from the last of the gnomes. There's a text conversation going which she pauses. "The bad gnomes broke my phone, Ravn." She looks down at teh phone and back up, "Itzhak said something about giving it the boot and needing Roen to fix it... I think he's going to bury it? I don't know what nature boy knows about phones."

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : You know it's not an Apple. Why are you giving it to August to bury?

"I hate to be that guy, but you broke your phone, throwing it at the gnomes." Ravn smiles lopsidedly. "I know that Aidan Kinney can fix things. Not surprised to hear Røn can too, the man is a powerhouse -- and a nice guy to boot. Tell Rosencrantz hello from me. And tell him you found all the pictures of my girlfriend while I was outside, too."

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : Hya, did you text to get your phone fixed or did you text to tell me I don't know how to get your phone fixed? Roen can do it. Aidan, too, the street magician, Abildgaard knows him. But if you take it to him pay him well okay? He don't got much.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : and Lilith SHOULD be able to do it except everything she touches explodes, I'm just saying

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : Ravn sends his regards from his phone. We're going to dispense justice at some time not now on the little concrete menace. If you want to bring a sledge you are totes invited.

Hyacinth looks up, "I'm not the one who imperiled me, THANK you very much." Imperious to her last fiber. "Oh! I diiiiiiiid forget to tell him that. Also about the pics of Seth. He'll want to know. She taps into her Ravn's phone:

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : If you get my phone fixed there's some rather choice shirtless pics of Seth and his drink in it for you 🙂

Looking back up to Ravn she says "Coffee's in the coffee pot. Why the hell are you up at 4 am anyways?" Says the woman that was on her way out the door.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : mmmmm you had my attention, now you have my interest

"I tutor people who live nine hours ahead, remember? It's past noon for them." Ravn grins slightly and heads kitchen-wards with the familiarity of someone who's actually been there before, but if he's told at 4am that coffee is that way, he's going that way. He does call back over his shoulder to say, "I'm pretty sure I don't have any pictures of Seth on my phone."

Rule one of Harbor Club: know how to incentivise your friends. If he'll be at the shop today I'll swing by. Then there's a flap of her hand at the cabinet nearest with mugs and she really did start a pot of coffee without the room burning down. "Oh. You did. I was in that conversation. Alexander was in that conversation. Jack Daniels was in that conversation. They're in your back chat." There is such pride in knowing that. The phone, she can at least trust will be replaced by Verizon or it will be smelted back together via owing someone a reasonable favor. "You're gonna break his heart that you don't remember, though I'm frankly still shocked you could sign your name for your visa two days after. Bravo."

"... Oh right. I do have a picture of Seth flashing his chest at his cell phone. Right. Well, I never did pretend to be anything but straight. I'd probably have remembered if he was a girl. Which, given that picture, I think we've established that he isn't." Ravn smirks lightly and fishes mugs out of the cabinet. And pauses. Then he adds, with a small laugh, "Actually, I'd probably have forgotten too. Or at least deleted it and pretended to have forgotten. Someone did actually send me a boob pic during that weed week disaster, and that's exactly what I did with it."

Hyacinth looks up with a squint and goes back to the text, "Well if you have mine I trust you'll at least be mindful of how you share that." Though she didn't say don't per se. She pauses and arches an eyebrow at this new news "You know it makes me wonder how people think those work. You can't jsut dangle keys in front of someone like you invented the car. I mean if you invented a car?? By all means key dangle. It's just very odd to me that this is somehow supposed to be the height of interest." This deserves to be a polling question.

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : Opinion on random boob pics. Hot or indifferent out of context?

Ravn blinks even as he's filling the cups. "I'm rather bloody certain that I do not have a naked selfie of you. I think I'd remember getting it, and I'd like to think you'd remember sending it. I'm not judging, obviously, but that seems to me like the sort of thing you'd remember sending to somebody. The girl who sent me one while we were all high meant to send it to her boyfriend."

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : how out of context? like somebody I don't know? or someone I do know but just randomly?

