2020-03-23 - Super Mario a-la-Kart: Valentines Flaptastrophe

Why do these things always happen on the way to the bathroom? Kailey stops short as the stall she had stepped through becomes, well...this! So she is standing there, hands on jean button already undone, staring around owlishly. "Aw...fuuuck. Scuse me, princess, where's the bathroom?" She asks of the wand-waving wee woman.

"... what the ever loving fuuuuuu--?" Jay doesn't know how he got here. He can take a wild fucking guess but it isn't going to matter much anyway. One thing's for sure, though: he definitely wasn't planning on being anywhere. Not unless his going out attire is a pair of yellow Wu-Tang boxer shorts and a red muscle shirt. His top sleeves, shoulders, and chest are pretty clearly covered in some complex tattoo--dragon-like and really big and winding. He knows enough about the Veil to play along until he figures out what's going on, though, so after an initial... moment of incredulity, he glances around.

"Aw," he says, as a particularly angry looking bird approaches him, black-feathered, red-chinned, blue-faced. Jay gulps, and then... mounts the cassowary.

"I'm so fucked."

Fowl? How foul. Finding her bird, Lyric mounts it and glances around at the others to sort of size up her competition. Her bird is an abnormally large peacock in a vast array of colors that looks to have a bit of a (pea)cocky attitude. Har-har. He struts around a little and she squeezes her legs on him to guide him back around to the mark. "Come on you, right over here. Just follow my directions, I'll try and feed you afterwards." Patting her pockets she checks for anything a peacock would eat. She has no clue what that would be. There's a peppermint from the restaurant. She opens it and offers it over. The peacock sniffs and makes a weird sound, not so politely declining. So Lyric pops it in her mouth instead.

This grossly bright and colorfully saturated world is something that Byron is used to visiting every so often. He never knows what brought /him/ here and at the time, can't remember what he was doing just prior. All he does know is that this is pretty ridiculous and if he could find an exit right now, he would. But the only way to exit these Dreams is to go through them right? Shit. Whatever, he was doing, he's dressed in a dark three-piece suit, except he has a scarf around his neck and goggles atop his slicked back hair. He even dons leather gloves, the type he used for driving during winter.

He didn't just magically appear sitting inside some sticky candy-made car this time. Instead... a majestic giant swan wanders his way. An elegant and beautiful bird and one of the alleged assholes of the bird kingdom. Looking the bird over, making eye contact with it, he then asks in a flat tone, "Can I help you?"

Oh great, the damn thing wants him to board it.

Blinking as she finds herself here, Nicole looks around, letting her eyes, and her mind, adjust to her current 'reality'. "Well... " she says, spotting the birds all about. "This... is new." She simply tries not to overthink it all and as other competitors start to match up with their birds, a graceful red-crowned crane, nearly as tall as she is herself, give or take a few inches, makes its way towards her. "Appropriate, because after this race, I too shall wear a crown!" She tosses her blonde hair back and lets out a maniacal evil villain sort of laugh. Clearing her throat she looks towards the others then and smiles sweetly.

Thankfully, unlike Byron, she's dressed comfortably. She can't imagine riding a giant bird in a suit, and gives Byron a look of well, it might be sympathy. She is dressed in a pair of loose fitting grey yoga pants and a very pale pink fuzzy sweater with light grey faux ugg boots on her feet and a grey slouch beanie upon her head. She looks like... like she just got out of bed and went outside to check the mail or something, truly. Hope she had her coffee at least.

A maniacal cake decorator who definitely did NOT do this is standing on the track in brown trousers, a bomber jacket, and a long scarf, accessorized with a pair of goggles on his head, which is probably not what he was wearing before these became his surroundings. And yet that's not what's annoying him most right now. "God, it's like the discount candy aisle vomited," he mutters, looking over the landscape as though it personally offends. His gaze drops to a 'stone' in the path before him, one of the myriad 'DUDE REALLY?'s, and he snorts softly. "Yes, my thoughts exactly," he says almost certainly inaccurately, and sighs, glancing around. "And no cars this time?"

Vyv eyes the various birds warily, but whether he's deciding which he'd prefer or just whether there's a way out of this that doesn't involve feathery steeds, one of them has clearly made its choice, and a massive pure-white peacock strides toward him. Albino, perhaps, with those red eyes. It cocks its head at him when it arrives, and he cocks his back at it, then does something halfway between an eyeroll and a further tilt of the head.

