2020-11-11 - In Weedo Veritas

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : I don't really think Itzhak has a dinghy. Tell him. Tell him that I don't think he has a dinghy.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : what would you call it then, a canoe?

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : I feel like if it's got a long, thin hole in the top of it, something is very wrong. But you could pour beer into it. American beer, obviously.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : American beer tastes like piss

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : oh wait

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : It's fucking close to water!

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : ::laugh emoji:: ::eggplant emoji:: ::laugh emoji:: ::eggplant emoji::

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : wait why are you eggplanting me

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : Because if Itzhak's dinghy was a canoe, and it was filled with beer, then it'd be fucking close to water. Obvs.

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : American beer. Not other beer. Doesn't work if it's other beer.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : Whatever, don't drink american beer. also dinghy is a stupid word.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : That's got nothing to do with eggplants. eggplants are like, a euphemism for dicks.

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : So is dinghy! That's the point! Javier, stay with me!

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : Also I want to touch your nose.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : what my nose why

(TXT to Ruiz) Alexander : Because I think it feels like skin.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : And yes I know dinghies are dicks, obviously. well, little ones.

(TXT to Alexander) Ruiz : I'm not sure. fuck. let me check

(TXT to Vic) Alexander : Then why is there confusion? A dick-dinghy that looks like a canoe that is filled with beer. But remember, tell Itzhak I don't think he has a dinghy. Probably not a yacht, either. maybe a sloop? I think that's a boat. And all boats? Are dicks.

(TXT to Ruiz Vic) Alexander : WRONG PERSON. Miss Gray forget anything about Itzhak's dinghy.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : DO I want to know why you're talking about dicks and dinghys, and why are boats Dicks? They can't be dicks, all boats are female.

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : That explains why it'd be a canoe, then.

(TXT to Alexander Vic) Ruiz : why are we talking to Vic about this, she hasn't had sex in like.. sorry, I need to go find my fucking calculator

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : Four years. Four years Javier. My last lay was YOU. Way the fuck back in Portland and why are we telling Alexander this? I feel high. DO you feel high?

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : Javier. Rude. She is a beautiful woman who can kill people. That's very attractive. Don't be an asshole.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : well you were the last one I slept with because I wanted to. I don't count Ojeda. Because he was an asshole. I really didn't like sleeping with him but, you know, he could have killed us all.

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : Wait. Is there anyone Javier hasn't had sex with?

(TXT to Alexander Vic) Ruiz : well I haven't fucked you, have I, dumbass

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : To be fair, I think I fucked him. He just went along for the ride. I was pissed off because my fiance dumped me.

(TXT to Alexander Vic) Ruiz : Pardon me?

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : Not to my knowledge. I'd probably remember.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : You wouldn't have tried to fuck me if I didn't throw myself at you.

(TXT to Alexander Vic) Ruiz : are we going to have this argument again, in front of Alexander? we were talking about DINGHIES

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : How big is Joe's dinghy? Enquiring minds wanna know.

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : It's not in front of me. I'm laying in my bed with the ehadfones on. Metallica cures all sins. And Joe has a houseboat. It's larger than a dinghy.

(TXT to Alexander Vic) Ruiz : I don't kiss and tell sugar, go find out yourself

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz) Vic : I've tried, kinda, I don't think he wants to. He's too in wuuuuuv wif yewwwwww

(TXT to Joseph) Ruiz : Vic wants to know how big your dinghy is. send pictures.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph) Vic : I told you he doesn't wanna fuck me, why would he send me pictures

(TXT to Vic Alexander) Ruiz : You'd definitely remember, Alexander

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Alexander : Kinda? I was just telling Monaghan that you didn't seem like the shy type, and now you're kinda-ing people? You need to get in there before his beard goes all mountain man. I wonder what it feels like.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz Joseph) Vic : I flirted! I just did it badly I think. Right JOe? Will you tell these people you don't want to fuck me so they can stop shipping us or whatevert the kids call it these days. Where the fuck are the pretzels I bought?! I need mu nchies.

