2021-06-24 - Casual Inventory Of Dirty Romance Novels

Just another night in the 9 Oak house. Astrid is occupying a lot more space than necessary with books and her computer, the latter perched on a stack of the former. She's picking through a pile of what appears to be very racy romance novels, checking the covers, the barcode on the back, and inputting them into some database like she's taking an inventory. She's got some tunes blasting on the sound system through her phone, featuring some kind of Classic Rock playlist. Not her usual jam, but she doesn't seem to be objecting to the obnoxiously loud Jon Bon Jovi.

Just another night in the 9 Oak house. Astrid's music and her studies probably aren't enough to distract her from the fireball that falls onto the cement part of their yard outside. It lands, cracks, and splits, tumbling onto the cement. Okay, it was more like a firerectangle than a fireball.

At the top of the stairs, a door slams and Jens comes stomping down the stairs with the small fire extinguisher they keep up there in his hand. He's wearing his painting garb: white overalls paint-stained to hell and back, no shoes, and no shirt. His hair it tied up in a man-bun and his brow is furrowed in frustration.

He stomps his way down the stairs and makes a beeline for the yard.

Astrid blinks up from her work, slowly turning her head toward the door leading out to the backyard and then slowly still up toward Jens. "Uh..." She pulls herself up hastily, throwing aside the book with the most handsome and mostly naked Fabian with his scantily dressed damsel to hightail after Jens. "Please tell me that, that wasn't what I think it was..." Not that she has any real clue what she thinks that was.

Jens stomps past Astrid and shrugs bare shoulders, swinging the fire extinguisher. "I don't know," he says absently, yanking open the door to the yard. "What do you think that was?" He unhooks the hose of the small fire extinguisher aims at the fire, letting out a white spray that starts to cover the blaze.

"A dragon?" Astrid follows after Jens, almost in his shadow before she peeks over his shoulder (more like around his shoulder), to take in the sight of the blaze. She blinks owlishly before she straightens back up and steps from around him to take a look at the now foam-covered blaze. She frowns, tromping down the steps even with the storm still thick overhead.

"Oh. Then no, it's not a dragon. Just had to light this fucker on fire and toss it." Jens stops spraying and kicks one of the formerly ablaze pieces of wood. It's clearly a painting canvas, one of many Jens has. He grunts and then heads back inside. "I'll clean it up."

Her eyes widen at the sight of what had been a painting canvas. She turns slowly toward Jens, then looks at formerly burning heap, only to scamper after Jens. "Why? Was it one of those? Dream paintings?" She's continuing after him with that little sister intensity. "Are you okay?"

"Nah, it just sucked," Jens says, but it lacks conviction. He finds the trash and tosses the empty extinguisher in there and then grabs the whole bucket, walking back to the yard. "I'm okay. Just pissed. Colors, you know?" He's lying. He's a bad liar.

Astrid almost becomes collateral damage standing so close behind Jens, but she pivots out of the way to avoid getting a whole bucket of water on her. She is still scampering after Jens, really clocking her steps today. "Okay, you know that you can just throw something away you don't like... not, like, light it on fire. I know," she starts to laugh a bit mirthlessly, "crazy concept." She stops this time in the doorway, hands sliding into the pockets of her tiny denim shorts. "Um." Whatever she wants to say here falters a bit.

"Hey, look," Jens says, grabbing all the pieces of wood that have now had a chance to cool off and sticking them in the trash bucket. "I don't tell you how to save the planet, you don't tell me how to trash my art, okay?" It sounds meaner than it is, because he does glance over and flash her a brief smile. Something rattled him, and he's dealing. "How's Fabian?" He nods at her book on the table, smirking. "Romance novels and Bon Jovi?" He tsks, hip-checking her when he walks by. "You and Marius get into it again or something?"

"Hey!" Astrid then scowls, crossing her arms only to then oof at the hip-check. "Some people find my Captain Planet-ness to be extremely hot." His brother, for example. She trails after him, but still glancing at the art crime scene. She's too curious, but she holds it in. She snorts out a breath as she heads back toward her romance novel fort. "Do you know how many times that Ash and I hit Half-Priced Books and end up buying the same smutty romance novel? I'm creating a database so we don't end up with four copies of Crooked Hearts."

"I didn't say it wasn't hot, I said I wouldn't tell you how to do it. I'm not gonna tell you how to woman, either, but women are still hot," he points out. He ties off the bag and leaves it off to the side before heading back outside and grabbing the house so he can spray the remainder foam and stuff down. Fffffssshhhhh. "Jesus, Astrid, nerds are hot, too, but this feels like trying too hard," he says, laughing.

