2021-11-25 - Murder-Mart: Shop till you DIE!

Safeway isn't usually known as the grocery store with all the bells and whistles, it's a fairly simple little place to go and get your essentials, milk, bread, eggs, that sort of thing. How everyone actually got here in the first place is question number one, why they're all handcuffed to shopping carts is probably question number two, and how do I get out of here is probably question number three.

"Welcome Safeway shoppers!" a guttural demonic voice echos over the intercom system as the cameras pan over to a devilish creature dressed in an impressively dapper pinstripe suit. "Are you ready to play a game?" this is starting to feel very inspired by the 2004 movie Saw, maybe it's the being handcuffed to things part, or the cheesy play a game line, or the subtle building noise of buzzsaws behind everyone? Nah, that's probably nothing, don't worry about it.

"Murder Mart welcomes our contestants to the darkest of Black Friday game shows! Deals so good...you'd die for them, and you will die for them, because there are no winners on..." his boney red finger juts over to a nearby studio audience, a myriad of hellish creatures that the spotlights this retail hell has recently installed highlight "MURDER MART!!!!!!!" the crowd cheers.

"That's right!" the host with the horns barks, shooting some finger guns over to the evil observers as all of those claws and tentacles give a round of applause.

Red lights flash and a those brand new bells and whistles go off, it seems like the race has begun and other contestants in the same situation rush screaming down random isles. The enormous saw blades that were, until now, hidden under the confines of the Safeway floor cut through the linoleum to put a bit more pep in everyone's shopping step too. It might be a good time to keep on rollin' rollin' rollin for your life.

As if things weren't bad enough already it seems all the carts everyone is cuffed to have squeaky wheels, you just can't catch a break can you?

Everyone bolts down the isles, scattering this way and that to get out of the trajectory of the murder saws that circle and swim through the floor like sharks, entirely ready to clip anyone that can't keep pace into a gory coupon carcass.

A reverberation of primal cheers come from the spooky spectators as an unlucky contestant crashes their cart into an endcap and falls face down on the faux tile, a saw skating over to take their fingers clean off their right hand as they collapse. "We have a five finger discount in isle 3!" the announcement can just barely be heard over the grotesque howls of pain from the unlucky shopper and all the ongoing carnage.

As the fearful herd continues isles begin to twist and contort like something M.C. Escher would proudly put his stamp of approval on, their contents changing from canned goods to various archaic weaponry and torture devices as the shadowy scene swirls into a nausea inducing maze.

The leader of the pack, a burly bodybuilder that likely hasn't skipped a leg day in his entire life, has a good 20 yards of distance ahead of everyone else. Sadly for him being first in a Murder Mart race isn't always a good thing. The selection of medieval swords that are most certainly in stock spring out and animate as if held by spectral warriors, taking turns slashing his features to bits as blood pools to the ground. "We're slashing prices and faces here at Murder Mart! Clean up on isle 5!" the satanic sadist cackles out from the talk boxes above.

Saw sharks still hot on their heels and sentient swords swinging wildly in front of them should certainly be enough to deal with right? Well, they say nobody makes it out of Murder Mart alive and it's not hard to see why ~Beep Beep Beep~ those tiny noises start up from the lowest shelf of the shopping carts everyone is still attached to, nobody ever looks on the bottom shelf of the carts, especially not when being chased by demonic saw sharks.

"Stay tuned everybody because we've got some explosive deals coming right up after a message from our sponsors." the entire world seems to pause in freeze frame, but those bombs are going to blow eventually so you might not be entirely saved by the commercial break unless something is done before whoever is watching gets back from being barraged by frightfully fiendish fast food ads from this diabolical broadcast.

Much as you'd expect in any terrible Action/Horror flick when a bomb is thrown it has a tendency to explode, that T.V. truth still remains evident even when it's time for a commercial break and time itself seems to be paused. Sure, I know what you're thinking, in real life C4 won't explode from an impact like that, but just keep up that suspension of disbelief a bit longer and remember it's all a dream...that can kill you.