(TXT to Ruiz Vic) Joseph : The Surprise is no dinghy. She's 36 feet. I've got a kayak, if that's what you mean. And shipping us where? What kids? And I take it that smoke has hit y'all too.

(TXT to Ruiz) Joseph : Speaking of which, that stuff has me horny as hell. Can you come over?

(TXT to Byron) Alexander : You could. But right now he's busy trying to manage his increasingly complex romantic life.

(TXT to Joseph Vic) Ruiz : I just wanted to say dinghy

(TXT to Byron Ruiz) Alexander : Tell Byron that I didn't blow up the dispensery, and that we fought the Gillamonster again and I'm not imagining it.

(TXT to Joseph Ruiz) Vic : They were talking about boats as dicks so I asked how big yours was

(TXT to Joseph) Ruiz : Like you even have to ask

(TXT to Alexander Byron) Ruiz : Byron doesn't read his fucking text messages, though he'll probably call you any minute now in a huff

(TXT to Ruiz Vic) Joseph : .....how did that even come up?

(TXT to Vic Joseph) Ruiz : what, dinghies? or dicks?

(TXT to Ruiz) Joseph : Good. I feel like a cat rolling around in a pile of catnip. Hope you don't mind if I crawl into your lap and purr.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph) Vic : I have no snacks. I don't want to eat kelly's snacks, taht would be rude of me.

(TXT to Vic Ruiz) Joseph : Both. And you should eat them, and then buy more. Pay him back.

(TXT to Byron Ruiz) Alexander : Byron does too read his text messages. He just doesn't like long, long text conversations. maybe his fingers get tired. Mine get tired someimes. Thus, emojis. ::dance emoji:: ::sun emoji:: ::boat emoji::

(TXT to Joseph) Ruiz : So long as you don't mind if I scratch behind your ears. wait but you aren't a cat.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander) Byron : de la Vega went from a dispensary explosion to having a complicated romantic life in what span of time now? Hey, Interim Chief.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Ruiz : Will you fucking stop with the emojis

(TXT to Byron Ruiz) Alexander : Maaaake me. ::dance emoji:: ::eggplant emoji:: ::explosion emoji::

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Ruiz : Thorne. Alexander did not blow up the dispensary. or so he says.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander) Byron : de la Vega, Clayton told me that a dispensary blew up and that you were there. So you weren't present at the time?

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Byron Alexander) Vic : Joe always avoids the subject when I flirt with him. I am starting to feel unsullied. Insulted. WTF autocorrect

(TXT to Byron Ruiz) Alexander : No. Not at the dispensery! With the Gillamonster! Byron. You're usually very sharp!

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Ruiz : what the fuck that liar I was most certainly not

(TXT to Ruiz) Joseph : No, but that still feels good. I like to be petted, you know that.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Byron Vic) Alexander : This isn't hard. Cavanaugh. Sex with Miss Grey. Yes? No? Dinner first?

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander) Byron : Look, you mentioned the gillamonster, then mentioned the dispensary. How was I to know that ...

(TXT to Ruiz Byron Alexander Vic) Joseph : Why are we bringing Thorne and Clayton in on this? Am I being tried by a jury of my peers? What, is Alexander a yenta now?

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : Well, hello, Hello!

(TXT to Ruiz Byron Alexander Joseph) Vic : See...changes the subject. I'm gonna go join a goddamned nunnery

(TXT to Joseph Ruiz Byron Vic) Alexander : Are you even Catholic?

(TXT to Alexander Byron Vic Joseph) Ruiz : I still say it isn't a dinghy

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Byron Alexander) Vic : Do they even care? I figure you show up and say "YO I AM NEVER GETTING LAID AGAIN! MAKE ME A BRIDE OF CHRIST BITCHES!"

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : Glad to see that I'm not interrupting anything important.