"Super glad you ran me through all of those checkpoints, Jens." Astrid casts him an amused look before she sprawls back out with her stacks. She points him to one. "Start reading me off titles." She spreads open her legs in a near-splits stretch and goes back to typing the title that Jens interrupted her from finishing. "You'd like this one..." She holds up the book Theory of Attraction. "It's nerdy sexy, and you should have more of that in your life."

"I could use sexy of any stripe at this point," Jens says with a laugh. He finishes hosing down the yard and comes back inside, drying off his hands on his overalls. "What I wouldn't do for a plump librarian in my life, ya know?" He picks up a book. "Between Us." He tosses it aside. "Lust Royale. Rich Young Boy. Brazen and Buff. Wanted: Banana Hammock. Are you fucking kidding me?" Jens barks a laugh. "Oooh. Cloaked Heart. That one has subtle emotional abuse written all over it."

Astrid thinks through that, head tilted. "Why are we keeping your desire for a plump librarian—" But then she clues in. "Oh! That's a title. Right." She casts him a lopsided look before she starts to type away at her keyboard, inputting the titles as Jens reads them off. "Damnit, Ash. How many Lust Royale copies do you have! Put it in that pile." She gestures to a pile with dupes. Mentioning Cloaked Heart has her smirking a bit. "Most of them do. Ash and I once did a month of nothing but books where we ranked level of emotional dependency compared to quantities of food metaphors during sex scenes. My favorite was the one that described cum as egg whites." Gross? She types those titles.

"Mmm, egg whites," Jens says. "The only time my cum looks like egg whites is if I haven't cum in a while and then I do it really fast. Like, you know, 'I'm about to go on a hot date and I don't wanna walk around with a boner all night or be a two-pump chump so I better get pump one out real quick'." TMI, Jens. But then again, she invited him to do this and then she brought up cum. Her fault, really. "Temptation of the Knight, When We Were Wallflowers, Nu--" Jens bursts out laughing, tossing his head back. He guffaws hard and tosses the book down. "Nutty and Nice. Oh god."

Like TMI is a thing in this house. Though, if Marius was here, he'd probably be blushing even while agreeing. "Egg whites means the girl is fertile." Helpful Fertility Info for 500, Alex. Astrid types in the next couple titles, but the guffawing has her looking his way with a squint. "Hey. That's like one of my favorites!" She types in the title with some gusto. "Super glad to be privy to this very important Jens Date Prep. Explains why you're in the bathroom so long." She sticks her tongue out at him.

"You tease, but I don't do that shit in the bathroom," Jens counters immediately, smiling brightly at her. "Lace Dreams, Song of a..., Jesus Christ, Song of a Maid, Maybe, Probably, Peas in a Pod ... ... ... seriously? Groomsday."

"You sound so judgy," Astrid complains even while she types. "Half the fun is finding the best titles. Wait until you find the entire series named after pies." Beat. "In alphabetical order." She then sighs out a quick breath, leaning back a bit on her hands with a stretch. "Think we should order pizza?"

"I'm not judgy! I'm a painter, have you seen some of the things my colleagues call their fucking paintings? At least these people aren't pretentious." Jens snickers a little. "Oh, god, Cupid's Queue, get it? Queuepid? AHAHAHAHAHHA." His head tosses back and he tosses the book aside. "Fetch the Plumber. Yikes." Her question gets a laugh. "Only if it comes with as much cheeses as these book titles."

"That one is Ash's," Astrid objects. But then she relents. "But the Plumber one is mine. Blame your brother. He's hot in his blue-collar khakis." She swipes out of her spreadsheet to open a new browser window. She types in the web address for the local pizza place. "Dude! Free wings tonight with two large pizzas. So, that'll feed you and Ree..." She sticks her tongue out at him before she starts the ordering process for food.

"I refuse to believe any of these belong to just one of you," Jens says, "you both probably read them all so I'm just counting them as joint property. The Accidental Wife." Jens just shakes his head and tosses the book aside, heading for the kitchen. "Accidental. Uh huh." He pops the fridge open. "Just order four large pizzas! We can get twice the wings!"

"Ash sometimes reads them to me as bedtime stories." That... yeah, that's true. Astrid looks up at the tossed book and then at Jens's back. "You didn't even find the one about the dude who slowly falls in love with the sex slave he got at auction. It has butt plugs in it." If the NSA has this house bugged, they are getting more than they bargained for. She narrows her eyes as she navigates to the pizza ordering. "Two meat lovers, a veggie, and a Hawaiian??" She leans to look after him. "Hot wings and sweet chili glaze??" She widens her eyes. "JENS! They have cookie pizza! I think they figured out stoners love their shit."