Speaking of killing things, the doors of Safeway are most certainly on the list of not living, they already were to begin with since they were inanimate, but they do also explode. The beautiful demolition is nothing short of a godsend, revealing a way out into the parking lot, beams of radiant angelic energies emanating in from the promised land. There was always only one way out, just like there was only one way in, through those majestic automatic doors that used to exist.

The most urgent problem now is just the other bombs that are very much still attached to everyone else's cart and the very little time they have remaining to solve that problem before they end up like the doors just did.

The commercial break comes to an end as the remainder of the bombs are lobbed through the air and the veritable hellscape of Safeway gets the show on the road once more. LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION! Unbeknownst to the devilishly dapper host a touchdown worthy ball of C4 is coming right up from behind him, "And we're back for the combustible conclusion of Murder M-" his showman speal is blown short as his suave suit is detonated along with his limbs. His horned head flings through the air after the tremendous BOOM!

"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!" we can't, we just got back from one, also how are you still talking when you're in a million pieces? Oh, that's right you're some demonic dream creature, at least it will probably take him awhile to get himself back together.

The other bomb doesn't quite hit it's mark, it lands instead in a 6 foot tall pyramid of green beans nearby the studio audience, sending the vegetables showering out like birdshot all over them. "You got my GREEN BEANS ON MY OLD NAVY PULL OVER! I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANNNNAAAAAGGGGGEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!" is screeched from the stands, of course there are Karens in hell, they belong here after all.

Meanwhile Chris is flying through the warzone to the home stretch, taking in the sights of said Karen bickering with mephistophelian manager. "My apologies Ma'am, I'm sure I can get you a gift card or something to make it up to you." the nervous leather-faced creature gurgles. An ear piercing shriek barrels from the harpy Karen as she digs her claws into the manager's eye holes and rips his head clean off decapitating him, gift cards pour out of his neck like a burst pinata and the crowd goes wild trying to snatch as many up as they can.

That distraction might help but the waters are still full of saw-blade sharks so getting everyone else to the goal could still prove a challenge.

The great peanut butter plan should forever go down in the history of hell's favorite shopping game show because those saw sharks go right for it, slicing and dicing like the Ginsu Pact Blades® that probably had part of that previous run of advertisements for only 666 payments of $6.66. Meanwhile in isle 9 those squeaky wheels aren't so squeaky when you're a master ninja. WD-40? Who needs that? You can just tilt the cart like a hydraulically rigged low rider and sneakily slide to safety, that's using your head!

The group victoriously gathers up with Chris, it's time to blow this popsicle stand and we're inches away from this dream being cancelled. "Hold on!" oh no, it's that stupid devil hosts head, still ripe with that announcer voice that's even more creamy than the peanut butter clogging up all those, now smoking, saw shark's blades. "We have some winners!" confetti erupts from all over, whistles and bells go off, lights dance all over the floor before highlighting the Gray Harbor crew.

"Tell 'em what they've won beelzebubba!" are his final words before he finally falls lifeless on the linoleum. "They've won a brand new CAR.....T!" the prize guy, apparently named beelzebubba, declares from the entercom, the thing suddenly appearing in the heavenly promised land just outside the door.

"The SLAUGHTER SHOPPER SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX....MILLION! This rocket powered powerhouse has more horsepower than all of Texas! It's got an integrated waffle marker, anti-aircraft missiles, razor sharp scythed wheels that'll sever the legs right off anyone trying to take your new toaster, and flame decals all over." wow that's a really impressive cart Beelzebubba, i'm sure they're happy to get their prize, though they'd probably be even more happy to just wake up.

"Warning, must be 16 years of age or have parental supervision to operate, known to cause cancer in the state of California, seatbelt and airbags not provided, Murder Mart is not responsible for accidental death or dismemberment from operation, offer is also not eligible to residents of Gray Harbor." the diabolical disclaimer is rattled off at the speed of light, before a flash flows over everyone and they wake up in their beds, robbed of their prize which they totally earned, by some minor technicalities.