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : You know either or.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : no, seriously, because someone I don't know? eh, it's not bad, I can't complain. someone I do know? Way hotter.

Hyacinth looks up, "Itzhak's not helping the cause here, but he's being honest." There's the sigh and a murmur, "Thank you for grabbing two mugs and helping me defend my porch." STILL MAD ABOUT THE GNOMES. (So mad). "Aww it was a mav? Like deliberate or bunk? Poor thing. I should hope you were gracious about it." Still her head wobbles, "No. Nothing so avant garde." There's a faint smile finally. She's trying not to and might end up not cracking herself up out of courtesy. "And definition nothing with a horse." That is never going to die!

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : ...why, are you thinking about sending boob pictures to me?

"Like I said -- I laughed, and then I deleted it. Wasn't meant for me, and well, not a girl I'm interested in, either." Ravn places one coffee cup in front of the woman currently in possession of his cell phone, and leans against the counter himself, curling long fingers around the other. "That horse picture though... I'm going to be hearing about that for the rest of my life here, aren't I? Did I tell you that she came back? My fiancee who took that picture. Didn't end so well for her. Attacking Castro, Røn and Rosencrantz at once makes for really bad odds."

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : We're discussing strangers sending Ravn random pics not meant for him. Honestly if you are for whatever reason in teh area there's coffee if you are up and about. I don't know what time you are doing work today.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : it's like 4 AM. I had a nightmare so I got up to play Minecraft. Which maybe wasn't the best call

"I think I like texting on your phone more than mine. This is exciting." The excitement wanes when Ravn mentions she returned. She blinks and is about to ask something. Her mouth closes. lt's rephrase that question, "The... late ex-fiancee?" she blinks again. "That sounds dreadful as it does inconvenient. Are you alright? Having to do battle with one's family is... kinda a complicated thing." Says she from too much experience in that area. Okay any experience is usually too much.

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : Itzhak, why are you designing a mine? Is this an animal crossing thing? I swear I don't think Ravn really wants you to send pictures of your turnips to his phone.

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : you have no idea what Minecraft is, do you. that's adorable

Ravn falls silent a moment and then looks into his cup. "I'm all right under the circumstances. The late ex-fiancee is now very late. They tore her to shreds."

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : I am not adorable. I'm a corporate conquistadora. I am not 'conquistadorable' tyvm.

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : It's a long story and I'm up an hour early. Sorry to hear about the nightmares

(TXT to Hyacinth) Itzhak : just getting more adorable. Conquisatorable is literally the perfect word for you

Hyacinth looks up to Ravn and sighs. "That's still, to be frank, some shit. When my grandfather showed back up that wasn't easy and I was mad at him but for a time... things were good before things got awful." Glancing down at the phone she sighs "God Itzhak you are going to make me start day drinking before it's daytime." There's the weary sigh. You cna talk to him if you want. He's playing some video game where he's a dwarf or something."

"I don't know the first thing about video games released this side of 2010," Ravn says with faint amusement and does not reach for the phone. "Did he have an opinion on the selfies? I find it very difficult to imagine Rosencrantz not having an opinion on nakedness, and not feeling a need to voice it. It'd be embarrassing as hell except, that's just how he is. He's not creepy about it."

Hyacinth slides Ravn's phone over to him and leans on her counter. "Effectively stranger? meh. If he knows them he's into it. And no he's not creepy he's honest. There's a difference between reasonable admission and wetting on the floor like an excited puppy." Taking her coffee she murmurs a thanks and sips it.

"Very much so. A compliment freely given, or one that you expect to cash in on." Ravn glances at the display. "Did you ask him about borrowing a firearm, or do I need to go suck up to Kelly or Monaghan?"