(TXT to Ruiz Byron Alexander Vic) Joseph : I am Catholic, in fact. Just lapsed. And, well, it's a lot more involved than that, becoming a nun. And I wasn't changing the subject, I was acting for clarification

(TXT to Ruiz Vic Byron Joseph) Alexander : That's not how nundom works. Pretty sure. Especially the 'bitches' part. And Byron, it's very important. Or it was. We blew up the Gillamonster again, and the dispensary blew up, and I'm pretty sure that we are all mentally compromised.

(TXT to Ruiz Vic Byron Joseph) Alexander : There. All on the same page? Gillamonster ::explosion emoji:: Dispensary ::explosion emoji:: Our brains on drugs ::explosion emoji::

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : It seems to me, Clayton, that you're the only one mentally compromised.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : de la Vega said he wasn't even at the dispensary.

(TXT to Ruiz Vic Byron Joseph) Alexander : Oh, and Itzhak - Not a ::boat emoji::.

(TXT to Byron Joseph Alexander Vic) Ruiz : that's a fucking burn

(TXT to Ruiz Vic Byron Alexander) Joseph : I'm high, if that's what you mean by compromised. Or arguably, longer term, yeah, TBI hasn't helped.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz Joseph Byron) Vic : What the fuck is the Gillamonster? I almost got a naughty nun costume for Halloween.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : What does that even mean? Not a boat? (....)

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Vic Byron) Alexander : Not a dinghy. More like a sloop.

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : dinghy. he means dinghy. Rosencrantz was comparing his dick to a dinghy.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : So who else saw this Gillamonster? And I'm sure that you made a lovely nun.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Vic Byron) Alexander : I'm not making it up, Byron! 🙁

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : I take it back, it seems like you're all mentally compromised after all.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : Having seen Rosencrantz naked and rowed dinghies, I can confirm that that metaphor does not hold.

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : You want to come here and say that to my face

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : I'll wait til you're sober. Or were you talking to Cavanaugh?

(TXT to Vic Joseph Byron Ruiz) Alexander : Don't do it. It's a trap.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Joseph Byron) Vic : Can I come watch? Will there be puncbhing?

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : No, but there will be spelling lessons

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Byron Vic) Alexander : I punched Seth in the throat. It was fun.

(TXT to Alexander Ruiz Byron Joseph) Vic : Oh man, I missed that? I still need to punch him in the nutsack.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : I want you to come here so I can say things to your face, Javier. Step on it. Sailors have needs.

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : punching people is assault, and assault is against the law

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : Oh for fucks sake, Javier, go fuck Joe already! At least someone is getting laid tonight!

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : I'll handle your needs all right, Cavanaugh

(TXT to Byron Ruiz Vic Joseph) Alexander : I'm sorry. 🙁 I don't mean to break the laaw.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : You always do, baby.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : (...) (...) ( )

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : I hate you all, Except you Byron, I don't know you.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : I'm glad that you don't hold anything I'd read here against me. Not that I saw anything.

(TXT to Vic Byron Joseph Ruiz) Alexander : You don't feel weird at all, Byron? Not even a little? Tiny bit? Maybe you're above the smoke.

(TXT to Ruiz Vic Joseph Byron) Alexander : Wait. Why am I hated?

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : I don't know. I don't hate you. you're my bff

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : You witness my pain. He wasn't talking to you Javier. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU

(TXT to Ruiz Byron Vic Joseph) Alexander : What. Really? ::grin emoji::

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : And why were you all beating on Monaghan again?

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : Seth splattered us with paint.

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : wow vic you sound like you need to get laid.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : .....are you sure it was paint?

(TXT to Vic Byron Joseph Ruiz) Alexander : Byron is a witness! You don't hate him. He's got a better smile. And I was doing it to help Ravn. Obviously. We sparred to demonstrate defensive moves.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : FUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOU JAVVVVIER

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Byron Vic) Alexander : It was primer.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : I'm looking out my window right now.

(TXT to Byron Vic Joseph Ruiz) Alexander : Does it sparkle?