"All right, fine. At least you're reasonably tasteful, I suppose." He climbs aboard, taking a moment to get comfortable and figure out just how one controls this thing. The peacock looks satisfied with this, and lifts and splays its tail, which turns out to be what would happen if one took a normal peacock tail, turned the eye-shape into hearts, and adjusted all those metallic feathers from the brown-green-blue area to the silver-pink-red one. The chef glances back at this, stares flatly a moment, then shakes his head. Well. It could be worse.

Lilith has done this before and once she notes the track, she catches on pretty quick and huffs out a noise that's close to a sigh. There's a helpless adrenaline bounce on her feet, though, the brunette taking a moment to orient and look around after she's shifted into a load of cutesy strange to get a full lay of the brightly colored and festive setting they're found in.

For a moment, she opens her mouth and starts to comment, "... I'm waiting for the day we run into Oompa Loompas with encounters like..." Lilith then trails off when the woman in the dress emerges, though, and any concern she has is suddenly shifted into wariness, double so when she realizes exactly what they're being told and what their rides will be, "If she starts yelling off with our heads, I'm setting everything on fire on princ-- oh hell."

After looking around again and noting Byron and other familiar company with their birds, she eyes the phoenix-esque bird that's suspiciously built like a chocobo as it wanders up to nudge at her for a mount up, "... okay. I guess this is happening." Then she looks back at Byron a little awkwardly before going to try and mount up, "Byron. Bucket list also had horseback riding on it, but this counts, right?"

Kailey is about to say something else when a shadow falls over her. She turns to look over her shoulder at the gigantic bird hovering over her. It stands nearly six feet tall and it's giant wings are folded against it's sides. A short ridge of feathers crests its head going from pastel pink to valentine red in irridescent sheen. The rest of the birdge is bubblegum pink with more red bandings on it's wings. It looks like an eager was crossed with an albatross. Or maybe a condor. "H-Hiiii birdy," Kailey says uncertain if she is about to be lunch or what.

The little chicken-like chirp it makes and sideways head-bob make her giggle. Then it shoves the reins into her hands with a golden beak. It accepts the gentle stroking on one hand between the eyes before is squats down. The pink argentavis waits patiently as Kailey scramples up onto the bird. Trying to not pull on too many feathers. At least she was already dressed for being outside today. "Y-you're huge," She tells the bird as she settles into the saddle. Leaning forward to scritch under its feathers. Then there is honking and, "Wait...what?!" And they're off?

Jay bursts into movement when it's time, his cassowary fuled by avian rage and a competitive spirit borne of hollow bones and territoriality. As they near the edge, Jay clears his throat, his fingers clutching feathers. "I'm starting to remember that uh, fuck, cassowaries can't fucking flyyyyyshiiit!" This one can, apparently, because it takes off, spreading too-big wings and flapping once or twice. When Jay grabs too close to the bird's throat, it pecks him. Hard. "OW."

Nicole is just starting to sort of somewhat get settled on her crane when the HOOOOONK sounds, startling her. Unfortunately, she was trying to figure out where to hold on. Also unfortunately, this means she pulled out a few beautiful, pristine white feathers from just below the bird's neck. The lovely crane turns its head on its very long neck and starts to bite Nicole's legs. "Ow! Stop it! I'm sorry, okay! I am not used to bird riding!" Unlucky for her, this bird is carnivorous. Thankfully, it can only eat things much smaller than Nicole. At least in the real world. "Ow! Fuck! Bad bird. BAD BIRD!"

Looking more than a little wary of the large swan in front of him, Byron's eyes flicker to Lilith and her fiery colored bird just as she's struggling to both board it and keep it under control. He has a mind to try and keep it calm from where he's standing, just as he boards his own majestic white avian creature.

"I don't think /this/ counts. This is nothing like a nice trot out in a beautiful open field. You know, normal things." He calls out, agitation in his tone. He, however, is having a decent time getting his swan to move on command, watching as it's large wingspan lifts up at his sides, something which makes him grab ahold of its reigns right quick.