"Heh, butt plugs. Dude, slave at auction? You guys read this shit for fun?" He furrows his brow. "This is like that movie that came out on Netflix about the Italian mobster that kidnaps a lady and tells her she can leave in a year if she doesn't fall for him and then it gets all sexy despite him being like, the fucking kidnapper?" He shakes his head and just waves his hands. "Never mind, everyone has their own thing, I guess." Cookie pizza. "Isn't cookie pizza just ... a big cookie? I feel like if you add tomato and cheese... I don't know. No. Just no. But if it's like a giant cookie, then sure! But yes on the other stuff."

"Big giant cookie! With frosting, and it looks like... I don't know what the toppings are, but there are toppings." Astrid finishes arranging the order with a few more clicks, and then announces, "Ordered!" Then she rolls to her feet and pads into the kitchen so she can get herself something to drink. She then hauls herself up on the counter beside the fridge, reaching for the bottle opener on the top of the fridge so she can open her beer. "And look... it was an interesting conversation starter about..." She hesitates. "Um. It had really good sex scenes?"

"Uh huh." Jens pulls himself up onto the counter of the kitchen and takes a drink of his own. "Did those scenes involve consent or or is it all, 'I might as well, since he owns me now'?" He sticks his tongue out. "It's fine. Some people have rape fantasies. I understand the difference between reading or watching that shit and thinking it's hot and not actually supporting the real thing."

Astrid actually looks a little relieved that Jens gets it, because she just takes a drink from the beer bottle and relaxes a bit on the counter. She swings her feet, lightly thunking her heels against the lower cabinet doors. "There's definitely a whole trove of criticism romance novels probably deserve, but they're also hot." She gestures at him with her bottle before she takes a swallow from it.

"I get it," Jens repeats, like a promise. "Sometimes I do shit in the sack that I would never do without the other person's consent. Like, whatever. I mean I've never been asked to pretend I'm raping someone and thank god, cuz I'm pretty sure my dick would just..." He holds his hand up and then just flops it. "Not hot. But, like, some possessive and dom play and shit is great. Doesn't mean I actually think women belong to anyone. Gotta draw that line. If you can, it's all good. It's no different than, like," christ she got him talking, "watching and enjoying movies like Bad Boys or some other action flick where the renegade cop kills a bunch of people and breaks all the laws protecting the citizenry to get the job done and then they're the hero instead of what they really are." A bad cop. "It's just more sensitive because sexuality."

Astrid's brows slowly lift with each successive syllable until she's smiling a bit at him like she's half-amused. But then the smile deflates a bit into something thoughtful. "Sure, sure... I get that." She muses to herself as she takes another drink, and then points at him again with the bottle. "I think it's hot in text, but definitely not in person. Like, only if Marius is deep into Sigurd does he really get all dommy." Then she makes a vague dismissive gesture. "I think there's a line. And I see the line, and I don't want to cross the line, but maybe just kind of toe the line. Though, maybe the line is more like the edge of the Grand Canyon?"

"Yeah but he gets all bossy as Sigurd with everyone. It's not even sexual. He just starts pointing," and he mimics his brother pointing in random directions, and starts to shout instructions in Norwegian, brows very very furrowed and the edges of his mouth yanked down like Marius gets when he's super into it. "Next time he threatens to make me clean the latrines I'm gonna kick him in the nuts. You can bill me for a new vibrator."

Astrid starts to giggle at the well-captured impression of Sigurd. She takes another drink. "I will definitely bill you." She shakes her head with a broad smile. "I could use a new vibrator. I think I left it at ScanFest." She arches her brows at Jens with a broad smile.

"Don't look at me. Only vibrators I've used are Filly's or Ash's," he says with a shrug. "And only if they ask! I don't play with other people's toys without permission." He flashes her a smile. "Filly's all shacked up with Rhys lately anyway."

"Ash still has Bjorn." Astrid names her dildos after Vikings characters, and no it isn't weird. "I don't think I'm getting him back." She stretches her bare feet, wiggling her toes a bit. She tilts her head. "Rhys and Filly, huh? I was supposed to know about that, right?" She hears her phone ding, and she plops off the counter to pad into the living room to fetch it. She peeks at it. "Ree is on his way home! DO we need anything?" She pads back into the kitchen, typing at her phone with her beer tucked in her elbow.