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : Try a bottle of Patron, Vic, he'll usually rise to that bait pretty quick.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : My life is a pit of empty nothingness. I'm going to go buy snacks to fill the void where my sexytimes should be =.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : Might wanna stop and get yourself some extra batteries, too.

(TXT to Byron Vic Ruiz Joseph) Alexander : Mean.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : FUCK YOU CAVANAUGH!

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : I'm not the one she's trying to bait, baby

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : I give up.

(TXT to Byron Vic Ruiz Joseph) Alexander : Byron. Is there smoke? Don't breathe the smoke. It's probably not good for you. Just look at us.

(TXT to Ruiz Alexander Vic Byron) Joseph : I'm just saying that technology has solutions for this. I mean, hell, I've been on deployment where I didn't set foot on shore for six months on end and there was no Marine handy.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : It's a mess out there. Heading back in.

(TXT to Alexander Vic Joseph Byron) Ruiz : uh.. gotta go.

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Byron) Vic : I'm getting off this text chain. It's depressing.

(TXT to Byron Vic Ruiz Joseph) Alexander : I'm sorry. No depression was meant. 🙁

(TXT to Ruiz Joseph Alexander Vic) Byron : It looked like chaos down there. So was there an actual gillamonster or not?

(TXT to Byron Vic Ruiz Joseph) Alexander : Yes! Dream Gillamonster. So as actual as Dreams get. Tell him, Javier.

(TXT to Byron Vic Ruiz Joseph) Alexander : Wait. He's gone. My witness is gone.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : I feel as if mistakes were made.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : On what front?

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : You're the mistake, Clayton.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : Yes. Probably. I'm sorry.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : Hey, what brought that on?

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Haha, I just wanted to see his reaction to that statement.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Lighten up, Clayton. I'll speak to de la Vega tomorrow some time.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : Yes. Okay.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : Hell, I'll be speaking to him in about fifteen minutes. What do you need to ask him?

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : He just wants to know if we actually got flung back into the Gilligan's Island dream (we did) and I'm not just making things up.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Clayton texted me initially about some Gilligan's Island Gillamonster's revenge. De la Vega has been uninterested in confirming this story, though he was supposedly there. So I can't be sure whether Alexander actually witnessed it or that he's high as fuck right now.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : I have a lei. It's a Dream lei, so it's probably going to try and eat my face at some point. But it smells nice and feels like buttery silk.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : I am ALSO high as fuck. I can do two things at once.

(TXT to Alexander Byron) Joseph : I see. Send me a picture of the lei, if you can? I'm curious.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Same.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : ::attached picture of lei - it looks like a very ordinary lei that you might get in any cheap tourist shop::

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : The racist rich lady gave them to us when we got off the boat.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Haha. That's your proof? Are you sure it wasn't from the dispensary when you blew it up?

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : I didn't blow up the dispensary!

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : Huh. Looks like a lot I saw in Hawaii.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : You'd expect fresh leis in Hawaii.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : It's just a lei. I don't think lei's a word anymore. It's just a collection of letters thrown at the screen. But I don't make things up.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : YOu would, though god knows they had plenty of cheap ones.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Mrs. Howell, I think her name was. Took me a moment.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : Probably. I only watched the show a few times because it was in syndication and my mom loved it. I think she had a thing for the Professor.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Took me a while equals looked at Wikipedia. Funny, the ship set off from Honolulu too. So you're right on that point, Cavanaugh.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : It should have been called the Skipper's Island. Gilligan was the least impressive character in the whole crew. He was just a bumbler, and people laughed at him.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Who do you relate to more?

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : I remember watching it as a kid. Re-runs, of course.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : Relate to? I don't know. None of them. They never seemed particularly real. Just caricatures mouthing lines and learning lessons that they immediately forgot, because it wasn't entertaining enough for them to remember what they learned.

(TXT to Byron Joseph) Alexander : And now I'm sad. I'm sorry. I'm going to put the phone down now. Don't die.

(TXT to Joseph Alexander) Byron : Back at you both.

(TXT to Byron Alexander) Joseph : Y'all have a good night.