A look is given the others, despite his bird picking up speed. A lot of familiar faces in this crowd. He's competed against many of them in the past.

Lilith is unfortunately wearing a high-waisted, fitted and belted pencil skirt that's deep red, lovely in combo with a tucked in ivory blouse, and patent black leather designer heels with red bottoms. That's kind of a problem for bird mounting and the thing seems to be getting impatient with her, ready to race with or without rider. "Would you just... hang on! Hold still. Stoppit! I almost had it that--"

After Lilith gives up on trying to be anything remotely ladylike, considering people are distracted with their own birds as well as a factor, she up and yanks the skirt hem and hooks a foot in a stirrup to throw her leg over, finally. Then the bird gets confused because it gets spurred with one of her heel points on accident and starts to move before she's situated entirely.

Lilith goes yanking backwards on the reins, it rears and finally stills after almost throwing the rider. Then, of course, she realizes everyone else is going and she is not, "... uh. Giddyup?"

Beaming towards the Princess, Lyric nods, grateful the bird can at least have something for afterwards. "We will be careful," she tells the tiny footed woman. Though when she does begin moving forward she holds back a little, concerned about the end of the platform. "Ohmygosh!" she exclaims as the bird starts taking getting to the end.

No birds were harmed in the interim (yet). Except the Princess' duck. Poor thing.

"Upgrading from chocolate medals, are we?" Vyv inquires when the crown offer's made to Nicole, but there's not much time for anything else before that massive HONK.

"Right," he declares, and handles the reins as if he were riding a horse (and as if he's ridden at least one but probably not tens of horses before); he grasps them in one hand, and raises the other, pointing forward. "Percival: Onward!" he declares, with absolutely no evident doubt the bird is going to cooperate. And while the peacock does glance back to eye him a moment -- possibly to assert that he is not actually named Percival, though it looks as though he's going to be for the duration of this race -- an eyebrow's arched imperiously back at him and he does, in fact, start making his way down the platform, slowly picking up speed.

Kailey leans back slightly when that head doesn't quite turn all the way around to peer at her with bright blue eyes. "Uhhhh, onwards?" She says and smiles brightly, pointing forwards. She rid a horse in summer camp so she squeezes her knees and clucks her tongue. A little slap of the reins. It stares. "Please?" As others begin to move.

The hook beak is set to preening for a bare second. ANd then? The pink monster surges forward. "AaaIIIEEee...WEeeee!" Kailey is startled by the sudden movement, but she quickly leans forward as the bird starts doing this wierd waddle-walk forward. Gaining speed but slowly.

The cassowary's a little rough now. It moves side to side, bucks a bit, even tries to lean to the side to see if Jay will fall off of it entirely. Jay's nimble enough, though, and he keeps his grip as he watches Nicole get tossed off. He winces. "Yikes." And then Vyv takes the hit and Jay turns to face forward again, just in case! Flap, flap, flap.

Kailey is struggling with a recalcitrant argentavis that, really, just wants her to scritch it on the head. None of this flying stuff. It keeps turning back to shove it's head at her. "Yes, you're a pretty bird. We're going that way," And she rocks her hips and squeezes her knees gently. "Giddyup? Vamanos?" It gives a chicken-like bawk and turns in a circle instead. And then? There is chaos on the course! Kailey ducks down against the bird's back as flavorful fowl fly frenzied freely.

Lyric was managing her bird just fine. JUST FINE! Until the Princess sabotaged them all with the duck. Her mount wanders away from the starting line and the course, weaving about with Lyric shouting something about having a Honking Duck for Easter. "No, no! Turn around!" So it does. Around and around and around, like some smart-ass. "Stop!" Brakes are put on and she almost flies over its head, barely hanging on. At least the bird is listening! Even if it is to extremes.

"If you win," Nicole shouts out after Vyv, "try to get a crown for me!" Stroking the back of the crane's neck trying to calm it, her shouting agitated it again. It starts to bite out at her leg again while she tries to dodge the nips. "Shhh.. sorry... sorry... it's just that, I always wanted a pretty crown. Besides, let's be real. I'd eat the chocolate...."