"She likes his boat, I guess. I dunno." Jens doesn't seem broken up about it; those kinds of open relationships, even ones that might get emotionally intense, tend to ebb and flow; them tapering and then intensifying later isn't weird or rare for people like him. "More beer."

"Boats." Astrid is still typing. "Scoff." Then she sends off the text before she sets down her phone and takes another swallow of beer. "You're not starting to feel lonely are you, Jens?" She has that little note of a friend who will throw herself at any task that could make her friends happy.

Jens considers the question with another drink of his beer and then shrugs. "I dunno. I'll have to sit with the doc later and talk about it, analyze them feelz." Jens does a lot of talking with his therapy about this stuff. He may not be an entirely healthy person, mentally, but his attitudes towards his own issues are. "But now I'm fantasizing about plump librarians with horned-rimmed glasses, and it's your fault."

"Your therapist is pretty hot." Astrid drains the rest of her beer and goes to drop the bottle into the recycling bin. Still a bit dissatisfied, she starts to snoop around the cabinets for a glass. "Plump librarians are pretty great. The glasses thing I never understood... why glasses? Can't a sexy librarian not wear glasses?"

"My therapist now is not really hot, no," Jens shakes his head. "You're thinking of the blonde one we ran into a whiiiiiiiile back. Vivian." Jens deflates a little, letting his lips raspberry for a moment as he remembers her. "She caught me one time just fantasizing and she asked about who and I did not tell her because she would have definitely had to refer me to someone else, lemme tell you." He grins. "But she left, so now I get someone else. She's fine. Not hot, but smart. She gets me." Jens is fine! He lost his hot therapist, but he's fine! "Glasses are hot. I don't have to explain what turns me on to you!" He grins.

"And because you wouldn't tell her, she dumped you anyway." Astrid offers an apologetic smile his way before she goes about getting ice and the bottle of vodka down so she can make herself a drink. If vodka on the rocks is an actual drink and not just straight-up booze. She shakes her head. "Bummer though. The blonde was definitely hot." She shakes the bottle at him in offering. "But why does everyone find them hot? I mean, what is it?" She makes a gesture at Jens like she's shaking him despite being not t all close. "Tell me why!"

"AIN'T NOTHING BUT A HEAAAAAAAAAAAARTACHE." Jens grins. "Man, I don't know!" Jens tosses his hands up. "I don't think everybody does. I'm sure there's someone out there who's like, 'NO, GLASSES ARE DUMB' and they demand the lady takes them off before they cum on her face or something." Jens finishes his beer and then reaches over to clink it against her like they're swords. Clink. "Me, I like brushing my thumb over it like my thumb is a window wiper." He has got to be fucking with her at this point.

"So gross," Astrid says to the cums on her face bit. Now she clinks her glasses in turn with him but only before scowling. "So. Gross." It's a short lived response because there's the doorbell. She squeaks, handing him her glass so he's left to watch over her booze while she bounces off to answer the door and get the pizzas—four pies, one pizza cookie, and two boxes of wings.

"Hey, I thought we weren't judging," he says, shoving her as she sprints past him to the door. "Man, those two better get home soon," Jens says as he watches her come back in, hopping off the counter to help her because that can't be easy to tote.

"BEER'S HERE!" Marius's call comes from outside the door where he stands alongside the pizza guy. "I call dips on the cookie," he notes as soon as the door is open. "Or at least first dibs. I don't have to have all of it." There's a pause, and he adds, "How's Jens grossing you out now, Ast?"

"Cum shots and glasses." The poor pizza guy looks bewildered as Astrid takes the pies off his hand, handing some back to Jens and taking the others with a beam. "Thanks!" She waits for Marius to be inside before she kicks the door closed. She smooches Marius on his cheek before she starts for the living room that is still dominated by piles and piles of romance novels and Astrid's now sleeped computer. She arranges the pizza boxes she's carrying on the coffee table. "So... cookie pizza first?"

"How the hell do you get to call dibs on anything when you weren't even here for the whole categorizing Ashtrid's smutty novel collection bit of the night?" Jens hrmphs. "Also, she brought up cum and then asked why people think girls with glasses are hot. What the fuck, how am I at fault?"

"Because I've been bored enough to already read half of it?" Marius asks Jens, and then he shakes his head, "And you just gave the pizza guy a great tip there. The mental image. But that shit's all porn-y anyhow. Never met a girl actually interested in getting cummed on. But glasses are hot." He pats Astrid's ass as she kisses his cheek, and then follows her in, "Cookie pizza first," he confirms. "As it should be."