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : (still thinking he's texting Hya) You'll have to ask de la Vega if you want to borrow a gun. Then he'll probably want to go along.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Figure I'll just flutter my eyelashes at SETH. Also, hi.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : aww, he'll melt. so what's shakin

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Some asshole put a number of lawn gnomes on Hyacinth's porch. They're just the usual -- painted cement, something. Gonna take her out in the woods, blast the damn things to pieces, make her feel better about it. Stupid prank.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : bet she lost her mind about it

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Texting me at 4am probably qualifies.

Hyacinth gestures with a finger for him to scroll up. "It's in there and I think he said no we're on our own." elbow finds counter and hand finds face. Sliding off the stool she takes the time to hunt a coffee cake. Having her city office kitty-corner from Vydal's has its benefits for certain. There's plates and taking apart the apple coffeecake confection. He's getting food because. "When are we going to dispatch Western Justice." That would get bunny ear fingers but this is more a wave of a fork and butterknife.

"He said no," Ravn confirms and looks up. "Do you know how to use a hunting rifle? I guess that if you've never actually fired a shot before, Rosencrantz might have a point about maybe using a mallet instead. Either way, I think destroying those little garden horrors will make you feel a lot better. I don't suppose that a firearm has to be involved."

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : she doing okay? I'd text her but, well you know why I can't text her

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : how'd she break her phone?

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : She threw it at the bloody gnomes.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : sigh. conquistadorable.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : She's fine now, but I'm not going home right now. MIght as well stay, I can sleep later.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : The asshole who put them there in the first place might decide on a round two.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : Do me a favour though. Don't go telling people I spent the night here or something. You know me. There's going to be coffee and small talk, and once it's light outside and we can see if there are more gnomes, I'm going home to sleep in my own bed.

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : ...yeah, okay. that's fair.

(TXT to Itzhak) Ravn : She's married, supposedly, remember?

(TXT to Ravn) Itzhak : I forget that. Even if she was, whose goddamn business is it? Nobody's!

Hyacinth boggles and says "you hold it up and aim the barrel at not-you and pull the trigger. It doesn't look that hard." Clearly also no idea what goes into this beyond point and click. "I have used a sledge before. I have one in the basement." There is much contemplation and a squint. "Well we'll want good running shoes for that. The rebound is something nasty on ankles and fabricated or not I don't want to break either." She considers this and flaps her hand, "Tell him he has things here we brought him back too and to get his tuchas over here sometimes today"

Ravn hands the cell over with a laugh. "You tell him. You're freakin' Conquistadorbs Addington, he'll do what you tell him to do."

Hyacinth buries her face in her hand, "This is never going to die like a shirtless man with a horse that wants to be shot to get out of frame isn't it?" At least she's willing to exercise some humor on this. Relenting the coffee cup lifts. "Conquistadora Addington; Gnome Abolisher" She takes the phone, scrolls back and her eyes get huge and snap up to Ravn, and back down at the phone. There is silence.

"Thank you. For minding my my details and safeguarding my dignity." There's a moment for her to process the implications of this before she says bluntly, "There is always a guest room, coersion free. I really don't expect anything other than for those gnomes to be in small enough pieces we can pave a driveway with their remains by week end." That thank you said with a nod to his past her thumbs fly to text back.

(TXT to Itzhak) Hyacinth : Yeah but it's Gray Harbor. And appreciating you not saying anything regarding his free time. This town fucking abuses nice people. It' why we only have 3.

"I'll stick around for now," Ravn agrees. "We'll catch a few hours of sleep, maybe, then go do horrible things to garden gnomes. And then -- more seriously -- we should perhaps have someone who can read things take a look at them first, see if they can find out who thought this was funny. I'd like to be sure that it's just a prank."

Hyacinth warms up that smile like the sun got what it wants: abject gnomy vengeance. Then there's a pause. "Oh... shit why didn't I think of that. Ummm I'm a reader. Actually that and usually getting what I want are like my forte." Well , that's a kicker. Huh. Wow fear does terrible things to the mind some days. Looking to the door and back there's a smile. Pleased. Now she know who to have fired from somewhere. "Well now that we know who, or can? It can wait. For now? Coffee cake. Enjoy the quite while it lasts."