Her crane might as well be calling Nicole Karen, because, he is really not having anything she has to say. It bucks up, lengthening its body which gives her nothing to rest her rump on. She starts to slide down, protesting with surprised nonsensical sounds. The crane starts hopping then, until Nicole is unceremoniously dumped onto her rump, hard. The bird flaps its wings in anger as it heads off into the candy scenery, leaving her there on the track. Stunned, all the blonde can do for a moment is sit there with a WTF look on her face.

Lilith is finally situated, behind everyone else moving (except Nicole), and after making the request of the bird uncertainly, she thinks about digging her heels into it. Then she thinks better of it, because she doesn't want to get thrown now that she's finally up and settled. After some consideration in brief, she abruptly leans forward with a non-brokerage tone that doesn't give a lot of room for argument, laced through with whipsnap of demand, "Get moving. Now. Go." And then she puts one of her heels down with quick snap knock of indication and holds on tight.

Now, some things are just easier on men, but bossy dominatrix mode apparently works on giant chocophonixes too, or whatever this bird concept is that she's riding. It doesn't lunge forward or endager her mounted position, it steadily starts to move at pace, leading Lilith to breathe out a pleased 'huh' to herself. At least until there's chaos to look at and dodge, which luckily isn't her problem in the end.

While the fluffy white swan may have taken off like a jet initially, making Byron think that it was all him, he struggles for it now to keep on its course. Maybe he didn't have control over the bird and the bird was doing what it wanted to do all along. As he tries to wrestle with the damn thing, he overhears something conversation going across a few lanes somewhere behind him. "Kelly still hasn't gotten you a crown yet, huh?" He asks, realizing that that was Nicole who was talking. "I might need to have a chat with him." Because crowns are normal gifts that people give!

"Possibly!" Vyv calls across the group back to Nicole; no promises. What if it's a really nice crown and he wants to keep it? That, and imperiously bossy human in general, Percival can deal with. Chocolate swan bombardment, apparently not. Vyv is not really a bigger fan, and even less so when one actually hits him. "Gah!" he exclaims, trying and failing to wave it off before it makes that contact, "Watch where you're flying, you inferior confectionary fowl!" He glares after it as it spirals away, brushing off his jacket and muttering something about swanning around as he pokes his steed firmly with his foot. "Up! We're falling behind. And we're easier to hit if you're standing still, you know."

Nicole is not one to give up, not easily. After taking a break on her ass, she realizes she still has the cranes feathers in her hands from when she pulled them out. With a determined look, she gets up and starts to run. The goof that she is even starts flapping her arms as if she could fly as she tries to catch up to her competition. "I got this," she mutters to herself between clenched teeth, flapping harder. Did her feet actually... leave the ground entirely? Is she floating in the air a little longer than she should be? She -thinks- she's just running... running with anger! FUCK YOU BIRD!

So. Turns out, Lilith's approach might not work that well on giant birds afterall. It's not a huge mistake or anything, the beautifully plumaged bird thing she's mounted on did start moving, but really, it's probably just doing whatever the hell it wants to do despite what the woman is actually urging it to do. It starts to meander, then it gets distracted by the others having problem and pauses to turn and look backwards nosily, then finally she gets it turned again to look forward and go THAT way.

"NO. Turn. Turn. Forward. Move your ass and go. Go." While Lilith is mostly sticking with low and quick order firm with her voice, she's clearly starting to get frustrated, but after some visible breaths to re-center and focus on this whole weird thing, she looks toward where Byron has slipped off past her view for the moment. Then she starts to actually talk to her bird with a puffed out venting on the sly because why not, they're a team, "If he wins, he'll puff up bigger than any of you on a bad fluff day and I'll have to deal with that all night. This is totally your fault."

She doesn't sound that irritated, though, now, because she tacks on, "... giving him a reward would be fun, though. But maybe he fell off the edge of the earth." She flips the reins with a sudden demand all over again, trying for catch up enough to view her lover ahead to ensure he's still alive.

Lyric had been doing pretty good in keeping control of her bird. Up until it approached the edge of the platform. Closing her eyes she just screams and holds on tight, letting the bird do whatever it wants as she pulls back on it to no avail. It does whatever it's going to do and she just holds on for the ride at the moment. Decidedly, there's nothing much else she can do except try not to die! So after the shock of it all, she tries again to take control and lead the bird, not the other way around.