"... you haven't?" Jens looks at Marius, then Astrid, then Marius again. "... you can have dibs on the cookie, man, that's pretty sad," he says, setting the other pizzas down and patting his brother on the shoulder, like, yikes. He pulls his phone out. "I'm gonna text Ash so she can get her long-legged ass in gear. You'd think someone with those gams would move faster, right?"

(TXT to Ash) Jens : If you're not here soon the only thing left is gonna be crusts and wing bones.

Astrid pops open the box that reveals, as suspected, a giant ass cookie with icing and what looks to be a topping of oreo cookie crumbles. She passes the box to Jens first, to at least demonstrate that Jens gets dibs! She goes for the hot wings first. She huffs a breath as Marius confirms this whole glasses stuff. "But why?" Then she looks over at Jens. "Hey! Marius has only just managed to stop blushing when he uses the scandalous f-word... be gentle." She winks at Marius before she dunks a wing into the bleu cheese dressing.

"No. In, not on." And on cue, Marius blushes a little, starting to reach for the cookie pizza, only to have Astrid pass it to Jens. He scowls at her, and then sets the beer down, pops one for himself, and gathers up a slice of pizza, "And the glasses, I'm pretty sure they're part of the madonna-whore thing. Guys want someone who looks all sweet and adorable," he gestures over toward Astrid, and then toward Jens's phone, "but who's hot shit in bed." And he gestures back to Astrid again. "Glasses help with the sweet and adorable."

"Aw," Jeans says to his brother, "You think I'm hot shit in bed? Have to been listening? That's so sweet." He grabs a piece of pizza because he's not a savage that eats dessert first! Just a petty sibling who complains about stuff. "And it might be. Though at this point really does it even count as innocence just cuz glasses?"

"Sweet and adorable, huh?" Astrid squints suspiciously at Marius before she takes another bite out of the hot wing. Then she shrugs at Jens. "Probably not, but fetishes, am I right?" She pops back down amongst the books. "What's the dude equivalent to glasses?"

"No, I think Ash has the sweet and adorable thing too... when she's not giving her death-glare." Marius looks over to Astrid, "Sorry, you don't have the death stare. Not the same way. And I think it might be 'geeky' now, more than sweet and adorable." He pauses, his grin spreading wider, "How's your eye-sight, by the way, Ast?" He's probably just kidding. But Astrid's asking a question, and he frowns in thought, "Uh... probably glasses?" He looks to Jens for confirmation.

Jens is chewing as they debate this very important topic of conversation. He looks between them and sighs, swallowing. "It's a clean button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up." Like, duh.

"I do too have a death stare." Astrid doesn't. The only time she's ever scary is on those SCA battlefields when she lets her inner valkyrie fly. "My eyesight is just fine, thankyouverymuch." Astrid takes another bite from her chicken wing, pausing to look up at Jens with a thoughtful look. She chews through it, starting to nod. "Yup. Okay. That is pretty adorable hot."

"You have an 'I'm going to smash you into the ground with this sword,' stare," Marius sort of confirms. "How about the Clark Kent thing?" That must be to Astrid about her eyes being just fine, and then he stops, looking over to Jens and lifting his brows, "Okay. Yeah. I'll buy it." And Astrid has confirmed it. He looks down at his own t-shirt and jeans, and then shrugs, "And then the man-whore version is when you unbutton the shirt and aren't wearing anything under it? Instead of getting cum on the glasses?"

"Only if you oiled up your abs first," Jens says with a snort. He looks at his phone and rolls his eyes. "Ash's car stalled down the street," he says. "I'mma go help her push or she's gonna complain we ate everything. Be right back." He grabs another two slices and heads for the door.

Astrid contemplates this. "Clark Kent... yes. Though, he really didn't roll up his sleeves. He was kind of adorable." Then she grins after Jens, calling, "Promise her cookies!" Once Jens is off, Astrid grins over to Marius. She offers him a quick nod of her chin. "Hey. Wanna be my man-whore?"

"No," Marius responds to Astrid, "I meant the glasses without a prescription." Lifting up the front of his shirt, he looks at his abs and then back to Jens, "Oil? Ew. Let me know if you need another set of hands." Starting over to the couch, he stops at Astrid's question, "I mean... yeah. Especially if I get paid." And now the front of his shirt comes up higher, showing off more abs, and he grins at Astrid, "You're not using pepperoni grease to oil me up though."

"Oh, fine... we will use coconut oil, like normal people." Then Astrid grabs Marius by his shirt front to kiss him, neverminding the hot sauce she leaves on his shirt or the spice on her lips.