Maybe Vyv's logic gets through, because his steed pulls his head from beneath the wing, takes a wary look around, and rises to his feet, starting down the platform again. They've lost a lot of time, though, and all their momentum. "We have a title to defend," he informs the bird, "Look lively. Really, do you want to let that swan up there have all the glory? Just imagine how much a swan's going to gloat. In front of all the other birds. It'll tarnish your tail."

Having a bout of trouble with the Snow White Swan while they lingered in the world of cute, Byron regains some of that control once they enter a windswept hell scape (in his mind). The torrent of wind blasts him and the bird every which way and he works to keep the regal thing under some control again. "Woah there." He says as if he were really riding a horse. His grip tightens on the reins and he leans forward just so that he's not bucked off or thrown off by a rush of wind. In truth, he doesn't care who wins or loses as long as he wakes up and leaves this nonsense behind. This wasn't a /real/ race in the real world where things like this might matter.

Lilith has given up on looking for where Byron actually has gotten to and tries to focus just on keeping her bird driven forward and her body on top of it as it should be. However, there's some distracting things going on and Nicole isn't even on her bird at all! In fact, at some point there, she's not even running and on the ground, she's... okay, that's concerning because things that go up have to come down, right? The brunette bats her lashes a few times fast, but she doesn't seem to know what to actually do other than keep on as she's been keeping on. That and the environs are demanding she pay more attention and try to steer the bird, not only spur it forward. Pulling in breath to hold, she speaks through gritted teeth to the animal, a single word of low urging, "Faster."

The peacock takes flight! Kind of. It dips and lifts then dips again like Lyric weighs a ton or something. "Don't dieee!" she warns the bird as it seems to know instinctively what the rings are and flaps out in the lead of the ones Byron has left behind. "Where are my Ginger Crew when I need them?" It's a rhetorical question, but she does seem to be doing better. For now.

Nicole reaches the chocolate rings all the way from the platform, and man, are her arms gonna be tired. Yet, she still does not give up, even if her flapping gets a little tired. Flap, Nicole, flap your heart out.

All in all, Byron seems to like this bird piloting more than he ever enjoyed racing those pastry and candy cars. He might regret to even think that, but that's what's on his mind now. Darting his way through the pretzel hoops, he turns to look over his shoulder briefly to check where the others are. He could see the looming shadows of several birds in the background and something else flapping out there. "Huh.."

The scorching oven heat catches his attention, making him return to eye the path that both he and the pristine white swan are still traveling. It /smelled/ good in here, he'll say that much.

The chocolate swans swing back around and as Byron and his mount weave through them like there's some kind of damn professional courtesy involved, they set their sights on Vyv and Percival, diving that way. Their brother's neck will be avenged for the patissier's nerve to be where he wasn't looking! Possibly by the sacrifice of their own perfect necks. "Look, they're trying to intimidate us into letting him and their cousin win!" he declares to his peacock, "Are we going to let them get away with that?"

No! No, they are not. Barely. Percival is willing to do his best to dodge them, but whether 'dodge' and 'move ahead' line up is not currently one of his priorities. Still, they make it through, and finally off the edge of the platform proper. "Poorly-tempered excuses for chocolate fowl," the rider mutters, glancing back after them once they're past.

Lilith might normally be getting a level of impatient that makes her a little bit risky or stupid at this point, but at least she's getting somewhere, just like the turtle going slow and steady. She's not winning this race, though, which means the turtle story is totally a lie and she's making a note of that somewhere in the back of her brain, no doubt. But the manner in which she's being slowed isn't the same as being plod along, so that helps her generally just be grateful she's staying mounted on the phoenix-schemed creature while it soars at high winds and hoops.

That and there's jerks and stalls and diversion turns and pathways here and there, because her bird does NOT like those swans, and for as much as the woman is gripping the reins, she's probably not really in charge of much of anything, despite her trying. After a while of this, she just kind of closes her eyes for a moment and stops giving commands to instead plead with the thing briefly, "... don't throw me off."

A bead of sweat trickles down the side of Byron's face as he veers the swan.. or the swan veers off to the side after another eruption of flaming candy is seen being hurled out. "I don't care what you do." He tells the bird in that firm tone of his, "But get us the hell out of here and if I'm gonna be honest, I'll take the wind tunnel any day over this."

The swan doesn't really seem to be paying attention to much of what its rider is saying. It really did seem like it was on the path to freedom, which is a good thing. That's when they are blasted by a sudden eruption shooting up from below and while Byron is sure that he's not doing much steering, he tries to maneuver the bird off to the side anyway, "Move it!"

Getting to the lava floor, even if it is chocolate, added to the fright factor. Especially with jawbreakers flying at her. These were literal jawbreakers! Her peacock seems to be faring well though, even if Lyric can sometimes barely manage to control it. The fireball hits, singes and skews her, but she doesn't fall off at least. "Fly baby fly!" she coaxes her bird, looking ahead not down.

"Yesss," Vyv exclaims as Percival really takes off -- exclaims quietly, for his and his steed's ears, because there's no need to make a spectacle of oneself, after all. Still, with the added speed that has his scarf trailing out behind him in the wind, there's an extra brightness in his eyes as he leans toward the peacock's neck for aerodynamics and balance, and a closed, faintly predatory, but definite smile. This, now... this is much more like it. "Let's show those swans what you can do, shall we?"

Lilith is far from being a winner, but honestly, that's probably better for her than being up in range when the lava cake explodes gooey hot deliciousness (that probably burns) all over the others. She doesn't really have time to react, though, she makes a short squeak of noise when the bird reacts much, much faster. Instead of that meandering and distracted pace the stubborn thing has had almost the whole of the while on the track, it picks up speed in a heartbeat to soar like a rocket, right at the explosive chocolate magma as it's shot into the air, then all of a sudden turns around with an upside down loop-de-loop.

She's not expecting it, she's convinced she's about to get thrown and die, the wave of stomach lurch that comes is shockingly dizzying too and she grips hard to the mounting bird saddle and reins. But it's going so fast on the loop to go back the way they came in the name of avoiding the chocolate overflow, she's not thrown, gravity does the weird thing and she feels like getting sick.

Later, she'll be so gracious everyone else was ahead and distracted because... instead of hurling, the dizziness wins in a disoriented black wave of extreme vertigo once they're leveled out in air.

Lilith faints like a little princess right there limp on her bird in forward hugging slump. She's never been on a rollercoaster that goes upside down, okay, and with fear and adrenaline and physical calibration all out of whack suddenly... it's just kind of inevitable. But maybe when she comes to... everything will be fine just fine. Fine. Totally fine.

It's going well! And then... it's going less well. Vyv knows the scent of baking brownies, and baking lava cake for that matter -- knows how the chocolate melts and how much the sponge can take. He doesn't know it from inside, however, or recognize the amplified sounds in time to... what? Teleport somehow out of the middle of the area? When he looks down and the sounds resolve themselves into something he's only heard much more quietly and, in his own work, not for years, his eyes widen.

"Up!" he urges Percival, who actually listens this time... but it's far too late. The chocolate erupts from beneath and beside them, only spattering on the way up, but curls over top like a sweet, massive, overheated wave to wipe them out on the way down, human yelp and sharp peacock squawk both silenced as the liquid weight bears them down into darkness.

Well, that's the end of that streak.

While the rest of the courses have been a cake walk... enough of one, this lava cake baking in an oven just has to be the worst. There's the heat and the flying projectiles and the hot chocolate vomit that's spewing out like puss erupting from a...

That's pretty gross. Anyway, Byron urges his once perfect and pristine swan forward and as much as the bird would like to get the hell out of dodge itself, this sudden huge splash of searing hot chocolate comes up from below, scorching the bird's feet and engulfing them both in dark, sticky good. There goes the pristine part. It /BURNS/ and lucky for Byron, none of that stuff gets on his face. No need for burn marks... there anyway. The rest of him is feeling the heat and he even works to remove his suit jacket to get some of that hot chocolate off from him. It doesn't help of course and his struggle against the weight of this sticky sweetness just keeps dragging them deeper into the chocolate muck.

Everything just smells so good! Lyric is having trouble though, as her peacock wobbles back and forth one direction and then the other. Ducking down low against it, she tries to make herself a smaller target. It makes little difference though as her immediate reality suddenly finds itself chocolate dipped as the cake erupts beneath her and the bird. The bird gives her a mean look and that's the last thing she sees before chocolate and total darkness encompass her.